Monday, November 22, 2010

Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic

In Today's World...

...giving thanks is not as simple as it used to be.


Gone are the days of the gratitude short-list, when you could cover pretty much all the bases by giving your burro an extra carrot and pat on the head, then looking up at the starts and saying something along the lines of, "I really appreciate the help with that whole locust thing back in the summer."

No, life today is complicated, crammed with barristas, manicurists, feng shui practitioners and even a spouse or two. Heaven forbid you neglect to thank any one of them, lest you suffer through lukewarm lattes and ragged cuticles into the new year.

Yes, it can be a little overwhelming to try and express thanks adequately in our contemporary setting.

LJKGW Is Here To Help

In order to streamline your holiday experience and help you deliver thanks that are both sincere and efficient, we've designed the LJKGW Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic - the most complete collection of pre-printed thank-yous ever offered through the Internet.

Your Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic comes in handy pad form - almost four inches high! Simply flip through the pad, find the appropriate pre-printed thank-you and rip it out. Fill in the blanks as you desire and *doink!* your heartwarming message of gratitude is ready to be slipped under the windshield wiper blade of that deserving someone.

Hint: Have a child or home bound loved one color around the edges of your thank-you with crayon for an extra-special touch. Awww...

Wondering what kinds of messages are included in the Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic? Well, wonder no more!

Sample Thanks

#1 For the Vendors in Your Life:

Dear [vendor name],

I just want to say thanks for doing such an [adjective] job on my [body part/household item] so far this year. It means a lot to me that, thanks to your fine work, I hardly ever had to [be rushed to the emergency room/activate my homeowner's policy] in 2010. Have a lovely Thanksgiving and enjoy your traditional meal of smoked [meat of choice].

Hi-five!

[signature]

#2 For Your Children's Teachers:

Dear [teacher name],

What better time than now to say thank you for all that you do? Thanks to your diligent efforts, [child's name] has almost completely stopped [annoying habit], and - even more amazing - he/she has reduced the instances of [borderline-criminal activity] by 15%. I'd also like to take this opportunity to give you a hearty thanks for not contacting the authorities after that whole [wacky prank] episode earlier this fall. I can assure you that [child's name] no longer has access to that kind of commercial-grade adhesive.

Cheers!

[signature]

#3 For Your Spouse:

Dear [spouse's name and/or endearment],

Well, it's Thanksgiving again. I was pretty sure that after last year's [incident], we wouldn't have made it past Easter, but here we are. Thank you for being the kind of person who doesn't write someone off just because they [annoying habit #1], [annoying habit #2] and [super-annoying habit #3] or, for that matter, because they fall slightly short in the [moral and/or hygiene] department. I knew I had found someone special the [time of day] I [mishap] you at the local [mega-discount store].

Thanks for being you, [endearment] [animal].

[emotion],

[signature]

Don't Be Fooled By Imitations

Remember, only the LJKGW Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic is made from 400% recycled post-consumer waste and includes a bonus recipe for Ritz Crackers' Mock Apple Pie (no apples needed!) right on the box.

And that's not all! Be one of the first 500,000 to order and receive a copy of my highly anticipated debut single - "I've Got Your Thanks Right Here" - absolutely free! (Offer void in Delaware.)

Order now - operators are standing by!


And While We're On The Subject

Many, many thanks to all of YOU out there in Reader-Land! You make the Internet a heck of a nice place to be and it means the world to me that you stop by here week after week. I wish you a joyous, peaceful and fruitcake-free holiday.


Now, be safe in your travels and I'll see you back here after the long weekend, you crazy kids!


Love,
Anna

27 comments:

Laffylady said...

and Thank You for this...Lolol..!Have a great Thanksgiving..!

Robin said...

You is funny.

Cheryl said...

How much is RUSH shipping? I need a 4" stack of the spousal ones. It's been a hella long year in the marital mistake department.

Laraine Eddington said...

I'm in if they come on appropriately scented paper. Maybe start with lemon zest for the grouchy teacher.

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

I wanna hear the single.

Cori Lynn Berg said...

This was adorable!

One Crafty Mother said...

I can't stop giggling... HYSTERICAL post!! I need the bus-driver version STAT. Because of some, er, incidents.

-Ellie

lacochran's evil twin said...

My favorite part:
"Thanks for being you, [endearment] [animal]."

Paige said...

and i must say you are a genius!

Karla Telega said...

I wish I'd known sooner. Damn, another year of ragged cuticles.

Pearl said...

Oh, Anna. Robin is right. You IS funny.

Pearl

Ann Imig said...

I am thankful for you Anna. And a little pissed that you've now cornered the market on burros AND yaks.

HermanTurnip said...

Thanks for allowing me to "mad lib" my way out of having to write those yearly thank-you cards! Here's hoping next year's pad will cover my therapist, Quentin Tarantino, and that guy working behind the counter at Subway who always goes light on the olives.

Lo said...

...But I LOVE fruitcake.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I love your daft blog.

When Pigs Fly said...

Have a lovely Thanksgiving right back at you! Do you think all these people will be expecting a holiday tip with the thank you notes? I hope not.

WA said...

You put Hallmark to shame, AL.

Jan Rider Newman said...

Why hasn't Hallmark snapped up this idea? And just in time for the holidays.

Lee Vandeman said...

You're onto something dude. You really are.

And well 2010 was just a little bit more stellar because we solidified some sort of cool mellow online friendship thing that walked its way into real life and well, I dig ya.

Happy Thanksgiving!

xo
Lee

Beth Kephart said...

You could profit bigly from this!

Blicky Kitty said...

Wooooot! You rock and I'm thankful for all the much needed yucks and gaffaws you give.

ron2dmax said...

Hi, I found your blog from the snap newsletter, landing me to a good example of a site with a good humor. And out of curiosity, I was just browsing your blog until I've found myself laughing on your post, seemed cranky thank you letter but that was nice and fun though.

What shall I say? Thanks for being you [animal] hahah lol

-- ladypurple, ibiz-talk.com --

Immodesty Blaze said...

Hahaha, oh, I miss Thanksgiving. Hope you had a good one!

Vikki said...

Loved this!! Send me 8 stacks, with duplicates of #2. My son has left quite an impression on his entire high school staff...I've got some 'splaining to do!

spainbitch said...

Nice one, great to batch and stack all gratitude and apology duties...

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

Hope your Thanksgiving was memorable and that you are looking forward to the New Year, as am I! I've been out of blogging for a while and am just visiting here and there, trying to catch up.

An Observer Of Souls said...

I would like to order several dozen and pass them around. What color is the paper so that I can purchase some coordinating colors for the edging.

I can put my mother to work coloring them and it might keep the mailman and the Shwanz guy safe from elderly molestations for a month or two.

thank you for sharing your gift with us, excellent!