In the past 24 hours, I've lost my Internet connection at least a half-dozen times. It's so infuriating to try to
I know what's going on, though: electronic espionage. That's right - someone is intentionally knocking LJKGW offline. I don't know what their sinister plot is - yet - but I know this recurring problem is no accident.
Whoever this fiend is, they've gone to the trouble of finding their way into the LJKGW Nerve Center, learning its operations and disabling the critical wire. This is no mean feat, I tell you.
Here, I'll show you...
Now, what makes going offline even more infuriating than it sounds is the highly technical process for re-establishing the dedicated LJKGW Internet connection, as follows:
- Wade through knee-high drifts of pointy Legos to retrieve footstool from Gomez's room.
- Step onto footstool and forget (every friggin' time) to watch out for the doorway, thus braining self.
- Wedge noggin into crevice in top section of linen closet to read microscopic labels on back of hateful, sub-par modem.
- Jiggle super-secret faulty wire (the linchpin of the LJKGW communications infrastructure) while shooing nosy dogs out of linen closet with foot.
- Turn off hateful, sub-par modem.
- Stomp around for five minutes while regretting decision to drop out of anger-management class.
- Get back on stool (braining self yet again), turn hateful, sub-par modem back on and stare at tiny plastic button as it blinks and finally burns solid green.
- Repeat as necessary.
Anyway, the really creepy aspect of all this is that the evil genius in question has figured out not only which wire is the critical one, but also how to go about disabling it.
Somehow this person has defeated the many fail-safe components built into the system and discovered the super-secret mechanisms that disrupt the wire and knock the connection offline, including:
- Opening the linen closet door too quickly.
- Opening the linen closet door too slowly.
- Trying to remove the Thanksgiving tablecloth from the linen closet.
- Trying to reach Parcheesi, the family-fun classic.
- Attempting to vacuum the hallway.
- Playing Ozzy's "Crazy Train" too loudly. (Is that even possible?)
- Slamming any door in the house.
- Walking past the linen closet too boisterously.
I think you'll agree that, harsh as it is, I had no choice.
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And thank you to Curdled for tagging me up with the Six Weird Things meme. I love this blog, and not just because I like knowing I'm not the only person who gets in skirmishes at the Waffle House.