Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
It was the first sentence that came to mind when I woke up this morning. I am considering going under hypnosis to uncover the backstory. I will, naturally, keep you posted.
"The Pumpkin Stays in the Picture"
That's the title of my new post on LA Moms Blog. It's a lighthearted little homage to an old-school Halloween tradition. Here's a clue...see if this rings any bells (or kettle drums):
Phull-On Phresh-Baked Pherocious Foto Phestivity
Okay, so I've been tagged by two bloggy buds (both of them bitchin') for a photo-post deal.
My favorite Crack Mommy over at Blicky Kitty (a truly awesome blog) is demanding that I cough up the fourth photo from my fourth album or she's going to go public with the eleventh photo from the little red vinyl album that I keep in my nightstand.
Meanwhile, Sherry at My Loonyverse (who claims to "suck at meditating") has countered with a stipulation that I hand over the sixth photo in my sixth folder or the ferret gets it. (And, folks, she's just crazy enough to do it.)
Skilled conflict resolution guru that I am, I will now average these two memes. Yessss. (And, to my children who are always saying that they shouldn't have to do math homework because they'll never use math in "real life," I say, "In your faces!")
I give you the fifth photo from my fifth album:
This is a photo from our wedding. (Not really.) This is a photo from quite a few Halloweens ago when I was going to a party with Jon Bon Jovi (not my husband's real name). I call it "Tweedledum and Dummer."
Side note: After convincing the understandably reluctant Jon Bon Jovi to wear the silly costume (using the argument that he wouldn't know anyone there anyway so who cared?), we arrived at the party to find that there were (totally coincidentally) several people from his office there who weren't aware of his, shall we say, whimsical side. All I can say is, it takes a big man to holds his head(s) up high in that kind of situation.
And, while we're on the meme subject, I want to give a big quack to AngieSS over at Cup of Snarky Humor Blog. She also just tagged me for the Seven Quirky Things About Me meme that I answered in my last post.
In an effort to comply with our new low-emissions blog policy here at LJKGW, I am smooshing two memes together to create a...hybrid meme. That's right, I'm tagging the following seven blog buds to either:
- List 7 weird or quirky things about themselves, or
- Post the 5th photo from their 5th album for the whole dang world to see
Haiku for an Un-Zen World (#1)
that which I have suspected -
you pooped on the couch.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
OK, so I know I promised you a dubious compliment at the tail end of the last post, and I was going to relate this whole, long story involving a restaurant host, lumpy Hollandaise sauce and public mocking (of me) by three other women, but I'll condense it into this little morsel of mental taffy for you to chew on:
Is it a compliment for a stranger to mistake you for a celebrity...who is 20 years older than you are?
P.S. It was not a movie or TV star, it was someone in the news media. And, NO, it wasn't Geraldo Rivera...but I see how you got there.
Say It Like You Meme It
The whole meme thing intrigues me. (At first, I misread it as "mime," which is clown-adjacent, and I have some serious issues with those who practice the dark arts of the squirting lapel flower. I can't even look at those teeny little electric cars - you know, the reeeeeally small ones - because I just know that twenty clowns are going to spill out of them at any moment with their flappy shoes and pretend grins, like I don't get enough silly clothes and fake smiles already every morning at Peet's...)
I just got
Hmmm...seven random or weird facts about myself. Here goes:
- I played glockenspiel in our high school marching band. (Explains a lot, yes?)
- My favorite part of fried chicken: the skin.
- In 5th grade, I won a contest writing a song that used only the black piano keys. (Wait, is that racist?)
- When I was around 10 years old, I used to eat a whole can of black olives, then pour the juice into a little glass and drink it while pretending to be James Bond. [Note to self: delete #4 before you publish this post, you big, big freak.]
- I was born without wisdom teeth. (Some would say I could do without the "teeth" in that statement.)
- I detest seafood to the point that I resent aquariums.
