Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I Feel You Judging Me, Facebook

I Am Oppressed By The Forces of Social Media

So...I finally joined Facebook.

(Please be my Facebook friend! Just search for me - I'
m there, I swear! Wait, did that come across a little needy?)

Anyway...I finally joined Facebook and, um, not to put too fine a point on it, but...

Facebook hates me
.

I know, it sounds like I'm being overly sensitive and childish, but
Facebook started it!

How, you ask? With this little calling card:



Geez, you miss a week of lip-waxing and your whole gender's called into question.


Fine. I mark "
her profile" and hit "Okay" and go on about my very important business of hearing about what people are having for lunch and whose child announced the arrival of stomach flu by spraying the inside of Mom's freshly detailed minivan with Spaghetti-Os like a human Gatling gun.

Then, next time I log in:



There it is again.


And the next time.


And the next time.


In fact, that same question pops up - and I answer it - for th
e next 3.2 million log-ins.

What I want to know is - is there some Facebook intern sitting there looking at the profile pictures and trying to figure out the ones that are, shall we say, "
on the fence?" Or does their system scan the photos and electronically register facial hair and then compare it to the gender of the name?

And, more importantly, how can I get a job mocking Faceboo
k profile pictures (because that job sounds awesome and right up my alley)?

So I keep logging in and answering the same question...until today. When I get this one:




Thank you to Lea Ann at Mommy's Wish List for including my "Smokey and the Bandit" post entitled "If the Bandit's Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right" in her blog!

143 comments:

Kim Hightower said...

LOL! :-)

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Love it!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You are really talented with the computer mustache. And I can't imagine how you twitter and facebook too I barely have time to blog, plus all the blog reading.

I'm of the mind that I would not like twitter. Seems too intrusive.

Good luck with facebook. But in androgenous and see what happens.

Kulio said...

hahahahaha......

Blissful Babe said...

OMIGOD girl you are freaking hysterical.

I will facebook friend you!
You know I truly *heart* you AND your facial hair.

WA said...

And that's why I'll never put my legs on my profile picture.

KiKi said...

I just peed my pants.

All your fault...now drive me some Depends up over the hill, will ya?!

*snort*

Always Home and Uncool said...

Facebook keeps asking me if I "know" Ben Folds. I mean, c'mon. It was one night. We were both drunk ... and well ...

Alabama Redhead said...

Hee hee...that was awesome...not to laugh at your FB pain or anything... :)

Chase said...

ahh, and our love/hate relationship with web2.0 continues

Kate Coveny Hood said...

This is genius. I'm always afraid to friend blog people. Will they think I'm a FB stalker? I'm not - in fact I give both my FB and Twitter accounts equal inattention... But it seems like everyone is adding Facebook to the list of expected social media obligations.

There is a reason that my productivity at work has taken a nose dive since last summer when I started my blog...

Lizzie said...

i love the photo change at the end :) that was too clever!

Jay Amabile said...

sites like facebook are pretty ridiculous considering that several years ago we didn't have them to rely on. Social aspects of our life existed in reality lol

blognut said...

Facebook should know better than to mistreat you! I have a feeling they haven't heard the end of this!

Sassypants Wifey said...

You know I can't resist a good friend with a mustache, especially of the funny persuasion. Off to find ya in the facebook world!

KekeLynn said...

That was absolutely hilarious!

O.G. said...

Hilarious...I picture facebook talking to you with the voice of the oven in the new quiznos commercials. Have you ever thought about answering "his" and seeing what happens?

Amy Jo said...

*drops her "How to Be Funny for Dummies" in the wastebasket and bows to Queen Anna*

Anna Russell said...

Ahahahahahaha! Facebook is the bane of my life. I am also totally addicted to it.

Juliet Colors said...

HAHAHAHAH! I hate Facebook. Thanks for the laughs! :-D

Paula aka. Zani said...

You told them! lol

I hate facebook. It feels like a full time job dealing with all the little messages and invites.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

I wish there were a way to shut all Facebook invites off. Just opt out of them. We old fogeys just don't need the aggravation.

Di

Beth Kephart said...

This is brilliant, Lefler. Really. We have to get it to the Chief Execs of Facebook.

How can we do that?

Who do we know?

Ann's Rants said...

HOT.

Very funny post.

Grand Pooba said...

LOL oh man, Facebook is totally mean! I can't believe it kept thinking you were a girl! I mean, the nerve!

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

The important question here is: do you accept drinks from friends via facebook or just ignore them? Really, what's the point?

Loving the new look. It suits you.

Heather said...

Hee!

By the by, I *think* there's a place somewhere in the account set-up portion where you can choose your gender (or *a* gender, anyhow) - maybe you skipped that and now Facebook is confused? I mean, Facebook has been having his/her own identity crisis of late with the whole "which layout is most annoying and confusing? Okay, THAT'S my new look" thing. So, you know, at the very least, the next time Facebook tries to get into it with you, you could at least point out its own issues in a "glass houses/stone throwing" sort of way.

You are fantabulous regardless of gender. (Though then again, I am a fan of Eddie Izzard, so clearly I have no problems with gender-blurred folks....... ;) )

Sornie said...

Odd. Apparently Facebook thinks you have some sort of gender identity crisis.

Frau said...

too funny ! Thanks that went well with the glass of wine I'm drinking! Oh and don't send people plants and shit like that over FB it gets annoying! Good Luck!

Hairline Fracture said...

Hahahaha! I just joined Facebook too. I hope it doesn't start being mean to me. *runs away and hides*

Chaka said...

That was awesome. I like some aspects of facebook, but I can't stand people inviting me to zombie wars, throwing water baloons, poking, pillow fights, etc.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

Oh my word. That is so funny I laughed out loud and almost choaked on my yogurt!!

Lacey said...

I'm shaking my fist at FaceBook right now on your behalf!

bb mcclain said...

I always suspected you were Gene Shalit!

Not The Rockefellers said...

That's Super Shalitizin' Em!

Fookin' hysterical, as usual, Anna!

Swirl Girl said...

You should put this whole exchange on the Facebook News Feed!!!
Frickin' hysterical!

Facebook is the new version of a schoolyard bully and snotty prom queen all rolled up into one.

I didn't want to know anyone from High School when I was IN High School...why would I want to know them now! And I certainly don't want to know that 'Ed is standing up right now' or that 'Jennifer just blew her nose'.

and I'll friend you, just 'cuz we can overthrow the book faces.

Tessa said...

And they didn't realise that you are a girl? Lordy, lord those guys are mad/blind/freakin' weird/asleep/aliens/dinosaurs/elves/idiots.

I tried Twitting, but I felt like I was talking to myself and needed medication.

I will find you, Anna, yes I will and you will become my very best Facebook friend. (I only go there to spy on my daughter. And the people she ...uh...associates with) I am too old for Facebook, frankly. But what the hey!

suZen said...

Too Funny! I signed up for Facebook too - tho I haven't a clue why or what the heck to DO there! To make myself REALLY well known, I signed up for Twitter - godonlyknows I don't get THAT at all. I was floored when I got an email telling me the Dali Lama was following me on Twitter - you've GOT to be kidding - but he is. Shakes me up. This guy should not be following someone who is lost! Signed up to follow you - thanks for the good laughs!

Mammatalk said...

Facebook is scary. A little too Big Brother for me.

OK, OK, I'll friend ya.

K said...

Too funny.

I once wrote a post about how Facebook was calling me fat. All those freaking ads started to get to me. How many diets do you think I need?

Lynda said...

Too funny!

jennifersusan said...

Nice! I am so friending you on facebook. ;p

The Retired One said...

LMAOAFOF!!!!!

What I hate is when it says I have two friends "on line"...so I go to chat with them, and it loads...and loads...and loads and then says I can't talk to them now, because it isn't working.
And I agree...I get all these gifts from friends...what IS the point...I can't open them and use them (the gifts, not the friends).
And, what's up with the IQ tests you take and then if you don't have texting on your cellphone, you can't get your scores. So THAT was the IQ test!!! A salespitch!!!
Duh......
Lord!

Yaya said...

Hahahaha!

mommy4life said...

lol --- LOVE IT! I needed that today!

Laoch of Chicago said...

Where is the all important both category?

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

First the change in layout and now THIS?!?! Damn facebook. Dammit to hell!!!!

Gene Shallit would've treated you better.

wenderful said...

I like your mustache. It makes me feel less insecure about my own.

Joanie M said...

Oh that's very funny!!!

I decided not to put a link to my blog on facebook. That way I can rant about work and not have them find out about it.

IB said...

I just started the "FB" thing a coupla weeks ago. I don't know if I like it. The only people interested in friending me are people who supposedly went to high school with me, but I honestly don't remember any of them.

Jeanne said...

How can they question your gender? You have the most effeminate handle-bar mustache I've ever seen.

Raph G. Neckmann said...

That was so brilliant, Anna!

Beth said...

Facebook does judge. Which is why I like to use status updates like these:

Beth just wiped from front to back.

Beth just sneezed and OMG!

Beth just walked across the room.

The list is endless. I just wish I could be as funny as YOU!

Christa said...

Maybe they were just confused by your stache...I'm just sayin'

skywind said...

Oh, very detailed. :)
Health information
Humor & Fun World

only a movie said...

I'm sending you a FB request. That was hysterical.
I needed the chuckle tonight, Anna. Thanks! :-)

tera said...

I wish you luck with Facebook. I had to cut and run because I was getting spammed by people I don't know and people I don't remember from high school. And people I would rather not remember. And stalker ex-boyfriends. And so on.
But my brother, on the other hand, loves it. So go figure.

Dr Zibbs said...

Please search for me on Facebook. I'm too lazy but we should be friends.

Fragrant Liar said...

That just goes to show you how intrusive a social networking site can be. I hate all the little things you have to do on there because I just don't have the time to keep up with it all. Maybe I will get a moustache like yours, though, so I can be fuzzygendered. I think I could get Facebook so mad and confused they would kick me off and bar me from ever returning. People would know I had an excuse to not respond to their special group invites and, well, this kind of notoriety would really get me noticed in the Cyberspace world. Think of the publicity I'd get. I'm thinking Good Morning, America and . . . Wait. Who am I talking to?

sherri said...

the gene shallot pic killed me. I'm on fB = if you don't mention blogging I'll totally add you as a friend. leave me a post if interested at da claw.

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

Great!!!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

that was really funny! i hate facebook too. i feel pressured to write something. i can blog every day but cannot think of one thing to tweet or facebook whatever you call doing that.

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

*jean* said...

OMG you morphed into gene shalit (sp)!! too funny! and i know what you mean about FB it's like a bad (but interesting) dream to me...

Liggy said...

This cracked me up...I can't stop laughing!

Counselormama said...

Wow! Remind me not to piss off Facebook!

nikkicrumpet said...

FREAKING HILARIOUS. HOLY COW...I just woke up both dogs laughing...oh nice...now you get to take them out to pee!

HermanTurnip said...

I got suckered into signing up for Facebook, but quickly grew tired of reading the minutia of everybody's daily life. I just couldn't keep up with the hardcore Facebookers (is that a word?). Keeping up my blog was hard enough. Having to comment on everyone's Facebook site for fear of having them think I was ignoring them quickly became too much :-(

If you intend to stay on top of your FB account, all I can say is "go with God"... heh....

http://terribleanalogies.com

Maggie May said...

the mustache is so awesome it is hard to think about what you are saying.

Real Mom, Real Life said...

Popping over from the Blah Blah Blah Blog... this is too funny. I will have to keep checking back!

Oh -- and keep the mustache!

Anna Liffen said...

I'll be your friend - there aren't enough tashes in my list of friends, and yours is impressive, very Eastern European chic.

Mwah, mwah.

Anna
x

grrl+dog said...

always guaranteed to give me a laugh.. thankyou

CaraBee said...

Hysterical!!

BeeHappy said...

Bahwhahahah this is hilarious!

Random Hiccups said...

That's too funny!

MuseSwings said...

You should probably sue.

Facebook keeps suggesting friends for me like some kind of platonic dating service.

Janna Bee said...

This is great. Facebook is pushy isn't it? Always asking "what's on your mind?" Well, maybe I don't want to tell you all my dark secrets Facebook- so there!

nikkicrumpet said...

I had to do a link over to this. I swear I wish I could do a global link...everyone should have a good laugh today...and this post would do it!

Tiggy said...

FaceBook - No-one Wants Your Life Story.

Lol. Funnily enough, I was already on your FaceBook.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Oh Dear God this is hilarious!! (FB is a very pushy app, it's true.)

