"Attention: Bitterness on Aisle 5"

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Angelina,

I don't mind at all if you want to start shopping at my Albertson's. Really. I can understand why you'd like to: the people are friendly, the produce is great and you just can't beat the convenience of a Starbucks outpost right there in the store.

I get it.

Here's the deal, though: You have got to organize your coupons next time before you get to the front of the check-out line. Seriously. I was the one stuck behind you while you dug through your big ol' handbag looking for the coupon you were "sure you had somewhere" for Pampers. And Tab. And Tater Tots. And Hamburger Helper.

Then, after all that, the cashier gives you your total and what do you do? You pull out a Holly Hobbie checkbook and start rooting around in your handbag for a pen. Good Lord, woman! Some of us have hungry husbands at home jonesing for Heinz 57 meatloaf and three-bean salad!

And while we're on the subject, I couldn't help but notice a few other points of grocery-store etiquette that you appear not to know but which we take pretty darned seriously at Albertson's #1097:

The anti-bacterial wipes are for cleaning the handle of your shopping cart. Most people take one. It is considered bad form to take 25, seal them in a baggie and stash them in your purse for later.

It's uncool to ask for more than one roll of quarters. Hey, we've all got laundry to do.

Please show common cell-phone courtesy. I'm sure your boyfriend is a lovely person, but I shouldn't have to listen to you bellow at him long-distance through your silly headset while I'm trying to figure out whether my feminine protection requires wings or not. And, Angie, a little free advice? From what I heard of your side of the conversation, that fella is still way too attached to his ex. A smart girl would play a little harder to get and, you know, spruce herself up a bit. (Hint: mascara is on Aisle 2.)

No hand-sampling from the fancy bins. Yes, we all saw what you did. I won't be buying any yogurt-covered pretzels anytime soon, I can tell you that.

Lastly, the thing I'm most upset about is that I know it was you who dented my car door. See, I was just coming out of the store with my shopping cart when you came screaming out of the space next to mine in your ice blue Buick LeSabre. When I got to my car (that's right - the lowered AMC Pacer with the custom neon skirt kit), there it was on the passenger door: a great, big, dent with curls of ice blue paint ground into it.

So I'm here to tell you - that crap might fly where you're used to shopping, but it doesn't at Albertson's #1097.

No, missy. It does not.

Sincerely,

Anna Lefler


Loot is One of My Favorite Things!

This week marked the culmination of Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap at Dandelion Wishes and, man, did I score!

I was paired up with my new bloggy friend Lynette over at My Undercover Life and she really went all out putting together a package of her favorite things to swap with me. Behold!


Along with a lovely personal note, my package included:

• Four colorful pens (I'm a pen freak)
• Super-swank peppermint castille soap
• Beautiful heart stationery
• A big-ass cranberry bath fizzie
• Muy moderne berry gum
• Her personal recipe for a real-live grownup drink called "Chocolate Cake" (includes actual booze!)
• A ceramic sign that reads "Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen." (That will be getting some use, believe me.)
• An awesome to do/to buy notepad (I'm a total listmaker)
• A magnet with a little frame that I can move around to indicate the mood I'm in at the moment. (I'll have to keep that one out of Jon Bon Jovi's sight; where's the sport in it if the hubster already knows what mood I'm in?)

[Now I've got this uneasy feeling that I should have sent her something nicer than my gently used VHS copy of "The Best of the Sandy Duncan Show."]

THANK YOU so much, Lynette, for the awesome
goodies - and Mamarazzi, too, for organizing!