Sunday, October 19, 2008

If You Give A Ms. A Moustache...

With apologies (and an honorary moustache) to Laura Joffe Numeroff, author of IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE...

If you give a Ms. a moustache...*

If you give a Ms. a moustache...
She'll want an ice-cold Bud to go with it...
Then she'll adjust her fly and say...
"As long as you've got a Bud handy, how's about some Doritos or somethin'?"
When you give her the snacks, she'll want to try out the recliner...
Once she's comfy, she'll want to know what time it is...
And when you tell her, she'll ask where you keep your remote...
Once she's got the remote, she'll wave you aside because you're blocking the TV...
When you ask how her day was, she'll say, "What channel is SportsCenter?"
And when the SoloFlex commercial comes on, she'll ask to use your phone...
And when you say she doesn't need a SoloFlex, she'll flex and say, "Yeah, you're right..."
Half an hour later, she'll stand and say, "I need to use the can..."
After you point the way, she'll say, "When I get back, how 'bout another cold Bud?"

* (...or a Miss...or a Mrs...)


Moustache-On-A-Stick Contest Results!

Okay, first of all, everyone here at the LJKGW home office was blown away by the response to our little contest, both in quantity and quality of comments. Seriously creative, funny stuff. Thank you for proving once again that LJKGW's team of professionally trained commentors (commentators?) kicks Internet ASS! I'm just going to pause a moment while you all pat yourselves on the back.
.
.
All right, great job on the patting. High-five!

I'd also like to thank our esteemed team of judges:


Don't let the wigs fool you - these guys are "D" to the "ULL. "

And here's a new development: since the judges had such a difficult time choosing between the top two 'stache contenders, we are pleased to announce that we will be awarding not one but TWO moustaches-on-sticks! (Nope, still not giving mine away...I managed to get my mitts on a third. You know, "the hair and a spare." *snort*)

And the winners - the folks whose comments made our judges laugh out loud the most - are:

TattooedMiniVanMom who said:

"Ok. Since I am very short I will wear the mustache (I'll have to shave my real one off first so that the one you send will stick. and I don't want mine to get jealous so I'll just kill it.)while wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt, with the top buttons open to show my chest hair in true Tom Selleck fashion, with my leg warmers on my hairy legs cause I wanna be just like you and look up at my sky and yell "Da plane. da plane!!"(that guy had a mustache right?) Then Ricardo Montalban will walk out from my overgrown bushes (pun intended) and we'll smoke a stogie together like I always wanted too. You can come too if you want. But I get a turn at Ricardo first. I don't want your sloppy seconds."

And...

NikkiCrumpet who said:

"I'm thinking that the stache-on-a-stick would be a nice weight counterbalance to the hair on my back. People think I'm trying to stick my boobs out...but the reality is the hair weight is dragging me down. Besides...it would be fun to have people come up and say..."hey what is that curwhibble you have there?" And I could say "look you phlyarologist...don't make me use this stick!!"

We also have six Honorable Mentions who deserve a big shout-out:

The Blue Ridge Gal - for making the most of the humiliation and shame angle
Kiki - for working in both Hall & Oates and Avery Schreiber
Natalie - for rhyming
Melodie - for keeping her husband in line
Heather - for devotion to the lifestyle
The Wife O Riley - for being the only person to point out the 'stache's secondary use as unibrow


Woo-Hoo! Big round of applause and moustache-rustling for all these very deserving winners!

Seriously, there were so many very funny and original comments. If you take a moment to scroll through them, you will find even more gems...

BTW, I found the moustaches at a super-cool little Etsy shop called Something's Hiding in Here. They have an unusual collection of unique, handmade (some might say odd) items that's worth checking out. You know, if you like that kind of thing.

Thanks again to everyone who commented!!!


In Other News

A big, fresh-baked THANK YOU to Don over at Beyond Left Field for laying this little baby on me:

I will, of course, be welding it onto the hood of my car before the weekend's out. Sniff on that, elementary-school meanie mommies! Nyah!


And Lastly

As if breakfast isn't awesome enough, I ran across this tasty item over at A Thorn Among Roses (via SITS):


That's right, it's Van Halen toast! Righteous brunch, dude! Face-melting guitar solo!


Up Next...

Meme Smackdown and a Dubious Compliment

56 comments:

The Wife O Riley said...

Thank you so much for the Honorary Mention! The winners definitely deserve those hype 'staches. I will definitely be back often. I'm just going to slap you with a little mustard and put you on my blogroll as well.

Michelle said...

Wow, funny blogger with funny comments. What more can a mustache wearing girl ask for?

Heather said...

Dammit. First Nikki Crumpet wins my autographed picture of George Clooney, then she wins the moustache? Some gals have all the luck!

Congrats to the winners and HMs, too! This post and its comments kept me laughing for days!

Cheers!

Heather said...

I'm humbled to have received an honorable mention. I'd like to thank a few people. First, I'd like to thank the early 80's for ushering in the miracle of Grizzly Adams and his gloriously thick facial hair. I'd like to thank Lonnie Anderson and Sally Fields for instructing women all across this fine nation how to kiss a man with follicularly blessed upper lips. And lastly, I'd like to thank the music industry for John Oats, Frank Zappa, Otis Redding, Freddy Mercury, Steve Perry, and Jim Croce.