You'll love this:

http://9a4440c5.fb.joyent.us/haggadah/ultraModern.php

A FaceBook Hahhadah. THE most hilarious thing I’ve seen in AGES.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Great post!
I am already your FB friends...sooo don't screw it up!!
You know, by pissing of the FB gods..resulting in them kicking you out on your face.

Gladys said...

Your not alone Facebook hated me so much I got off of it. It started sending me hate mail.

Eudae-Mamia said...

Facebook intern?

You know that dude is totally high-fiving his buds while telling the story of how he messed with some cross dresser today.

Another geek just got his wings.

Lisa Loo said...

I came over from crumpet's---just wait till someone sends you your first "Peep" of this golrious easter season--it will make everything worthwhile--really...

Mad Texter said...

Ha! Welcome to the vicious loop known as Facebook.

Enjoy!

rightonmom said...

THE best freaking thing I've read all day!!!!!!
How will I not 'friend' a gender confused- Gene Shalit- wannabe comedienne? Get ready for the time-suck app of the century, at least for the first few weeks anyway.

Midwest Mommy said...

lol, THis is a great post!

La Belette Rouge said...

Facebook hasn't heard of the catagorie of humour based gender bending? Geeze. Keep up, people.

Bee and Rose said...

Facebook and Blogger are like the mean girls in high school...ugh...

TattooedMinivanMom said...

I thought you two looked alike.

Seen any good movies lately?

struckbyserendipity said...

I'm loving this post! :)

Angie said...

I'm sure this is echo-ing everyone else when I say this post is hilarious! I've tried to quit FB over the last month, but it keeps sucking me back in. Maybe if they treated me as badly as they've treated you, I could finally cut the cord. Yeah, not likely.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I would think of a snazzy comment, but I can't stop laughing.

StampinMom said...

Holy crap, that was the funniest post ever! You never fail to make me laugh.

Jamie :-)

Imogen Lamport said...

I've often been confused for a man in my life. Mind you it's the best way of getting rid of telemarketers, if they asked for me as Mr before I was married I'd always say, 'not home' and hang up.

The Vengeance said...

EEH hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha hee ha ha ha haaaaaaa *eep* EEh hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha....... etc. etc. etc.

That made staying up so late that I'll be a zombie at work tomorrow worth while. How did I live without knowing you were there?

MommyTime said...

This is totally hilarious. And it tells you how often I check my Facebook account that I haven't come across this message yet. But it's a whole lot better than what it used to say which is, "Anna just edited THEIR profile" -- an error of basic English that used to make me want to strangle Facebook.

dana said...

I don't understand facebook and everyone was saying "DO IT! YOU'LL LOVE IT!!" So, I just uploaded a photo of my dog's butt and got 12 friends, six "gifts" and two marriage proposals.

HappyHourSue said...

Woman, that was HI-larious.

Twitter kicks Facebook ass.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Awesome!

And, a little secret: You have to login 3.6 million times before they believe you.

p.s. I wanna write like you when I grow up. Also? I just finished reading Hooked and loved it. I wish I'd read it BEFORE I started writing my novel.

Joanna said...

Hahaha!!

musing said...

Another reason to continue my steadfast avoidance of all things Facebook.

Vodka Mom said...

holy shit you are funny. Funny ass funny.

(Aren't I articulate?)

Vodka Mom said...

p.s. I might have shaved that mustache before taking that picture. Just sayin'.

♥ Braja said...

There you are, my special comedienne....my love to you for your care, kindness, and good thoughts during these weeks. it meant so much to me and you left a new scar on my heart, one i want to keep :)
love
Braja
xxx

LuckyMe said...

Facebook is just trying to update your look. Don't you know staches are so last millenium?

Funny girl, you!

Crazy Daisy said...

THAT has to be the funniest thing I have ever seen!

Phat Mama said...

rofl, this was one of the best reads this week, adding you to my fave blog list now!

*mary* said...

Hahahaha! Oddly, I've never seen that pop-up, despite my fancy girl 'stache.

Emerson Marks said...

Amusing. I had to pack in Friend Face after becoming obsessed with trawling through pictures of girls I didn't really know in their swim suits.

Sadiebug and her Mom said...

Ah, Facebook! And should clearly be sent to Harvard-educated 19 year old executives who can't create a program that understands that ANNA is a woman's name.

