Monday, February 16, 2009

Broad On A Wire

Conspiracy Begins At Home

In the past 24 hours, I've lost my Internet connection at least a half-dozen times. It's so infuriating to try to
ogle the latest photos on TMZ do research for my novel and get a crazy delay and repeating error message.

I know what's going on, though: electronic espionage. That's right - someone is intentionally knocking LJKGW offline. I don't know what their sinister plot is - yet - but I know this recurring problem is no accident.

Whoever this fiend is, they've gone to the trouble of finding their way into the LJKGW Nerve Center, learning its operations and disabling the critical wire. T
his is no mean feat, I tell you.

Here, I'll show you...

The LJKGW Nerve Center:

A closer view:

That's the critical wire...right...there:

Now, what makes going offline even more infuriating than it sounds is the highly technical process for re-establishing the dedicated LJKGW Internet connection, as follows:
  • Wade through knee-high drifts of pointy Legos to retrieve footstool from Gomez's room.
  • Step onto footstool and forget (every friggin' time) to watch out for the doorway, thus braining self.
  • Wedge noggin into crevice in top section of linen closet to read microscopic labels on back of hateful, sub-par modem.
  • Jiggle super-secret faulty wire (the linchpin of the LJKGW communications infrastructure) while shooing nosy dogs out of linen closet with foot.
  • Turn off hateful, sub-par modem.
  • Stomp around for five minutes while regretting decision to drop out of anger-management class.
  • Get back on stool (braining self yet again), turn hateful, sub-par modem back on and stare at tiny plastic button as it blinks and finally burns solid green.
  • Repeat as necessary.
You know, this technical stuff can really be a pain. I don't know how Bill Gates does it. Can you imagine how stuffed his linen closet must be?

Anyway, the really creepy aspect of all this is that the evil genius in question has figured out not only which wire is the critical one, but also how to go about disabling it.

Somehow this person has defeated the many fail-safe components built into the system and discovered the super-secret mechanisms that disrupt the wire and knock the connection offline, including:
  • Opening the linen closet door too quickly.
  • Opening the linen closet door too slowly.
  • Trying to remove the Thanksgiving tablecloth from the linen closet.
  • Trying to reach Parcheesi, the family-fun classic.
  • Attempting to vacuum the hallway.
  • Playing Ozzy's "Crazy Train" too loudly. (Is that even possible?)
  • Slamming any door in the house.
  • Walking past the linen closet too boisterously.
See what I mean? How did that sneaky bastard crack our code? In light of this security breach, I have been forced to implement a bold new measure to ensure the integrity of the Nerve Center:


I think you'll agree that, harsh as it is, I had no choice.

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And thank you to Curdled for tagging me up with the Six Weird Things meme. I love this blog, and not just because I like knowing I'm not the only person who gets in skirmishes at the Waffle House.

67 comments:

Kulio said...

I am so completely impressed and distracted by the fact that you hang your tablecloths.

Aubrey said...

LOL
Looks like the new security measures are top o' the line!

Cocotte said...

Nothing makes me cry quicker than a lost internet connection. I've also witnessed my College Daughter almost suffer a heart attack when our wireless has gone out. Cuz her peeps will think she's dead.

Scary stuff.

Red from Ktown said...

Hilarious. My husband is a techno-geek and we still sometime have 'macgyverized nests of cord hell'....Great, great writing. New to your following. I hope to have followers some day too! Looking forward to another post.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Now they know that you know that they are hacking in.... be vewy vewy careful!

Renee said...

Anna, okay forget how great this post is and even the elastic on the door.

When I read your comment about the kitchen I nearly choked on my tea. I laughed my head off.

You are so awesome.

Love Renee

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I'm astounded not by the evil genius' success at mucking with your internet connection, but that he does it without braining himself!

Eudea-Mamia said...

I bet you kick some serious Dungeons & Dragons booty.

Imogen Lamport said...

I have high security measures exactly the same as that on my shoe cupboard to keep my dog out who takes my shoes and eats them! I just have to teach her to READ the sign too as the rubber band keeps breaking!

I am lucky to be married to a computer nerd (I am a WOW widow - how sad is that, he is now a blogging widower, so right back at him!). So if anything goes wrong, he fixes it tout sweet as he doesn't want to be offline anymore than I do.

Recently went offline due to said dog eating through a cable, reminder, must buy more pigs ears.

Maggie May said...

the fact that you have any idea how to fix your computer is amazing, along with the hanging tablecloths. hurrah!

Vodka Mom said...

Thank GOD you escaped the alien abduction. I was about to gather the troops (you know, Braja, Jeanne, Bern, Ryan, WHOEVER) and storm the gates!!!

After our cocktails, of course.

