Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Love's First Flush

As Breakups Go, It Was An Ugly One.

Doors slammed. Insults hurled. Personal property destroyed. We both behaved badly.

Am I proud my myself? No, sir, I am not.


But come on. Seven years. Seven years he'd been living in this house, leading me to believe everything was fine, while behind that cool veneer of his, cracks were developing. Cracks that could destroy the very foundation of all we'd built.

By the time I discovered what he'd been up to, the damage was irreparable. How could I have been so blind?

In truth, I didn't want to see the destruction he'd wrought. It was too much; I was in denial.

For a while, anyway.


In the end, however, I had to acknowledge that something rotten was going on. I could no longer ignore the stench that hung in the air between us.

He had to go, but I knew I couldn't do it alone.


I had no choice but to reach out for help.

"Don't Blame Yourself,"

the plumber said and wiped his hands on a cloth he pulled from his hip pocket. "There was no way you could have known."


"Really?" I eyed the toilet leaning in the corner of the powder room, where the plumber had placed it after removing it from its perch over a large, open pipe in the floor. "I just feel so...so foolish."

"You have to let that go," the plumber said. "Listen, no one would have suspected what was going on under there." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the toilet. "I can't even find the leak, and I went over the entire thing with a magnifying glass."

"Oh, you're just saying that to be nice," I said and rooted in the pocket of my MC Hammer pants for a tissue.

The plumber's voice softened. "I know it's hard for you to hear this right now, but he was no good for you. I've seen his type before. It makes me sick that a nice lady of the house like yourself got mixed up with a bum like that."


"But...but he didn't seem that way when we first--"

The plumber held up his hand, stopping me mid-sentence. "They never do," he said. "But look at this." He pointed to a widening ring of mushy, rotting wood that encircled the septic pipe - a malodorous blight on an otherwise pristine hardwood floor. "Good guys don't treat a lady like that. Nope," he said, shaking his head, "he's a bad hat, that one."


I glanced at the toilet again, looking for some sign of remorse, but cocked at a rakish angle against the goldenrod wall, he instead looked, well, smug.

Be strong, I told myself.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked the plumber.


"I've got just the fella for you," he said, his face brightening. "Lloyd."

"'Lloyd'?"

"Yep." The plumber rummaged through his toolbox and produced a small catalog. He flipped through several pages, then planted his finger on one of the pictures and held it out for me to see. "Lloyd."

I studied the photo. Lloyd's smooth, clean lines and low profile were right up my all
ey, his water-efficient flushing technology and soft-close lid even more so.

"He seems...nice," I said then immediately regretted it. What if Lloyd was just another can-about-town?

Was I ready to take a chance - to bring someone new into my powder room? Seven years was a long time - what if everything had changed? What if [gulp] Lloyd didn't like me?

"I understand," the plumber said, his eyes kind. "You've been hurt."

I nodded and snorted into my tissue.

"If it helps at all," he continued, "Lloyd has been in my niece's house for four months now and she's very satisfied."


My head snapped up and my eyes met his. "Completely satisfied?"

"Let me put it this way," he said, lowering his voice and leaning toward me, "she
's the happiest I've ever seen her."

"Oh, my," I breathed and fingered the catalog I had unknowingly crunched into a wad between my palms.

"May I ask you one more question?" I said with a slight quaver in my voice.


"You want to know if you can wait a while and get back to me, right?" the plumber said.

"No. I want to know if you think Lloyd will like this goldenrod color or if I should repaint before he gets here."


40 comments:

Jun said...

Fabulous.
BTW, did you know there are some commodes that are heated and include a bidet, warm water bottom-wash and a #1/#2 dual-directional flush?

Anna See said...

Looks like the beginning of a meaningful relationship.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I say, bravo!

Frau said...

I like the name Lloyd seems nice like you can't go wrong! Good luck!

David said...

My advice about Lloyd - put him behind you.

Cheryl said...

*snort*

Argent said...

