Thursday, November 20, 2008

"Attention: Bitterness on Aisle 5"

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Angelina,

I don't mind at all if you want to start shopping at my Albertson's. Really. I can understand why you'd like to: the people are friendly, the produce is great and you just can't beat the convenience of a Starbucks outpost right there in the store.

I get it.

Here's the deal, though: You have
got to organize your coupons next time before you get to the front of the check-out line. Seriously. I was the one stuck behind you while you dug through your big ol' handbag looking for the coupon you were "sure you had somewhere" for Pampers. And Tab. And Tater Tots. And Hamburger Helper.

Then, after all that, the cashier gives you your total and what do you do? You pull out a Holly Hobbie checkbook and start rooting around in your handbag for a pen. Good Lord, woman! Some of us have hungry husbands at home jonesing for Heinz 57 meatloaf and three-bean salad!

And while we're on the subject, I couldn't help but notice a few other points of grocery-store etiquette that you appear not to know but which we take pretty darned seriously at Albertson's
#1097:

The anti-bacterial wipes are for cleaning the handle of your shopping cart. Most people take one. It is considered bad form to take 25, seal them in a baggie and stash them in your purse for later.

It's uncool to ask for more than one roll of quarters.
Hey, we've all got laundry to do.

Please show common cell-phone courtesy.
I'm sure your boyfriend is a lovely person, but I shouldn't have to listen to you bellow at him long-distance through your silly headset while I'm trying to figure out whether my feminine protection requires wings or not. And, Angie, a little free advice? From what I heard of your side of the conversation, that fella is still way too attached to his ex. A smart girl would play a little harder to get and, you know, spruce herself up a bit. (Hint: mascara is on Aisle 2.)

No hand-sampling from the fancy bins.
Yes, we all saw what you did. I won't be buying any yogurt-covered pretzels anytime soon, I can tell you that.

Lastly, the thing I'm most upset about is that I know
it was you who dented my car door. See, I was just coming out of the store with my shopping cart when you came screaming out of the space next to mine in your ice blue Buick LeSabre. When I got to my car (that's right - the lowered AMC Pacer with the custom neon skirt kit), there it was on the passenger door: a great, big, dent with curls of ice blue paint ground into it.

So I'm here to tell you - that crap might fly where yo
u're used to shopping, but it doesn't at Albertson's #1097.

No, missy. It does not.


Sincerely,


Anna Lefler


Loot is One of My Favorite Things!

This week marked the culmination of
Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap at Dandelion Wishes and, man, did I score!

I was paired up with my new bloggy friend Lynette over at My Undercover Life and she really went all out putting together a package of her favorite things to swap with me. Behold!


Along with a lovely personal note, my package included:
  • Four colorful pens (I'm a pen freak)
  • Super-swank peppermint castille soap
  • Beautiful heart stationery
  • A big-ass cranberry bath fizzie
  • Muy moderne berry gum
  • Her personal recipe for a real-live grownup drink called "Chocolate Cake" (includes actual booze!)
  • A ceramic sign that reads "Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen." (That will be getting some use, believe me.)
  • An awesome to do/to buy notepad (I'm a total listmaker)
  • A magnet with a little frame that I can move around to indicate the mood I'm in at the moment. (I'll have to keep that one out of Jon Bon Jovi's sight; where's the sport in it if the hubster already knows what mood I'm in?)
[Now I've got this uneasy feeling that I should have sent her something nicer than my gently used VHS copy of "The Best of the Sandy Duncan Show."]

THANK YOU so much, Lynette, for the awesome
goodies - and Mamarazzi, too, for organizing!


66 comments:

Imogen Lamport said...

And I bet Angelina takes all the free dog poo picking up bags from the dispenser in the park too - leaving none for me when I get there with my pooch!

jori-o said...

HAhaha! Did she have her gaggle of kids with her, running all over creation and taking peices of fruit from the BOTTOM of the display to cause a fruitalanche too??

Honestly, some people!

SWC said...

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but God do I miss L.A.

Beth Kephart said...

But I thought that Angelina, mired as she is in making Brad feel claustrophobic (I read it about, it must be true) didn't have time for anything else?

Oh, Anna, you teach me everything.

Heather A@desertnightcreations.com said...

SUPER amusing post! hehehehe

Suzann @ Lavender and Roses said...

You never fail to crack me up. LOL. Congrats on being first to comment today.

HappyHourSue said...

LMAO- the GMC Pacer!!!! That was one dope-ass car. I had my suspicions that Jolie was annoying- thanks.

Sadiebug and her Mom said...

People still use checkbooks? I had no idea.

Comedy Goddess said...

If people are going to have their speaker turned up high on their mobile, they should at least be talking about something that I can enjoy vicariously. Most of the time I just give them unsolicited advice. Works for me, it's how I get even.
PS - thanks for your kind words on my blog! Back at ya!

Bar-b said...

You've seen me at the Clorox dispenser haven't you? Listen, in my defense...I only take these so that I can take them to the bins and wipe down my yogurt pretzels. Honest.

Great score on your favorite things basket!

K and/or K said...

