Friday, May 20, 2011

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Signs O' The Times

It's painful to acknowledge, but I guess I have to accept that every school - even our own - has gang problems.

I speak, of course, of the mommy gangs.

From their souped-up, chopped-off strollers that block the school driveway during drop-off and pick-up times to their disturbing practice of intimidating rival gang contestants at the Halloween Carnival Spooky Cake Bake-Off, mommy gangs are becoming an increasingly troubling presence on campuses across the country.

And, as many of you know, with gangs come the chilling symbols of their activities: gang signs. Mommy gangs are no exception.

In an effort to curb this disturbing trend, our beloved school principal Mrs. O'Leisenringenhamburg just sent a memo home to all parents warning us of the presence of these roving bands of outlaw mommies, along with a guide to the specific signs that are in use in our particular neighborhood of Santa Monica.

I include them here as a public service:

I sure hope that's organic cotton.


I'll have to check my nanny's schedule.


PTA event-planning committee meeting.


I'm judging you for not driving a hybrid.


Yoga was packed this morning.
Doesn't anybody work in this town?



Gotta run, on my way to a bikini wax.


Will there be valet parking?


That weekend is shot - relatives in town.


Where's the nearest Peet's?


Multiple meanings: I'll be laying low after getting my eyes done.
OR

C'mon, she TOTALLY got her eyes done!



I'll be coming alone - hubs just got new hair plugs.


Incoming trophy wife.

Like I said: chilling.

98 comments:

Renee said...

Anna I know I can always turn to you for a laugh.

Mommy gangs sound like they can be intimidating especially to Moms just barely making it.

Love Renee

Queenie said...

Oh, yes, mommy gangs are scary! I work in an elementary school so I know all about them, with their jacked-up strollers and botox masks. And how many times have they almost run over a passel o'kids at the crosswalk while talking on their iPhones in their Suburbans, discharging their kids into the traffic lane and stopping in the middle of the street to chat up the HSA president?

I hear ya'...

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Yeah, you are helping stem any homesickness I was suffering for So Cal over the holidays.

Loved this post Anna.

Ronnica said...

Anna, I love you blog, but I can't get it to work in my reader. Everytime I try to load it, it signs me out. Has anyone else mentioned something like this to you???

HumorSmith said...

A sign of the times? I fear no mommy gangs, for I too have a mommy.

Lizzie said...

thank you so much!! i have been wondering what those gangs where saying! now i can decode their symbols, yes!

dizzblnd said...

I am happy that I know longer have to feel intimidated by those mommies. Funny stuff

dizzblnd said...

oh and ronnica... it doesn't update in my reader.. her last post shows as 3 days ago

Shonda Little said...

Fucking brilliant!

Chase said...

Did you read my mother's unauthorized biography?

I'm pretty sure she was the GodFather of MommyGangs when I was growing up.

K said...

At least I know why I get weird looks from the other moms now.

I use my hands a lot when I talk.

God only knows what I've been telling them.

Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

Ah yes, those look all too familiar. At my kids school there was a big rumble of The Range Rovers versus the Minivans. It was epic... we Minivans pulled out a come from behind victory before the principal busted us.

Braja said...

You're a regular, walking public service announcement. How the City doesn't have you on their payroll is beyond me. You should be knighted, dammit. Lady Anna. Hell, that rocks...

Mandy said...

Same thing with me and my reader, Ronnica. What's up with that??

Mommy gangs...this is hilarious.

Michelle said...

LOL! Dang, you must be hangin' in my hood cause you got our gang signs down pat.

Except the trophy wife sign involves just the middle finger not the whole hand. :)

Michelle said...

LOL! Dang, you must be hangin' in my hood cause you got our gang signs down pat.

Except the trophy wife sign involves just the middle finger not the whole hand. :)

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Hilarious! I like the organic cotton one best!

Brenda Jean said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man, now I have to look for these signs when I go to school. I personally am suspicious of the high school secretaries--I'm thinking one of them may be a gang leader, working on the inside. I just know it.

Oh, and we live in the Midwest and in a small town and I think we STILL have gangs--they are just more subtle with less botox:)

Florinda said...

I totally believe these gangs exist. I think some of them are the evolution of Mean Girls.

FYI, Anna, this post is getting you linked in my Saturday Review (again) this week :-)!

Ann's Rants said...

Holy Moly. I mean I know Santa Monica is 'da hood and all but watch your back okay, Anna? Oh, and MILFS where juicy couture...HEADS UP for them!!!! Sheesh.