Good job you flushed that other no-good bum outa your life. When it comes to an intimate relationship such as this, you have to put yourself first.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I can see that you have a close, personal relationship with your B.M.s. I am now questioning how fake that mustache of yours really is....

Megan said...

Fantastic.

Can-about-town is my favorite part.

Always Home and Uncool said...

But does this Lloyd play "In Your Eyes" while wearing a trenchcoat?

If Lloyd doesn't work out, I have a fine 'ol American Standard left over from our remodel.

La Belette Rouge said...

You know how they say you shouldn't name animals one plans on eating, i.e. farmers kids don't name the cows. I think that if my toilet had a name I just couldn't use it.
p.s. Would you wear your hammer pants next time I see you?
xxoo

Brutalism said...

Like any great love story...I laughed, I cried...

Lloyd sounds fantastic. Best of luck to you two...

Shari said...

You're the best! And if you're not completely satisfied with Lloyd, there's a little gal on the East coast who's looking for flush in all the wrong places...

kathcom said...

The only thing I don't understand are the Hammer pants. Did this breakup occur in the Eighties? Or do you wear them now because they've been on every runway this year?

@eloh said...

I'm up a replacement myself... shower too... leaking buddies.

HumorSmith said...

Well, at least now you can flush those bad memories out of your life.

HumorSmith said...

Wish I'd seen the other response about flushing before I commented. It's getting harder to be original. Crap!

sherri said...

mc hammer pants. snort.

The Empress said...

I would be just as tentative..after all, he's going to be all --you know--privy to all your stuff.

When Pigs Fly said...

Never underestimate the importance of a good toilet. You are a lucky woman.

Mouthy Housewife said...

I think Lloyd was also the name of the original Ti-D-Bowl man.

Synergy!

--Wendi

The Flying Chalupa said...

Way to put it all, uh, behind you. There are always more toilets in the bowl of life.

Hopefully, there was no water damage to spoil that Lloyd's new digs.

Jack said...

There is nothing better than blogging about bathrooms. Crappy posts do nothing but drive traffic to your blog while common hacks try to shill for their own.

BTW, if Lloyd is made by Toto you are in great shape.

Kristin Glasbergen said...

That's great!! I will never think of my toilet the same way again. Mine's a cadet.

Beth Kephart said...

I was so ready to fly out there and unbreak your heart.

Leeuna said...

I hear your old toilet was happy that you called it quits. Said he was tired of all your crap... Not that I'm spreading gossip mind you, I'm just saying.

Trixie said...

What a fun blog - I definitely will be following it! :)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

You put a whole new spin on my plumber advising me to get a toilet with a bigger trap...

Snappy Di said...

Careful... Lloyd looks a bit slick to me.

Di

Sabrae Carter said...

Now don't go rushing things with Lloyd! Take time and really look for something great! haha

HermanTurnip said...

You had me at "he's a bad hat, that one."

Sheer genius on a popsicle stick. I'm not worthy to stand on the shadowy precipice of this entry.

You can't see it, but I'm cry tears of joy. This post has made me...whole.

-terribleanalogies.com

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Okay, I'm new to your site (linked over from Cabbages) and this was just brilliant. Great writing, just the right number of punnage (can-about-town caused a spit-take), and well-structured.

Nice work.

俊達 said...

you always know the right thing to say!............................................................

grete said...

Ours is called Cinderella and burns everything to ashes. And then I mean EVERYTHING! When we leave the mountain cabin (yes, for this is not our town dwelling....) we just open a little drawer and let the wind carry our....well....stuff......

Laraine Eddington said...

Nothing cradles you like a well formed toilet.

MarryMead said...

Damn, you funny girl! And yes, I know you is incorrect, but somehow when I say it- it just sound right after reading the latest bloggie.

MarryMead said...

Vary nice. Guess the first comment didn't take.

KLZ said...

repaint for no can!! They should do the stinky jobs in a new relationship.

Mary Ann said...

Your writing is awesome! This was genius; you're hilarious. *follows your blog* :)

Mikey said...

Great! keep them coming.

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