Monday, December 1, 2008

[Insert Awful Tennis Pun of Choice Here]

Inexplicably, I have tennis elbow.

Whatever, right? Right, except that the last time I swung a tennis racket I was wearing Roll-on Kissing Potion, my clarinet case was leaning against the chain-link fence and I was sporting a pink Izod shirt with the collar popped so high that it folded my earlobes. Now, that's some late-friggin'-onset tennis elbow.

I'm beginning to consider, however, the credibility of a second option...an option that, in light of certain evidence, see
ms most plausible:

I think I'm playing tennis in my sleep.

That's right - I think I'm sleep-tennising. C'mon, you've read weirder things in the Internet. Everyone readily accepts the phenomenon of sleep-walking...can sleep-sports be far behind?


The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, really. All the signs are there:
  • The sudden appearance of a flock of those snow-white, frilly tennis-diaper-cover thingies in the laundry hamper
  • My recent obsession with Bjorn Borg - or is it Martina Navratilova? (Dammit.)
  • The fact that I have adopted Monica Seles' signature grunt for any activity requiring even the slightest exertion (Passing the green beans at dinner - "UNH!" Applying mascara - "UNH!" Answering the phone - "UNH!")
  • My new habit when helping out in my kids' classrooms of yelling "FAULT!" whenever one of the children answers a question incorrectly
  • The judgmental way Jon Bon Jovi (not my husband's real name) was looking at me this morning when I woke up and discovered I was wearing a read-white-and-blue-striped terry cloth headband...and sneakers.
Of course, I have questions about my new sleep-tennis lifestyle. Many questions.

For instance, which club have I joined? Does it have valet parking? Do they make a decent Monte Cristo sandwich? Are the dues such that I can effectively hide them from Jon Bon Jovi? Do they host a holiday dinner dance and, if so, am I on the decorations committee?


And what about my tennis-playing? Am I ranked? Should I be boning up for the state championships? Or wait - what if I got tennis elbow not from playing tennis but from repeatedly hoisting courtside gin and tonics and signaling for reloads of cocktail weenies? What if I'm one of those Mrs. Robinson types who goes to the club just to lounge around in a gold lame caftan and ogle the taut, young cabana boys?

[ahem]


Hey, back off, man - everyone needs a hobby.


Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my afternoon nap...

Le Thanks

I'm tickled pink to receive the
Encouraged Award from The Wife of Riley! (((Hug.)))

Blicky Kitty has gone and created her own personal award, of which I am a very proud recipient. It's Blicky Kitty's Blogs Worth Stalking Award and you can see it here (as well as in my sidebar). Meow-meow and thanks-thanks!

Big thanks to
Ashley and JenniferSusan for the Proximidade Award!

And I've been tagged by
Elizabeth, Nicole, Hula, Brooke, and Mandy for some very cool memes that I have not yet had the chance to tackle. Thanks for taggin' me up!

66 comments:

Comedy Goddess said...

After sharing my recent views on physical exercise, I feel a kindred spirit between us.

Very funny post!!

HappyHourSue said...

OMG - "kissing potion"!!!!!!!! I remember a whole lotta potion and no kissing. Just sticky lips.

You should totally start wearing those peds socks with the puffy balls at the heel. And Tretorns. That would be sweet.

Heather said...

Re: Club dues - just say you're a guest of the Underhills and you'll be all set! ;)

Thanks for the laugh as I try vainly to procrastinate on starting my massive to-do list... I may have to reread this once or thrice, it was so good!

Happy Monday!

Braja said...

I'm just glad I'm not sleeping with you. Because of the tennis-in-your-sleep thing, not because I don't think you're gorgeous and I wouldn't want to sleep with you. Not that I'm making a pass at you or anything. Not that I'm a lesbian or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If I was, I would.

Boy.

flydragon said...

