Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Enlightenment Sounds Like A Lot Of Work

If I'd Known It Was A Meditation CD, I Wouldn't Have Played It While Driving All Night To Flagstaff

As may be apparent, I am a spiritually rudderless person. I know this about myself.

But it's cool. Why? Because I'm looking into it.

Yep, that's me out in the backyard, standing on a webbed lawn chair with my dinosaur floatie and peering into the rusty, above-ground pool that is my soul.

(And while we're on the subject, I don't need a magical third eye in my forehead to see that not everyone is showering off before jumping in there and splashing around, all right? You know who you are.)

Anyway, as you might suspect, a comprehensive discussion on the subject of spiritual enlightenment would take almost an hour to write and could easily fill three pages. And seeing as how some of the broads from my new meditation group are coming over in twenty minutes to play beer pong, that's just not going to happen.

Besides, I've only just launched my quest for enlightenment, so I'm thinking that for now I will instead share a few of my initial questions and observations as I set out on this exciting and probably expensive journey.

For those of you who also are interested in taking this walk along the lonely street of dreams (wait, that's a Whitesnake song) step onto the path toward a shinier, bouncier and more manageable consciousness, hopefully my questions will echo some of your own.

Like A Drifter I Was Born To Walk Alone
(Dammit, there's that song again)


A Few Starter Questions
  • If I manifest massive amounts of wealth, say, in my room with the door locked, do I also need to manifest tax-reporting documents to go with them?
  • If my consciousness is raised, will it pull other parts of me up with it?
  • What's with all those jackets that don't have collars?
  • So, the deal is that I raise my consciousness, then I recruit others to raise other people's consciousnesses and I get a percentage, right? No?
Hangin' On The Promises...
(Stop that!)

What I've Learned So Far (after watching almost half of a Deepak Chopra DVD)
  • We are one with everything and everyone. (And he's not kiddin' around, either - he means everyone.)
  • We are the eyes of the universe looking at itself. (Ummm...okay, I've got nothin'.)
  • There is no need to fear death. (This is right where I stopped the DVD, but I'm pretty sure the next thing he's going to say is, "Once you're dead.")
  • There is no distinction between the body and the mind. (I will now hypnotize myself into having firm thighs.)
Can you smell the enlightenment? Because I sure can.

Yes, I know, I've only just scratched the surface and I've got a long way to go, but here I go again on my own Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Going down the only road I've ever known
This is a serious topic you know!

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
That was a cool video, though.

An' I've made up my mind
Tawny Kitaen dancing on the hood of that car, remember?

I ain't wasting no more time
I miss the 80s. All that hair.

But here I go again...




Three words: Brand. New. Blog. Brought to you by Blogtations, In Three Words has now launched. It's all about describing things in just three words. Like your childhood. (So. Long. Ago.) Or your first kiss. (Hold. The. Phone.) Intrigued? Me, too!

And thank you to The Retired One over at The Retirement Chronicles for this pretty package:

70 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

Enlightenment is way too much work. I'm sweatting just thinking about it. Deepak is too deep --ack! But I like YOUR thinking and I will be glad to let you get all enlightened and then come tell me about it and rub off on me. That cool witchu?

only a movie said...

The photograph is gold. Song stuck in my head. Thanks.

Lisa said...

you enlighten me- steer clear of deepak, he will mess with your mind xx

Beth Kephart said...

Anna, when you come back to your blog you come back with such sweet, smart vengeance. You've given me SO MUCH to consider today. But first: Who won the beer pong?

K said...

I think I'll just take a few walks in the wood to find my enlightenment.

I love White snake by the way.

Anna Liffen said...

Can. Worms.

Anna
xx

Frau said...

Oh ! I miss the 80's too! I was two inches taller when I had big hair!

Sydney said...

How about Dr. Rev MIchael Beckwith? I stumbled on his place in LA about18 years ago -- now he's on Oprah, Larry King and meeting with Obama, so he was too busy to do my wedding ceremony, but he rocks.

KekeLynn said...

I am now certain that song is going to be in my head all day!!!

Jeanne said...

I did so shower! If you found a floatie after I left, it did not come from me. (Check the commenters just before and after me -- must have been one of them.)

Imogen Lamport said...

If enlightenment gives me shiny, bouncy and more manageable hair I'm all for it! If it doesn't - what's the point?

musing said...

I spent years examining spiritual questions--reading books with over 500 pages, studying history and how it applied, talking with others who were wiser than me--and my conclusion: I don't know anything!

P.S. Thanks for the Three Words mention! The first question got over sixty awesome responses, and I loved reading every one of them.

Walter said...

All I have to say on the subject is just another heart in need of rescue, waiting on love's sweet charity. Damnit, it's started with me, too!

Eudae-Mamia said...

Where's a Jag when I need one!?!?

Love the not showering off line - oh, so true. Nothing better than an elitist enlightened one.

Excellent, as always.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

"Can you smell the enlightenment? Because I sure can"

That was the best line! : )

Renee said...

