This Just In.

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We interrupt your regularly scheduled porn surfing programming for this breaking news announcement. We now take you live to the LJKGW world headquarters briefing room in downtown Escondido, where a press conference is already in progress...

Anna Lefler: So I said to him, "Hey, why don't you climb up here on the mechanical bull and pull this finger, pal? Then he whips out this tube sock and...Oh, wait. We're on. [ahem] Yes - question in the back?

Reporter: Is it true that you and five fellow humor bloggers have been placed in the agenda for BlogHer '09 this month in Chicago?

AL: Okay, first of all, they're not fellows...they're women. [rolls eyes] And, second of all, it's not in Chicago *snort* - it's in Maui. Yes - question from the gentleman with the mullet.

Reporter #2: Ah, the conference is actually in Chicago. Not Maui.

AL: Oh, as if. [aside to Tiffany the Intern, hand covering mic] What is this crap? You said it was in Maui! Are you friggin' kidding me? Do you have any idea what it's like to wear a vinyl jumpsuit in July? In Chicago!?!

Tiffany: Um, your mic's still hot. They can hear you.

AL: [to crowd] LOVE Chicago. LOVE. Woman in the back with the poodle perm - question?

Reporter #3: With whom will you be appearing?

AL: I'm glad you asked. I'm proud to be on this comedy-writing panel with five esteemed and hilarious colleagues, including (in alphabetical order) Deb from Deb on the Rocks, Jenny from The Bloggess, Jessica from Bernthis, Kelcey from The Mama Bird Diaries and Wendi Aarons from a humor blog conveniently named "Wendi Aarons." All right - let's not all talk at once. Question from the young lady in front with reinforced-toe stockings.

Reporter #4: Yes, can you tell us more about the panel?

AL: Well, things are still a bit fluid on that front, but I can share with you some items from my notes, which I took on our last conference call. Let's see. [paper rustling] Ah, yes. Here they are:

Notes on BlogHer ’09 Comedy-Writing Panel

BIG OPENING!!!

Ozzy or Lynyrd Skynyrd - To Discuss

Wendi and Jessica - Synchronized Swimming
Look into inflatable pool rental

Jenny - Satirical Clog-Dancing
Wants Red Bull and yellow M&Ms only in trailer

Anna - Interpretive Dance
Bring “Funky Cold Medina” cassette

Kelcey - Sammy Davis, Jr. Impersonation
Warm up my Sinatra impersonation for snappy banter

Deb - Parody Songs
Bring my piano from home

BIG FINISH!!! “History of Comedy” Musical Revue
Try to trim down to 2 hours
Jazz hands!!!

Reporter #5: Where will the panel be, exactly?

AL: We've secured space in a top-notch conference facility only 50 minutes from the downtown hotel where BlogHer will be held. As you can see from these photos taken by Tiffany the Intern on her advance scouting trip, our panel is being promoted both at the hotel:



AL: ...and at the off-site meeting location:



AL: It also appears that the city and its outlying districts are bracing for an influx of humor enthusiasts:


AL: Other questions? Gentleman wearing the "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt?

Reporter #6: Yes, can you comment on the trout-related rumors swirling around today's announcement?

AL: [ahem] I will not dignify all this trout hubbub with a response, other than to say that any talk of trout is completely baseless.

I will say, however, that I'd like to thank everyone who voted for our panel - we appreciate your support very much! You can find us on the BlogHer agenda here (scroll down to Saturday afternoon). For more info about BlogHer and the conference, click here. Hope to see you there and thank you again!!




CONGRATULATIONS to Alison at That's A Novel Idea - winner of our NOTHING BUT GHOSTS drawing for a $150 Amazon.com gift card! Whoo-ee! Don't spend it all in one place, Alison! (Oh...um...well, you know what I mean.) And huge thanks to everyone who posted about Beth's new book!

Cool site alert: Have you checked out Scribnia.com? Thanks to @DavidSpinks (on Twitter) for telling me about it...

I Reject the Following on Various Grounds:

Anything that purports to be "spooktacular"
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The same goes for:

• "Yuletastic"


• "Easterlicious"


• "Yom KipPOW!"

Referring to the city of Malibu as "The 'bu"

Ditto on:

• Calling Sacramento "The 'to"


• Calling Oxnard "The 'nard"

Fake blessings from people who obviously hate me
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This might be a California thing, but lately I've run across a number of people of dubious qualification who, upon ending a conversation, place their palms together and say something along the lines of, "I wish you light and laughter on your path" while the radioactive glint in their eyes clearly conveys their vehement desire to visit upon me an immediate IRS audit and chronic, raging irritable bowel syndrome.

What's the bottom line on that, anyway?

Blessings + Hate Vibe = Break Even?

Clothing that is described or advertised as "conceptual"

Any musical piece composed for or performed on a recorder

Including (but not limited to) "Greensleeves."

Any representation of Blue Man Group that exceeds 6 feet in height

The following conversational item and all variations thereof: "So, which route did you take to get here?"

My reaction is pretty much the same as this young lady's.

The way, when you're eating a bag of Funyuns, you can suddenly find yourself sitting bolt upright, peering into the bag and saying, "Wait, do these Funyuns taste like trout? Why do they taste like trout?" And then, after a few more, you convince yourself that they do, in fact, taste slightly more like fake onions than trout. What a relief.

And then you finish the bag.