I believe that you do indeed have sleep-tennis, because I know I have sleep-eating. There's no way I can be gaining all that weight any other way. And while you get exercise (maybe a little), get to drink cocktails and ogle the cabana boys, all I get to ogle is the inside of the fridge with its hard boiled egg and cheese, right before I scarf them up. I want what you have!!!!

wenderful said...

Do you think it possible that I could do my boot camp class while snoozing? That would save me from getting up at 4:45 everyday. Hmmmm.

Loved your post, as always.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

There's worse things you could be doing in your sleep.

Ann's Rants said...

I'm LOL and now my two-year-old is LOL because I am. Meanwhile, we are volleying back and forth in the living room...

Melodie said...

The Monica Seles signature grunt - LOL! My husband hears this every night when I climb up into bed.

Lianne said...

I ended up getting tennis elbow from playing Wii bowling. Not Wii tennis, mind you. Bowling. Go figure.

I could use sleep exercise time. When you figure out how this works, let me know. I'll come take lessons.

ZenMom said...

Mmmm, Cabana Boys. Oh, sorry, was there something else you were talking about there? Oh, right, sleep-tennis. Only possible explanation.

Also, I want you to know that my deep and abiding respect for you is only increased by your ability to admit to your Kissing-Potion-popped-collar past.

I feel like, someday, we may be able to get to a point in our relationship where we can really open up and talk about ... *whisper* Swatches. *sob*

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I would like to insert an awful tennis pun about fuzzy balls. I haven't worked out the whole thing yet though. I'll get back to you when I have something more concrete. Or asphalt, something more asphalt. (or is that Ass Fault?)

ok, I'm done here.

La Belette Rouge said...

Are you secretly dating David Duchovny? ( He had an affair with his tennis coach and if you didn't know that my comment would not be funny. It still might not be funny even if you did.)

And, hey, I had the best and most complete collection of Bonnee Bell lip smackers and kissing potions. Respect my sticky and sweet smelling lip authority.;-)

Eudea-Mamia said...

Boris Becker. Yum.

Linda said...

OMG too funny! I hope you aren't giving your bed mate a black eye with all that tennis arm swinging!

Grand Pooba said...

Hmmm, that must be what my husband is doing when he elbows me in his sleep!

And all this time I thought he secretly wanted me dead. What a relief!

Michelle said...

I was stuck at the Kissing potion......so remember isn't yummy goodness and how your hair stuck to it the minute the breeze kicked up.

I hope your tennis elbow doesn't spread to your funny bone!! :)

Lula! said...

Wow, I am so behind on my blog reading...but I've a great time catching up on yours...while sipping coffee and watching the snow fall. Good times.

Lynda said...

Sleep-tennising... love the sound of that.

Hairline Fracture said...

Do you take Ambien by any chance? I've heard it makes people do weird things in their sleep! ;-)

Tug said...

I once sleep-pissed on the kitchen floor.
So yeah. Sleep-tennising doesn't sound too strange. :]

Temple said...

If you figure out the cause of this, can you please pass it along...I'd like to start sleep-laundering...or sleep vaccuming...I'd love to wake up and find all that crap just magically done!

Rhea said...

wow, congrats on all your awards, and look at you, playing tennis in your sleep. You're probably a world champ and you don't even know it.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I sleep-drink all the time. Makes waking up a lot nicer until I slip on the empties.

jennifersusan said...

sooo...sleep-tennising, does that count as exercizing? I'm, um, thinking maybe that's something I should develop. C'mon you get to work out, eat monte cristo sandwhiches and not remember any of it? How bad can it be?

Swirl Girl said...

I actually had a doctor instruct me to stop wringing out my laundry in order to avoid the pain in my arm.

#1 - if I actually wrung out laundry that would be good advice.
#2 - if I actually did laundry.

maybe I sleep wash....naaaah.

Fifi Flowers said...

I hope you have a hot cabana boy fanning you after your wild game of tennis while you sip drinks with the non-stuffy gals!
ENJOY!
Fifi
P.S. Perhaps you should go to sleep with an elbow brace on! LOL

only a movie said...