Cheers to the funnest lady with a mustache on the internet.

You are wonderful.

Love Renee xoxo

Hillbilly Duhn said...

It wasn't that I didn't shower, because I did, but after I got out of the pool, and then got back in again, to get out again, to get back in again, things from the ground clung to my feet, and I tried like all get up to swoosh it out each time, I guess I missed some. *Sorry*

blognut said...

I am now seeking a sharp object that I can jam into my ear to dig that song out.

I don't get those jackets either, but if you get an answer, please let me know.

Lynda said...

I've got enlightenment figured out...but I'm not sharing ;-)

trogblog said...

I think I saw a jacket like that at the members only outlet it poughkeepsie

Andy said...

I would like to officially offer to sire a love child with you, because I would like my child to be as funny as you, and possibly have the same mustache.

HermanTurnip said...

All praise to the giant mustache in the sky...

Your post reminds me of the film "What The Bleep Do We Know". I was hip to this film's message until I learned what a flake and cult-like figure Judy Knight was. Man, I felt so used.

Mad Texter said...

Oh, gravy. You're posts are so addictive...and 'enlightening'. I agree with "Fragrant Liar", enlightening is too much work.

I spent the first 18 years of my life (as a preacher's kid) going to Sunday School, Worship Service, Sunday night service, Wednesday Prayer meeting, Thursday youth club, potluck dinners with fruit cocktail floating in jello mixed with whipped cream...

UGghghghghh!!!

Trust me, I'm enlightened as I'm gonna get, and I am enjoying my lifelong sabbatical. Ha!

Mammatalk said...

Oh, that song. Oh, that video. Bringing me back...

How's that for the 3 word thing?
:-)

Michelle said...

Seriously, first you TOTALLY got my Sammy Hagar post, and now you are quoting White Snake. That rocks, plain and simple. :)

Lee of MWOB said...

Okay dude. You have now officially launched me back to a Whitesnake concert I went to in the 80's at the Inglewood Forum....you know the place, don't ya? Can't you just SMELL that concert right about now? All that hairspray with all those 80's perms??

I truly think you are onto omething with Whitesnake and spiritual enlightenment. It's like Peanut Butter and Jelly when you think about it. The perfect combination.

I look forward to the book you're going to write about it...

:-)

Ann's Rants said...

To Echo Rene,

You are so ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

wonderful.WERE LEAVING (leaning?)TOGETHER.

Thank you. BUT STILL WE STAND STRONG...


Ann

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

When you start wearing a pyramid hat made of wire, I hope you post a picture.

Lisa said...

It doesn't sound like lack of consciousness is an option. Dang it. That's when I do my best work.

The Retired One said...

You are totally welcome for the award, thanks for the shout-out at the end of your post, oh Enlightened One.
And, I just don't shower before the pool because then my hair has to get wet twice, for God's sake. It is better to shower AFTER the pool because then you get to rinse off everybody else's cooties and floating sunlotion off your skin...

Christa said...

Tawny Kitaen? Isn't she in prison?

Enlightenment is a process, it is joy, it is laughing until you pee your pants.

Got enlightenment? *laughing*

Lea Ann said...

Everything I ever needed to know about life I heard in a Whitesnake song. Ok, and maybe a couple of NIght Ranger songs. And Triumph, definitely Triumph.

CaraBee said...

Enlightenment is overrated.

Btw, a congressman in my district tried to outlaw Beer Pong. Luckily, saner minds prevailed and we can still legally competitively binge drink.

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

I only THOUGHT you were enlightened, until you answered my Celtic question, that is!

Har Har!!!

Grand Pooba said...

Great, now I've got this stupid song stuck in my head!

Jennifer P. said...

Well, thank all that is good that you included that Whitesnake song for actual listening at the end---as if just typing the words weren't enough to get it stuck in my head.

I feel like I'm enlightened enough without wearing collarless shirts---which probably means I'm not enlightened enough. Ah well :).

Loved the image of you standing on the webbed lawn chair....perfect.

wenderful said...

I did big hair well!
I'm enlightened now. Thanks Anna.

one little simitopian said...

Brilliant! I too will now be meditating my way to firm thighs!
lol re: jackets without collars. What is WITH those? Perhaps collars are a symbol of un-enlightenment? Hmmmmmm...food for thought there.
Maybe whitesnake are trying to communicate a spiritual message to you, but you keep cutting them off!
:D

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I think you should just read "Eat, Pray, Love." At least there are some laughs and some sex thrown in with the spiritual stuff.

Deb on the Rocks said...

Tawny Kitaen. Sigh. Those were the good ol days.

Deb on the Rocks said...

Tawny Kitaen. Sigh. Those were the good ol' days.

She spells her name so sex-ay!

Belle said...

I like Deepak too. He is really sweet.
But I like having a mind of my own..

TC said...

It's the guitar. (And what was that odd sound at the end?)

