Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Our Man On The Inside

Well, That Explains Why The Hamper's Always Full

Do you ever wish you could get inside the hea
d of the opposite sex (there are still only two, right?) and see first-hand how they think?

They say everyone has a masculine side and a feminine side. Well, after doing some in-depth research for almost four minutes on Google, I've discovered that science has made great strides in locating these personality aspects within the psyche.

In fact, the technology now exists to isolate our
masculine and feminine personas and actually pull them out as separate entities. Naturally, I'm very excited about this, and I'm even more excited to introduce to you my masculine side:

Chet.

Anna: Welcome, Chet.


Chet: Yo.

Anna: I'm so happy to finally meet you. I have so many questions about men!


Chet: Oh, here we go.


Anna: Is something the matter?

Chet: This is what you always do, isn't it? Talk and share, talk and share. If you don't mind my saying so, it's a tad stifling.

Anna: Wait, what?

Chet: Maybe I just want to exist, all right? Maybe I don't want to be "sharing" every moment of the day.

Anna: Did you just
air quote me?

Chet: And here comes the feigned outrage. Man, you are so predictable. [shakes head]


Anna: Did Jon Bon Jovi put you up to this?


Chet: Oh, please. Don't drag that poor guy into this. You think it's easy for him? He's not really losing his hearing, you know. He's just sick of you trying out material on him all the time. That's why he pretends all he can hear is the neighbor's dachshund.

Anna: And you can just sense this, can you?


Chet: [examines his nails] A man knows.

Anna: Chet, you're supposed to be on my side. You're an aspect of me, remember?

Chet: You know, your possessive tendencies are more than a little unattractive. Don't even get Jon Bon Jovi started on that. [snorts]


Anna: Are you kidding me? I'm not taking this crap from someone wearing George Michael's old earrings.


Chet: Stop smothering! [gasps, clutches chest
] I need some "me" time!

Anna: Is that a mullet?


Chet: I think you're forgetting that I've seen you
try on swimsuits in fluorescent-lit dressing rooms.

Anna: [gasps, whispers] We do not speak of that. [sniffles]


Chet: Oh,
great. [throws up hands] Here come the waterworks!



Please vote to put me and four very talented humor-blogging colleagues on the agenda for BlogHer 2009! Our panel is titled DYING IS EASY, COMEDY IS HARD and you can go to our voting page by clicking here:


Then, after you've registered with the BlogHer site, just click on the link at the top of the page that reads "I would a
ttend this session." It looks like this:

There's no obligation - you're just voting to put us on the schedule.

Polls close
May 1 and every vote makes a huge difference! Thanks SO MUCH for your support! (And thanks to everyone who's already voted!)

Thank you to Tessa at An Aerial Armadillo for the Renee Award. I am truly honored.


Two new blog friends just added to my blogroll: Tim at The Blue Frog Says... and Sarah at Notes from the Toilet Bowl. Thank you for the generous shout-outs!

Thank you to Wendy at On The Front Porch for the Zombie Chicken Award! (That slapping sound is my waddle flopping in appreciation...)

And, lastly, thank you to everyone who passed my mammogram post (below) along to friends or linked to it or shared it on Facebook. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

58 comments:

Yaya said...

Love your masculine side! Sounds much like my husband!

Frau said...

Chet is a bastard how dare he throw the bathsuit issues in your face..I bet he has a small penis!

Beth Kephart said...

I don't mean to offend, but I think that perhaps you should keep your male side on the inside...

K said...

I used to work in a nearly entirely male environemnt. I really don't want to know what goes in their minds. I heard what comes out of there mouths when no women are nearby...it's frightening.

Thanks for the post.

blognut said...

I don't think I like this 'Chet' person. He's kinda disrespectful, isn't he? You should have him exorcised.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

What happens in fluorescent-lit dressing rooms should stay in fluorescent-lit dressing rooms.

Tiggy said...

I'm looking forward to seeing the YouTube video fight of you and Chet.

DouglasDyer said...

I would totally hang with Chet. Think he can break free for some bowling Friday?

Queenie said...

you are just HYSTERICALLY FUNNY! thank you so much for this post.

O.G. said...

Both disturbing and accurate. Congratulations

KekeLynn said...

Oh my gosh was that funny!!! Love it!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Chet needs to chill... offer him a beer.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Maura said...

Chet is privy to too much information. I think it best if he is left lurking in the background, scratching himself in some annoying fashion.

And I don't know what to make of all the Jon Bon Jovi talk. I think it's more than enough to have these wacky conversations with your internal masculine side. Why bring yet another Y chromosome into the mix?

Found your blog through HARO. Love it! Keep up the good work!

Swirl Girl said...

haha! flapping your waddle!

(that you even know what a waddle is just cracks me up!!)

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

"Is that a mullet". HA!!

I love reading your blog. It gives me a good shot of laughter just when I need it. : )

Mary K Brennan said...

To be stuck in my husbands brain for just one day. Talk about small spaces. Is it just me or does everyone receive the blank stare? You know, the one where you're looking right into their eyes but you know they're thinking: Football, beer, boobs, etc. etc.

unfinishedrambler said...

I can't believe he'd "air quote" you. Just like men. Ah. Oops.

bb mcclain said...

Just leave Chet alone!

The Retired One said...

Yep. That was my favorite line: "Did you just air quote me?"
LMAOAROF!!!!!

I just want to talk to the OTHER Chet.....

The Retirement Chronicles

Blicky Kitty said...

Don't tell Chet but you're way cuter. He kinda looks like one of those skinny party dudes who scream Woooo for no reason at social gatherings just to prove his testicles have descended.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh geez, I DO NOT want to meet my masculine side!

MommyTime said...

Your masculine side sounds a little bit like a bully. Which is probably how the "bossy" part of my feminine side will go when I explore my masculine side, so I send sympathy to you. To Chet, I say, "pipe down, man."

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

This is such a great post, Anna -- er, I mean Chet, or not. Either of you, listen up. Or down. I loved it.

*mary* said...

Ohhh Chet, my pet... what happens, or is witnessed, in the dressng room STAYS in the damn dressing room, okay?

FrankandMary said...

I usually scan an entry before I read it and if I see both YO and MULLET I move along. Was he slouching insolently also? By not having a TV I don't attract these sorts, and hopefully, one isn't living inside of me. Hmmm. ~Mary

Blasé said...

I've been wondering what you look like without the mustache. You better grow that thing back...quickly! Funny post.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Chet is REALLY scary looking!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Chet is REALLY scary looking!

The Big Blue Frog said...

You know, Chet sounds all tough and masculine, but he looks amazingly like Carson Kressley.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'm not sure I would want to meet my masculine side....maybe you could have Chet check him out first for me.

Jennifer P. said...

My masculine side is responsible for all the burping and farting my body seems to produce...I'm naming him "Tim"--maybe he and Chet can grab a drink sometime and laugh about our pre-menstrual eating habits.

Jeanne said...

After 30 years of working in IT, I sometimes wonder if I have a FEMININE side anymore....

CaraBee said...

Hysterical!

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

wooooah . . . .

sherri said...

I like how your male side is in touch with his female side, and displays this unabashedly by sporting gold hoop earrings. Totally voting for you funny lady, off to do that now.

MuseSwings said...

So that's where the moustach comes from....
Chet, you had me at "Hello".

Bee and Rose said...

Chet has a bit of snarkism going on, doesn't he? I keep my masculine side locked up and once in a while I'll hear some whining, but he's not getting out...no way, no how!

(I am having a HUGE 26 prize giveaway ending on my blog tonight...there are some pretty fab items that might be right up your alley...just sayin....)

Fragrant Liar said...

Chet is a real bastard, isn't he? I think you need to be exorcised, then you will feel free! Free, I tell you. No man inside you is worth the trouble. Of course, you could shoot him, but what good would come of that?

Poetikat said...

From what exactly does the name "Chet" derive anyway?
He/she looks remarkably like James Taylor in a certain light. That must explain his "sensitivity". The Navratilova is a puzzlement.

Kat

My First Kitchen said...

You're great. You AND Chet. And thanks so much for the nominations. Really. That was so sweet.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I never think of myself as having much of a masculine side - but I've gotten really tired of feelings sharing... I think I've worked for too many women - I've OD'd on overly emotional environments. Now when my husband wants to know "what I'm thinking," I want to say that I'm wondering when he became my wife!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Anna-thank you, can't say enough about what it means that YOU nominated me but big shout out and vote redirect back to you on my site. You are the queen! look at your following and your loyal subjects. Thank you for the love.

My Dude Phil said...

We must find this new technology and destroy it. My femanine side is already getting stronger as it is. I watched Sleepless in Seattle twice yesterday. If she is able to be realized, there is no hope for me.

Rhea said...

OMG, that was hilarious. Your masculine side just air quoted you! hahaha

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, man, I gave you the Zombie Chicken award too!

You're welcome.

Mammatalk said...

Sounds like my kinda fella.

La Belette Rouge said...

Your feminine side is so much smarter and better looking.;-)

♥ Braja said...

I'm not sure if we care what they think...

Wait...did I write that?

(whistlin')

Lisa Loo said...

You know--I'm thinking that science has come up with a third alternative and it is Chet. Yikes!

Man that is a JOURNEY trying to vote for you--good thing I really think you are funny!!

Exmoorjane said...

Came via Tessa and have to agree with her description of you. I am possibly one of the most miserable sulky-drawers on the planet and it takes a rare blog to make me laugh out loud and my mouth was definitely twitching....and despite my greatest efforts, I broke into a laugh over the air quotes and I think a chortle escaped too. Lovely lovely stuff. Thank you.

Lori said...

After the mammogram post, I was sure by this title that this was going to be the gyno update. So I actually enjoyed this post more than I thought! :)

A Cuban In London said...

Fun, lighthearted and serious at the same time. But my dear, I'm afraid you got it wrong in the two sexes malarkey. There are not only two.

There's man wanting to release his inner woman, there's woman vocalising her thoughts like man, there's man trying to impress woman impersonating woman dressed as a man, there's also woman claiming what is her right by birth and then forsaking it because she is afraid of what the neighbours will say, there's also man in the pub announcing to all and sundry that he is a man, only to rush back home before 10pm before his wife turns him into a cockroach, there's woman pretending to be delicate whilst holding the whole family together only because man has to pretend still to be axis in the family. The possibilities are endless, the case studies infinite... But just two sexes? No, definitely no :-)

Many thanks.

Greetings from London.

Joyless Prole said...

Chet scars my psyche too much to comment on this post, but I really liked the facebook one. I do think they have some kind of weird image recognition software on these sites now. Kind of scary...where will this fascism end? Next they will be kicking me out of the midde school cheerleader's social clubs just because I am 35.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Us women just can't get a break, can we?

Lee Ryan said...

That interview is impressive. My feminine side will not speak with me; she know's what I'm thinking.

KLo said...

I showed this to my husband, and he was just like, "What? I don't get it." **Sigh**

Kim Hightower said...

I'm with Prefers Her Fantasy Life, the fluorescent-lit dressing room discussions should NEVER happen. And I mean NEVER!

nikkicrumpet said...

Dude....Chet is scaring me.