Oh how I loved that kissing potion!! Thanks for the blast from the past. Funny post!

Deb said...

I am so glad you posted about sleep tennis. You made me realize I must be doing sleep synchronized swimming as I wake up soaking wet. I originally thought it was from wearing polar fleece bear paw print PJs with a down comforter doubled up on top of three polar fleece blankets, flannel sheets and a 29 pound dog on my feet.

The Wife O Riley said...

The answer is perfectly simple; You channel John Newcombe in your sleep. Google him and make sure you look at the images, then you'll get it. (If you don't already)

Sue said...

Do you really have tennis elbow...My Doc just told me that's what's wrong with my elbow?? I am the most un-atheletic person in the world...He said it's probably how I sleep???

dizzblnd said...

LMAO... I don't know what to say.. that was a helluva funny post and congrats on your awards

nikkicrumpet said...

hmmm since the rollon kissing potion, the clarinet and Izod shirt were just last week...I don't think this should come as such a surprise. And I'm thinking the Monica Seles noises might make your hubby feel pretty good about his...ahem...."performance"
I love visiting your blog...all the laughter it causes means I don't have to do stomach crunches. I think if Braja doesn't take you ... I will hehehe

trogblog said...

Great Post...how do you feel about the smell of rubber, felt and canned air?

Brandy said...

hahaha I really love this post!! Your blog is super!

My Side of the Story! said...

Roll-on Kissing Potion, a clarinet case, a pink Izod shirt with a popped collar??? OMG! That's it!

I'm puttin' on my Members Only jacket, splashin' on some High Karate and I'm taking you out on the town!

But the Sleep Tennis could be worse.. You could have Sleep Football. Nothing like a good tackle in the bedroom.. Oops, offsides! Flag on the play!

Great post! Later Tater. ;)

Tessa said...

I know this hasn't anything to do with your being a highly-strung tennis playing sleeper, but it is interesting nevertheless. Did you know that there is a world record for being able to squirt liquids out of a human eye. The existing record is 8.7 feet (2.65m), but a Turkish man claims to have broken the record with a 9.2 feet (2.8m) squirt? Amazing, huh? But not quite as amazing as waking up hot and sweaty in your sneakers with a fuzzy ball on your pillow.....

I suggest you carry on being Mrs. Robinson...such a lovely way to pass the day, methinks.

mommaof4wife2r said...

merry SITSmas to you too...and u r totally cracking me up witht he tennis elbow. you should consider going pro if you've got it that bad. maybe get a hot partner. who knows!

mrsmouthy said...

It's true about your sleep-tennis syndrome. I know because I am your sleep-tennis partner and I hate to break it to you, but you're not that good. And I'm always covering your a** for missing the dinner dance planning meetings, so STEP IT UP.

Bill Austin said...

Your site has won a Blog of the Day Award (BOTDA)

Award Code


Thank you,

Bill Austin

AngiDe- Nana's Box said...

Merry SITSmas!! Happy commenting!

Angie
"Nana's Box"

Kat said...

I remember when I was eight years old or so I had the biggest crush on this guy named Lee and I used to go down to the little league fields to watch him play baseball and I would sit near the right field fence and apply and reapply my roll on kissing potion. I never got kissed by him, but I thought it was worth the effort.

MuseSwings said...

Congrats on your Blog of the Day!!! How cool is that! Well deserved. Especially with the tennis elbow thing going on.

The Blonde Duck said...

Merry SITsmas from a fellow writer!

NoBS said...

Oh! You are too funny! I'll by back often!

Megan said...

Merry SITSmas!!!

Lizzie said...

cool, i want a sleeping hobby! ME NEXT, PICK ME! *waving hand in the air*

I think I am sleep eating, it would explain why no matter how well my diet is going I am still packing on the pounds. ggrrrr, Darn You sleep eating!!

Vic said...

Hey thanks for stopping by my blog, I really enjoy your blog I was reading some of your past entries you never know what you're going to think of next. That's awesome. :) I hope we can stay in touch.