Eudea-Mamia said...

Thanks for the blood/crip crash course! I'm on my way out the door for pickup line.

I was only familiar with one "sign" - I finally figured out that it didn't mean I was #1 Mama.

Elementary pick up - high school revisited. So true! I even have the stress acne to prove it.

R Susanna said...

Maybe your friend can teach you that Vulcan pinch thingy so you can use it to fight the evil Mommy Gang. I hate those organic cotton wearing mothers.

Not The Rockefellers said...

What a riot!!

You should also watch out for "The Muffia" More organized and more dangerous than Mommy Gangs.

horatio salt said...

'Incoming trophy wife.' OMG you crack my head wide open.

But ya know, in the state of Californication, there are few things more dangerous than an OUTGOING trophy wife, cuz she's takin' everything but the walls, and usually those too. what is the hand symbol for that!!?

My crazy crazy life said...

Man this blog is so appropriate! You should see the psycho moms at my kids' school! I'm really trying to excercise self control in front of a few of them so I don't embarrass my kids. I have a symbol for you to post...it's the middle finger and it means I'm going to kick you a$$! I have really wanted to bust out with that sign to a few of the moms and a few of the dads in the line to pick up my kids after school...Haaaa!

MammaDucky said...

You do realize that since you published "The Signs" on the internet they'll be out for your blood. Those were supposed to be kept secret. You know, like the "secret" menu at In & Out?! They'll probably hold you down and make you get a brazillian wax or something like that. Beware Anna, beware.

ALVN of WhisperWood Cottage said...

Sounds like a tough neighborhood! :)

The Rambler said...

OMG. Genius!

I couldn't even just pick one! You made me think of The life of Old Christine (?) with Julia Dreyfuss (? I'm completely brain farting today)

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I knew things were bad in California, but this new reign of over-priviledged SAHM's terror has got to stop!! Thank you for alerting all of us the subtle signs that they use to communicate and identify themselves as part of the MOMia.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Now I will be watching everyone's hands at school pick up.

And I guess I should start packing heat too.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Awesome. But... looks like that Mommy had her hands done. I guess hand models will do ANYTHING to keep their job!

mommaof4wife2r said...

incoming trophy wife...my fav!

Sadiebug and her Mom said...

I'll have to pass the gang signs on to my husband. He's a stay-at-home dad, so the mommy gangs get a little jumpy when he's around. If he can prove he's one of them, he might not get a beatdown with glass bottle full of breastmilk.

only a movie said...

I love this Anna. Thanks for calling them out. We call them helmet heads in my neighborhood. I'm not even sure why... :-)

Jeanne said...

Went to visit True Confections and I think I've found a soul mate!

Mariah said...

Oh shit, I live in Santa Monica too! Thank God you warned me of the gangs of mommy's that are overtaking the area

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Those hands are really cute. Hand model potential for sure. So can i join your gang or can you adopt me? I can be your maddox or pax. whichever you want. I'm a little overgrown and ugly but very Asian and absolutely adoptable.

The Wife O Riley said...

The gangs around here are the roving Stepford Stepmothers. You know the type; "I went to High School with my stepdaughter and I only have pretend to be a mother every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer." "Unless their real mother has to go back into rehab after she sees the Tiffany ring her ex just bought me."

Always Home and Uncool said...

What the sign for "hot at-home dad in the house"? You know, just so I can protect my ass from all that pinching.

My First Kitchen said...

You didn't mention Talbots or Talbots Kids. Which does exist. Seriously? Do four year olds really need cardigans? With pearl buttons?

Joanna said...

Yo, yo, yo gansta girl, whatup with the gang signs??
Just so you know there are mommy gangs in the home school circles as well.

wenderful said...

Oh how I wish we had some sort of mommy gangs out here in the sticks. I shall live vicariously through you.

jennifersusan said...

Now that you've blown the lid wide open on the mommy gangs I'd be watching your back. You know they are so gonna totally put a hit out on you now that you've shared their gang signs online!

nikkicrumpet said...

You slay me!!! and I don't mean in a gang related drive by kind of slaying...or one of those gang initiation kind of slayings...I mean in a laugh deep from the gut kind!

bernthis said...

Hey, where do you go to nominate? Why is everything so difficult? HOw the fuck am I supposed to remember ALL those symbols? It's like memorizing the periodic table (or is it chart) See?!

the mama bird diaries said...

