In Today's World...
...giving thanks is not as simple as it used to be.
Gone are the days of the gratitude short-list, when you could cover pretty much all the bases by giving your burro an extra carrot and pat on the head, then looking up at the starts and saying something along the lines of, "I really appreciate the help with that whole locust thing back in the summer."
No, life today is complicated, crammed with barristas, manicurists, feng shui practitioners and even a spouse or two. Heaven forbid you neglect to thank any one of them, lest you suffer through lukewarm lattes and ragged cuticles into the new year.
Yes, it can be a little overwhelming to try and express thanks adequately in our contemporary setting.
LJKGW Is Here To Help
In order to streamline your holiday experience and help you deliver thanks that are both sincere and efficient, we've designed the LJKGW Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic - the most complete collection of pre-printed thank-yous ever offered through the Internet.
Your Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic comes in handy pad form - almost four inches high! Simply flip through the pad, find the appropriate pre-printed thank-you and rip it out. Fill in the blanks as you desire and *doink!* your heartwarming message of gratitude is ready to be slipped under the windshield wiper blade of that deserving someone.
Hint: Have a child or home bound loved one color around the edges of your thank-you with crayon for an extra-special touch. Awww...
Wondering what kinds of messages are included in the Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic? Well, wonder no more!
#1 For the Vendors in Your Life:
Dear [vendor name],
I just want to say thanks for doing such an [adjective] job on my [body part/household item] so far this year. It means a lot to me that, thanks to your fine work, I hardly ever had to [be rushed to the emergency room/activate my homeowner's policy] in 2010. Have a lovely Thanksgiving and enjoy your traditional meal of smoked [meat of choice].
#2 For Your Children's Teachers:
Dear [teacher name],
What better time than now to say thank you for all that you do? Thanks to your diligent efforts, [child's name] has almost completely stopped [annoying habit], and - even more amazing - he/she has reduced the instances of [borderline-criminal activity] by 15%. I'd also like to take this opportunity to give you a hearty thanks for not contacting the authorities after that whole [wacky prank] episode earlier this fall. I can assure you that [child's name] no longer has access to that kind of commercial-grade adhesive.
#3 For Your Spouse:
Dear [spouse's name and/or endearment],
Well, it's Thanksgiving again. I was pretty sure that after last year's [incident], we wouldn't have made it past Easter, but here we are. Thank you for being the kind of person who doesn't write someone off just because they [annoying habit #1], [annoying habit #2] and [super-annoying habit #3] or, for that matter, because they fall slightly short in the [moral and/or hygiene] department. I knew I had found someone special the [time of day] I [mishap] you at the local [mega-discount store].
Thanks for being you, [endearment] [animal].
Don't Be Fooled By Imitations
Remember, only the LJKGW Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic is made from 400% recycled post-consumer waste and includes a bonus recipe for Ritz Crackers' Mock Apple Pie (no apples needed!) right on the box.
And that's not all! Be one of the first 500,000 to order and receive a copy of my highly anticipated debut single - "I've Got Your Thanks Right Here" - absolutely free! (Offer void in Delaware.)
Order now - operators are standing by!
And While We're On The Subject
Many, many thanks to all of YOU out there in Reader-Land! You make the Internet a heck of a nice place to be and it means the world to me that you stop by here week after week. I wish you a joyous, peaceful and fruitcake-free holiday.
Now, be safe in your travels and I'll see you back here after the long weekend, you crazy kids!