Were her kids stealing all the samples right before you made it to the table to score yours?

Love this humor! Great post.

eve cleveland said...

Anna,
How come no one ever sends me anything good? I'm not one of the beautiful popular Hollywood types I reckon....where's my gin?

Anyhoo, Girls....this is serious. After Angie drops this bugger (is there just one in there?) we have to band together and free her uterus. Are y'all with me? Come on, we can do this. Otherwise, we will have to hear about it's tenants for the next 30 years. I can't take that.
Eve

Blissful Babe said...

Judas H Priest, lady. You crack my stuff UP.

You know, come to think of it, I think I saw that very same ice blue Buick Le Sabre at my Price Cutter last week...

Oh, and for the record, I won't be buying any yogurt-covered pretzels...like...ever. Blick.

I love Loot, too! I can't wait to have job/money so I can do a Loot swap. How freaking FUN!!!

wenderful said...

Holy Toledo, that is a genious post Ms. Lefler! I loved your consideration on feminine hygiene products and the Hollie Hobby checkbook cover!
I hope you don't mind my adding you to my blogroll. It's much more convenient that scrolling through all the SITS comments looking for the blond woman with the mustache.
Have a great day!

Grand Pooba said...

Loved your letter to Angelina, what an ass hat btw!

And you totally scored on that box full of favs! I'm totally jealous of you right now!

Florinda said...

This...was hilarious. But I have to wonder whether it all really happened :-).

Thanks for the Friday-morning laugh!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Your letter rocks. Angelina who?

T said...

Sandy Duncan rocks... don't feel badly :)

and around here we never get Angie and her kids clogging up our checkouts... just all the normal people and their kids - who me, MY kids? heck no, why do you think I shop at midnight with all the freaks and other mothers of multitudes?

La Belette Rouge said...

I so hope that whoever has the job of googling to find everything about Angelina finds this post and that she /he/them laugh as hard as I did.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

LOVED your letter. That was too funny!!

And I'm with you...I don't get how this works over at SITS today. Linky? No linky? Just comment and that's the linky? Ahh!

Mamarazzi said...

FANTASTIC!!! fave line "(Hint: mascara is on Aisle 2.)" soo funny!!

and YAY for your fav things swap stuff arriving! if you haven't done it yet, come over and add yourself to Mr. Linky over on my blog...

Erin said...

"From what I heard of your side of the conversation, that fella is still way too attached to his ex"

Oh this did me in. LOL What a great open letter.

blueviolet said...

I love everything about that post. I'm so glad I stopped in from SITS to read it today. You completely crack me up.

QuirkyLoon said...

Very, very funny!

I hope you don't go all postal on Ms. Jolie the next time your paths cross.

heh heh

unfinishedrambler said...

I'm stuck back on Heinz 57 meatloaf. That sounds delectable. Do you have the recipe? ;) No, really.

DiPaola Momma said...

I KNEW IT Brad and Jen were just MEANT for eachother.. oh how sad to be the Single mom of.. count em..6 kids!

I loved this.. and I'm a big Angie fan baby.

horatio salt said...

i larfed so hard i just spit up my cream o' mushroom soup. now where the hell are those baby wipes...

jennifersusan said...

I seriously need to start doing the favorite things swaps, I am in desperate need of a VHS of Sandy Duncan.
It's good to see you didn't pin the cheese and cracker table incident on her though, that was totally my boys. I can't seem to pry them away from the gouda. Go figure!

Lynette said...

LOL. Sandy Duncan she says... I'm going to lock myself and enjoy my loot this weekend.

Amanda K said...

Fun Fun! I love reading this, it was so amusing and made me laugh!

MammaDucky said...

When she's down here "saving" the Big Easy, she brings her whole brood into Walmart where they rub their Cheetoed fingers all over everything. The nerve of some people.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I just knew that she was a cheap, inconsiderate coupon cutter...

MuseSwings said...

Checkbook. Can you believe it? I don't even carry cash anymore. 'Tis brilliant that you can make me laugh about the very thing that turned me into an ax murderer.

Mandy said...

LMAO!! This was a riot!

nikkicrumpet said...

I'm feeling a bit soft and gooshy today..so whilst in this mood I need to get this out....You are a gift to blogland....truly...a great big box wrapped in bright fancy paper tied with a sparkly bow. I always get excited when I see you've posted something new. I enjoy the laughs, snorts, chuckles and giggles. Ms Anna...I simply ♥ you.

LarryG said...

i will have to bring my camera to Albertons...
haha! and to think that you saw on "Aisle 5"

bless their lil ole insecurely snobbish heart...

Valerie said...

Love it, love it, love it! Stopping by from SITS and glad I did.

Rhea said...

I'm a pen freak and a list maker too.

Michelle said...

That Angie, she just doesn't know how to play fair.

The Wife O Riley said...

That's big ol' Hermes Vintage Crocodile Birkin Handbag to you!

If a guy is in the grocery store talking loudly on the phone, I sneek up behind him and in my sleepiest (but incredibly loud) voice I tell him to hang up the phone and come back to bed. Works everytime!

Zen Ventures said...

