Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Is It Summer Yet? (Please?)

Let's Go Surfin' NOW!

Yes, it's that time of the month year again, when thoughts turn to sunshine, vacations and lazy afternoons spent in traffic school the backyard hammock with a good buzz book.

That's right - summer is almost upon us and I can't wait!

As many of you know, 2009 has gone down around here about as smoothly as pea gravel pancakes and we're ready to wave bye-bye to spring, no matter how many flushes it takes.

How about you? Not sure? Well, then, take the highly scientific and statistically airtight LJKGW Summer Vacation Aptitude Test for instant results guaranteed to:
  • enlighten you on a couple things
  • confuse and/or disturb you about a few other things
  • delay that thing you don't want to do right now by 5-7 minutes
Okay, then. Those of you not already wearing floaties, put 'em on and let's jump in!



1. Your idea of the perfect summer vacation is:

a. So raging, it leaves you with blurred vision for a week.

b. Setting aside time to organize your closets and pantries and then getting a jump on next year's tax returns.
c. Described in two words: hand sanitizer.
d. Trapping and skinning small animals in rural Oregon and fashioning their pelts into custom harmonica slings.



2. How do you count down the days until summer?


a. By shooting out the neighbor's fence posts - one by one - with your new crossbow.
b. By cranking up the barbershop quartet and practicing your melon-balling 20 minutes per night so you'll be in top form to whip out those jaunty summer salads.

c. You try not to think about it and hope it just goe
s away.
d. By gradually eating a 15-pound slab of Gorgonzola - one slice each night - until it's all gone.



3. What is your favorite memory from a childh
ood summer vacation?

a. The time you and your siblings got to stay up all night and listen to the police scanner in the van while your parents were out "visiting" the Hell's Angels they met at the gas station.

b. The triumph of spending a summer at a Wyoming dude ranch without getting a single stain on your white Bermuda shorts.

c. The summer you caught mono and got to stay in your room for three months.
d. Gothic Rug-Hooking Camp in the Catskills.



4. (
For those in the workforce) When you finish your last project or task before vacation, you typically:

a. Slip into the cubby under your desk, pop open the ol' cooler, and spend the rest of the afternoon singing your favorite Journey tunes into the business end of a longneck.
b. Scurry to your supervisor's office (preferably bearing a gift) and ask what else you might do to make his/her day more pleasant.

c. Hide in a bathroom stall until the workday is over
.
d. Put on shimmering gold MC Hammer pants and strike the massive gong you keep behind your filing cabinet for that very purpose.



5. (For students) When you complete your last final,
how do you mark the occasion?

a. If you could remember that, you could probably remember a lot of other stuff, too.

b. By pulling an all-nighter erasing any stray pencil marks you made in your textbooks during the school year.

c. By calling campus security and requesting that an o
fficer escort you back to your dorm.
d. By helping neuter piglets over in the Veterinary Department.


6. What's the one thing you never take a summer vacation without?


a. Your lucky condom.
b. A typed, double-spaced itinerary, color-coded and
cross-referenced for AAA ratings.
c. Anti-pickpocket wallet-sling. No, snakebite kit. You want to pick two, don't you?

d. Your ferret.



7. What was your worst summer vacation expe
rience?

a. Trying to party in this motel room in Sioux City while they guy next door kept
making weird honking noises and ratting you out to the manager.
b. Let's just say to call that woman a "concierge" was a
complete misrepresentation.
c. Trying to get a decent night's sleep in this mot
el in Sioux City while the degenerates in the next room kept burning "incense" and triggering your asthma.
d. The time the guy in the white Bermuda shorts insulted your ferret.


8. If you could take a trip anywhere in the world, where would you go?

a. Laughlin, Nevada, Baby!
b. Civil War Reenactment Camp.

c. Do I have to go?
d. Three Mile Island.


SCORING YOUR TEST


If you answered mostly "a" - You are a Zen master and will likely outlive the rest of us.

If you answered mostly "b" - Get comfortable with the phrase "table for one." You're going to be using it a lot.

If you answered mostly "c" - ...BOO! [heh, heh] Sorry, couldn't resist.

If you answered mostly "d" - We're going to need to clamp this little tracking device to you. No worries - you won't even know it's there...


Bonus!
New Product Alert!


For your convenience this summer: A freestanding backyard hammock that doubles as an IUD!

What will they think of next...?


Thank you to TexasRed Books for the awesome shout-out!

And thank you
to Hammy over at The Blah-Blahs and the Yada-Yadas for this scrappy little number:

34 comments:

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

You are hilarious! Especially love the hammock. Oh, and I'm probably a 'c'...boo!!!

Chase said...

if I had that hammock, my fear would be I'd instantly begin looking for the longest, largest hill I could possibly find and go out for a spin.

BrightenedBoy said...

I just wanted to thank you for the explicitly threatening comment you left on my blog.

I cannot imagine a more flattering way to be forewarned of my own vicious murder.

If I'm to go down by homicide, the person should at least tell me I have nice hair first!

Your quiz was funny!

Frau said...

So funny....so ready for summer!

Anna Liffen said...

Somewhere between "a" and "c". This is the second time I read a blog post from you and discover something about myself that I don't like. :o)

BIG HUG!

Anna
x

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Hi Anna,
I'm a "c"....BOO. Yup, I'm a party girl.

I love reading your site. You probably get this all the time, but I think you're really funny.

Now I've got to polish the plastic silverware that I'm packing for our Memorial Day picnic...

The Retired One said...

LMAO...this was hilarious!
And, I want the hammock...woooo hoooo!

kmoye said...

how long did it take you to come up with that test? It was brilliant! It really helped me decide what kind of vacation to have this year : ) And no ferret is optional.
thanks for the smile

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

The hammock doubling as an IUD is too funny!!

Lynda said...

Summer? In Houston?? No, thanks... give me autumn!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

That hammock thing looks really dangerous...do you think you could get it rolling? I bet my kids could...

Amy Jo said...

Oh, Anna.
I am most proud of my 'b' for No.6. I made regional notebooks for our area. I know.

But when the mini van has a flat tire and the flashlight has rolled into the middle of the highway and that last dinner stop is making a return visit with too-tired-to-open-the-car-door eight year old; I stand ready with my notebook to help.

Kulio said...

Disturbing.

Thank you.

:-)

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

The Goth Camp would be such a bore--I mean who wants to hook rugs that'd be all black? No, I'll take Three Mile Island Ice Teas.

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

That was an ace blog, dude! Really ace! It makes me wanna stick it to the man and crack open a cold one right now! YEAH!

but I don't get off till 5!

Grand Pooba said...

So what if I'm all 4?

It probably means I rock and I'm way too good for this earthly experience.

nikkicrumpet said...

HEHEHE...I answered mostly "D" and I know where you live.....scared much?

CaraBee said...

It seems I'm an A. Good times.

Lisa said...

I am SO ready for summer! I've got my color coded itinerary and snakebite kit!

And now that you've solved the problem of having to replace my IUD next month with that hammock/IUD thingy, I'm ahead of the game!

Thank you.

Mammatalk said...

A lucky condom? Oh, my.

Jennifer P. said...

bravo! I am so a d person. My hooked rugs are lovely though.

Beth said...

Well, in my defense, the honking guy next door was INVITED to the party. What a jerk!

And how did you know about that night?

Maricris Zen Mama said...

AH summer lovin' but I'm not ready for the hot summer days yet! ack! LOL!

Snowbound said...

Great post. Can't decide where I fall in that test. Either way I'm scared. Maybe no vacation this summer.
www.whenpigsfly.squarespace.com

Imogen Lamport said...

I'm just back from 3 weeks in SoCal and need a holiday to get over my holiday!

MuseSwings said...

I'll be by in the morning for my tracking device.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Gosh that's an ugly hammock.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Mary K Brennan said...

I may have mostly "a" answers, but I hardly feel like a Zen Master. Maybe I should invest in that cross bow.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I have 11 more work days until summer break. NO ONE looks forward to summer break than a teacher. I'm just saying.

sherri said...

glad you are back and thanks for featuring that picture of my iud!

Jeanne said...

"...the business end of a longneck...." Now that sounds like summer!

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, Anna, I'm going with "c", like my bra size. That makes it easy, doesn't it? Because summer saps my brain cells with its sweltering heat. I can't even make major decisions in the summer, or I would wind up in Tijuana with an armload of Topo Chicos, juarachis, and maracas and no memory of how I got there. So, "c."

Ruthibelle said...

I might need that tracking device... oh joy... hehe :p

LarryG said...

that hammock thingy is hilarious!
what will they (high end mall store for those that have everything) come up with next :)

Loved the quiz...
have you got one for family reunions? lol