This Just In.

[Insert Static Here.]

We interrupt your regularly scheduled porn surfing programming for this breaking news announcement. We now take you live to the LJKGW world headquarters briefing room in downtown Escondido, where a press conference is already in progress...

Anna Lefler: So I said to him, "Hey, why don't you climb up here on the mechanical bull and pull this finger, pal? Then he whips out this tube sock and...Oh, wait. We're on. [ahem] Yes - question in the back?

Reporter: Is it true that you and five fellow humor bloggers have been placed in the agenda for BlogHer '09 this month in Chicago?

AL: Okay, first of all, they're not fellows...they're women. [rolls eyes] And, second of all, it's not in Chicago *snort* - it's in Maui. Yes - question from the gentleman with the mullet.

Reporter #2: Ah, the conference is actually in Chicago. Not Maui.

AL: Oh, as if. [aside to Tiffany the Intern, hand covering mic] What is this crap? You said it was in Maui! Are you friggin' kidding me? Do you have any idea what it's like to wear a vinyl jumpsuit in July? In Chicago!?!

Tiffany: Um, your mic's still hot. They can hear you.

AL: [to crowd] LOVE Chicago. LOVE. Woman in the back with the poodle perm - question?

Reporter #3: With whom will you be appearing?

AL: I'm glad you asked. I'm proud to be on this comedy-writing panel with five esteemed and hilarious colleagues, including (in alphabetical order) Deb from Deb on the Rocks, Jenny from The Bloggess, Jessica from Bernthis, Kelcey from The Mama Bird Diaries and Wendi Aarons from a humor blog conveniently named "Wendi Aarons." All right - let's not all talk at once. Question from the young lady in front with reinforced-toe stockings.

Reporter #4: Yes, can you tell us more about the panel?

AL: Well, things are still a bit fluid on that front, but I can share with you some items from my notes, which I took on our last conference call. Let's see. [paper rustling] Ah, yes. Here they are:

Notes on BlogHer ’09 Comedy-Writing Panel

BIG OPENING!!!

Ozzy or Lynyrd Skynyrd - To Discuss

Wendi and Jessica - Synchronized Swimming
Look into inflatable pool rental

Jenny - Satirical Clog-Dancing
Wants Red Bull and yellow M&Ms only in trailer

Anna - Interpretive Dance
Bring “Funky Cold Medina” cassette

Kelcey - Sammy Davis, Jr. Impersonation
Warm up my Sinatra impersonation for snappy banter

Deb - Parody Songs
Bring my piano from home

BIG FINISH!!! “History of Comedy” Musical Revue
Try to trim down to 2 hours
Jazz hands!!!

Reporter #5: Where will the panel be, exactly?

AL: We've secured space in a top-notch conference facility only 50 minutes from the downtown hotel where BlogHer will be held. As you can see from these photos taken by Tiffany the Intern on her advance scouting trip, our panel is being promoted both at the hotel:



AL: ...and at the off-site meeting location:



AL: It also appears that the city and its outlying districts are bracing for an influx of humor enthusiasts:


AL: Other questions? Gentleman wearing the "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt?

Reporter #6: Yes, can you comment on the trout-related rumors swirling around today's announcement?

AL: [ahem] I will not dignify all this trout hubbub with a response, other than to say that any talk of trout is completely baseless.

I will say, however, that I'd like to thank everyone who voted for our panel - we appreciate your support very much! You can find us on the BlogHer agenda here (scroll down to Saturday afternoon). For more info about BlogHer and the conference, click here. Hope to see you there and thank you again!!




CONGRATULATIONS to Alison at That's A Novel Idea - winner of our NOTHING BUT GHOSTS drawing for a $150 Amazon.com gift card! Whoo-ee! Don't spend it all in one place, Alison! (Oh...um...well, you know what I mean.) And huge thanks to everyone who posted about Beth's new book!

Cool site alert: Have you checked out Scribnia.com? Thanks to @DavidSpinks (on Twitter) for telling me about it...

Our Man On The Inside

Well, That Explains Why The Hamper's Always Full

Do you ever wish you could get inside the head of the opposite sex (there are still only two, right?) and see first-hand how they think?

They say everyone has a masculine side and a feminine side. Well, after doing some in-depth research for almost four minutes on Google, I've discovered that science has made great strides in locating these personality aspects within the psyche.

