With apologies (and an honorary moustache) to Laura Joffe Numeroff, author of IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE...
If you give a Ms. a moustache...*
If you give a Ms. a moustache...
She'll want an ice-cold Bud to go with it...
Then she'll adjust her fly and say...
"As long as you've got a Bud handy, how's about some Doritos or somethin'?"
When you give her the snacks, she'll want to try out the recliner...
Once she's comfy, she'll want to know what time it is...
And when you tell her, she'll ask where you keep your remote...
Once she's got the remote, she'll wave you aside because you're blocking the TV...
When you ask how her day was, she'll say, "What channel is SportsCenter?"
And when the SoloFlex commercial comes on, she'll ask to use your phone...
And when you say she doesn't need a SoloFlex, she'll flex and say, "Yeah, you're right..."
Half an hour later, she'll stand and say, "I need to use the can..."
After you point the way, she'll say, "When I get back, how 'bout another cold Bud?"
* (...or a Miss...or a Mrs...)
Moustache-On-A-Stick Contest Results!
Okay, first of all, everyone here at the LJKGW home office was blown away by the response to our little contest, both in quantity and quality of comments. Seriously creative, funny stuff. Thank you for proving once again that LJKGW's team of professionally trained commentors (commentators?) kicks Internet ASS! I'm just going to pause a moment while you all pat yourselves on the back.
All right, great job on the patting. High-five!
I'd also like to thank our esteemed team of judges:
Don't let the wigs fool you - these guys are "D" to the "ULL. "
And here's a new development: since the judges had such a difficult time choosing between the top two 'stache contenders, we are pleased to announce that we will be awarding not one but TWO moustaches-on-sticks! (Nope, still not giving mine away...I managed to get my mitts on a third. You know, "the hair and a spare." *snort*)
And the winners - the folks whose comments made our judges laugh out loud the most - are:
TattooedMiniVanMom who said:
"Ok. Since I am very short I will wear the mustache (I'll have to shave my real one off first so that the one you send will stick. and I don't want mine to get jealous so I'll just kill it.)while wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt, with the top buttons open to show my chest hair in true Tom Selleck fashion, with my leg warmers on my hairy legs cause I wanna be just like you and look up at my sky and yell "Da plane. da plane!!"(that guy had a mustache right?) Then Ricardo Montalban will walk out from my overgrown bushes (pun intended) and we'll smoke a stogie together like I always wanted too. You can come too if you want. But I get a turn at Ricardo first. I don't want your sloppy seconds."
NikkiCrumpet who said:
"I'm thinking that the stache-on-a-stick would be a nice weight counterbalance to the hair on my back. People think I'm trying to stick my boobs out...but the reality is the hair weight is dragging me down. Besides...it would be fun to have people come up and say..."hey what is that curwhibble you have there?" And I could say "look you phlyarologist...don't make me use this stick!!"
We also have six Honorable Mentions who deserve a big shout-out:
The Blue Ridge Gal - for making the most of the humiliation and shame angle
Kiki - for working in both Hall & Oates and Avery Schreiber
Natalie - for rhyming
Melodie - for keeping her husband in line
Heather - for devotion to the lifestyle
The Wife O Riley - for being the only person to point out the 'stache's secondary use as unibrow
Woo-Hoo! Big round of applause and moustache-rustling for all these very deserving winners!
Seriously, there were so many very funny and original comments. If you take a moment to scroll through them, you will find even more gems...
BTW, I found the moustaches at a super-cool little Etsy shop called Something's Hiding in Here. They have an unusual collection of unique, handmade (some might say odd) items that's worth checking out. You know, if you like that kind of thing.
Thanks again to everyone who commented!!!
In Other News
A big, fresh-baked THANK YOU to Don over at Beyond Left Field for laying this little baby on me:
I will, of course, be welding it onto the hood of my car before the weekend's out. Sniff on that, elementary-school meanie mommies! Nyah!
As if breakfast isn't awesome enough, I ran across this tasty item over at A Thorn Among Roses (via SITS):
That's right, it's Van Halen toast! Righteous brunch, dude! Face-melting guitar solo!
Meme Smackdown and a Dubious Compliment