Vodka Mom said...

I laughed my ASS off at your post. p.s.

blognut said...

I'm highly impressed with the nerve center for LJKGW. Remind me to have you come over a clean out my linen closet. If I tried to put anything in there that had wires or plugs, we'd have a fire in no time.

Marinka said...

I'm glad that you're on top of the conspiracy. They are definitely out to get you. Don't turn your back for a second.

Lisa said...

I understand that playing Ozzy backward will undo all the techno-evil. Or at least make it matter a whole lot less.

Beth said...

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

And that word hateful. Brings back loads of memories. My grandmother used to call my sister and I "hateful" any time we didn't agree with her. It still a family joke.

Gladys said...

Now if it were THAT easy to re-set my internet connection. You don't even want to go there. Lets just say there may be a snake pit involved as well as some slipping on icy pavement.

nikkicrumpet said...

Your new security system is top notch...maybe you could suggest something along those lines to the White House. As usual...a laugh riot!

The Panic Room said...

That was awesome. Thank you for that :)

Lisa said...

thanks for the OBAMA link.....and the intriguing look into your nerve centre........I think ! lol

HermanTurnip said...

Jeezy Creezy...what kind of shadowy underground network are you running there? That's enough wires to choke an admin...

Thumbs up on your security system. Your sticky-note warning is sure to cause pause in the heart of any thief ;-)

http://terribleanalogies.com

Braja said...

They're out to get you alright, and they're from Calcutta. I'm onto it. I gotchya back honey...

Fragrant Liar said...

See, I'm not hearing Ozzy. I'm hearing Mission Impossible music, with the Evil Genius (Tom Cruise) all dressed in black, tiptoeing down your hallway in black ballerina slippers, while you are in the other room. He pops the rubberband of steel with hi-tech pincers and then peels back the linen doors to examine the nerve center in all its glory. He fires his magic hanger-on-er into your ceiling (check for holes) and hoists himself up till he is nose to nose with The Wire, and then he gives it a little flick. Everything is speedily and deftly put back in order, and he escapes out the window, just as you turn on your computer. Mission accomplished.

Dum-da, dum-da dum-da, dum-da dum-da, dum-da dum-da . . .

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Well, if that note doesn't keep people away, I don't know what will...

You are so funny you make my funny bone hurt.

derfina said...

*snort* Don't EVEN get me started on the Awful Waffle!

SWC said...

Girl, that will show them. I am gonna make a suggestion to President Obama that he makes you the head of Homeland Security (or whatever its gonna be called).

And happy writing doll...

Sue said...

Aren't you afraid that all those wacky looking wires are going to set fire to whatever you have hanging on those hangers??

The Wife O Riley said...

WOW! That's like an episode of
"24". You better get Jack Bower on the case.

You have a linen closet in your conversion van? FANCY!!!!

bfs ~ "Mimi" said...

Just when I think I finished laughing, another guffaw comes!!! You're just great!! Great! Want me to say that again? I thought so.

the mama bird diaries said...

Do you offer tech support? Because you are obviously very talented.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I see that right next to the nerve center is a game of Taboo! That is central to power up any of our electronics too but you are right, no touchie is the right lockdown. I will secure my jewelry with your patented technology.

Ann's Rants said...

psssst! Anna! LJKGW= lost junk killing good wireless. shhhhhh.

Louisa said...

That's a pretty impressive security system you have for the nerve centre!

smashmom said...

Ha ha! I know the feeling, my modem is under my 10 month old daughter's crib. Not only do I have to sneak in and slither under the crib on my belly (while trying not to wake her by whacking my head on yon crib) to fix it if something goes awry, but I have gone to great lengths to keep the little one from moving in to get her hands on the blinky lights.... Because when she does, the connection is lost, and the whole escapade starts again... I envy your security system.

wenderful said...

No Touchie!!!
I need a couple of those. I can think of several places I would stick them.

Beth Kephart said...

It all comes down to touch. There are classes for that. They hold them right next door to Anger Management.

Ladybird World Mother said...

You have kinky coat hangers!!! Yeh!! And like Kulio am very distracted by your hanging table cloths. And Neatness. Oh, and the coat hangers.
Loved post. And previous ones. Laughed very loudly and frightened cat sitting on my desk. Will be back!

Debbie said...

I hope you have better luck with your security measure than I have mine. I think my kids are espionage geniuses.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

If you ever blame Ozzie and "Crazy Train" for your woes again.... I may have to ban this site. That was just a low blow, Lefler. *solemn and disappointed shaking of the head*

I think it's time to put an emergency bag of Fritos in your nerve center-- what happens if you accidentally get locked in there?!?!

Chase said...