In fact, the technology now exists to isolate our masculine and feminine personas and actually pull them out as separate entities. Naturally, I'm very excited about this, and I'm even more excited to introduce to you my masculine side:

Chet.

Anna: Welcome, Chet.

Chet: Yo.

Anna: I'm so happy to finally meet you. I have so many questions about men!

Chet: Oh, here we go.

Anna: Is something the matter?

Chet: This is what you always do, isn't it? Talk and share, talk and share. If you don't mind my saying so, it's a tad stifling.

Anna: Wait, what?

Chet: Maybe I just want to exist, all right? Maybe I don't want to be "sharing" every moment of the day.

Anna: Did you just air quote me?

Chet: And here comes the feigned outrage. Man, you are so predictable. [shakes head]

Anna: Did Jon Bon Jovi put you up to this?

Chet: Oh, please. Don't drag that poor guy into this. You think it's easy for him? He's not really losing his hearing, you know. He's just sick of you trying out material on him all the time. That's why he pretends all he can hear is the neighbor's dachshund.

Anna: And you can just sense this, can you?

Chet: [examines his nails] A man knows.

Anna: Chet, you're supposed to be on my side. You're an aspect of me, remember?

Chet: You know, your possessive tendencies are more than a little unattractive. Don't even get Jon Bon Jovi started on that. [snorts]

Anna: Are you kidding me? I'm not taking this crap from someone wearing George Michael's old earrings.

Chet: Stop smothering! [gasps, clutches chest] I need some "me" time!

Anna: Is that a mullet?

Chet: I think you're forgetting that I've seen you try on swimsuits in fluorescent-lit dressing rooms.

Anna: [gasps, whispers] We do not speak of that. [sniffles]

Chet: Oh, great. [throws up hands] Here come the waterworks!



Please vote to put me and four very talented humor-blogging colleagues on the agenda for BlogHer 2009! Our panel is titled DYING IS EASY, COMEDY IS HARD and you can go to our voting page by clicking here:


Then, after you've registered with the BlogHer site, just click on the link at the top of the page that reads "I would attend this session." It looks like this:

There's no obligation - you're just voting to put us on the schedule.

Polls close May 1 and every vote makes a huge difference! Thanks SO MUCH for your support! (And thanks to everyone who's already voted!)

Thank you to Tessa at An Aerial Armadillo for the Renee Award. I am truly honored.


Two new blog friends just added to my blogroll: Tim at The Blue Frog Says... and Sarah at Notes from the Toilet Bowl. Thank you for the generous shout-outs!

Thank you to Wendy at On The Front Porch for the Zombie Chicken Award! (That slapping sound is my waddle flopping in appreciation...)

And, lastly, thank you to everyone who passed my mammogram post (below) along to friends or linked to it or shared it on Facebook. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Sniff On That, Ansel Adams

Manual, Schmanual

My new camera arrived today!

Those of you who were within earshot of my garage last weekend will remember that my trusty camera fell out of the back of Jon Bon Jovi's El Camino and endo'd down my driveway with a gut-twisting splatter.

(Let me apologize once again for my colorful language and moderate loss of temper, particularly to my neighbor Mrs. Lingenbottom whose three-year-old granddaughter was playing in the front yard at the time. Little Greta did some hard time in the preschool office on Monday after being overheard commenting to another adorable cherub that if she had to eat one more friggin' fishy cracker she was going to have a friggin' meltdown.

Only she didn't say "friggin'."

As I said: my bad. I think we've all learned a little something from this about self-control, yes?)

Anyway.

I got a new camera! I just busted it out of its box and I've already taken a few shots around the house. Man, this thing is amazing. I'm glad I sprang the extra rocks for the bells and whistles - they make all the difference in the quality of the shots.

I think I may have found a new calling!

Check these out:

A candid of Morticia.

My office. (Only took a couple of tries to get this one.)

The puppies!

Gomez looking pensive.


Sometimes art just happens.


Morticia's flute concert. How about that zoom, huh?


I took this with a special cockapoo-obscuring filter.


Best part: this model comes with a custom setting for shooting in the dark.

Like I said - amazing!

