Monday, December 17, 2012

It's My Party And I'll Resent Armageddon If I Want To.

Back Off, Mayans.


Have you all heard about this new movie - "2012?" Chock full of mind-bending special effects and a story that hinges on the fact that - according to the ancient Mayan calendar - the world will end on December 21st, 2012...?

(Yes, that movie called "2012.")

All right, well, I don't like it. Not one bit. Why? Because...not to make the imminent destruction of the world all about me or anything, but...

Hello?!? December 21st is my BIRTHDAY!

You think it's easy putting a NASCAR-themed fondue party together four days before Christmas? I swear, it's like people are just looking for an excuse not to make it. And now this. I can just hear it:
  • "Sorry, Anna, but the world's about to end and I've got to return these movies to Blockbuster."
  • "Can't make it, Anna. The earth is imploding and I need to lash my family to a raft."
  • "Oops, bad timing, Big A. The world is crumbling and this seems like an ideal time to finish writing that novel."
Come on. These are only slightly better than the excuses I heard last year.

The Grudge.

I know why the ancient Mayans are doing this. Two years ago, they came to my birthday party, sucked down all the wine coolers and started looking for trouble. While I was making a run to the Gas 'N Sip to reload on Snapple and Circus Peanuts, they rearranged all of my neighbor's patio pavers and started shooting pre-Columbian hoop against the side of his house. You've never heard such trash talk. Let's just say my neighbor (I'll call him Father O'Murphy) was not amused.

Naturally, I did not invite them to last year's party, but you know how hard it is to keep a social event secret. (Especially when you accidentally mail an invitation and then try to take it back.) I regret to say that ancient Mayan feelings may have been bruised as a result.

And you know the old saying:

"If you're going to mess with an ancient Mayan,
you'd better have a friend idling nearby in a fast car.
A V-8, ideally. And, for God's sakes, make sure there's gas in it."

Check Your Calendar.

The good news is, I think I've found a loophole on this world destruction deal.

See, I don't follow the ancient Mayan calendar. (I can hear them coming when they sell them door-to-door so I mute the TV and lie down behind the sofa until they're all the way off the porch and on to the next house.)

For years now, I have instead followed the City of Oxnard Employee Credit Union calendar, partly because they don't enforce any particular date for world destruction, but mostly because each month has its own miniature illustration harkening back to a time when life was less complicated and, apparently, more glitter-coated.

So take that, party-poopers! You may tip over a few monuments, but you will not be spoiling my fondue fete, even three years in advance.

Speaking of which, I'd better buy that dipping cheese now and put it aside for the party. With all the pre-destruction panic, you know the cheese market will be through the roof.

 
[Note:  This is a re-issue of a previous post from - you guessed it - the last time the dang Mayans tried to make my birthday all about them.  I swear, just when I think I'm out of the woods, they push the Armageddon date back a liiiiittle bit further.]

51 comments:

Em said...

Love your birthdate, even with the Mayan bummers, Winter Solstice rocks.

I'm surprised the movie did so well opening weekend - do we all really need something else to fear these days?

And John Cusak. Really? Oh Llyod, I expected so much more from you.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

That would be one hell of a birthday, wouldn't it?

: )

Brutalism said...

Trash-talking Mayans:

"Your mother was an Inca."

Raph G. Neckmann said...

The Winter Solstice is fun!

Can we come to your party? We'll bring lots of cheese and Giraffitude cake! And if your world ends, we can all go over to ours!

Chase said...

for the record, your birthday bash seems a perfect way to wave byebye to planet earth.

(...and I mean that as a compliment...)

Them Mayans don't know what they're missin.

gretchen said...

I have a dear friend who shares your birthday. He's planning a big "end of the world" event. He's thinking of building a large volcano in his back yard. You should think about it. Instead of BYOB it could be BYOL (bring your own lifeboat).

Barry said...