All linen aside... can I please read your novel? Let us know when it's post research production! Keep us updated :)

Michelle said...

Wow, you've got a huge linen closet. That's the part I'm stuck on :)

Oh and ummm may I suggest tying a ribbon on the faulty cable so you don't have to try to figure out which one it is each time? Not that I have any experience in these issues, of course!

Sornie said...

Your security system (the rubber band and post-it note) may be the weak link. I'm just sayin'

The Great Fox Hating Potentate said...

Has the new security system solved the Crazy Train problem? I hope so because I'd hate to see you have to ban Ozzy. :D

Great post, I'll be back to read more later.

MuseSwings said...

It's the wire hanger. I told you NO wire hangers!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Dude - get a techie over there and hook yourself up. You will bless every penny you spent.

Very excited to hear what your novel is about and when it is coming out.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh you crazy crazy woman! LOL!

You've got quite the idea there with the new security system. Maybe you should get a patent for that!

rightonmom said...

These kinds of security breaches are always an inside job. May want to check outside for signs of a parked white van, just to be safe.
Nice job there on fixing the glitch, Chief.

ConversationsWithACupcake said...

Going offline is HORRIFYING, is it not?!

I think you're new security getup looks divine, and I do hope it lasts for always.

Thanks for the stop-by my blog! So nice to have you visit. Come anytime, stay a while. I'll be sure to check in to yours, too!

Happiest Day!

CDB said...

Oh, what a pain, pain, pain. But thanks for turning it into a laugh for us!

I lost my internet 4-5 times this morning (some conflicts w/ IP address.. I don't know..) and nearly lost my mind.

K said...

I hate my computer when it doesn't work.

Glad you found a very technical issue to solve all your problems.

Leslie said...

Personally, I think you have Gremlins! I think you're going to need a microwave to get rid of them for good. Good luck!

MommyTime said...

Your brilliantly high tech solution to this problem is inspired -- assuming the would-be perpetrator can read and follows directions well. Which I'm sure he or she does. Just in case, you could always call your cable provider as describe the problem, and ask them to look into it from their end; sometimes they can see things that you can't -- and even fix them -- remotely!

~E said...

Oh My WOW!

I say it's time to go wireless.

SERIOUSLY!

AndreaLeigh said...

oh gosh, i go crazy when my modem or wireless acts up. nothing is guarenteed to bring on a hissy fit than messing with assorted wires and having to restart and all that jazz.

Bee and Rose said...

I love the new security measures! Very high tech. My internet connection has been stolen a time or two by a tween caveboy who likes to take the aircard and stick in his XB360....the nerve! Can't he see I might need to blog at a moment's notice!!!

doug said...

Lol! Ok first of all, do NOT slight my hero Bill Gates by insinutating that he of all people hasn't gone wireless. hehe.

I mean come on Anna, for someone who deconstructs highly cryptic extraterrestial code the way you do; someone of such critical importance to the Intragalactic effort to preserve Earth; a supermom so super that her code name has a codename...in short, it's time to ditch the wires Anna. But really, you're writing a novel? [sigh] I so pray I can eventually write well enough to do that. Good luck with yours!!! And what did you do with Bon Jovi on Valentines Day by the way? On second thoughts, knowing your incomparable eccentricity, I think it'd do my soul much good NOT to know. hehe

Leigh said...

Those new security measures are by far the most technologically advanced. I wish I had the same for my inconvienantly located below the tv central system.

=)

bernthis said...

I love the part of all the things that go in and out of that closet.

EVer thought of relocating the thing?

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

Iove the new security measures. You msut be ex CIA.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Just because you're paranoid doesn't meanthey are not out to get you.

When are they gonna make all this shit wireless - ALL of it - NO wires.

Sabrae Carter said...

I love that sticky note!!! NO TOUCHIE!!! I need those all over our dang house! lol

Chaka said...

A vivid imagination always makes frustrating mundane challenges more exciting. I become 007 when I do work around the house.

bb mcclain said...

Being a techie in the IT industry, I feel your pain. I spend alot of time researching the latest trends in network security and your rubber band solution is pure insightful genuis!

TC said...

What is with those nerve center fiends anyway?? Always thinking they can get by with motherboard cruelty!

Brenda Jean said...

BAHAHAHAHAHA Those legos are killers on the feet aren't they? I'm so envious of your security measures and internet hook-up:)

jennifersusan said...

And I thought our nerve center was tough to crack. You definitely have a meniachal mastermind onto your center and you should immediately change locations and re-route everything! ;p

Scary Mommy said...

You totally need to join the CIA. That brain is totally wasted doing what you're doing!

(And, seriously, are those linens hanging? You mean they're not supposed to be balled up in the laundry room forever?)