Monday, July 19, 2010

Orchids = Frickin' Classy in a Pot

Who's Ready To Elegantize?*

(*Yep, I made up that term myself. It means
to make one's stuff elegant - a transitive verb that can be capitalized for extra sparkle should the occasion call for it.)

Yes, let's elegantize our domiciles, shall we? (Note: using a word like "domicile" in place of the coarse and common "house" fancifies the crap out of your writing.)


"But, Anna," you softly mew, "elegantizing sounds expensive. It's not in the budget this month to buy a Lucite baby-grand piano and gold-plated floor chandeliers."

I couldn't agree more, especially with today's Lucite market being what it is.


So, friends, fear not, for we're gonna start small.


House Plants


Or, more specifically,
orchids.

Everywhere I turn these days, whether it's waiting in line at a fashionable car-rental agency, selling entertainment books to chic oral surgeon receptionists or relaxing at home while thumbing through my latest copy of
Mortuary Management Magazine, I see one of these babies:


Right? Have you noticed them, too?
And then it occurred to me:

This is no ordinary houseplant.
This is the Town Car of houseplants.

What better place to start if you're looking to break off a piece of uber-swank awesomeness for your own pad?


Here's How I Did It


Let's begin in the
powder room.


Everyone knows the powder room is ground zero for elegantizing because that's where total strangers who visit you will hide when they need a private moment to:
  1. adjust their Spanx
  2. text for back-up
  3. hork up a Swedish meatball that wasn't properly defrosted
A sensitive host(ess) will want to make that interlude memorable and mega-classy by plopping a lush, vibrant orchid right there on the counter next to the Lysol. (Note: Make sure you put the orchid in an obvious spot where people will see it. Otherwise, you've just flushed, like, $12 for nothin'.)

Anyway, here's how the look comes together in my personal Reum du Powdeur:


I
know, right? Tres classy and you're welcome for the bitchin' interlude!

Now, On To The Bedroom*

*(Or - even better - "the boudoir")

We used to have a big potted plant in our bedroom and that worked fine for a while until it got a little bushy and out of hand. Turns out there was a colony of shaggy, reddish spiders living in these webs that looked like hillbilly beards hanging from the leaves.


Long story short: we had to set the whole thing on fire, then repair the water damage and repaint but THEN we were ready to bring another plant into our den d'amour caliente:


Pretty neat, huh? Can you feel the elegance blasting out of your screen right now?

And, check this out:



Advanced Tip: a dead blossom can be used as an accent piece on the side of the pot. Suh-weet.

And, Lastly,
Le Bath


For an extra round of kick-ass class, try parking one of these babies next to your bubble tub. That way, while you play with your floaty-boats, you can pretend you're a sailor on shore leave in an exotic San Diego port (or whatever tropical fantasy works for you).


Here's how we get it done at Casa de Lefler:


Who wouldn't want to linger under those lustrous stems and do a little desert island daydreaming, huh? You betcha.

Enjoy!

I hope you're inspired now to get your mitts on some righteous orchids and wedge them into strategic locations throughout your home of choice. If you do, I guarantee that - with no care at all - they can look just like mine in only a few weeks.


In our next session, we'll discuss weaving your own Renaissance-scene tapestry to hang in your breakfast nook. In the meantime, though, have fun reveling in your new, super-swank vegetation! (BTW, if you see any hillbilly-beard-like things hanging from the leaves, drag that pot outside and douse it with lighter fluid. I mean
right away.)



Many Thanks!


Thanks so much to the folks at Awarding the Web for naming Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder as one of the Top 45 Humor Blogs of 2010! Wow - I'm honored!

And thank you to the lovely Beth at Blissful Blunders for the Versatile Blogger Award!

47 comments:

Cheryl said...

Y'know what it's like to come here when I have to pee? It's freakin' impossible to make it to the powder room in time! That's kinda how I elegantize most things these days.

Seriously, I've seen them too! Mostly in the homes of nouveau riche so I thought I couldn't afford one. 12 bucks? Are you serious? I'm outta here and off to buy me some Elegantizationable decor.

hokgardner said...

Forget the orchids, I'm so totally lining the front of my house with marble-esque statues. Those are klassy-with-a-k.

FreshHell said...

Wow, that brings fancy tears to my eyes. Imagine what you could do with a watermelon and a melon baller? The possibilities are ENDLESS.

Natalia Cardoza said...

hahahahaha!

Love it!

Besides, everyone knows for everlasting chic you go with plastic.

The Empress said...

Thanks for the tips, I've got some excess moolah laying around that I didn't know what to do with, and now I know where I'm headed!

Shari said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Swirl Girl said...

I used to have this spot outside that I called "the Dead Plant Society" where I would lovingly toss all my dying plants. SOmething about mob mentality or crossing spores or something because somehow they all came back to life!!

I am an orchid fanatic (don't hate me, but mine are all in bloom right now)

La Belette Rouge said...

"Mew". I hardly ever mew. I love that you noticed my mewing. And, my mom who is one to elegantize, puts silk orchids in with her orchid plant once the real blooms fall off. Klassy, huh?

The Big Blue Frog said...

Ha! Where did you find all these beautiful flowers in full bloom?

My cats eat all my houseplants. :(

Lisa said...

I'm heading to the silk flower wall at the Dollar Tree right now.