I actually saw the movie on Friday with my brother. In one of the scenes (of a hotel toppling over) I thought I saw a blond woman with a handle bar mustache blowing out candles on a birthday cake

She was yelling something about not believing in the Mayan calendar!

It was a sad moment in the movie. lol

Lostinspace said...

You know, they play that hoops game with severed heads.

HermanTurnip said...

For my money, when the world does decide to choke on the big chicken bone, I'd rather have a motorcycle than a car. With a motorcycle one can navigate between the twisted hulks of abandoned automobiles littering the post-apocalyptic landscape.

Oh, and I'll be sure to stock up on circus peanuts before the end times. Lord knows when those things will ever be in stock again...

terribleanalogies.com

Boomka said...

If my calculations are correct, 2012 will be a leap year. And since the Mayans were notoriously bad jumpers (You remember the film, Mayan Men Can't Leap) I'm sure the leap year was invented AFTER them, which means your birthday, will actually be the day before (or after, I can't do the effen math) this end of the world. So I mean you'll either be too dead to care, or ya know, hungover when the world ends. It will be fine. Trust me.

K a b l o o e y said...

I like Gretchen's friend's idea. That would be a fun party, and with the world ending right afterwards, there'd be no post-fete clean up. You could totally TRASH the place. Bonus #2: if the world ends after your party, no hangover! And screw returning the movies to Blockbuster, I'm sure people would much rather play vertical-hoop basketball to the death. (I know I would.) And you could have "lash your family to a raft" contests, right? I see no reason to let this confluence of events spoil the fun. Lloyd Dobler can say anything he wants, I'm still crashing.

LucyCooper said...

My b-day's the 14th, which gives me a week to recover from my hangover and stockpile weapons and canned goods

Sharnanigans said...

That is also my son's birthday he was only born last year!!!

Margo said...

In the name of Sagittareans everywhere, I'm off to buy cheese too! I need to start eating it like there's no tomorrow. -Not that I follow the mayan calendar either, or anything.

Anna said...

I can't deal with unintentional invitations... Any tips, seeing as you know how to (at least how to TRY to) take them back?

Anna
x

suZen said...

Wow - a Solstice birthday girl! You go ahead and party! Just saw the movie, btw and it was so silly, the special effects couldn't thrill a 10 yr old.

unfinishedrambler said...

I'm still stuck back on the NASCAR-themed fondue party. You do know the NASCAR season is over this coming weekend, right? Why are you having a NASCAR party in December? I must have missed something. :)

When Pigs Fly said...

Yes, the whole end of the world thing is getting so old. And, having a birthday new Christmas and the end of the Mayan calendar is really inconvenient. I suggest we just disregard both.

Brandi said...

Soo funny!!

bernthis said...

I believe my excuse would be:

I need to find a boyfriend.

Beth Kephart said...

This is hysterical, Anna. I feel lucky to have found it this morning, when I needed a good bellyache of a laugh.

WA said...

I will pay you $10 for that City of Oxnard calendar. IT MUST BE MINE.

Wendi

madtexter (corey james) said...

If you can pull off a NASCAR/fondue-themed birthday party, that would make you the master of all party planners.

And screw the Mayans. The last time I was in Cancun, I couldn't find one anywhere. Just decrepit temples adorned with pointy phallic things.

MuseSwings said...

Quit it! Yer killin me! Circus peanuts? Count me in, I'll be there. It would be the end of the world before I'd miss this party. ... uhm...Excuse me, but I think there's a volcano popping up in my herb garden....

Fragrant Liar said...

If cheese is on the menu, I'm so there. Will it be stinky cheese? Because the stinkier, the better.

La Belette Rouge said...

Mayan calendars are so 09. I got an I-Atzec calendar application and I find I am getting more done.

CaraBee said...

Dude, have an "end of the world" party! Who wouldn't come to that?

"Sunshine" said...

I can't think of a witty response, so I'll do the next best thing: a ridiculously long response! Rest assured that when I couldn't sleep and the meditation practices we learned about in my last meeting didn't work and I wanted something to read to relax me (since I had too much on my mind to sleep), I came to your blog and read one of the funniest entries I've seen from you. This one is right up there with the mammogram one and the one with the picture of the chair on fire.

Honestly, I rarely lol, even if I put that. Well, with this piece, I really couldn't help myself--I was laughing out loud. For real. And since I live with three cousins, that could have been problematic. For them. As for me? The laughs you brought me in this post relieved massive amounts of stress. I might be able to relax now.

Sorcerer said...

haha!!
that was a good read :)
pic was awesome .
lol!!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Well, you know, if the Credit Union says time will go one after 12/21/12, then I'm going with that. But maybe I'll run up my credit card, just in case.

Miss Dot said...

Dang those Ancient Mayans... I tell you what, those guys are just party poopers all year round. I swear, they're the ones who come in and steal a random sock from the dryer while I'm running a load. Ugh.

Marinka said...

I had no idea that it was supposed to be on December 21st. Thanks for the spoiler, Anna.

Jack said...

A Nascar themed birthday party. That sounds kind of interesting.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Clearly the Mayans aren't that smart as they TOTALLY missed the date of their own demise. Just sayin...

Michael said...

Wonderful Blog!!!! I laughed my ass off.


...And Another Thing!!!

haywoodegi said...

..........................................................

Farmers Wife said...

I loved this movie....sorry!!!

Jeanne said...

I love Winter Solstice -- just as the weather here in the Midwest is heading into the worst of the year, the days start getting longer again, giving us a life-line to hang onto through the rest of December, all of January, February, March and most of April....

kathcom said...

I have a sign on my apartment door that reads: No Gas & Electric Solicitors. (They're thick as thieves around here.) I'm going to go add "No Mayans" to the list. Then I'll never have to worry about them knocking at my door. Wait, do Mayans read English? Google won't help me translate.

Tell all your friends to max their credit cards buying you gifts. If the world ends, they won't be around to pay the bill.

Harnett-Hargrove said...

Great blog! Just tripped down the page... -Jayne

My First Kitchen said...

I've missed you. Hilarious as always.

stanleygoodspeed said...

They don't know what they're talking about. And I'm not being racist, because some of my best friends are ancient Mayans.

sherri said...

happy early bday and first day of winter. eff a damn mayan armageddon.

The Retired One said...

This was so hilarious!!!
We visited the ancient ruins of both Tulum and Chitzanetza (spelling awful, I know but I am in a hurry, dang it!)....and decided a few years ago that we would go BACK to Mexico to Tulum on that date.
We figured it wouldn't be too crowded and we could shoot a few hoops while waiting for the midnight New Year's Eve ball to drop....
I'll be sure to remind everyone to raise their glasses (or rock challis's) in honor of your birthday while we are there!

Muskrat said...

Fucking Mayans.

The Empress said...

Back off, right?

It's Anna Lefler's Birthday, the world CANNOT end.

Well, yeah it can, but in an LMFAO kind of way.

Anne Flournoy said...

Well belated happy birthday, Anna. And glad we're all here still intact. FYI, (wish I'd been able to come to your rescue sooner) according to an astrologer I know, the people who say that 12/21/12 is the end of the Mayan calendar aren't adjusting for the incremental shifts of the planet... that once you factor those in, it was back in 2007 har har. XXX

meleah rebeccah said...

Sorry, I'm late to the party! Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Tammy@WorldsWorstMoms said...

I still can't believe we're here. I shouldn't have gotten rid of all my stuff.

Erin said...

Why wasn't I invited to your birthday party? I love wine coolers. Mixed with Hard Lemonade. And Kool Aid.

Nora Blithe said...

Thank God the Mayans were wrong. I don't know WHAT I'd have done if we had missed Christmas. I love the sounds of my young nieces screeching with delight, the frantic dash from my parents to the in-laws, the accusations that we're not spending enough time anywhere and the final collapse into my bed at the end of our 18 hour day. What WOULD I have done if we'd missed that?