Oh my favorite is definitely... I'm judging you for not driving a hybrid.

Brilliant!

tara @ kidz said...

ROFL. I love the hybrid sign the best. Too funny!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

LMAO.... so glad I am now a grandmother and not a part of the whole 'mommy generation' thing that is going on. Theyr'e double wide strollers and mammoth size made for children shopping carts clip us old ladies in the ankles... Mommys suck these days. They're the new mean girls of this generation and some need to take a second look at themselves and what their actions are teaching their children... Your post however is very funny.

Divine Chaos said...

teehee .. mommy gangs sound like they're the bomb ..

er .. I mean, scary dude, really scary.

I love coming here, Anna .. you always give me a good giggle to start my day. I left a little something for you on my blog :)

hebba said...

That was hilarious!

Debbie said...

Too funny. I posted today about mom fashion (and my lack of it) and Pseudonymous High School Teacher sent me here to read you. I loved the hand signs.

MuseSwings said...

Shanda Little's comment said it best. Ditto. Thanks for the up and up on the hand signs. I got one from what must have been a gang mommy at the grocery store yesterday. She was blocking the organic candy aisle and I asked her if she would mind letting me by. I didn't see her sign on your post, but I think I get what she was saying.

Grand Pooba said...

You've got to stop! I think I'm going to get fired, not from blogging at work but from laughing so loud!

KiKi said...

But, Anna, something must be done! We can't just sit idly by while the Stepford Street Gang takes over. Could I just be the Heather of Mommies talking? Or that weird kid who wears the trenchcoat every day? Perhaps. But something must be done!! ;-)

My Two Army Brats said...

Hehe that was great! I used to get accused of being clicque-ish with my two best friends even though my two friends didn't even come to that school!

We're homeschooling now so I have the choice to either homeschool with just my two boys or join a cult of local homeschoolers....talk about gangs!

Kulio said...

hahaha....and don't forget Room Mothers...and sometimes
Co-Room-Mothers to avoid blood-shed..

Poetikat said...

How does one tell the second sign from "Eensy Weensy Spider"?

Kat

Michele said...

Yep, it was the mommy gangs that drove us out of Santa Monica. Hate it when a good neighborhood goes to pot!

Mama H said...

Oh.my.goodness. That was the funniest thing I have read today! Thanks for the laugh!

Cheryl said...

I wonder if my mom knows how to do these. I'll have to ask.
We have our own hand sign. It's the right hand third finger motion, and it means "I kill you!". We don't use left hand third finger, it means something bad.

TC said...

Those look like the hands of a child. Now I'm really confused. Were you referring to child mommy gangs??

Tug said...

Are those your hands?
I hope not.

Not that they're terrible.
They just look like kid hands.
That would be awkward.

At least I think it would be? :]

SWC said...

Just as I have always suspected, this is a global problem. Over here in Hong Kong the ladies like to mix it up a bit by throwing down some Chinese symbols-- now those are some wicked hand gestures.

Anyway, I am taking this decoder to my son's nursery school on Monday. They start this gang stuff early in this part of the world but what is worse is that his teacher is in on it too.

Anna Lefler said...

I heard readers are having trouble leaving comments (technical problem?) so I'm leaving one to test it.

Hi, everyone.

XO

A.

Hula's Secret Blog said...

OMG! Literally LOL! Hahahaha!

Rhea said...

hahaha love your gang signs. Very cute.

AndreaLeigh said...

hilarious! sounds like this would make a great chicklit novel. i'd totally read it!

Fragrant Liar said...

Where have you been all my life? Your sense of humor is just as sick as mine, but you display yours better. :)

Plus, I'd add one more pic to that mommy gang signing thing. It would be a fist to represent this: My cupcakes are better than hers and you know it!

KJ
http://fragrantliar.blogspot.

Candance said...

OMG, I am so glad you stopped by my blog! This had me rolling because we have mommy gangs at both of my kids schools and I am so not in on it due to my job, lack of husband and sagging ass. I never get invited to bunco.

MommyWife said...

This is what I'm talking about. Scary mommies with scary SUV's talking about pilates instructors and the benifits of flax seed. Try being a gay dad surreptitiously peeking into the keyhole of mommydom. I don't have a cake recipe for the Halloween carnival. Crap. I'm going down. Someone throw me a life preserver!

hutchfoster.blogspot.com

Sue said...

Anna...great post, I'm a bit old now but daughter knows all about these Mommy gangs...did you enlist a poor child into modleing for the sake of the blog...

Blicky Kitty said...

Bwahhh hahaha. You are so awesome. OK, but question: is that really the sign for Peet's or could it also be "guess what my husband wants all the time since I got my boobs done?"

I'm no hater, I just like to keep it real.

Shannon said...

"incoming trophy wife"... so that's what those b!*#@es are saying when I walk by.

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Old Knudsen said...

Santa Monica huh? I live in the Inland Empire, is that close? even the babies here are in gangs the two main ones are the Cribs and the poops. They call their mummy 'Ho' and their daddy Big 'G' very disturbing.

Vodka Mom said...

What's the sign for "get me some damn coffee?" quick, quick!!!!

Reluctant Housewife said...

Now this explains a lot! I'll be keeping a careful watch on the hands of my fellow moms at the school today.

Thanks for the heads-up!

adlibby said...

Mommy gangs! Gang signs! That's bad-ass! I have to pick myself up off the floor after this one... You are awesome! I worship you!

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Totally describes the mommy gangs at my son's school. Now at least I know the gang signs.

Fifi Flowers said...

Good thing I stopped by... I definitely want to be hip to mommy gang signs! LOVE the eye job!

Shannon said...

Man, dis post was da BOMB! You shoulda sent dis one to tha SITStas, too, yo, cus it's Whack!

Brutalism said...

Dude. Santa Monica is tough. I'll admit it, here on the mean streets of Northern Virginia, I sometimes feel like I want to join a mommy gang, as they all seem to have things to chat about at the preschool shows ("Did you know that Starbucks had 1/2 price happy hour last week on frappucinos?") and I'm not part of it. Perhaps I can get jumped in. And by that, I mean play bunco while sipping organic wine.

The Empress said...

You...I just can't get over.

You, Wendi Aarons, Suzy Soro, Jessica Bern, Bejewell, Marinka, Ann Imig..

I just want to close up shop and say I gave it wht I could.

You guys all came here on some super amazon planet comet.

INCREDIBLE POST.

You do know that, right?

INCREDIFUCKINGBLE.

Lea Ann said...

Even my husband is nodding a knowing yes, as his morning coffee is shooting out of his nose.

Beth Kephart said...

I love you.

Barb Best said...

Great post! Reminds me how women are wired to be kind, soft, nurturing, bonding, relationship oriented... oh, wait - that's my dog.

Shari said...

Fabulous. You kill me.

lafemmeroar said...

I'm afraid of the "Mommy Ghetto"... might get run down by an SUV or whacked with a stroller. Love the pics.

lafemmeroar said...

I'm afraid of the "Mommy Ghetto"... might get run down by an SUV or whacked with a stroller. Love the pics.

TheNextMartha said...

When I saw the yoga one I thought the sign was for "I've had vaginal rejuvenation. My hole is smaller than yours"

Erin said...

I've mixed a few of these up and it has led to dangerous consequences. And one time I thought a Mom was just post-manicure, but really she was trying to tell me I really should have tweezed my eyebrows before trying to roll with her and her crew.


SO SO SO FUNNY. I Retweeted. (I hate the word retweeted). I need a gang sign for 'I retweeted, yo.'

mohsin said...

This is really nice info.Thanks for such a wonderful post.

Audubon Ron said...

One blogging herdsman from the ancient times, belonging to the tribe of Thracian, described these women in an account:

“Mommy gangs are rabid. Those whose straps had slipped

fastened their skins of fawn with writhing snakes

that licked their cheeks. Breasts swollen with milk,

new mothers who had left their babies behind at home

nestled gazelles and young wolves in their arms to seduce and

then slaughter young men

and then mix their mojitos with the blood.”

I know, huh?

Michelle said...

AH!!!! So cute! what an original blog post.

Found it on Blogher's Stone Soup.

When Pigs Fly said...

Love it! I liked the hybrid sign. Will have to remember that one.

Kelley said...

That was awesome! I flash all of them on a weekly basis. Now the meaning is out. I'll have to keep that in mind.

saliha said...

Yeah, you are helping stem any homesickness I was suffering for So Cal over the holidays.

Loved this post Anna.

Saliha Alam said...

Anna, I love you blog, but I can't get it to work in my reader. Everytime I try to load it, it signs me out. Has anyone else mentioned something like this to you???

Saliha Alam said...

A sign of the times? I fear no mommy gangs, for I too have a mommy