Monday, October 24, 2011

Calls May Be Monitored...

...For Quality Assurance

As part of our ongoing commitment to customer service here at Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder, we are offering this intrepid [note to self: look up "intrepid" before hitting the publish button and make sure it means what we think it does] questionnaire in order to better meet the unreasonable demands address the ever-changing needs of today's aggressively chic and actively non-average LJKGW reader.

And so, we hope you'll take 35 a few minutes to complete this comprehensive and super-sensitive data-collection instrument that not only was designed by an outside consulting firm that totally gouged us on their bill but also has been guaranteed to soak you for all kinds of information you won't even realize you're divulging.

But enough about science! The bottom line is:

Your Opinion Matters!

Let's get started, shall we?

1. I have been a loyal LJKGW reader...
a. since the day I was born

b. since I was incarcerated

c. for almost 25 minutes

d. define "loyal..."


2. I discovered LJKGW...
a. in my grocer's freezer section

b. while scanning Craigslist for a used roto-tiller

c. hidden in the back of my teen's underwear drawer

d. during a routine self-examination


3. LJKGW is my primary source for...
a. hard-hitting investigative journalism

b. limericks

c. things to do while in Tulsa

d. simple exercises to tone and firm the buttocks


4. I think LJKGW should be published...
a. once a week
b. once a month
c. every hour on the hour
d. sporadically, to keep the element of surprise

5. My favorite thing about LJKGW is that...
a. the posts are exactly the right length for my Segway ride to work
b. it makes me feel...
mighty real
c. I find the wood paneling oddly calming
d. once you pay off the initial membership fee, it's practically free!

6. My least favorite thing about LJKGW is that...
a. the crossword is too hard
b. it's always trying to "be funny"
c. the delivery boy throws it into my rain gutter
d. it often smells like Parmesan

7. In future editions of LJKGW, I would like to see more...
a. Esperanto folk songs
b. quick 'n easy desserts made from Vienna sausage
c. real-life adventures of "Dr." Betty Stanka - Self-Taught Podiatrist
d. guest posts from funnier bloggers

8. I would be interested in submitting a guest column on...
a. "A Relaxed Chicken is a Prolific Chicken"
b. "Overcoming Procrastination" (flexible deadline)
c. "The Ins and Outs of a Healthy Sex Drive"
d. "Poncho!"

9. Which potential Special Edition most appeals to you?
a. Millard Fillmore Exposed!
b. Iambic Pentameter Month
c. Oral Hygiene Essay Contest
d. Lint: The Silent Killer

10. Overall, I would describe LJKGW as...
a. vague
b. misguided
c. insouciant
d. moist

Thank you for your participation in our customer satisfaction survey!

We invite you to submit any additional suggestions or critiques in the specially designed "comment box" below.

In the meantime, you can take comfort in the knowledge that your responses will be logged, tabulated and shredded discussed at great length at the next meeting of the editorial advisory board in Stuckey's the LJKGW Memorial Conference Room.


YOU ARE MY ONLY Launches Tomorrow

The much-anticipated latest from Beth Kephart will be released tomorrow! YOU ARE MY ONLY is a taut psychological thriller that centers on the kidnapping of a young girl and artfully explores the themes of loss, imprisonment and freedom regained.

I've already pre-ordered the crap out of the book Kirkus Reviews calls "Intense and lovely" and Bookalicio.us describes as "A pint-sized powerhouse waiting to be devoured."

I can't wait to dive into this one!

13 comments:

The Empress said...

1. I have been a loyal LJKGW reader...
a. since the day I was born

2. I discovered LJKGW...
After praying the novena for 9 days, spending double time on the biggest beads, asking for some funny people with twisted sense of humors to come into my life.

3. LJKGW is my primary source for...

d. simple exercises to tone and firm the buttocks

4. I think LJKGW should be published...

d. sporadically, to keep the element of surprise and joy of seeing a new post!show up in my reader

5. My favorite thing about LJKGW is that...

b. it makes me feel...mighty real


6. My least favorite thing about LJKGW is that...
the author lives so far away

7. In future editions of LJKGW, I would like to see more...
a. Esperanto folk songs

8. I would be interested in submitting a guest column on...

No guest posts. From no one. Leave LJKGW alone. Thank you

9. Which potential Special Edition most appeals to you?

d. Lint: The Silent Killer

10. Overall, I would describe LJKGW as...

d. moist

Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac said...

Wait, I'm confused...I thought insouciant and moist were the same thing? Guess I'll look that up after intrepid. LJKGW is getting all college on us!

Beth Kephart said...

Wow. I like this post. I like it a lot. Thank you so extremely much, Ms. Lefler.

Now to buy the Segway so that I can complete your survey.

Or. Do you have an extra I can borrow?

Thanks, Anna!!

xo

b

Ann Imig said...

You make me laugh. Unfortunately this takes my brain directly to "I like the Sprite in you."

SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME??

Steve Bailey said...

I just found this blog..... and I also recently had a terrible case of food poisoning... I kinda preferred the food poisoning..... but to be fair it was so close Im gonna follow your blog now anyways. This survey was mad giggly!

Lisa Fox Tognola said...

Vienna sausage! I haven't thought about that since I was a kid. I miss that classy Spam.

sharanjayendra.com said...

okay..at the start i had decided to write answers..but none of them was was serious i guess... so, I would like to answer the first question only, that too, in my own words...

..since i had seen it first time :)

stay connected!!!
its me!!! sharan :)

HermanTurnip said...

When in doubt, the answer is 'c'.

That philosophy has served me well so far. Well...except for my DMV, SAT, and gun license exam.

C said...

the wood paneling IS calming....

K A B L O O E Y said...

Indeed, the wood panelling is nice. What? No mention of the moustache? I want to see more of Moist Millard Fillmore Exposed. (I'm weird like that.) I also love the moustache and the flying saucer and would be willing to start a fan club for them.

When Pigs Fly said...

Per usual, coffee spouting out of my nose from laughter. My only suggestion is post more often.

Got all my copies of your book. Can't wait to give them out as Christmas gifts. My friends will finally get hip.

Mouthy Housewife said...

Pencil me in for Poncho! mid-January. I have a few sheep to shear before I can really get to the meat of the article.

Nancy Davis Kho said...

I find all KINDS of things during those routine self exams, but this was definitely the winner. Please put my subscription on Eternal Auto Renew.