A celebrity with big shopping attitude! Oh well, they can act but definitely can't act right in the real world! ha!

Yaya said...

I loathe checkbooks at the grocery store!!!!!

Temple said...

I live in Alabama and I am pretty darn sure that Angelina is in a long-distance relationship because I was behind her boyfriend at my friendly, local Publix the other night. Dude, get your coupons together, get off the cell phone and NO they will not wait for you to finish your call and then go out to your car to get your checkbook....seriously...And I just wanted to get my milk, yogurt and Star magazine. Jesus.

angie said...

Who would have known she'd commit so many faux pas at the grocery store? I mean, get a clue, Angelina! :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

That's why I shop at Albertson's #875. West Side, yo.

WheresMyAngels said...

Man, I HATE when people break my concentration over the "wings or no wings" decisions. Those people should be made to shop at Berts Mini-Mart!

Felicia Eis said...

ROFL!!!!! So Funny!!!!

And I loved Eve's comment
"Anyhoo, Girls....this is serious. After Angie drops this bugger (is there just one in there?) we have to band together and free her uterus. Are y'all with me? Come on, we can do this. Otherwise, we will have to hear about it's tenants for the next 30 years. I can't take that."

I am dieing tight now!!!!!!

ella said...

You still have an Albertsons?? Wow! all of ours were turned into "Lucky" stores.

Poor Angie, she just wants to be like real folks, but we all must remember: there always be those for whom the rules do not apply....

Mamarazzi said...

no worries i set you up in Mr linky...he keeps trying to escape my blog. i am pretty sure it's him and NOT me. but i will admit it hurts my self esteem a little.

anyway you are all linked up. thanks for playing!!

My First Kitchen said...

Ooh, a stuff swap. Fun. I just had to send you this. You'll love it. http://www.designspongeonline.com/2008/08/bread-and-badger.html

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

I always liked Sandy Duncan 'cept she had that one spooky lookin' eyeball... ya ya I know... don't make fun of the handicapped, but still, that eye... just saying.

Brenda Jean said...

BAHAHAHAHaHHA I SO needed this laugh. My vertigo kicked in yesterday and hasn't let up. SO-- if you see ME in the grocery store cut me some slack. If I'm weaving in and out of the aisles getting in your way I can't help it. Really. And I promise not to take all the wipes or hunt for a pen when I'm in front of you in line. Oh and I really do know how to use the self-checkout, but PLEASE do not invade my space by getting as close to me as you can when I'm not moving at super speed to bag my own groceries. Just saying. BAHAHAHAHAHA

Michele said...

Another funny post. I think I shopped at that Albersons, too. I miss LA. :-)

dana wyzard said...

Dammit. I've been traversing the bloggosphere, reading where I haven't read before, and everyone has between 60 to 150 comments! I have ten. TEN!! Come on over and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I've seen you at humorbloggers but never made the connection....you: mustache: VERY talented: *sniff*

KiKi said...

Great post! I share your pain! :-P

AndreaLeigh said...

That was quite funny! Sorry your shopping experience left much to be desired. Isn't that peppermint soap divine?

Braja said...

I'm glad you sorted her out. It was the same when she came here to India lookin' for babies...too much, people...too much....

dizzblnd said...

How cool to see ANY celebrity at a store. I live in Florida, so it doesn't happen all the time, even if it did, it would NOT happen with me in the vicinity.


The swap thing is an AWESOME fun idea! Very cool!


Thanks for following me too. I appreciate it :)

Sue said...

Love that she took all the sanitary wipes and put them in a zip lock bag....how come I never thought to do that...Has anyone ever told you that in with the disguise you look like Bobby Flay's wife, you know the one from Law and Order.....

Jamie said...

Haha, you are HILLARIOUS! Your letter rocked :-)

Real Live Lesbian said...

And all we have here in TN is a bunch of redneck women clogging up the hairspray aisle. Scootch over, Dolly...I need some Aqua Net!

Your life is so exciting.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Great post! And what the heck are people doing in this day and age still WRITING CHECKS??? I was behind one the other day...have they not seen that commercial bashing them???

Kimberly said...

I had a lady who was wider than she was tall ding my car door one time. As I walked up, she tried to deny it was her.

My car alarm was going off...

Bad news for her, she caught me 14 days too early and I called the police. Can you believe it??? I'm still laughing at myself.

It took me a while to understand what insurance company was Triple 8's. Oh, AAA... I see.

Laurel said...

Personally - you had me at the Pacer. Now those were ... somethin' else allright. There was a purple one in my hood - ooh - maybe that was a Gremlin??? AMC - carmaker of the future. We had a Sportabout. Oy.

acute_disaster said...

OH MY GOD.

In a way, that is kind of neat. I mean, you were near a celebrity.

But it's a shame she was such a biatch. Lol.

It's a surprise you still have an Albertson's. All of ours are being turned into Publix's. Bleh.

And your blog is amazing.
:]
You earned yourself a follower, yo.

I look forward to more posts.

-AD

Shonda Little said...

Oh man, I was the lady with the unorganized coupons yesterday. But, the beer was on sale and it had me disoriented.