- Secret career aspiration: long-haul trucker with a sleeper cab. (Mostly, I just want to have a sleeper cab; driving around with an air horn would be gravy.)
But wait - there's more...
I am honored to have received two variations on the "Kreativ Blogger" award from several new blog buds. This one...
...is from Sanity Check, One Two... and The Wise Young Mommy.
And, for spring, it also comes in this color combo from Two Girls for Mama:
Thanks so much for these!
So the deal here is that the recipient is supposed to list six things they love/value and six things they, well, don't. I'll skip the usual love list of kids and pets and husbands (Woops! That last one is supposed to be singular, isn't it?) and instead share a few more specific everyday dislikes and some offsetting activities to accompany them.
In the end, if I've done my math correctly, no one gets hurt.
- Horrid woman drowning in any of the Liz Taylor "fragrances" who's barking into her cell phone and holding up the grocery checkout line can be cancelled out by the fact that she must endure the audible cheers of those in line behind her when smug, 20-year-old store manager refuses to honor her expired two-for-one coupon on Jimmy Dean sausage patties.
- Buzzkills who, oblivious to all social cues, relentlessly harangue others with their political views can be cancelled out by making them listen in turn to your detailed description of the side-splitting opening scene of "Undercover Brother."
- Parking ticket given by hateful, passive-aggressive meter maid with obvious John Wayne complex can be cancelled out with extended sofa snuggles with beagle puppy. (Awww...)
- Snooty boutique salesgirls who act like you're invisible just because you're wearing cowboy boots and on old Oingo Boingo concert t-shirt can be cancelled out by storing the experience away to be used later when creating a character in a novel who, as it happens, contracts gonorrhea.
- Being addressed by a strange man as "Honey" or "Sweetie" can be cancelled out by addressing him in return as "Shrinky" or "Maude."
- Having to spend an evening in the company of someone who is so arrogant and self-absorbed that they never ask even once what you do can be cancelled out by calling them by the wrong name on the way out and wishing them luck on a fictional project that is not in their field.
Oh, and I went to a pumpkin-carving party Saturday night.
Could I be any more lazy?
Sunday, October 19, 2008
If you give a Ms. a moustache...*
If you give a Ms. a moustache...
She'll want an ice-cold Bud to go with it...
Then she'll adjust her fly and say...
"As long as you've got a Bud handy, how's about some Doritos or somethin'?"
When you give her the snacks, she'll want to try out the recliner...
Once she's comfy, she'll want to know what time it is...
And when you tell her, she'll ask where you keep your remote...
Once she's got the remote, she'll wave you aside because you're blocking the TV...
When you ask how her day was, she'll say, "What channel is SportsCenter?"
And when the SoloFlex commercial comes on, she'll ask to use your phone...
And when you say she doesn't need a SoloFlex, she'll flex and say, "Yeah, you're right..."
Half an hour later, she'll stand and say, "I need to use the can..."
After you point the way, she'll say, "When I get back, how 'bout another cold Bud?"
* (...or a Miss...or a Mrs...)
Moustache-On-A-Stick Contest Results!
Okay, first of all, everyone here at the LJKGW home office was blown away by the response to our little contest, both in quantity and quality of comments. Seriously creative, funny stuff. Thank you for proving once again that LJKGW's team of professionally trained commentors (commentators?) kicks Internet ASS! I'm just going to pause a moment while you all pat yourselves on the back.
All right, great job on the patting. High-five!
I'd also like to thank our esteemed team of judges:
Don't let the wigs fool you - these guys are "D" to the "ULL. "
And here's a new development: since the judges had such a difficult time choosing between the top two 'stache contenders, we are pleased to announce that we will be awarding not one but TWO moustaches-on-sticks! (Nope, still not giving mine away...I managed to get my mitts on a third. You know, "the hair and a spare." *snort*)
And the winners - the folks whose comments made our judges laugh out loud the most - are:
TattooedMiniVanMom who said:
"Ok. Since I am very short I will wear the mustache (I'll have to shave my real one off first so that the one you send will stick. and I don't want mine to get jealous so I'll just kill it.)while wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt, with the top buttons open to show my chest hair in true Tom Selleck fashion, with my leg warmers on my hairy legs cause I wanna be just like you and look up at my sky and yell "Da plane. da plane!!"(that guy had a mustache right?) Then Ricardo Montalban will walk out from my overgrown bushes (pun intended) and we'll smoke a stogie together like I always wanted too. You can come too if you want. But I get a turn at Ricardo first. I don't want your sloppy seconds."
