An Open Letter To Verizon Wireless

Dear Verizon Wireless,

I am writing to request that you expand the selection of ringtones available for your cellular phones.

Don't get me wrong - I appreciate the breadth and depth of of your current array of choices. Without question, you offer more options than any other wireless carrier to the discerning consumer seeking ringtones by the recording artist Lupe Fiasco.

Allow me to compliment you as well on your astounding inventory of barnyard sounds. Who knew donkeys were so moody...and so vocal about it?

That being said, I must admit that I'm having some difficulty finding a ringtone that expresses my lifestyle while seamlessly integrating into my daily routine.

You see, I rarely "flood the game like a giant in a dwarf's shorts" (as Mr. Fiasco would say), and it's also been a while since I spent the day lazily roaming my back yard, munching grass and braying.

That's simply not, as they say, how I roll.

Therefore, in an effort to help expand your collection of available ringtones, I've made a list of sounds that I believe would be worthy additions and which would meet the needs of others like me who seek their own particular clarion by which to, you know, represent.

Proposed Additions to the Verizon Wireless
Selection of Ringtones

Gas-Powered Leaf Blower

Out-of-Balance Washing Machine

Tween Son's/Daughter's Bedroom Door Slamming

Haunted/Gurgling Powder Room Toilet

Shouts of Inappropriate Parent Coaching from Sidelines

Crinkling of Paper on a Doctor's Exam Table

Deep, Shuddering Sigh of Husband Preparing Tax Returns

Sizzle of Free "Sausage" Samples in Aisle 3

Woman Repeating the Phrase,
"Young man, this room is a sty!"

Chop-Chop of Police Helicopter Overhead

Screech of Unoiled Garage-Door Rollers

Series of Voices Inquiring,
"So, have you written anything I've heard of?"

I hope you find this list of suggestions useful in your efforts to capture the demographic of customers who are living large in their own, you know, medium-sized way.

Toodle Loo,

Anna Lefler


Attention, L.A.-Area Readers

I will be giving away two pairs of tickets to "Parenting Out Loud," a comedic stage show about the hi-jinks and general stickiness of being a parent (which also happens to be a fundraiser for a local school). The show is Sunday, October 2 @ 7:30 pm and you can find all the details here.

The giveaway will happen on my Facebook page on Tuesday, September 20 and you can enter until 7:00 pm Pacific Time.

The show features a fantastic lineup of funny folks including comedian and author Stefanie Wilder-Taylor. It's gonna be a great night!