Huge Thanks to everyone who's voted to put our comedy panel "DYING IS EASY - COMEDY IS HARD" on the BlogHer Conference agenda! There's still time to vote if you'd like, as well as see the other programs being proposed...you can do that here. (Scroll down to the post below this one for all the details and the scoop on how to vote.) Thanks again so much for your support!

Breaking News - FeedBurner has restored my missing subscribers! I am so happy to have you back! Thanks for holding my hand through that ordeal, everyone. (Just in time, too, since someone phoned in a tip and they repo'd the Mobile Command Center just this morning.)

And thank you to the wonderful Reddirt Woman for the citrus-fresh Lemonade Award! (I love visiting her blog...)

If You Believe In Life Getting Weirder...

...Clap Your Hands!

She's a cruel mistress, that FeedBurner. She giveth and she taketh away.

Take last night, for example.

I doze off here with my head on the keyboard and fingers clamped around a Dixie cup of Thunderbird, content in the warm and loving bosom of some 462 email subscribers (delightful individuals who - along with my lovely Blogger followers - are my very favorite people out there, all of whom have shiny, manageable hair.)

Come morning, I am assaulted by this heinous discovery:


I choke. I gasp. I cough up that orange TicTac I've been looking for these last three days.

What in the name of Justin Timberlake's jockstrap is going on?!?

I wrack my memory. How did this happen? Where did they go? Did I behave in an untoward manner? Did I (God forbid) attempt that Quiet Riot karaoke song again?

Worse yet [spine gets all tingly]...could foul play be afoot?

I Spring Into Action

I am writing from my mobile command center - a highly advanced and heavily armored van conversion - which is hidden parked behind my garage as a favor to my brother while he sorts out some short-term financial irregularities with a local repossession company.


From this high-tech nerve-center (complete with sound-arresting shag carpet and smoke-bubble surveillance windows shaped like mushrooms), I am coordinating a massive effort to find, secure and, if necessary, rescue my dear subscribers from whatever villainous force has taken control of them. If necessary, I will unleash my powers of feng shui, aromatherapy and our school's earthquake phone tree.

In the meantime, though, I guess I should put my robe on and staple some fliers on power poles around the neighborhood.

[sigh]

Say, if you happen to see any of these dear folks, please tell them I haven't given up - I'll find a way to bring them home.

Because I sure do miss 'em.

[I'll get you, FeedBurner. And your little dog, too.]


In Other News - Let's Talk Comedy!

I was thrilled when the very funny Jessica Bern of Bernthis.com invited me to be a member of a proposed comedy panel at the upcoming BlogHer 2009 conference this summer in Chicago (along with Wendi Aarons, Mamabird Diaries and Christy the Writer).

Now, I've never been to a BlogHer event, but when Jessica said she was paying all my expenses including a complimentary Shiatsu massage in the hotel spa, well, my immediate answer was, "I'm in!"

(At least, I think that's what she said. She was on her iPhone and driving by all those big satellite dishes near the studios and things got a little crunchy. Whatev. I'm going.)

However, in order for us to get on the BlogHer agenda and secure a room for our panel, we need to show the organizers that we can generate an audience for our talk.

That's Where You Come In

If you'd be interested in attending our comedy presentation (whether you can actually make it or not), please give us a quick click so we can accumulate enough votes to get on the agenda.

First, click here: DYING IS EASY, COMEDY IS HARD (that's our snappy title)

Then, just click on the link at the top of the page that reads "I would attend this session." It looks like this:


There's no obligation - you're just voting to put us on the schedule.

Once you click on the link it will read "I would not attend this session." That means your vote has been cast and you're all done! Thank you!

And just to give you a taste of what we've got in store for the presentation, here's our rough outline of topics so far:

• The care and feeding of rubber chickens
• Technology update: scratch 'n sniff hardware delayed yet again
• Who cares what your family thinks? You're damn funny!
• Go on, blog it. Believe me, if it's illegal, you'll hear about it.
• What's up with the stupid mustache glasses hat?
  
• Okay, dying probably is hard. And hardly ever funny. (Just another reason to some to our presentation.)

THANK YOU SO MUCH for voting for us!!!

Whether we get on the agenda or not, I'll be at BlogHer this July and I'm really excited. I'm looking forward to meeting my bloggy friends in person and I hope to see you there! Let me know if you're going!

Thanks again for the support...

And thank you to Panda Mime for this sweet package: