Thursday, December 18, 2008

Brace Yourself, Kid.

Does This Bother Anyone But Me?

It was Barbie who broke the news to me that, unlike her, I would never have a 4-inch waist coupled with a pneumatic double-D bustline and size-nothing, golden lotus feet. Fine. I'm trying to get over it. I personally think that's about as bracing as a toy experience should be, life-lesson wise.

So I was flipping through the FAO Schwarz catalog a few days ago and came across this:


It's called "Food Chain Friends."

Really? Is this what we're doing to the children now?


(As an aside, I think
they're playing pretty fast and loose with the word "friends" considering they're biting each others' bodies in half. I think a downgrade at least to "Food Chain Frenemies" is in order.)

Yeah, yeah, I know that's how the world works, "dog eat dog" and all that. And I know every creature is known by at least one other creature as, simply, "lunch." (With the exception of humans, who are much too clever to end up as anyone's lun--Hey! What's that hot, musky breath on my neck?)

Since when are toys based on Mother N
ature's harsh realities? Don't children absorb enough of life's tough lessons through..um...life?

Here are a few other "reality-preparation" toys I hope not to see on the shelves anytime
ever soon:

"The Hot Flash" Action Figure
Pose "The Hot Flash" in a variety of real-life action positions, including throwing open a window, fanning herself with a restaurant menu and trying to climb into the refrigerator.

Middle-Aged Mort
Meet Mort: he's in a soul-killing job, he's strapped with alimony payments and he could use more fiber in his diet. Plush figure comes with battery-operated "Action Paunch."


"Taxes: The Musical" - Interactive CD

Giving a big, fat piece of the pie to Uncle Sam has never been so
much fun! (Includes extended music video of the smash hit "Hit Me, FICA, One More Time" and six new auditor avatars!)

The Game of Mortality
Draw cards to assemble your family medical history, then spin the dial to calculate your estimated life expectancy. Fun for all ages!


"He Said/She Said" - The High-Stakes Game of Romance
Players take turns racing the clock as they try to decode baffling relationship phrases such as
"I was looking at her but I wasn't looking at her", "Is that what you're wearing to the party?" and "I'm fine. No, really, I'm fine."


Big thanks to Wendy at Wenderful and The Rambler at My Rambling Thoughts for including my silly blog acronyms (from a couple of posts ago) in their wonderful blogs! Thank you so much!

And if you missed MuseSwing's Christmas in Bloggyland Tour earlier this week - good news! It's not too late! You can catch the sleigh here.

84 comments:

Grand Pooba said...

Just wierd!

P.S. I left you some bloggy love over at my place today!

SWC said...

Whatever happened to letting children play with rusty nails, battery acid, and BB guns? These all make great stocking stuffers.

Thanks for following.

Michele said...

Another crack up post! Love it! And, as far as being considered lunch, I know I fed a little, hoppity family of five once after adopting a certain scratchy, itchy kitten. Ugg.

bob marley & lucy liu said...

So I guess it's bad when I tell my 2 year old that mommy will eat him if he doesn't stop kicking the dog? Crapstain.

Michelle said...

Those are Bulimic Barbies pets.

only a movie said...

Spot on accurate. And wicked fun. :-)

Swirl Girl said...

Hysterical!

I guess I need to return the anatomically challenged 'Don't Ask Don't Tell Prop. 8' Ken and Herve dolls I bought for my girls!

Lynda said...

I might need this toy.

doug said...

lol. If you wanted to champion the crusade against unhealthy material for kids, trust me you'd burn out in an hour. Thats how much wrongness there is out there.

You paint a true picture though...expectedly.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Oh Anna, you are hilarious! And that toy is sick. Don't we see enough of that on the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet? :)
Your toys are funny, and I think every menopausal woman might actually appreciate Hot Flash Barbie.
Thanks for cheering me up

Linda said...

O.K. that's just weird.

Lynette said...

Kind of like those weeble wobbles, but umm... you know, creepier.

Katya Elizabeth said...

Thank you so much for the laugh, that really made my day and I'm sending the link to your blog to my aunt, she'll get a kick out of it.

MuseSwings said...

There are certain laughing sounds that I just can't figure out how to spell and I make them all while I'm over here. I myself have ordered the Bloggin' Barbie. She sits at her little pink computer typing comments to her best friends and mooching bloggers. She has a refillable martini glass with teensy weensy green olives and she wears a space diaper so she doesn't miss an update.

Lacey said...

I think the Food Chain Friends are adorable... but I'm strange like that sometimes.

You know what toy I ALWAYS hated, though? The doll... and you gave it water... and then it actually peed. Even as a kid I was like, "Way to ruin my play time with reality, Mom. Give me one reason I should feed that thing. No? Can't? I didn't think so. Now excuse me, Inpector Gadget's on." Seriously.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Well, at least it's the Food Chain Friends and not some sick lack of digestion comment on society like "Fiber Friends" by having them all come out of each other's butt.

Right?

Right?

What? Did I say something gross?

Natalie said...

Holy moly, that toy is totally messing with my gag reflexes...Can't even look at it for more than 3 seconds without having to scroll away in order to keep the 4 chocolate chip cookies...I mean celery sticks...I just ate from revisiting me.

I would purchase everyone of those games. Too funny.

((I'm thinking of marketing "Mega-bail-out Machines" myself. When you buy a cute little foreign model (with great re-sale value, FYI), your credit card gets charged additional monies for the companies making the US models - whether you like it or not! I'm expecting them to be in ALL our stockings next year :) Too soon? lol))

Nicole said...

Wow. Why can't I come up with something that stupid and still make money? Cuz you know their are even more stupid people that have actually bought it!!!! LOL

Chase said...

you made me giggle. :/

Chase said...

(besides that... a kids gotta learn one of these days, right? Where do I reserve my copy of "Game of Mortality"? I'll put it on the shelf next to Rat Race.

Blissful Babe said...

Wot?

Ann's Rants said...

Hit me FICA one more time? Freaking' brilliant, my friend. I always love it when a new post comes from you into my reader :)

Wendy said...

Can you pull them out the other side? That would be rad!

hatton98 said...

I fear I'm careening toward the play-at-home version of Middle Aged Mort.

But if my spare tire ever turns into an 'action paunch', I'm picking up my token and going home. Nobody wants to see that.

Marinka said...

I think it would be better if Food chain friends had actual animals, instead of refugees from "Where The Wild Things Are". And if they came with M&Ms.

Btw, I have an award for you over at my place. (Not my blog, my apartment. Come alone.)

Janna said...

That toy is totally sick. On that note, I totally want one!

flydragon said...

I don't know, I kinda like "The Hot Flash" action figure. I can think of a few older "kids" I could make fun of.

bb mcclain said...

Growing up I played with a bag 'o glass.

The Rambler said...

Yeah, one He said/she said game here please.

I would LOVE to be in the boardroom with some of these "toy" people when they come up with crap like this?

mmmm, could be a funny post for you? :) I wanna join, I wanna join :)

sorry, I'm on coffee crack...must go get more. :)

nikkicrumpet said...

Gee...some toy manufacturer got up on the wrong side of the factory the day that was introduced! I was prepared this time....I cleared all spitable liquids off from my computer desk. Emptied my mouth of all food stuff. Then clicked your link. I'm tired of keeping windex on my desk to clean the screen.

horatio salt said...

um, those Food Chain Friends look kinda like a swinger's party i accidentally walked into the other evening while i was busy singing xmas carols for the neighbors with no pants on. [to clarify: i had my pants on. it was the neighbors who didn't]

Ronnica said...

My question is...if you're going to make something so realistic, why aren't they patterned after real animals (or fish)? They look like monsters! Which, I suppose, isn't entirely inappropriate.

One Hypo said...

Or two Barbies and one Ken and call it "The love triangle" collection.

Michelle said...

What about the "Ken is a Lying, Cheating, No Good Father, Hittin' on my Sister, Fired from His Job, Son-of-a-B*tch, so I'm Divorcing His Ass Barbie?" It's such a hot seller, I can't find it on any store shelves.

Comedy Goddess said...

Barbie: I am so tired of that bitch. But I am with you, those food chain friends are just weird. Your toy ideas however, have real possiblities!

Ma'dame French said...

Too funny they are actually selling that thing? Hmph! Totally weird~~~! And I don't know about you but in my world Fine is simply and acronym for something else I won't say here (lol) French;)

Julia said...

