Monday, August 10, 2009

The Cold 100

No, It's Not A Siberian Bike Race

I was in the checkout line at my local Albertson's a little while ago when a customer leaned over to the checker (who happened to be a manager) and sheepishly confessed to dropping a jar of pickles on the floor in the deli department.

"No problem," said the manager and the customer went on her way.

A few moments later, when the box boy arrived and began bagging my groceries (Wait, are they still called box boys? Did I just totally date myself by busting out a relic of a term like davenport? Should I retire my spats?), here's what the manager said to him:

"Hey, Skeeter, we've got a cold 100 in the deli."

I froze in mid-ATM-card swipe, electrified by the insider lingo to which I was privy.

"A cold 100."

Stealing a glance at Mr. Flinscheinderglen and his faithful sidekick Skeeter, I punched in my ATM PIN and silently mouthed my new phrase. Cold 100. Man, it felt good.

As Skeeter high-tailed it toward the back of the store in his fluorescent orange vest to do battle with the pickle juice, a question leaped to mind:

What [gulp] was a Hot 100?

A Buffalo-wings slick near the rotisserie case?
A customer altercation by the Tabasco pyramid?
Flaming lava?

I love lingo.

I always have. I have the enduring suspicion that in a former life I was either a Navy Seal or a long-haul trucker. Now, those guys have some lingo.

For instance, we (okay, I) get pulled over by smokeys, not police officers. And when we go on a road trip, we don't eat at a restaurant [scoff] we stop at the choke-and-puke.

I happen to think every occupation can benefit from a generous smattering of lingo, including parenting, if only because lingo makes everything, well, cooler.

Coming up short on parenting lingo at your house?
No problem! Use some of ours!

Suggested Parenting Lingo

Charlie Manson - A playdate that goes horribly awry, usually ending in real property loss if not bloodshed. Example:

Jon Bon Jovi: What's with all the Tylenol? And why is the sofa smoldering?
Anna: Today's playdate was a total Charlie Manson. Never again!

SB - Short for "Sonic Boom." Using sound waves to quell escalating sibling arguments. Also known as turning up the volume on a Molly Hatchet song in the car so loud that the arguing children have no choice but to abandon their bickering.

Booger Ranch - preschool and/or daycare facility. Example: As soon as I drop Sigfried and Roy, Jr. off at the booger ranch, I'll do the grocery shopping.

Hovercraft - changing a diaper in a filthy public restroom while preventing the child from coming in contact with a single surface. Example: "Ugh, that gas station bathroom was so funky, I had to execute a hovercraft."

Banana - delicious and nutritious natural snack that arrives in an ingenious yellow zippered tube. Sold in bunches. (Some lingo is pretty straightforward.)

Eraser - A wipee. Example: "Young Tarquin has dribbled on his onesie. Pass me an eraser so I can clean him up, will you?"

Of course, sometimes it works the other way and I learn lingo from my children. Yesterday, I overheard Gomez as he took a break from playing Legos with Morticia.

"I'll be right back," he said, making haste in the direction of the bathroom. "I have to drop the kids off at the pool."

Perhaps I should check UrbanDictionary.com on that one, just to make sure it means what I think it does.


Thank you to the folks at YouSayToo for naming us a Top Blog!

50 comments:

Kelly said...

"Drop the kids off at the pool" That's a new one. We call it, "Droppin' a deuce" or "Havin' deep thoughts."

I think most families have their own lingo/language. I know mine does.

Heather said...

My delicate flower of a six year old daughter prefers the ever-feminine declaration "I've gotta go stink up the joint!"

My dad was in the Navy, in his pre-parenting life. He also used to hitchhike, smoke cigarettes and ride motorcycles. Allegedly... Anyhow, he had and still uses to this day all sorts of lingo. No one ever pointed out, however, that the way my dad spoke wasn't the way the *world at large* spoke.

This is why I was utterly scorned in the girls' locker room after making an offhand comment about "skivvies" and utterly scorned even by my fellow 4-H Sheep Club members for attempting to relate a humorous anecdote about something a sheep did on my "dungarees" ..... Yes, you *know* it is bad when you get mocked by a bunch of farm nerds...

That being said, I too love lingo and am going to employ as many of your useful terms as possible. Except maybe that "banana" one, as that seems a bit out there, frankly.