By the way, I hate the new layout. Makes me crazy.

Project Savior said...

When I get on facebook it keeps challenging me to an IQ test I answer all the questions right giving me a 147 but I can't figure out how to post the results.
I guess I'm just an idiot savant.

TC said...

Okay, I have to ask. Where does it come from?? This creative genius of yours?? And can you lend me some??

(This was hilarious by the way!)

Barry said...

Comments may get a little redundant after 113, but I could resist telling you how much I enjoyed this!

Marinka said...

You look fabulous. Sir.

Renee said...

I am always guaranteed fun here.

It is a nice place (but definitely not nicey nice).

Love Renee xoxo

the mama bird diaries said...

Man, who knew Facebook could be such an asshole.

Snarky A. said...

You slay me. Seriously! Hilarious!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Just be glad that it's the moustache that's confusing them! lol

Because I've been out with a few girls that were just ambiguous in so many ways!

Mary K Brennan said...

Too funny!

Vivian said...

You are too funny. Facebook is teasing me with wrinkle-be-gone ads. Time to wage war.

Blicky Kitty said...

Your Facebook acct. is acting all creepy and Space Odyssey-ish. I think you need to delete (if it's not too late) and start over.

Gene Shallot gives it a thumbs up and a "bwaaahhh hahaa." But seriously he's on my friends list and you've been freaking him out a little lately. That's all I'm saying.

CDB said...

Popped over from Blicky's to see whether YOUR Valentino was better than HER Valentino.. both are hilarious, which is a funny adjective for a designer dress.

Facebook has turned into HAL. Life IS getting weirder.

Poetikat said...

So, if I go to "friend" you, do I look under Gene Shalit or Gabe Kaplan?

Kat

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Love your moustache Anna!

123 and counting comments. you are severely loved!!!!

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

OMG!! I think I peed! FB totally ticks me off sometimes!!

Edi Retnati said...

hahaha........... I like that!!! can I add your link????

The Lucky Mrs. T said...

Bahahahahahahahahhah!

Stephatto said...

I so nearly spewed coffee through my nose when I read this post. Thanks.

Beck said...

It's not technically my job but a small group of us routinely hijack other people's facebook photo albums and mock them. We also take sly, clandestine photos of mullet heads, fanny packers et al while out and about. My friend just had a field day at Disneyland snapping croc wearers and English dark socks / sandals people.
Fighting Finn

Ash said...

Haha that was hilarious! Glad I stumbled onto your blog.

BlackenedBoy said...

Ah, Facebook. I love this post.

Lynn said...

Your blog is hilarious. I'm happy to have found you :)

kathcom said...

Now your profile photo makes sense.
I'm going to go find you on Facebook now, but I'm not sure you should friend me.
I have a lot of old high school classmates on their who post photos of their latest child's toenail clippings and pray...a lot.

Brandi said...

hilarious! I can't believe you took the time to edit all that! That was so entertaining. By the way, all you have to do is set your "sex" to public info on your profile. Then, that annoying little box goes away.

Mama Mel said...

OMG! I am cracking up over here! I mean, tears and everything! You are so funny! Thanx for making me smile! :) Hi from SITS, by the way!

Christy Walters said...

I had to post this on my Facebook profile, (to try to bring "it" down a notch)... like, Facebook can't judge your pic because the book of face is pretty androgynous in my opinion... Ms Facebook? Sir Facebook...?

PS Why do we all have to belong to 893475 social websites!?? the internet is controlling our free will..!

Rhonda said...

You are hilarious! Can't wait to read more of your blog! You had me laughing out loud (and, I admit, a few tears).

Check out our new blog - I think you'll like it. Maybe we can do some post swapping?

Have a great 2010.

Lizzy said...

Very cute. lol.

shesaidthenshesaid said...

This is funny! I'm angry at Facebook now for putting a hold on my "adding" friends. It's that the point of Facebook, to add friends? I guess I did it too fast.

Dawn Murphy said...

Loved it! Very funny!

ltv11 said...

You are hilarious and are going to be a regular stop for me like 24 b/6, #@$# my dad says and ED.

Thanks,
Larry Vashon

Rachel said...

Awesome. Very clever. Your new Facebook looks like Borat!

Eve said...

lol! Facebook is a horrible horrible bully! I'm not speaking to it myself.