NikkiCrumpet who said:
"I'm thinking that the stache-on-a-stick would be a nice weight counterbalance to the hair on my back. People think I'm trying to stick my boobs out...but the reality is the hair weight is dragging me down. Besides...it would be fun to have people come up and say..."hey what is that curwhibble you have there?" And I could say "look you phlyarologist...don't make me use this stick!!"
We also have six Honorable Mentions who deserve a big shout-out:
The Blue Ridge Gal - for making the most of the humiliation and shame angle
Kiki - for working in both Hall & Oates and Avery Schreiber
Natalie - for rhyming
Melodie - for keeping her husband in line
Heather - for devotion to the lifestyle
The Wife O Riley - for being the only person to point out the 'stache's secondary use as unibrow
Woo-Hoo! Big round of applause and moustache-rustling for all these very deserving winners!
Seriously, there were so many very funny and original comments. If you take a moment to scroll through them, you will find even more gems...
BTW, I found the moustaches at a super-cool little Etsy shop called Something's Hiding in Here. They have an unusual collection of unique, handmade (some might say odd) items that's worth checking out. You know, if you like that kind of thing.
Thanks again to everyone who commented!!!
In Other News
A big, fresh-baked THANK YOU to Don over at Beyond Left Field for laying this little baby on me:
I will, of course, be welding it onto the hood of my car before the weekend's out. Sniff on that, elementary-school meanie mommies! Nyah!
As if breakfast isn't awesome enough, I ran across this tasty item over at A Thorn Among Roses (via SITS):
That's right, it's Van Halen toast! Righteous brunch, dude! Face-melting guitar solo!
Meme Smackdown and a Dubious Compliment
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I see you nodding.
You know where I'm going with this.
Yes, like you, I can be found during these trying times standing under my carport in my leg warmers with hands raised, straining to be heard over the unbalanced washing machine thumping away in the background as a single, plaintive question crosses my lips:
"What would Burt Reynolds do?"
Throughout history, civilization has turned to the wise and moustachioed for inspiration in the disciplines of science, philosophy and the arts.
Only in the last, say, thirty years, however, has civilization come around to appreciating that the true wisdom of the follicular-upper-lipular (I'm pretty sure that's Latin) lies in the more contemporary, more enigmatic disciplines of creative finance, interpersonal relationships and, of course, stunt driving.
Which leads one to ask - what is the source of the moustache's remarkable power? And why should it be available only to those who have the natural ability to grow one (watch it, I'm sensitive about that) or who regularly enter their car by leaping through the T-top while being chased by thugs with no lines of dialogue?
Well, those days are over.
Prepare to wield the power of the 'stache for your own ends - and in the comfort of your own recliner. I give you:
And I mean that quite literally because I am, indeed, giving away a moustache-on-a-stick!
(It's not my personal one, you understand. It's a fresh one, cast in resin from a hand carved mold and stuck on a, um, stick. Hell, no, I didn't make it! I think it's pretty obvious that I have better things to do with my time. Okay, maybe it's not so obvious, but you know, I do stuff.)
Anyone who follows the moustache commodities market will tell you that this is one super-swank piece of blog catnip that will deliver unto its lucky owner both razor-sharp insight and a superhuman ability to burn rubber in any gear.
Of course, you folks will have your own uses for this powerful implement.
And speaking of which: the person who leaves the most entertaining and persuasive comment describing why they want their very own moustache-on-a-stick and/or what they would use it for will receive the one pictured above!
That's right - I will ship it directly to the winner at no cost! (Just to be clear, though, you're on the hook for your own Trans Am and jumpsuit.) As long as your comment is submitted by 3:00 pm Pacific Standard Time on Saturday, October 18, it will be in the running to bring home the 'stache.
So let 'er rip and tell us how you would wield your moustache power and, who knows? Next week at The Red Lobster someone might just tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey, friend, aren't you Burt Reynolds?"
Happens to me all the time...
Good luck and may the 'stache be with you.
AND A HUGE NOTE OF THANKS...
...to all the SITS ladies who took the time to visit and comment here during yesterday's spectacular blogathon! I was overwhelmed by your kindness and enthusiasm and I look forward to visiting and commenting on your blogs ASAP.
(Perhaps at that time you will share with me your secrets to hair with loads of body and manageability. Just a thought.)
Thanks again so much!
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Secret Is In The Sauce BLOGATHON!
Last week I joined an elite society of trained operatives. We masquerade as normal, regular ol' women who are just going about our business (taking care of our families, working, writing, perhaps whipping out a quiche or baby quilt every now and then) and who happen to enjoy an occasional blog post or two. Seems innocent enough, yes?
We work under a veil of secrecy.
Codename: "The Secret Is In The Sauce"
Recruitment into this hallowed league is deceptively simple: one needs only to click on the cute little pink leopard-skin badge over in the right-hand column..over there...lower...no, lower...almost...Oh, for heaven's sakes! It looks like this:
One click will introduce you to a network of blogging women so friendly, so charming, so supportive...that you might think they are mere civilians. You know, nice ladies who write thank-you notes and would not be caught dead wearing white shoes after Labor Day.
But don't make that rookie mistake. Tread with much respect and do not look directly into the LCD glow of their pupils lest you unleash an unearthly torrent of pointy-nointy Ninja stars. [Bwang!] (Those things really smart, BTW.)
Included here for your consideration are links to five of my saucy sisters-in-arms' blogs, along with some [ahem] "post titles" to give you a little taste of what to expect:
Nanny Goats in Panties
"World Peace? I'd settle for covered parking."
Happy Meals & Happy Hour
"Bartending School: What College Recruiters Don't Want Your High Schooler to Know"
American in Norway
"I swear, if one more person asks me if I know ABBA..."
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blog
"I'll tell you what you can do with your tuna-noodle casserole."
Texas Word Tangle
"Parent-teacher what? Oh, I don't THINK so."
Remember, when you visit:
- Don't make any sudden moves.
- Tell them their hair "has loads of body and manageability." (Trust me. Just say it.)
- And, for God's sakes, don't set your sweaty Big Gulp down anywhere without a coaster under it!
Good luck, my friend.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The same goes for:
- "Yom KipPOW!"
- Calling Sacramento "The 'to"
- Calling Oxnard "The 'nard"
This might be a California thing, but lately I've run across a number of people of dubious qualification who, upon ending a conversation, place their palms together and say something along the lines of, "I wish you light and laughter on your path" while the radioactive glint in their eyes clearly conveys their vehement desire to visit upon me an immediate IRS audit and chronic, raging irritable bowel syndrome.
Blessings + Hate Vibe = Break Even?
What's the bottom line on that, anyway?
Clothing that is described or advertised as "conceptual"
Including (but not limited to) "Greensleeves."
Any representation of Blue Man Group that exceeds 6 feet in height
The following conversational item and all variations thereof: "So, which route did you take to get here?"
My reaction is pretty much the same as this young lady's.
The way, when you're eating a bag of Funyuns, you can suddenly find yourself sitting bolt upright, peering into the bag and saying, "Wait, do these Funyuns taste like trout? Why do they taste like trout?" And then, after a few more, you convince yourself that they do, in fact, taste slightly more like fake onions than trout. What a relief.And then you finish the bag.