But hovercraft? That one deserves a freaking award. Well done!

Anna Lefler said...

Please tell me that membership in the Sheep Club included a funky-fresh hat.

;-)

Donna said...

I think I just peed myself laughing. Booger Ranch? That is now my favorite phrase ever, and I will do my best to use it on a daily basis over here in China. Perhaps it'll go international soon. And hovercraft - pretty much describes every experience in a Chinese squattie. On a side note: I remember the phrase "dropping the kids at the pool" from when I was growing up. The more things change...

Chase said...

classic. LJKGW Classic.
Makes me want to go drop a cold100 just to hear 'em say it.

I'm with Donna. This list will take over Asia in no time.

"Dropping the kids off at the pool"? I typically "Mourning the loss of a friend" ...but I'm sentimental like that. ;)

Chaka said...

I like the droppin the kids off at the pool. We use a lot of code language in my family too. It gets the point across without being too descriptive. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go see a man about a horse.

VaBookworm said...

What's a davenport?

I've heard the pool line... along with a number of others (oh the joys of an older brother and his friends!). My brother usually says something like, "I've gotta go empty my cache." Very tasteful lol

Rachel said...

Oh wow. This is a priceless list. I must go and thank my friend who sent me to your blog immediately!

My husband is a fan of "drop the kids off at the pool" himself - he and Gomez would get along just fine.

The Big Blue Frog said...

I love lingo too. My job doesn't have nearly enough lingo.

Kim said...

When my 24 year old son spends enough time in the bathroom for people to make comments, he'll announce that "one of the kids didn't want to get into the pool so he had to help him out".

Sprite's Keeper said...

John uses the phrase "dropping the kids off" and "flush it down and make it drown, I gotta get in!" when other people (me) are taking too long.

Ann's Rants said...

I USE that SB technique, and thank you now I have a word for it.

This post is so good I'm having trouble finding the words...

elisse said...

Made me laugh out loud. Old Military Babe & Fed that I am, I LOVE "lingo"- it's your very own little world that only two can share! LOL
I esp. love Esp "dropping the kids off at the pool". I will find a way use that!

Melissa (Betty and Boo's Mommy) said...

Brilliant, Anna ... simply brilliant. From one lingo-lover to another, you had best not be retiring your spats or anything else anytime soon, girlfriend.

And yes, another one of your posts for my illustrious best-of-the-week roundups. Keep this up and I'll start having to owe you royalties.

Pop and Ice said...

I'm still trying to figure out what a "Cold 100" is. I'm sure it doesn't relate to pickles only. Maybe it's the minimum pay-out to anyone who slips and falls due to pickle juice - that is if you catch them before they get to an attorney?

We hardly use any family lingo. I can't even think of any family lingo. What a sad family we are - all proper English and uptight!

HermanTurnip said...

Ummm...is that sign saying "Warning! Bacon On Floor!" Is this a common problem in your part of the world?

http://terribleanalogies.com

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

That's a big 10-4!

Laoch of Chicago said...

This is very amusing.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I usually refer to struggling with my supernaturally strong four year old as "brunch with Annie and Helen" (a la The Miracle Worker). Does that count?

Frau said...

Love lingo...can't think of any right now, except growing up my sisters and I called our time of the month "joan" after my sister friend that got it in second grade. Code around the boys...!

Alicia said...

my son likes to say he's 'gonna go do work' when he poops. i think my favorite trucker expression has to be 'lot lizard', claaaasy!

Bran da flake said...

"Drop the kids off at the pool" is known as "Releasing the turtles" by some of my relatives.

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

"I gotta do some work" is my lingo for "I gotta read Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder."

I will promptly employ the new lingo you've provided in my daily speech.

only a movie said...

Wow, you came through with some great stuff. Urban dictionary is a go-to reference for me too. sigh.

ungirdledpassion said...

LOVE THAT! And love you supposin' what a HOT 100 might be! Love booger ranch - so true! While in college, we had one male roommate we were always miffed out for not doing his chores, so whenever one of us had to take a shadoobie (or drop the kids at the pool) we would say, "gotta go take an Alan." I love thinking how much it irritated him to this day!

foxy said...

"had to execute a hovercraft" - too dang funny!

Bee and Rose said...

I am in lingo Heaven over here! Choke and Puke, Charlie Manson..it's all so freakin' lovely!

