I fell down a flight of stairs yesterday.
And it wasn't one of those "Whoops!" kind of things where you almost miss a step and grab the handrail and then look around to see if anyone saw. No, it was a full-on Chevy Chase, end-over-end, bounce-off-both-walls, land-in-an-obscure-yoga-pose-with-your-underwear-showing spectacle. The only move I left out was landing face-first in a wedding cake.
There has been a flock of crows in our backyard for a week now.
Seriously, even a junior sorcerer-in-training can tell you what that means: you are in for a supernatural shafting to the 10th power.
Our cockapoo keeps dragging her butt on the rug and growling.
Now do you believe me? Animals can sense this stuff, you know. Obviously, she can see that my aura - usually a sparkly goldish-aqua - has gone all crappy gray and she's trying to warn me of my impending doom. Good girl! [Note to self: make carpet-cleaning appointment.]
I can smell it.
For days now, I've been aware of the lingering scent of Ms. Leisenring, my sixth-grade P.E. teacher and freelance emotional terrorist. By this I mean that I have detected the tang of Hai Karate - her signature scent - in my billiard room, in my grocer's freezer section, even in my Monday-night welding class. If being unable to get the image of her salt-and-pepper bob and cat's-eye glasses out of my mind is not a curse, then I don't know what is.
Other possible evidence.
I received the following message on Twitter this morning:
Yeah, you're right. I'm probably just being paranoid.
74 comments:
You're freekin hilarious. LMAO.
Oh, honey. Do you need me to grab a priest and come by with some holy water? Do we need to perform an exorcism? Or pull out a Ouija board and make a party out of it? Do I need to help kick some Twitter-Ass?
Feel better! Hope you aren't too sore from that fall!
xo - Ki
OMG you are toooo funny!!! The crows could mean something is dead out there. Your dog could be in heat. And if there is a lingering scent on a teacher... maybe you should remind her that there is a shower... somewhere there is a shower... or leave a stick of deodrant somewhere she will find it. Also... you falling down the stairs... hmmm no explaination on that one. And the twitter person is nuts! :) There you go I sloved all your problems! lol
Ms. Ballbricker from Porkeys was your gym teacher?
...and that's why I don't Twitter.
That is hysterical. Or super duper scary. It really depends on how attached you are to life, and to your carpet.
Well the good news is that if you are being hounded by the living dead and other unhallowed creatures then they aren't bothering the rest of us - chin up!
Oh my!
That's all I got. Oh my!
I've got to get me one of those Twitter curses to throw out there! :)
Jeeze Girl! You're a riot!
I'll bring the Tequila (medicinal purposes Ha! snort!) and the shovel (best zombie killing tool there is)
I highly recommend not biting into any shiny red beautiful apples offered to you by the woman seen in that icon. Not a lot of people know this but she's actually a witch, and is trying to poison you. Trust me...I've seen the documentary:" 7 Little People, Big Disney World" or something to that effect.
Breaking News of the Damned:
I just left a comment on a blog and the word verification was "coven."
I kid you not.
First of all, I hope you are okay after your fall down the stairs...Sounds like it hurt!!
Also,The p.e. teacher w/ Hai Karate cracks me up!!
Falling down, weird smells - a brain tumor, maybe?
*in best Governator voice* "It's not a tumah!"
So you spilled that nail polish on your aura huh? Get some acetone and shine that baby back up. Then get a B.B. gun for the birds. I hate birds.
Maybe your books are overdue. My Lab starts chewing on mine when their tardy which only compounds the sin in the eye of our local Toad-Necked Librarian from Hell.
Ah man, thats a rough one homeslice. I say get a good security system, some bird shot and dont get out of bed. Of course I give advice to not get out of bed all the time. Its cause I am long to spend a day in bed doing nothing. Maybe flip through some magazines, nap, get waited on hand and foot... Back to your problem. Convince the birds to move to your neighbors back yard. We could make this fun and watch someone else squirm. Good luck to ya!
I think YOUR life definitely keeps getting weirder :-). And block that Twitterer, STAT.
I do have to agree with you about the cockapoo - butt-dragging dogs are never a good sign of anything.
BTW, you will be very much missed at Sunday's event :-(.
So what part of you did hit the wedding cake?
Damn, that sucks. I hate it when I get cursed...
LOL Hilarious!! Man, you could have really hurt yourself on those stairs - be more careful next time, will ya?! You might break your neck and then where would we go for a good laugh??? =)
no 1 - stairs == gravity, surely you are an apple of someone's eye!
no 2 flock of crows == plant more popcorn next year, you and a whole flock of crows can't all be wrong!
no 3 cockapoo == woof woof woofy wooferson
no 4 smell it == finally the brownies are done and out of the oven!
no 5 paranoia == NOW YOU ARE ON TO SOMETHING!!! (better you than me)
-----
this is so rich with humor - i really love the way you write and think!
This is the funniest thing I've read all day. I did hear that you've been cursed.........:)
Hmmmm.....funny how the description of your PE teacher could fit just about every PE teacher we ever had. Coincidence? I think not!
I don't think you are being paranoid. Consequently, I think we were separated at birth and I have a similar shafting to the same power coming soon.
But have you ever ran from a Canadian goose, in pumps, only to wipe out on wet grass in order for the entire glass side of your work building watch... and send you emails that they "saw your panties today"?
Hope you're okay by the time you read this comment!
I have an eye of knute I can loan you that I use whenever I am cursed. Twitter me and I will send it right over.;-)
You have a billiard room?!
I so need to work on not being poor. :]
It sounds like you need to weld some extra hand-holds to your stair rail. All kidding aside, I'm very impressed with your fortitude and worried for you at the same time. You need a protective amulet or something LOL! Your post is too funny! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog :)
HA HA HA HA! LOL!
okay, here's what you do. go and buy a big white canvas tent like the ones people are always getting married in in (can you use 'in' twice in a row like that in the state of california without a special permit?) Hugh Grant movies, cut up the tent into a big rectangle 10x20 feet, spread it out on top of your carpet, give your cockatoo a big bowl of three kinds of Jell-O all mixed together for dinner, like maybe the yellow Jell-O, plus the red and the green, and wait. when he rubs his butt all over the canvas, call Sotheby's auction house and tell them you have just found an unknown Jackson Pollock painting. i'll take 10% of the selling price as my cut, thanks, babe.
did i say 'cocka-too'? that's because i'm not allowed to say 'poo' or 'pooh' or i'll get in trouble with the estate of A.A. Milne. you can look it up.
Was your underwear clean and tidy? That's all that really matters. And that you're alive. As for the crows, it really depends on how many. I read something about counting crows. Jackie Kennedy used to do that all the time. One number meant certain death, another number meant nothing more than lots of bird poop on your wash line.
The dog butt thing I wouldn't worry about- drop the dog off at the 10 minute oil change for an hour and they'll fix what ever it is. But that teacher thing - that's bad. I'll send my silver cross and voodoo candle set. Stay in bed for the rest of the week.
I hesitate to even leave a message here...for fear the bad mojo will follow me back to my blog and attach itself to me. I already struggle with the whole stair thing...I lose the cadence coming down and once that happens...forget it! I'm pretty sure that wizened old crone that hexed you was sacrificing a goat in our nearby cemetary last night. You might want to crawl into the nearest closet and cover yourself with rubber and fleece!
I'd say you're completely screwed. Start drinking. Now.
What mean f*** sent you the curse?
I'm sorry. But I laughed hysterically at the description of your fall. I'm sorry. You're ok though, right?
a cockapoo draggin it's butt across your rug, now that is an image I will never be able to forget no matter how much I want to and I do. :)
Come on over to my blog; you have an award waiting for you! =)
I am so glad I found your blog today. It's FANSTASTIC!!!
Drop by my place to claim your award!
Swing on over here and have a dip in the Ganges, all curses dissolved, guaranteed. No, really...
:)
Have NO IDEA how I stumbled upon you but glad I did. Now, get on over to mine and pay me some attention, woman...