Will meditation help with perimenopause?

http://thewritegardener.blogspot.com/2009/03/perimenopause-natural-nuisance.html

KiKi said...

You had me at "Whitesnake..."

xoxo

Gladys said...

OK I one time signed up for an enlightenment class. Paid Major BIG bucks drove to L.A. to the class. They took away all my make-up, deoderant and perfumes. Evidenetly you can't be enlightened and smell good or be pretty at the same time. Then they made us lay on the floor of the hotel ballroom and "envision" ourselves without a body. Well I got sick to my stomach because blood and guts do that to me. Then they made us dress like homeless people and sent us out into the streets of DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES to beg for money and food. It was very enlightening. I realized I never want to be homeless in L.A.

Swirl Girl said...

If the pathway to enlightenment not only lifts the mind and soul, but the other body parts as well - look no further than the Ipex bra from VS ...does enlightenment come with a free panty as well?

nikkicrumpet said...

C'mon....it's an inground pool at least...and I'd say the water is more murky green than rusty.

CDB said...

Papa's got a brand new micro-blog? Sounds like TWITTER. Just kidding.

I have Whitesnake in my head now, but that's ok. The memories it evokes are fine ones..

Tina said...

Enlightenment sounds as torturous and pretentious as poetry!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

But don't you think Whitesnake clearly holds all the answers and Depak is just full of hoo ha?

Kara Hildebrand said...

Love it! Now I have to go play Whitesnake on my ipod :)

FrankandMary said...

You are "looking into it." That is what my employees used to say when they were idling away their time instead of working :-0.

I think enlightenment comes in little tiny ways not Oh My God There is Richard Gere ways... If the Dalai Lama can eat chicken, you're good.~Mary

Edi Retnati said...

you have a lot of friend........ i think you're so nice to be best friend......

anymommy said...

I'm not all that enlightened, but I will have that song in my head for days. Lightens the mood?!

bernthis said...

Death is nothing to fear: easy to say when you're the one who is feeling well and RICH

WhisperingWriter said...

Hey, I went to college in Flagstaff! At Northern Arizona University. It was quite pretty there. One time outside my window I heard some drunk guy shout, "Hey man, do you suck cheese?" I say that sometimes when I have nothing else to say to people. It's probably why people think I'm odd.

My Side of the Story! said...

All I know is that if we are the eyes of the universe looking at itself, then the Big Dipper needs a hair cut and the Crab Nebula could go for a shave!

The whole thing sounds to in depth for me right now, but then again I'm on vacation right now and Vacation's All I Ever Wanted... Oh wonderful, now you have ME doing doing it!

Damn you Belinda Carlile AND your Go-Go's!!!

Later Tater ;)

Kulio said...

Smiling as usual, laughing, nodding along. That webbed lawn chair image reminded me of the Black Hole Sun video...eery :-)

"Blue Like Jazz" is about searching and finding. It's pretty honest.

"Velvet Elvis" is another that I liked.

Vodka Mom said...

enlightenment. shmitenment.

loved. this. post.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I find great spiritual enlightenment whenever I pour myself a perfect black and tan. The way the Guinness foam cascades within the top layer, playing off the steady, rich copper glow of the Bass below ... ah. Then I chug it and brain, belly and soul are satisfied. For a few minutes. Then, I question value and my existence again. I feel great doubt. So, I need to make another. And another. And another. And another. Then I have to worship the Porcelain God.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

If you've already compared enlightenment to Whitesnake, you're halfway there, baby!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I think enlightenment could be found quite easily after a few matches of beer pong and a bag of chili cheese fritos. You are definitely making this WAY more difficult that it needs to be! ;-)

midlifeslices said...

That's very deep but unfortunately I usually swim in the shallow end of life.

Good luck with all that enlightenment.

hebba said...

just stumbled across your blog thru Lacey...and so glad I did. LAUGHED like that stupid nexflix movie that 3 people recommended to me could NOT make me do.
I saw Deepak Chopra live several years ago. My head actually exploded. Fortunately, I was in a room with Deepak Chopra and it reassembled itself for that very reason.

grrl+dog said...

I was a mere child when I gave up on god.

I wanted a jack-in-the-box.

I figured Id try out the pray thing and ask god.
No answer. No jack-in-the=box either.

Pretty much all I needed to know.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Ahhhh, David Coverdale was the man, before he went all Poodle-Rock... I decanted half a bottle of saliva in the front row of one of his concerts in 1982... I met a girl at University from David's home town, whose dad often used to trip over him while he was asleep on the beach...

Ain't no love in the heart of the city, ain't no love since you ain't around... Swoon!

Lori said...

Q - What did the Zen Monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A - "Make me one with everything"

♥ Braja said...

Oh i just did a serious post on spiritual qualities...called Quality of Life...when you're back, c'mon over :)) love to you Anna...
xxx

Mrs4444 said...

You are a funny one, Anna. Thanks for the LOL's this morning :)

Mrs4444 said...

P.S. How do I find you on Facebook?