Maura said...

Is it still a hovercraft if kids aren't involved? If you are just not letting yourself touch any surfaces? I don't want to be stealing and using any mommy lingo inappropriately!

lonek8 said...

I'm quite sure my husband and I use lingo, I jsut can't rmember any of it right now. I'm cool like that. mostly all i can think of is "mommy juice" which is when I'm having an alcoholic beverage while the kids are still awake. They may ask to have some but I say they can't because it is mommy juice and its only for mommies.

VE said...

Bananarama - When what you're trying into your banana doesn't fit so you just ram it in there anyway...

Kathy said...

De-lurking to add my LOL's at "dropping the kids off at the pool." Especially funny after two weeks of acutal swimming lessons with my own actual children!

When I was a kid, my dad always called our shoes "brogans." No idea where he came up with that one. And he also likened a heavy rain storm to "a cow pissing on a flat rock." Mom looooves that one! Personally, I think it's not only an accurate comparison, but very, very funny, as well!

Kathy said...

I'm also dying to know what a "Cold 100" is!

Grand Pooba said...

Booger Ranch. Brilliant.

I have recently come across a new one in my last trip to lake powell.

WUTB

(Water up the butthole)

Don't ask.

Barry said...

I can't wait to start dropping these into casual conversation, and then as people look at me strangely, I can look back at them with the disdain they deserve for not keeping up with the times.

HermanTurnip said...

Just wanted to tell ya how much I enjoy your blog. You, ma'am, are a hero of mine!

Beth Kephart said...

I now have a bad complex.

I ain't got lingo.

When Pigs Fly said...

Fab post. Loved the Booger Ranch and dropping the kids off at the pool phrases. I still call them "bag boys." How un-PC of me I know.

Kulio said...

Well we laid a strip fer the Jersey Shore
An' prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge 'as lined with bears
But I didn't have a doggone dime
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
We just ain't a gonna pay no toll
So we crashed the gate doin' ninety-eight
I sez, let them truckers roll, 10-4

Classic.

Daria said...

My kids like to make up words that go with fart, like "swarting" (swinging and farting), "larting" (laughing and farting). Hey, it's fun.

applecrumbles said...

I just learned so many things. Useful? Maybe. Amusing? Definately!

Vivian said...

OMG! This is a fantastic.

Jeanne said...

You just made me realize that although I also love lingo (my eyes totally lit up when I read "Cold 100") I completely loathe "business babble." Examples:

o Stepping on a balloon
o Stacking hands
o Eating our lunch

Maybe if I hadn't heard them so many times....

Lizzie said...

i LOVE LINGO!!! i am so gonna find a use for cold 100. awesome :) we use a few. my kids favorite is:

Za (pizza)

Anna See said...

Wow. No code words for what we need to do in our house. I like these suggestions, so much more genteel? Loved the part about the davenport. Still laughing.

Swirl Girl said...

when my husband has to pee and doesn't want anyone to know - he says "I'm gotta be a number." I say "what number?" He says "8". I say ...wait for it..."Yer an 8?"

I'm here 'til Tuesday, be sure to tip your server.

Drowsey Monkey said...

lol...I like the hovercraft. But cold 100 ... that's perplexing. lol

sherri said...

we've had more than a few charlie manson's in our day. perhaps that's why I don't do playdates much.

kathcom said...

I'm not a parent but can I use that lingo, too? I need an eraser for when my husband misses the bowl (not dropping the kids off, of course) and the hovercraft thing has so many possible uses.

As for the Manson reference, I attracted the attention of someone posing as him on Twitter because I was trying to illustrate a point about Michael Jackson by tweeting, "If you liked a tune by Charles Manson, would you have to like him as a person?"

So I wrote back and told "Manson" that he was an illiterate failed musician. I think I hurt his feelings. Thank God he's locked up at the Grown-Ups Booger Ranch.

Mary Roy said...

Looks like I'm coming in late on this one, but yes, the kids got dropped off at the lake growing up at my house. Three words: Five Older Brothers.

pinch a loaf, drop a stool, snap one off, gotta snap, goin' grunty...

What the hell am I doing?

Lisa said...

Very funny! My grandpa always said that he was "going to see a man about a horse."

I have used the SB technique. I just wasn't aware that anyone else did it!