Yipers, woman! I hope you're taking the necessary precautions (like just hide under your covers for the rest of the year).
And coven? This is some mighty curse you're dealing with!
I had an emotional terrorist PE teacher too. PE teacher hate the fat kids. I think they have to as part of their contract.
Gross visual about your dog wiping his ass on the carpet. Glad I finished my lunch before reading that. I hate when I barf on my keyboard.
I love it! You know what is good for a curse? Tequilla...lots of it...preferably in a pretty glass rimmed with salt...Or even if it doesn't work on the curse, after like 3 or 4 you just won't care! ;)
OH, my. I hear if you were your clothes backwards and inside out and sprinkle yourself with glitter every hour no matter where you are, you can be UNCURSED.
Make sure someone takes photos, ok?
Did you really fall down the stairs? Holy crap, I'm so sorry.
Hope all is well and you're not in a voodoo trance from those crows or anything. If you are, stop over - I have an award for you
No, no, I feel it, smell it, even my Spaniel is dragging his bum around the kitchen floor. This is more than fate that brought our blogs together, or is just that my dog needs worming and I'm a nut case????????
It's Friday - you still here?
And I'm what my husband calls somewhat niave, but did someone really Twitter you that?!
That closes the door for me. I thought that thing was pure evil before - no way now man!
Em
I had a freelance emotional terrorist as a PE teacher, too. His name was Mr. Jones. He used to whip my with his whistle. On my hindparts. Yeeeah. I think I probably would've done the whole press-charges thing if I'd known it would work.
you had me at junior sorcerer-in-training.
are you sure the hai-karate scent isn't your cockapoo's butt juice? (marinka sent me)
Oh, poor little hexed soul! I feel for you but don't come near me, I hear those things can be contagious or something!
Thanks for visiting me, I LOVE your blog, funny, entertaining. Can I come back and visit? Please please please?
OK, this was the funniest thing I have read in a long time...it brought tears to my eyes...the laughing kind, not the whiney kind. You are one talented hexed lady. I wish I had half your wit!
LOL! Hope you didn't hurt yourself...
I have given you yet another award. You are going to need a bigger mantle. Hope this award proves definitively that you are not cursed.
I wouldn't worry. Your cockapoo probably just likes the feel of your carpet on her butt. Now when she does that on your cheeseburg!!!... then you've got problems.
I almost peed that was so funny!! But just to be safe....stay away from k? :-)
you are so funny. I can still remember my 6th grade PE teacher MR.Krebs who we all thought was pregnant. He and his wife had 11 children between them and he was so over weight us 12 year olds thought he might be helping Mrs. Krebs with having some of the kiddies.
I think some well-placed garlic is in order here. I realize that's usually reserved for vampires, but it could work here too.
Have either the 4 horsemen of the apocolypse appeared over the hill?
Has the grim reaper come knocking?
Are you sure you just haven't eaten something dodgy that's given you strange hallucinations and none of this is real?
Obviously you have been doing this forever and so it might not be that special to hear....But I am sooo excited that you are my first follower and my first comment. You have made this blog thing a reality!
THANK YOU!
Now, (not to try to sound tooo stalkerish) I have been reading you the whole time......You are HILIRIOUS!!!
Keep in mind....Margaritas can cure many things!!
Thanks for the well-wishes... although, considering your curse status, not so sure I need your support :)
Seriously-thanks! I and puppy are doing better!
i come back here every day. and each time, i read "i fell down a flight of stairs yesterday." how many times can a girl fall down a flight of stairs??? at least strap a pillow on your ass if this thing is becoming part of your regular routine. i'm getting worried about you...
I wouldn't worry about any threats from CursedYouAre until she UNfollows you. Then, run for the hills, lady!!!
If you are going to fall down the stairs, you might as well do a bang-up job...
get a spotlight and a timer to come on every hour for 15-20 minutes all night long. The birds hate to have their beauty sleep interrupted.
Worm your cockapoo... that's why (usually) they drag their butt on the carpet... unless, of course, it just makes her feel so good it brings out the beast in her... but it you can smell it, it's probably worms.
Burn candles, Girl, Burn candles...anything but citrus scents.