Thank you for the inspiration!

Maggie May said...

i have a breakfast nook?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I'm not a plant guy. I'd prefer to elegantize my hamburger with onions and ketchup, if it's all the same to you.

Anna See said...

glad to see you find my decorating classy! my current look: 2 urns on the front porch w/ a small American flag stuck in the dirt. i figure i can't kill it if it was never alive!

congrats on your award!!!!!! that's awesome. i hope i can bask in your glory at blogher!

Prinny said...

If you get any classier, I'll have to spew me guts up, Ma'am.

(And I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that I KNOW where that statue house is in Larchmont! Oh LA, is there anything you can't make more pretty?)

Boss of Everything
www.bossofeverything.com/blog

Ann Imig said...

Horkin one horkin two horkin three--ee horkin four horkin fi-ive Swedish meatballs in your hooommmme.

-Peter Paul & Mary

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

How do you get your dead sticks tied to other dead sticks to make the dead sticks curve over just right like that?

So feng shui.

KLZ said...

Do you think if I stuck one in my person it would add a persistent aura of elegantization?

I think it would. Dirt is the new black.

K A B L O O E Y said...

Those are some awesome Charlie Brown houseplants you've got there.

kathcom said...

Thank you for making me laugh out loud. As I read this, I thought, "Anna, don't buy an orchid. It's a trap!" If you see one that looks nice, it's fake or has a person with way too much time on his or her hands tending it. (See how I elegantized that by using tending instead of the working class taking care of?)

Then I saw the denuded elegantizers, each one funnier than the last. I cracked up even as I remembered how much money I wasted on live orchids before I gave up.

It's also the most passive-aggressive gift you can give. "Here is a beautiful flower. Now watch it die." (I hear that in a German accent for some reason.)

Now I need to go find the fence statues. And get a fence.

The Flying Chalupa said...

Hi-larious. As always. But I prefer elegantizing my home with stained glass windows depicting dancing cats.

Stela James said...

Its so beautiful.

work from home

henneth said...

I never though Orchids could be so funny!

Grand Pooba said...

My dad gave me a pot of orchids for a house warming gift. I swear I can't keep anything alive!

俊坤俊坤 said...

一棵樹除非在春天開了花,否則難望在秋天結果。..................................................

Fifi Flowers said...

Those are hard to grow... I have two FABULOUS faux ones... no one even notices until I tell them... go faux!

SLAM said...

I bet all my rotten orchids it is no coincidence that "elegantize" sounds like "elephantine"...

Bee and Rose said...

I've been elegantizing all along and had no idea! Wow!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

They bloom for a long time - but only once a year! I wonder how many orchid plants end up in the trash...they're the uptown cousin to those poor seasonal poinsettias.

佳瑩佳瑩 said...

你不能左右天氣,但你可以改變心情.................................................................

When Pigs Fly said...

It seems that my orchids end up looking like yours more often than not. This is why I have invested in a couple of really good looking fakes. Luckily, I'm better at taking care of my dogs.

MommyTime said...

These are so swagaliciously awesome I can barely breathe.

Funk said...

I love what you've done with the dead blossom. Very innovative.
And, I knew everyone adjusted spanx and texted for back-up while in the bathroom, but the swedish meatball thing... I thought it was just me. Glad to know I am not alone on that one.

Penny said...

Looks like I have the same color thumb as you. I "elegantized" with a fake orchid plant. Pretty classy, huh?
So Humor Me

李家黃喬盈榮 said...

好喜歡你的部落格唷,剛下班,要去睡了!!!掰~~............................................................

Juli Ryan said...

I achieve almost the same effect with my dying houseplants. The plants that are supposed to be difficult to kill. It's a gift.

Misfit in Paradise said...

At least you are consistent in your horticultural adventures.

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Multi-Ainjo said...

This made me snort: "Advanced Tip: a dead blossom can be used as an accent piece on the side of the pot. Suh-weet."

And my co-worker looked at me funny. Luckily I was on break.

This is my first visit and you have me hooked.

Suh-weet!

madtexter (corey james) said...

Ha! Busted. I have an orchid in my bathroom too.

And yes, I see them EVERYWHERE I go now.

lacochran's evil twin said...

I don't know what a floor chandelier is.

I just know that I want one.

HermanTurnip said...

In my mind nothing screams "class" more than a house full of plastic plants. To keep up appearances I like to water them when I have guests over. It keeps them guessing...

Stela James said...

You have a nice design and layout of this blogs.

home business

Aries said...

Lovely plants you have there. I had Orchids before, once it reach my hand, it never bloom again. I should get plastics Orchids from now on.

Lisa-licious said...

OK, firstly, we all missed you terribly at BlogHer, and really hope your dad feels better soon.

Secondly, I used to live near that "house" you posted a photo of! It was HIDEOUS!!! Only in Hollyweird.

Thirdly, my dad is an orchid grower, and I STILL have fake orchids all over my house in my own effort to "elegantize" my "domecile" with "beautatiousness". Yes, I just made that last one up.

You can also just hot-glue some fake blooms onto used chopsticks and shove them in the pot next to the leaves...that works. I should know. I have some strange looking "orchids", and no fingerprints to speak of.

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suchtightslacks.com said...

I keep a dozen plastic orchids next to my bowl of vinyl fruit...It seems to tie the room together...

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