KiKi said...

Awesome, Awesome! Thanks for the honorable mention...I'm very excited to be part of such an elite group of mustachioed dames! We *are* going to see photos of the winners and their new 'staches, right??

- oh, and by the way:

1) The mean mommie repelling hood ornament: loves.it.

2) The Van Halen toast: There are *no* words.

xo - Ki

KiKi said...

Awesome, Awesome! Thanks for the honorable mention...I'm very excited to be part of such an elite group of mustachioed dames! We *are* going to see photos of the winners and their new 'staches, right??

- oh, and by the way:

1) The mean mommie repelling hood ornament: loves.it.

2) The Van Halen toast: There are *no* words.

xo - Ki

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Thank you.... thank you very much. Bows and accepts Honorary Mention Award with much enthusiasm and grace... You like me... you really like me

Suzann @ Lavender and Roses said...

You are a hoot!

Eudea-Mamia said...

I'm way out of my league here!

Congrats to all the hairy ladies - totally awesome.

I guess I'll now have to pull my Snidely Whiplash whoop-ass on those drop off ladies with my finger draped under my nose. Wish me luck!

Em

A New England Life said...

Congratulations TMVM and Nikkicrumpet, as well as the six runner ups! Too funny! And I love the unibrow comment.

VanHalen on toast .... I didn't see that one coming.

Rick said...

I can handle rejection, especially when it involves the winning of a plastic facial hair figure on a stick, but there was not even one mention of the few male entrys that you recieved, and only two or three were serious efforts. I smell voter fraud - you acorn you. Where's my haning chad?

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, man, Rick - I knew you were going to cry gender discrimination! ;^)

As for your friend "Chad," he didn't leave a comment...

(Like I said, it was TOUGH judging all these awesome comments...I wish I had goodies to give to all...)

:^) Anna

AngiDe- Nana's Box said...

Hey, I gave you an award! Come by and check it out!

Angie
www.nanasboxnonprofit.blogspot.com

SuZ said...

Ha. I love the poem. Perfection, I tell you! :)

Natalie said...

Congrats to the winners!

Y'all should get some chicken dinners.

Thanks for the mention for my rhymin', it saved you from hearin' all my whinin'.

Sorry. I'll stop now.

<|:^)

I've decided to just smoosh a used fudgecicle stick into mine and let it dry in place. If I make a real commitment to keeping my hand up people will think I'm a winner!!!

jennifersusan said...

I knew I shoulda thrown in something about body hair. Oh well, maybe next time. ;p
Congratulations to all the winning ladies! You are all true 'stache genius' and should wear them with pride.
btw....Nice mommy repelling device!

nikkicrumpet said...

Before any of you "stache haters" start in crying foul...I just want to personally assure you that my foot was not on the line, there was no illegal proceedure, those dangling things are not chads, and the rumors that I've been juicing with ROIDS are totally unfounded! WOO FREAKIN HOO I won I won! Thank you ANNA I'm doing the naked happy dance as I type this! (which would explain the frantic 911 calls coming from my neighbors) I will cherish this hairy stick for all of my life!

Anna Lefler said...

Nikkicrumpet, I can't believe you just said "hairy stick" on my blog.

I'm runnin' a classy joint here, you know?

;^) Anna

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Anna: Hairy stick! Hairy stick! Hairy stick! and thanks man!

I've always wanted my very own stache on a stick and now I'm finally gonna gets me one!

And unlike my fellow rightful winner NikkiCrumpet, I am juiced up on roids (hemerroids! EEEWWWW! just kidding. I'm serious!), I did procede illegally (damn octagon shaped red signs with the letters S T O P on them) and my feet and comments are waaaaay over the line.

Thank you. TMM. Out.

Mamarazzi said...

love the winners, all funny!

Yaya said...

OF COURSE 'TMM' would have the best comment, she is hilarious!

Hula's Secret Blog said...

We love TMM!

Rhea said...

Congrats to the winners!

I can't believe my butt hair comment didn't earn me an honorary mention! Dagnabit.

Mandy @ Adventures of a Millennium Mom said...

Must have the Van Halen toaster....just gotta have it.

"Annie" said...

laughing...I'm so sorry I missed the If You Give A Ms. A Moustache contest. This post is hilarious and so are the comments.

Cheers

Annie

A Nice Place In The Sun

Michele said...

OK, little lady, I keep seeing your funny comments and goofy moustache everywhere. Your blog is hsyterical!

I left LA for a rural community once we had kids a couple years ago. I miss Santa Monica!

Jen said...

Ok I think that I missed something but it was very funny nonetheless. You just crack me up!!!

Jen said...

i needed a good laugh and your blog just gave me that! :) Love some bert! hehe!

Thanks for posting comments on my blog! LOVE THOSE!

Melodie said...

Thanks for the honorable mention!
I'd first like to thank the Academy for bestowing this honor upon me. And of course, I must remember to thank "the big guy upstairs."
Of course, you know that I am in Florida, so I could cry Democrat and claim that not all of my votes were counted. Isn't that the "in" thing to do here?

Blissful Babe said...

Well poop. A$$ed out AGAIN!

I'm one of those people that never wins anything. I swear to you. I went out on a date last night, with a guy who never wins anything (except for that date with me) and dude wins a door prize at the function we went to. What the hell is up with that??? That just goes to show you just how much I suck.

Good thing my blog rawks a little and you like me anyway!

*shake it shake it*
*doin the hump*

Oooo Oooo Oooo!!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Have decided to do a giveaway tomorrow... come play!

WheresMyAngels said...

Ok, we got to gang together to get this Nikki Crumpet off the net. She must have the inside on these contest. I say we protest her blog! Anyone with me??

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, no! Moustache backlash!

;^) Anna

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

dang. I was hoping the toast link went to an online store because when it comes to XMAS shopping for the hubby (who is a rabid Van Halen fan) I have to go to those "For the man who has everything" stores.

You got some very witty comments for the 'stache. I can see why your panel jury would have been out for days picking the winners.

Shannon said...

Those were some awesome comments!

One Wired Woman said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!! I'm already digging this SITStahood thing!! Love your blog... I'll be back for sure.

~Jill :)

Natalie said...

I've left something for you on my blog ;-)

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

Van Halen toast? Now THAT's something I haven't seen before!

Congrats to the moustache winners...lucky ducks. : )

My First Kitchen said...

Nikki is all about some winning, isn't she? Somebody needs to steal her mojo and mail it to me.

QuirkyLoon said...

Congrats to the winners (insert cheesy happy smile here).

Ok, so I'm bitter.

I'll get over it...eventually.

sob....sigh...sob...sigh.

I think I'm gonna start collecting my chin hair clippings and make my own stache... Mine will be better than your-ooorrs!

So there!

Ok, back in my happy place again!

lallalalalalalalalalalallaaaaaaa

T said...

man - I leave town for a few days and I miss the party of the year... and I could really use a mustache too... it would really help to be able to whine more when sick!

Pennies In My Pocket said...

Seriously, I have to pee before reading your blog because otherwise I have to change my pants when I'm done. You are FRICKIN' HILARIOUS!!! lol

The Van Halen toast is KILLING me! HAHAHAHAHA

~melody~

Justine said...

Damn I didn't even get an honorary mention! I'll remember next time to put on my funny cap before I click send. Congrats to the girls who won. I love them both!

Justine :o )

zenmom said...

Awesome! I 'bout peed my pants reading some of those responses. They were great fun. :) And I love the "If you gie a Ms a moustache". Very clever. :) But I must admit that I am most blown away by the VH toast. Is this a supernatural phenomenon - like the Virgin Mary PB&J or the Jesus Tuber? I must investigate further.

Swirl Girl said...

Since I didn't win the mustache on a stick- I have decided not to shave my legs for a year, then twist my legs up like a pretzel over my face and then I'll have my own 'stache on a stick!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Nice toast! And congrats to all the winners, I wish I had entered now...I really could use some facial hair, my face is kinda bare without it. Oh well. Next time.

I gave you another award, by the hoo-ha. Come on over to my blog and pick it up!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Whoa dude - you've got some heavy hitters over here. Looks like a blogger needs to pull up the straps, put on the holster, and rustle up a bull whip to crack.

Naw - congrats to all.

Rhonda said...

I love the D to the ULL!!! That was hilarious! And I'm sorry I missed the 'stache contest! It sounds like it was a hoot!

Thanks for stopping by today!!

MuseSwings said...

I was hanging around at Blicky Kitty's place and while relishing her comments I mistakenly clicked when I should have clacked, I suppose. I ended up here just in time to find out that I have missed out on a contest that rivals the Dream House Giveaway in the Feb. 1992 Family Circle mag. Your 'stash winner deserves the prize and maybe a beard to go with it. Great blog - I shall return.

La Belette Rouge said...

Question: Is it okay to put Pearl Jam on Van Halen Toast?
Delighted to find your moustache covered blog.

Lynda said...

I'm sorry I missed the moustache contest, too, but I think I am going come back regularly - you ARE a hoot!

Sandra said...

Hi, Stopping by from SITs. Great mustache btw. I gave you an award!

Poetikat said...

I caught up with you at Blicky's and you are sure funny! Too bad I missed the 'stache contest.

By the way, I got "followed" by the same one in your group (look for the nudie photo) you'll be surprised what it is - I blocked mine.

Anyway, I'm following you now too.

Stop in at Poetikat's or Blasts From the Past (or both). I love company!

Kat

mrsmouthy said...

If you give a girl a blog, she'll want some comments to go with it. Once she gets a comment, she's going to want a moustache. So you'll give her a moustache and...

Hm. Not sure how to loop back.

Christa said...

I could wile away the hours
Chattin’ with fellow bloggers
Consultin’ with my brain

And as my head was in mid giggle
I could be inspired by a plastic black squiggle

If I only had a stache…

:-(

Congrats to the winners and hasta la vista babies!

Kimberly said...

I think I read a Haiku like that once.