Make an appointment with a good hypnotherapist (I know they must have them in Cal-i-for-ni-a)and have them replace the gray bob and cat's eye glasses with any one of the Chipmunk dancers or Chippendale Chair Guys or whatever they are called. Being an er...uh.. older, respectecled lai-dy, I don't know for sure about those stripped or strippered men dancers with the hot hunky bodies... oh, my, I think I'm having a hot flash. I think I'll call my cell phone now... I just learned how to turn it on to vibrate...
Anyhow I hope I have dispelled your concerns about hexes and your sparkle comes back into your life...
Feel free to not print this dissertation... it was only intended to help and I just got carried away.
Oh, my, my phone is ringing.. I must go now...
Helen
That all does sound a bit troubling.
Oh - marinka sent me.
I'd say watch out for black cats, but those damn crows are probably eating one in your backyard already
Oh that gave me a good belly laugh!
Yuck on your dog, I hate when they go across the floor like that! Specially, when my kids would be crawling after them.
I think we had the same P.E.teacher/"freelance emotional terrorist" because mine also had a salt and pepper bob and cat eyed classes.
As a matter of fact she looked a lot like that witch who sent you the message on Twitter. Do you think that awful message could be from her?
Golly, that witch looks angry...but to be fair, if I had to look at that face in the mirror every morning...well... I don't know what I would do.
I guess putting hexes on people via the internet is the only job opportunity available for a retired "emotional terrorist."
And I don't think you're cursed...because talented and kind people are never cursed. That's what I think anyway, and I think it because I want to.
And you're absolutely hilarious. I'm glad you survived your fall~
Because I want to give you a Quiz Whiz badge for cleverly answering Tuesday's Question on A Nice Place In The Sun.
I think it's the third post on my main page. I've been trying to let everyone who received a badge know, but I was running behind for another deadline.
Thanks for the laugh and congrats on your badge.
Have a happy Sunday~ :))
Cheers~
Annie
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT accept apples or any other too-good-to-be-true snacks from any crones tha may cross your path.
Hey, you might try the Protego protection spell. It worked for Harry Potter.
Also, I'd love to quote you on my blog. Would you email me about it?
So, are your murder of crows gone? Because on Friday morning, there was a strangely high number of them lining our street as I walked my kiddo to the bus stop for school. She even noticed and commented - there were crows perched atop neighboring houses, in the front yards, and a couple on the sidewalk in front of us, all cawing in this creepy, horror-movie type way (think: the avian equivalent of Vincent Price's laugh at the end of Thriller).
I tried to put on a brave front for Kiddo's sake - they were clearly making her nervous, and my kid is a regular Doctor Doolittle, so this was unusual in and of itself. I also was nervous though, because it was SO dang WEIRD.
Flash forward twenty-four hours: Kiddo suddenly develops a raging fever, I rush her to the pediatrician's office where she proceeds to upchuck all over the both of us while awaiting test results (detailed in all the gory glory over on my blog). Mere hours later, *I* am upchucking everything from the shredded wheat I ate for breakfast that morning to the Trick or Treat-sized boxes of Milk Duds I'd inhaled two weeks prior.
So, curse of the crows, or coincidence? Hmmmmmm........
Oh crap! Just stopped by to lend you that lucky rabbit's foot you loaned me after I got kidnapped by really cute male ecoterrorists. Turned out it wasn't a curse.
Anyhoo... the curse must be spreading because I've somehow missed some posts here. I've got to get caught up.
Or you know, maybe it wasn't a curse after all. Maybe a burly officer of the court was just about to serve you papers for your last jaywalking infraction when you slipped and fell. He decided to flee and get the charges dropped after you fell because he feared legal reprisal.
That explains my entire high school experience. I was always falling down stairs (the Chevy Chase way, of course), but instead of a yard full of crows it was a target on my head with pigeons. I swear, how often do you get bulls-eyed by pigeons on a weekly basis? Way weird.
I hope you get your curse lifted soon!
LOL- "Hai Karate"...I thought she wore "Canoe".
Post a Comment