You just need a mountain lion eviscerating a toy doll with the innards coming out and your list would be complete! And I am totally running out to get the toy animals all eating each other. What fun.

jori-o said...

That's a toy a science teacher will buy and display in their classroom to make learning "fun."

Sue said...

You left out the Hot Flash action figures' best feature....blankets off...blankets on...blankets off...blankets on....
Have a great holiday...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Had to come back and tell you how much I love your Christmas banner!

KiKi said...

Does it make me marketable if I have my very own "action paunch"?

Oy. :-P

Braja said...

I'll take a bunch of them Game of Mortality ones for me and my friends.

Oh, and those stuffed toy "friends"??? Sick, man...

Reddirt Woman said...

When I read about The Hot Flash action figure, then read about them throwing open the window, I figured the next line would be she's throwing her hubs out the window. Fooled me on that one.

After Barbie broke the news and belittled you, I figured you would change the Food Chain Friends around with Miss Smarty mouth Babs being chewed up. You are much kinder than I am...

Helen

Tristan! said...

This blog post made my day! On a different branch of the "how we're screwing up children with toys and games" tree, I recently saw a game for Wii that was called "Outdoor Adventure" or something like that where your child could pretend to be outside. as opposed to going outside where he or she might come into contact with some sunshine or something equally horrific.

K said...

I love it.

That is the strangest tou I have ever seen.

Seriously - I have a hard enough time getting my son to eat meat.

Yaya said...

"He Said/She Said" - The High-Stakes Game of Romance
Ha ha! Can I get two for my folks please?

Bulldog said...

I've been working on a game called "poke mohammed" for the wii, but nintendo turned me down saying it was "innapropriate", I don't understand the world anymore.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

So some dude sat in a toy idea room and came up with THAT? oh... we need new toy idea people.

jennifersusan said...

I so need the food chain toy for my kids-- they would get such a kick out it! Okay, so I'm one of those really warped moms who have equally warped children. I would so totally go for the Food Chain Friend, not as a learning tool, but because they already like to take their toys and have them eat other things and having a toy that is supposed to eat it's friend is so much easier. ;p Of course this could all stem from one Christmas when I was 16 and my best friend (who was a college guy) thought it'd be hilarious to give me my present in my garage. He leads me out there with my eyes closed and when I open them I see a stuffed Kermit the Frog hanging by a noose from my garage door. Yep, I was damaged from then on.

HappyHourSue said...

LMAO that last little dude is like"well THIS blows..."

Hilarious post.

Andy said...

I would buy that toy. For myself. Just saying...

LarryG said...

More Hilarity,
Did you hear "Burger King" is offering a fragrance this Christmas for guys, it's called "Flame" and it smells of course, like a Whopper!
lol

michelle said...

I am one of those warped moms.. I showed my 5 & 8 year old girls.. they LOVED it! "Are we getting one of those?" THey beggerd... PLEASE?????

Renee said...

Is the hot-flash action figure named Renee. I think it must be.

Love Renee

Always Home and Uncool said...

I hope my parents still have my old metal Erector sets somewhere. A good slice from a rusty girder is what most kids are missing these days.

The Rambler said...

Me left you something on me blog today...and no. Nothing nasty or itchy :)

The Wife O Riley said...

How about "High Blood Pressure Harry"? It sort of looks like "Mr. Mouth". You take turns feeding him salty, fatty foods, you use the action cards to raise his stress levels until his head actually explodes and red goo goes all over the place.

Wait, you can't use that one, I'm going to get a patent and it will be next year's hottest toy. :)

Smooches!

Yaya said...

You are hilarious!

Sabrae said...

how ugly are those creatures anyway!I would never buy a kid those for fear it would scare them half to death!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think they should invent a psycho mom toy. Maybe her head could blow up when she loses patience. For the more OK with it parent, she could scream out didies like "FUCK ME - GET YOUR ASS MOVING NOW!"

Shan said...

Hmmm, yes important life lessons in kid form. Along with the food chain toy, maybe introduce back stabbing skipper, or maybe unpopular courtney doll-complete with good grades and morals... But hey, if your friends want to feast on eachother, just make sure you are the big guy at the end, he wins big time. Good as always!

Rhea said...

That food chain toy thing is bizarre. Totally bizarre. Might as well have dolls having sex, because kids need to see that too, right?!

yikes.

Dream Girl said...

Irresistably priceless.

That food chain plush is ridiculous. Not to mention, what if you're vegetarian?!

wenderful said...

I like the "He Said, She Said" game the best. Thanks for the shout out!

Shonda Little said...

My kids totally need the food chain dolls. I mean, really, it is never too early to learn that shit.

Blicky Kitty said...

My favorites are still the Slutz dolls. I like that they teach "Girls when you grow up, wear a lot of makeup, be dumb, and dress like a slut." I really should've had that life lesson earlier...

Virtual gift for you under the BK Christmas tree!

You rock!

LL

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Anna, wow this is all tough to swallow.

What you spew out is so great.

I'm trying hard to make this work.


...that's what she said.

Thanks for setting me up.
I'm awful right?

-Self Deprechaun.

ladyfi said...

Very funny! Love the present suggestions! :-)

IB said...

Hilarious post! It has occurred to me that I should be stopping by your blog more often. By the looks of things there are a multitude of ideas I can steal.

IB

My First Kitchen said...

I just don't get how you come up with this stuff. Pure genius.

Sydney said...

Hi Anna -- I loved your picture on At Large In Louisville so I just had to come see who you were and I loved this post. I will be back, and often.

I invite you to scroll thru my blogs -- I have three, and post on one almost every day. A New Yorker in Houston (self explanatory), Adventures in Nature (ditto) and Looky Here -- which usually is a place for misc -- comments on pop culture, verse, and recommendations of great products but since Nov 26th it's been a gift suggestion bonanza -- about 20 posts, since I used to do that for a living along with styling work. I'd love it if you care to visit!

Jamie said...

Haha, that's a funny toy! What will they come up with next? Oh, wait...I saw a doll that birthed a baby and still had the umbilical cord attached...that was pretty funny too :-)

Shonda Little said...

Hey Anna,
I have a question about Humor Bloggers. If you have a chance, will you email me at shondy26@hotmail.com.
Thanks!
Shonda

My Side of the Story! said...

Remember that book "Where the Wild Things Are"?

Take a look at the creature that's the "top" of the food chain...

Now tell me if you'll ever look at that book the same way ever again!

Where's Max?... Oh, I'm afraid, little Max was a little low on the food chain! (burp) LOL!

Great post, as always!

Later Tater

Eudea-Mamia said...

You missed the page with Evolution Solution - You race through the Ages in search of the Missing Link.

Awesome. Thinking about getting if for my obnoxious Born-Again Aunt.

You, my dear, as some kind of funny!!

Em

Caroline said...

That is weird in a cute kind of way! The game of mortality sounds like a blast! Woo! Hoo!

Lizzie said...

weird... i know what i'm getting you for christmas!! food chain friends :) no but really. there is a blog award waiting you at my site :)

bernthis said...

That was brilliant. Seriously, brilliant.

Sadiebug and her Mom said...

I have no idea what has happened to toymakers anymore. At least I didn't grow up with Bratz... that would have put me over the edge. Are there any toys for brainy girls? Like a Natasha the Nobel Prize Winning Scientist? Or Hanna the Harvard Professor? Enjoy your vacation and have a great holiday!

My crazy crazy life said...

Okay, I stumbled on to your blog and I'm cracking up...and I actually like this weirdo toy...my kids would totally get that as a gift and it would be for me! Haaa

RachelW said...

Now my daughter is going to want those food chain friends. Seriously. She is one tuned-in, biologically inclined, non-sentimental, non-squeamish six year old. Yes, there is a market for those things... even if it is a market of one!

josh carrollhach said...

My 5-year-old daughter got these for Christmas. She loves them. They eat lots of other toys as well!

RachelW said...

I spent an hour searching the net for a Canadian distributor... found one, and ordered them for my daughter's birthday. She's gonna love them, and they are gonna love feasting on her smurf collection, buahahahaha!!

Big Blue Frog said...

"The Game of Mortality
Draw cards to assemble your family medical history, then spin the dial to calculate your estimated life expectancy. Fun for all ages!"

My best friend is a mathematician, and he looked into being an actuary. They're the guys who actually do the math for insurance companies to predict when you'll die. He said it was tempting, because life expectancies in the actuarial business are quite good. Apparently actuaries have very low stats for heart attacks, suicides, strokes, etc.