Is It Summer Yet? (Please?)

Let's Go Surfin' NOW!

Yes, it's that time of the month year again, when thoughts turn to sunshine, vacations and lazy afternoons spent in traffic school the backyard hammock with a good buzz book.

That's right - summer is almost upon us and I can't wait!

As many of you know, 2009 has gone down around here about as smoothly as pea gravel pancakes and we're ready to wave bye-bye to spring, no matter how many flushes it takes.

How about you? Not sure? Well, then, take the highly scientific and statistically airtight LJKGW Summer Vacation Aptitude Test for instant results guaranteed to:

• enlighten you on a couple things
• confuse and/or disturb you about a few other things
• delay that thing you don't want to do right now by 5-7 minutes

Okay, then. Those of you not already wearing floaties, put 'em on and let's jump in!



1. Your idea of the perfect summer vacation is:

a. So raging, it leaves you with blurred vision for a week.
b. Setting aside time to organize your closets and pantries and then getting a jump on next year's tax returns.
c. Described in two words: hand sanitizer.
d. Trapping and skinning small animals in rural Oregon and fashioning their pelts into custom harmonica slings.


2. How do you count down the days until summer?

a. By shooting out the neighbor's fence posts - one by one - with your new crossbow.
b. By cranking up the barbershop quartet and practicing your melon-balling 20 minutes per night so you'll be in top form to whip out those jaunty summer salads.
c. You try not to think about it and hope it just goes away.
d. By gradually eating a 15-pound slab of Gorgonzola - one slice each night - until it's all gone.


3. What is your favorite memory from a childhood summer vacation?

a. The time you and your siblings got to stay up all night and listen to the police scanner in the van while your parents were out "visiting" the Hell's Angels they met at the gas station.
b. The triumph of spending a summer at a Wyoming dude ranch without getting a single stain on your white Bermuda shorts.
c. The summer you caught mono and got to stay in your room for three months.
d. Gothic Rug-Hooking Camp in the Catskills.


4. (For those in the workforce) When you finish your last project or task before vacation, you typically:

a. Slip into the cubby under your desk, pop open the ol' cooler, and spend the rest of the afternoon singing your favorite Journey tunes into the business end of a longneck.
b. Scurry to your supervisor's office (preferably bearing a gift) and ask what else you might do to make his/her day more pleasant.
c. Hide in a bathroom stall until the workday is over.
d. Put on shimmering gold MC Hammer pants and strike the massive gong you keep behind your filing cabinet for that very purpose.


5. (For students) When you complete your last final, how do you mark the occasion?

a. If you could remember that, you could probably remember a lot of other stuff, too.
b. By pulling an all-nighter erasing any stray pencil marks you made in your textbooks during the school year.
c. By calling campus security and requesting that an officer escort you back to your dorm.
d. By helping neuter piglets over in the Veterinary Department.


6. What's the one thing you never take a summer vacation without?

a. Your lucky condom.
b. A typed, double-spaced itinerary, color-coded and cross-referenced for AAA ratings.
c. Anti-pickpocket wallet-sling. No, snakebite kit. You want to pick two, don't you?
d. Your ferret.


7. What was your worst summer vacation experience?

a. Trying to party in this motel room in Sioux City while they guy next door kept making weird honking noises and ratting you out to the manager.
b. Let's just say to call that woman a "concierge" was a complete misrepresentation.
c. Trying to get a decent night's sleep in this motel in Sioux City while the degenerates in the next room kept burning "incense" and triggering your asthma.
d. The time the guy in the white Bermuda shorts insulted your ferret.


8. If you could take a trip anywhere in the world, where would you go?

a. Laughlin, Nevada, Baby!
b. Civil War Reenactment Camp.
c. Do I have to go?
d. Three Mile Island.

SCORING YOUR TEST

If you answered mostly "a" - You are a Zen master and will likely outlive the rest of us.

If you answered mostly "b" - Get comfortable with the phrase "table for one." You're going to be using it a lot.

If you answered mostly "c" - ...BOO! [heh, heh] Sorry, couldn't resist.

If you answered mostly "d" - We're going to need to clamp this little tracking device to you. No worries - you won't even know it's there...


Bonus!
New Product Alert!

For your convenience this summer: A freestanding backyard hammock that doubles as an IUD!

What will they think of next...?


Thank you to TexasRed Books for the awesome shout-out!

And thank you to Hammy over at The Blah-Blahs and the Yada-Yadas for this scrappy little number: