Tuesday, October 27, 2009

You've Got Mail!

An Email
to the Principal of
Quark Horizon Elementary


Mrs. Roberta Ogilthorvin
Principal
Quark Horizon Elementary
Santa Monica, California

Dear Mrs. Ogilthorvin,

Thank you for the opportunity to explain the unfortunate exchanges that transpired in your absence at last week’s PTA meeting and to rebut the inflammatory complaints lodged against me by a number of parents and staff in attendance. I know you are eager to resolve this fracas, particularly in light of the fact that Quark Horizon will be making a third run at accreditation next week and the last thing we need is more picketers. (As an aside, I want you to know that you have my full support in this endeavor. I have a feeling this will be our year!)

In the meantime, allow me to address the accusations directly, as the individuals listed below have been copied on this email:

Mrs. Van Hoogan: I am not, as you charged, a “bairn of Lucifer.” I think, when the dust settles, you will agree that arranging the Halloween carnival booths in the shape of a pentagram on the soccer field both reinforces our seasonal theme and provides for ideal party flow. I am, however, willing to shelve my idea for a “Communicate with the Dead” class booth (although, I’m telling you, we would make bank).

Coach Derbin: It’s only the faculty parking lot on weekdays, chief. On the weekends it’s the ideal spot for hosing down my motor home and doing a little light carpentry.

Mrs. Schwab-Wong: You, madam, are a hack and should be relieved of your Auction Chair epaulets and lockable cash box. It’s a dark day indeed in the café-nasi-torium when leadership entertains played ideas like “Pirates” and “Disco” while ignoring the clearly superior concept: a Smokey and the Bandit-themed fundraiser. It’s hardly a surprise that you were struck in the hindquarters by a powdered doughnut hole. Which I did not throw.

Mr. and Mrs. DeVille and others in rows 4 through 6: It’s called braunschweiger and it’s a legitimate luncheon spread. If you’re going to hold these meetings at five o’clock, then I’m obliged to bring my dinner. Furthermore, I can’t believe none of you would loan me a bottle opener after I passed around my bag of pesto pork rinds for sharing.

Monsieur Le McEnroe: I have always had a deep appreciation for the arts, particularly those Christmas angels the kids make from folding up old copies of Reader’s Digest. On the subject of mime, however, I’ll admit I am not what you would call an enthusiast. That being said, there was no personal condemnation implied when I transferred my boy Tarquin from your “Imagine the Imaginary Wind” workshop into Senor Machada’s Jai Lai intensive. I believe true artistes have thicker skins than you have demonstrated. I also believe they wear something other than boxers under their leotards. Something to think about.

Snuffy, School Custodian: Dude, we had a deal. I can’t believe you cheesed me. You’ll never play ocarina in this school district again, I don’t care if your mom is the mayor.

Well, Mrs. Ogilthorvin, I believe that covers it. I know I feel better and I hope you do, too. See you at next month’s meeting and if you find yourself without a bottle opener, hit me up. (I’m going to pitch one in my cooler right now while the idea’s fresh.)

Onward,

Maude “Pepper” Briscoe


P.S. Did you get a flier on your car for my garage sale this weekend? You can tell Mr. O I’m holding a sweet Buster Poindexter album aside for him – Japanese import!


Thank you to Sherrie Petersen of Write About Now for this lovely award! Her blog is fantastic, BTW...


And thank you to everyone who clicked through to my humor essay on MyPheme.com! I really appreciate the comments and support!

31 comments:

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who wants a "connect with the dead" booth...I gotta find out where Grandpaw hid the coffee can stuffed with cash!

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

That's one heck of a PTA meeting!

Haven't been by in ages (I know! I know!). Hope you're well! : )

HappyHourSue said...

Freakin' perfection. How I wish you were at my school. The chaos that would ensue.....

Always Home and Uncool said...

Braunschweiger gets almost as little respect as scrapple.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think I want to hire you to write letters to insane and/or irritating parents of my students.

suZen said...

OMG, I laughed til I cried! This is hysterical! And you know what? It reminds me a few PTA meetings I actually attended! I sure could have used your help in shaking up/waking up a few folks!

mommaof4wife2r said...

i so wish i could write a similar one...and def hit some hind ends with donut holes!!!

Grand Pooba said...

Wow. I just don't know what to say, other than you are the coolest PTA mom ever.

Swirl Girl said...

We decided to hold our PTA meetings at a dive bar this year. Way to weed out the dead weight.

just sayin'.....

The Big Blue Frog said...

I love the word "ocarina."

Thank you.

anymommy said...

I wish that were a real meeting. I would SO have love to attend.

uncouthheathen said...

love it!

that is all.

Suzy said...

I ate so much of that stuff before I was 4 that everyone in the neighborhood called me Suzy Braunschweiger. Somehow I find that sad.

Chase said...

That processed and packaged pile of ____________ (i'll get back to you there) looks delicious!

I'm looking forward to my PTA days ...and roaming LA Garage Sales... Japanese Imported Vinyl! Sold.

Chris Hoke said...

That was a hell of a thing you wrote there. I stand in awe.

Chris Hoke said...

Oh yeah, and Braunschweiger rules.

FRANNIE said...

I completely in favor of the pentagram layout, it would have optimum traffic flow. :)

Frannie

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

Another winner! And I love the thought of passing those pork rinds around! GREAT! ♥

Lea Ann said...

I've been to that PTA meeting. But it was all in Spanish, so I just nodded along. (Substitute Braunschweiger for Menudo)

Solvang Sherrie said...

Ha!

I've been avoiding the PTA this year. They haven't hunted me down yet...

When Pigs Fly said...

Love the part about hosing the RV in the school parking lot. Some people can be so judgmental.

Andy said...

You would make bank doing the Communicate with the Dead booth, especially if you could toss some vampires in the mix. People love vampires now. Maybe have a tarot card reading while vampires suck on kids' necks!

Wait, that doesn't sound good.

Maura said...

"Bairn of Lucifer" - I like that. Showing a little creativity beyond the usual "Spawn of Satan" epithet. Way to go, Mrs. Van Hoogan!!

And don't give in on the Communicate with the Dead booth. I'm thinking most high school teachers might be able to pick up some tips on how to get through to their students.

Pearl said...

THAT, my friend, was the funniest thing I've read today. :-) Thank you.

Pearl

HermanTurnip said...

Heh...with our first child on the way in February (btw, why is "February" spelled that way? 'Tis more than funky and smells of an abstract nefarious plot of some sort), you've brought to light some of the things I'm sure to look forward too in his more formative years. Thanks for ruining the dream... ;-)

sherri said...

import or not, buster poindexter records are indeed sweet. way to crank out serious chucklage, madam.

La Belette Rouge said...

I am worried that the writers of "Glee" are going to come here and take your PTA transcripts and turn them into a hit TV show.

Divine Mrs D said...

This is positively outstanding. What more can I say? Visiting from SITS!

Two Normal Moms said...

I would vote for you for PTA President! That was hilarious!
***Ally

K a b l o o e y said...

Oh man, this post was so funny, I can't hide my jealousy. Too many great lines. I think you should make a Clue ripoff board game with a Quark Horizon Elementary theme. I know I'd buy one. Mrs. Schwab-Wong in the café-nasi-torium with the tainted donut hole? Gaming fun for the whole family, no? You're the best.

jubilee said...

Who said PTA meetings are a bore? Not me. Not now, after reading this post!