Vic said...

Hey thanks for stopping by my blog, I really enjoy your blog I was reading some of your past entries you never know what you're going to think of next. That's awesome. :) I hope we can stay in touch.

Imogen Lamport said...

I got tennis elbow (and I haven't played tennis for 30 years) earlier this year from carrying a suitcase.

I wish it could have been a drinking related injury - maybe if you'd been chugging magnums of champagne that's how you could have got it that way.

But if you really are playing tennis in your sleep - does that mean you don't need any exercise whilst you're awake?

Scary Mommy said...

How the hell do I not know you?!! This cracked me up.

phd in yogurtry said...

Having had actual tennis elbow caused by real live racquet, I feel your pain. And no fair. You should at least be having some fun and exercise if you have to suffer like that.

FULL MOON INDUSTRIES said...

just got blog back up and running. i posted a few pics from Halloween night & other oddites. check it out when you get some time fullmoonindustries.blogspot.com/
stay true~

Nanette said...

You really are a hoot! It's a pleasure to have you stop by.. I will love following your blog. I use to fly around for my job and spent a lot of time one year there.. I loved it. Hubby's health is pretty bad, maybe when all is said and done, I'll think about settling there... you never know with life's twist and turns. i love that you are having a blast!
Nanette

Divine Chaos said...

great post! I hope the tennis club you've joined makes a decent Monte Cristo, I mean really .. how can you be part of one that doesn't?

I'll cheer you on in my sleep, apparently I watch a lot of tennis, 'cause I always wake up with a crick in my neck!

thanks for breezing by to see my blog ;)

The Divinely Chaotic One

dana wyzard said...

Have you considered the fact that you might be unknowingly taking LUNESTA before you go to bed? My doctor put me on it. I HONESTLY walked in my sleep, into the bathroom; got out the scissors and cut my hair!! HALF OF IT.....REAL short. After I woke up I had to return to the bathroom; get out the scissors, and proceed to cut the OTHER half, SHORT, to match sides.

Christa said...

Yo Lefler. Wake up blondie. Nap time is over!

I've got some fabulous purple berry juice that could help you out with that nasty elbow. I'm headed to the fridge now, I'll pour you some.

Please don't buy fuzzy ball socks. They would detract from the look of the mustache on a stick.

Giggle On!

VE said...

Wow, you have tennis elbow? Do you also look like Maria Sharapova? That wouldn't be a bad side effect...

My First Kitchen said...

Ogling is a very worthy hobby. My current cabana boy is James McAvoy. And of course my husband. His name's Sting.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

That is some dangerous stuff you are dealing with! Seriously, one poorly aimed 130-mph-serve in bed and you could be looking at divorce! And with your eyes being shut because of the being asleep thing and all, it is sure to happen sooner or later. Tsk. Good luck.

The Blonde Duck said...

Hope your tennis elbow gets better!

Lynette said...

LOL. Well it should give you an excuse to get out there and shop, you need some fashionable outfits for the courts, or the bed...whatever.

Wendy said...

Holy funniness! That's just what I needed.

Vanessa said...

Great blog!

The Hussy Housewife said...

I actually think you are on to something. You are actually gettting your excercise in at night. What a time saver...
Also people are still sporting sweatbands..I see them everyday at the gym. I was think of making some Hussy ones so I could fit in..want me to pick you up a pair?

horatio salt said...

'those snow-white, frilly tennis-diaper-cover thingies'. oh. my. gawd. picturing you in that outfit is going to keep my fevered imagination busy for weeks.

[here's a theory: your tennis elbow is from excessive blogging. federer says: use your mouse with the other hand.]

now, if 'jon bon jovi' suddenly calls out 'foot fault!' while he's sitting across from you at an intimate table in your favorite restaurant, and your foot is nowhere near his lap, then he's caught the tennis bug, too... and then he's the one who'll be wearing those snow-white, frilly tennis-diaper-cover thingies... anxiously awaiting your post on that...