The Meme of PMS

Potentially Murderous Situation

So are you familiar with this whole PMS thing? I mean, I doubt it because you appear to be an extremely rational and calm person - certainly not someone likely to be buffeted by hormonal whitecaps.

I thought not.

I'm not familiar with it either.

(Jon Bon Jovi - known for his infinite wisdom and instinct for self-preservation - is the first to say my mental state is steady as a zen master's pool cue, month in and month out.)

In fact, I don't know anyone who has actual, first-hand knowledge of this alleged "syndrome" [snort], yet it's everywhere in our popular culture, is it not?

Everything from bad performance reviews to women running their husbands down with their Eldorados is attributed by one gender or the other to Pre Menstrual Syndrome. (I'll admit that those women who not only run over their husbands but then throw it in reverse and come at them from a fresh angle have got some tall explaining to do.)

And yet...

What if there is something to this notion? Crazy as it sounds, what if there exists a regular, repetitive pattern of moods and behaviors that can be linked directly to a woman's cycle of menses? Mind you, I'm not saying I buy into that and I'm certainly not saying that the date of this post has any particular significance...

But what if PMS is real?

Well, then, I say it needs a meme.

Therefore, here's what I imagine a PMS meme might be like if, you know, I'd ever had it:

The Meme of PMS

1. I am at my most attractive when: my breasts feel like 50-pound bags of electrified rocks.
2. If I get any more bloated, I'm going to need to: be tethered to the driveway with steel cables like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon.
   
3. It would be unwise for a bystander or passerby to: come within striking distance of my bag(s) of Chili Cheese Fritos.
4. When I have PMS, it can sometimes be difficult for me to: change ammo clips without frustration.
5. During times of PMS, it is imperative that no one: be stupid within 50 feet of me.
6. Why is my boss such a jackass? [Note: this is a freebie and can be used at any time during the month.]
7. It's always safe to: tell me I'm pretty and/or rub my feet.
8. Rule #7 can be revoked at any time without prior notice if: I think you're being insincere for personal gain and/or protection.
9. This month's raging question: "Which one of you touched my car radio presets?" (Last month's question: "Which one of you hid my hatchet?")
10. If you don't understand why I'm crying, then: You're dead inside, just as I always suspected.
    
11. What I love most about breaking out is: that it makes me appreciate my crow's feet.
12. The correct suggestion to help ease my atomic headache is NOT: "What you need is a little injection from Dr. Love."

Today's Specials

New at the bookstore... My friend Kerry Karsian has just published a hilarious guide for parents of young children called PLAY NICE: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE FOR THE PARK, PLAYDATES, PARTIES, AND PRE-SCHOOL. This slim and highly entertaining volume will have you laughing, nodding in agreement...and plotting which family at your school will receive a much-needed anonymous copy.

Thank you to Florinda at The 3 R's: Reading, 'Riting and Randomness for including my list of mommy gang signs in her Saturday Round-Up post this week! Florinda's pad is a friendly, intelligent and well-read destination in the blogosphere - a favorite.

And thank you to the delightful Divine Chaos for this tasty morsel: