Thursday, January 1, 2009

Auld Lang WHAT?!?

Party Like It's 1999 2009

Like most of you, we celebrated New Year's Eve in the usual way: flipping channels between coverage of the giant, glittering ball dropping in Times Square and
MacMillan and Wife reruns, eating barbecued yogurt and wearing ornate, traditional crappenhatten - or hand-crafted headpieces fashioned from old copies of "The National Enquirer" and embellished with miniature horses and sugar packets stolen from restaurants throughout 2008.

What can I say? We're old-school.

When I woke this morning to my foot in the fireplace and the gentle, liquid rhythm of our beagle scouring the inside of my ear with his tongue, I was overjoyed. What stronger evidence could I have that 2009 is going to kick cosmic arse?

Right. Now down to business.

Resolutions.

I must become a superior, more aerodynamic and fuel-efficient version of my newly-marked-down-priced-to-move 2008 self. Oh, and with more torque. Tons of torque. [Note to self: find out what torque is.]

It's not gonna be easy, considering how settled I am into the jalopy that is my 2008 self. Nevertheless, I am resolved to do the following:
  • Never allow myself to be caught unawares in a dance-off again. In 2009, I wear leg-warmers at all times and carry my own music. Bring it on, elementary-school moms.
  • Go to professional driving school. (Not because that dorkwad judge told me to, but because it'll be fun.)
  • Try to stop quoting lines from "Blazing Saddles," especially to strangers.
  • Lay off the phrase, "That's total crap!" when volunteering in my daughter's classroom.
  • Learn to cook. [Snixks...BWAHAHAH! Oooh, I'm sorry. *wipes eyes* I never can do that one with a straight face...]
  • Inform children of their sacred Ninja birthright. On second thought - next year.
  • Overcome something.
  • Quit being so judgmental of others, especially the super-lame ones.
Ah, well there you have it. I don't know about you, but I feel like a marginally better person already!

No matter what your reservations resolutions may be - I wish you a happy, healthy, peaceful and, of course, silly 2009!

Hugs all around!


Now Accepting Nominations

The 2009 Bloggie
Awards Competition is now underway! Nominations for the year's best blogs are being accepted here in all sorts of categories, including humor, writing, design, geographic location and many more.

Finalists will be determined in part based on the number of nominations they receive, so if you have a moment and feel inclined
to nominate our little operation here (along with your other favorites), I'd really appreciate it!

The deadline for nominations is Monday, January 12 at 10:00 PM Eastern time.


Thank you!


Also...

Take a moment to stop by Rick's pad over at Organized Doodles. Rick's an amazing cartoonist (and a prince of a fellow) and he's running a contest - you could win one of his "doodles" or even a custom caricature! Good luck!

Thank you to wonderful Florinda at 3 Rs Blog for linking to my silly Christmas Mad Lib!

And thank you to the charming, amazing
MuseSwings for this humdinger:

71 comments:

My First Kitchen said...

I'm a little offended by your number five, but I'm trying to get over it. :)

Alberta and Ava said...

My husband just came in and caught me laughing like a hyena at your resolutions (especially the "cut the crap one"), so he made me read them all out loud to him. I think you will be able to appreciate this little episode. When my sons were at home, I was the epitome of Southern womanhood. It was, however, strictly a testament to my strength of will and dedication as a mother, because cleaning up my act did not come easily. Recently, though, I had to explain the cussing rules to my 15 yr. old nieces because they overheard say the f-word when pumping gas and it splashed in my eye.

Here are the rules:

1. Cusswords are "family" words. What we say at home (or the gas station)stays at home (orthe gas station).

2. Don't cuss around boys, unless it's your Uncle Top.

3. Never let your cousin Andrew hear you use profanity. He's turned into Cotton Mather, in his old age.

3. Don't cuss around your friends' parents.

4. Have the balls to say the real word; don't try to pretty it up with something like "freaking."

4. After you are 40, you can say whatever you want whenever you want.

I don't know if my sister will be approve, but, as the girls hear us cussing like sailors in the kitchen every morning before the sun's even up, I felt the need for some clarification. (Also they threatened to rat me out to my sons).

Feel free to copy, paraphrase, modify, or disregard these rules as needed.

Happy New Year!

Love,
Alberta

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Happy New Year Anna. Thank you for your superb blog, which has made me laugh so much over these last four weeks. I'm so glad I found it in the blogosphere! Looking forward to a great 2009.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Happy New Year Anna! I would like to see your dance off and combine that into a lyrical rap battle w/the PTA moms out there. Maybe a little Elaine Benis with some Eminem action. Bring it hot!

Poetikat said...

My husband only knows a few lines from "Blazing Saddles" (come to think of it, they're not really "lines", per se).

Kat

Yaya said...

OMG-literally LOL!!!

"overcome something"...you are freaking hilarious!! My dog is whining at me right now bc I'm laughing so hard!!

Happy New Year!
Wanna learn some new dance moves for 2009? Here's a toddler that has better rhythm than me!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CU2JhYM8tY

Happy New Year!

The Rambler said...

Your reservation, er I mean resolution list was BRILLIANT! Especially the "total crap" in school. :)

Hoping your New Years is full of foot in fireplaces and dogs licking your ears :)

Jeanne said...

It's perfectly okay to quote Blazing Saddles, even to strangers, but you have to mix it up a little with Monty Python, Caddyshack and The Breakfast Club ("psychotic and sad, but social).

only a movie said...

Ack. Crappenhatten.
Excellent hysterical silliness. Happy New Year, Anna.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You should do New Year's in Hawaii one year. The entire island goes off in fireworks, firecrackers, and illegal eye popping candy. It's pretty amazing.

Happy New Year Anna. Wishing you free tune ups and oil changes whenever the need arises.

dizzblnd said...

Hilarious post! I like the cooking resolution. I also love the mustache touch on the crystal ball

The Archduchess said...

Happy New Year to you too!
I'm quite sure you'll, uh, overcome your aversion to cooking whilst driving around Ninja children.
Good luck with all of those resolutions, and keep being an amazing blog to read, because we all need to keep the world a weirder place (otherwise it's not fun)!

Heather said...

Well, I don't know about you, but my New Year's resolution is to go a' ridin' into town, a' whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. (Except the women folks, of course.)

;)

Happy New Year to you and yours! Here's to us all becoming superior, more aerodynamic, fuel-efficient and higher torqued versions of our 2008 selves. (My 2008 self? A classic car like this: http://tinyurl.com/mycarpic - with the faux wood paneling, of course... I am classy as well as classic...)

Mandy said...

So funny...as usual. :) Happy New year to you!

nikkicrumpet said...

You were one of my favorite parts of 2008...and you're ringing in 2009 nicely! Thanks for the laughs....and I love the mustache on the glitter ball!

Ann's Rants said...

I tagged you again, but please lets not start all of that gracious humility nonsense again. Its one of my resolutions :)

dddiva said...

Okay lmao my kids are in High School (those still in) but dude I still say this is total crap- does this mean I failed as a mom??? Seriously?
I would be more original but the schools here ARE total crap! :P
Okay I am giving myself special dispensation to keep saying this as long as we are in Arkansas because from 2nd grade on my kids had to correct the teachers.
If I move I will make that resolution with you but til then let's just say inbreeding is alive and well and leave it at that.
Happy New Year to you- and keep those laughs coming.

Old Knudsen said...

I am a little envious of the ball dropping in Times Square in Moscow as I'm still waiting for mine to drop. I liked the animatronic Dick Clark it brought a tear to me eye, funnier than Tropic Thunder I tell ya.
Nice ta meet ya being in callyfornia I miss Scottish weemen with facial hair, are ya doing anything later I was thinking a drink or 28 and maybe a bar brawl, its BYOBB (bring yer own broken bottle)

Renee said...

Party like its 1999, yeah right, I'm only a decade late.

Now if only I could get rid of this stomach flu I've had all week, okay let me tell you about it..... Yeah right, I like you too much.

Have a wonderful wonderful new year.

Love Renee

K said...

So I'm a total dork - torque is just force times distance. (also called the moment weirdly enough) So to get more torque - you just have to get farther away from crap (always a good idea) or push harder.

Hope 2009 is great.

Reddirt Woman said...

You musn't quit quoting "Blazing Saddles"... then I might be the only one left to uphold the tradition, Shewiff... And seriously, you becoming a mother superior? Oh, wait a minute... you said becoming superior. How could anyone walk into their child's room without saying "that's a load of crap" is beyond me. Ooops... you meant at the school...

once again, you have hit the gong on the head with your revolutions, revelations and resolutions.

Happy 2009!!!

Helen

Jay Amabile said...

bbq'd yogurt? lol

phd in yogurtry said...

I'm sorry but #4 is total crap!

happy 2009 !! thanks for post after post of laughs.

derfina said...

Note to self-next year, miniature horses for the hats. (we use the NON sugar sweeteners-more colorful packets)

April said...

Those are the type of resolutions I might be able to get behind!
Happy New Year.

doug said...

I have to warn you, its going to be pretty hard not taking shots at the 'super-lame ones'.LOL.

You have no idea how much of a blast you had, I spent the new year catching up on a bit of sleep, watching no TV, reading 'The Screwtape Letters', and guzzling God-knows how many litres of Coke all the while.[sigh] I need to get a life. That's top of the list this year.

Have a splendid New Year Anna, and may all your dreams come true. Err...and may you remember to look up 'Torque'.

Queenie said...

YOU ARE HYSTERICAL! HYSTERICALLY FUNNY, that is!

Julia said...

Happy New Years!

Michelle said...

Oh my goodness........hear is to you continuing to reign as the funniest blogger I know. :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I resolve to lose 30 pounds and to be as awesomely funny as you, and I plan to execute these resolutions in alternating order. No wait! Alphabetical order. I meant alphabetical order.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh you had me at crappenhatten and I had to stop before I pissedmaseatten.

Too freakin' hysterical.

Peace - Rene

Ya gotta say crap. Just be careful around the kiddos. Nothing better than a well said crap.

Vodka Mom said...

That was total crap.


not really, I just felt the need to say it. And you're right, it feels GREAT!!

kwkorpi said...

Superbulously funny.

Thanks for the laughs.

Have a Happy, productively creative blogging, New Year.

musing said...

Cooking is overrated.

Blissful Babe said...

Happy Birth...er..I mean Happy New Year, pumpkin!!!

SWC said...

Happy New Year Baby Girl!

Cleaning out the closet today and found an orginal flashdance sweatshirt and a pair jazz shoes size 8. Both are yours for the taking.

Braja said...

Overcome something? Hey that sounds like something I can do...I think.

wenderful said...

Welcome back. Or maybe it's me that's been gone. Regardless, it's great to be reading you again. Great reservations! I'm procrastinating listing mine. Oops, that was one of my 2008 reservations, to stop procrastinating. Guess that one goes back on my list.
Happy New Year!

The Wife O Riley said...

Wow we spent New Years almost the exact same way!! The only difference is that we fashioned our hats out of the Star Magazine and we used Sweet and Lo packets instead of sugar. What can I say, we're from the Midwest and we're different breed of cat here.

I regards to your resolution about your daugther's class you can always use my motto:

"Screw'em if they can't take a joke!"

You'd be suprised on how often that helps a situation. Especially with the elderly, children, and uptight people.

Happy 2009!

Karen said...

As always, you are hee-larious, Anna. If you're going to cut out the "cut the crap" comments, perhaps you could add Elliot's favorite to your school repartee repetoire: "You'd better/better not__________, or I'm gonna open a can of whoop(whup?)-ass on you." That's a really good one to teach the little guys...

Jamie said...

Again, making me pee my pants with your funny rants! LOVE the resolutions! Glad you are starting the year off right with the dog making out with your ear
;-) HAPPY NEW YEAR funny chick!!

MuseSwings said...

I was RIGHT! I kept saying to the Mister: There's a moustache on that ball! He thought it was a mirage caused by me watching the TV over the tops of my fuzzy slippers. My one and only resolution: Read LJKGW every day. Got a roaring good laugh out of this one! Hugs for the new year!

Andy said...

I'm wondering if barbecued yogurt would be the worst tasting food ever...

Good luck with your resolutions, but I think the Ninja birthright one needs to happen ASAP. There's no time like the present to tell someone how to be super shady and mysterious

Florinda said...

I like your list of resolutions so much I'm linking it in this week's Saturday Review, which will post tomorrow (tomorrow being Saturday and all...). The last one is my favorite.

Happy New Year, Anna!

Janna said...

Happy New Years!
I gave you an award on my blog!

Oh, the Marion Keyes book I was reading was This Charming Man. Good, but not my favorite.

Grand Pooba said...

My resolution, eat a doughnut for breakfast everyday, never go to the gym, and blog 23 hours of the day.

I feel better already.

Michele said...

I knew you'd put a great spin on all this 'turn over a new leaf' crap they sell us every January 1! Tee-hee.

Have a fabulous 2009. I'll be reading!

Hairline Fracture said...

Happy New Year! Thanks for making me laugh with every single post you write!

LarryG said...

what no resolution about "no more silly butt kissing comments on blogs???" lol

hilarious - the humor zone is ON!

Vodka Mom said...

Ana- email me. I have a hysterical link to send you!!!

vodkamom@gmail.com


debbie

Kimberly said...

Is that a 10 gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?

WA said...

Well, Anna, since I ALWAYS wear my legwarmers and glitter headband, if we should ever come face to face at a grocery store where they just so happen to be playing the Muzak version of Laura Brannigan's "Gloria", our Kid 'n Play dance-off is SO on. Consider yourself warned.

Sabrae Carter said...

LOL! Foot in the fireplace huh??? Man wish you would've had a picture of that! I try to stay away and i mean far away from resolutions!

MindyLew said...

I love your resolutions list.LOL
Looking forward to more laughing in 2009.

Rick said...

Thanks - you're a prince - or princess. The facial hair always confuses me.

Beth Kephart said...

I'm a little embarrassed for you, Lefler. I mean. I know you. I understand you. You need a longer resolution list than that!

Mama H said...

OMG you are SOOO funny! I found you through SITS and will be back again... your blog ROCKS!

bb mcclain said...

I'm a fuel ineffecient jalopy and plan to stay that way. The crappenhatten is a good idea. I think I'll try that next year.

VE said...

What in the Wide, wide world of sports are those resolutions??!!

Mine is the same as last year. Live forever. So far, so good...

TattooedMinivanMom said...

My first New Year's reservation is to use the word DORKWAD as much as possible...especially when referring to officers of the court.

Sue said...

Hi Anna....Happy New Year!!! of all people you will appreciate my newest post..."Toddler in the Movies"....stop by and check out Miss Sophie's 2009 calendar and her run for the Oscar....Sue.

AndreaLeigh said...

I'm just stopping by from SITS to say hello. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed week!

Braja said...

I'm still pissed off about the McMillan and Wife reruns: I haven't seen that show since the 70s. I am seriously deprived....

FULL MOON INDUSTRIES said...

stumbled upon your blog found in quite interesting; please stop by when you have some time! all comments are always welcome!
http://fullmoonindustries.blogspot.com/
stay true to what you do~
FMI

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Well, I like your list of resolutions better than any other I have read on the blogs... The others all sound like they are running for Miss America. LOL

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

MuseSwings said...

You may have a few extra people slinking around on your blog - I gave you a semi-shout out yesterday. Hugs!

K said...

So I'm not sure if you are into this stuff, but I gave you an award in my newest post (an A Hoy award).

TC said...

Geesh! only 8?? Resolution wimp! ;~P

WheresMyAngels said...

I've missed your humor. Got to remember to add you to the sidebar this time or it takes me forever to find you on my favorites (cause my husband has a long list of UFO sightings on my list).

At least your not cussing at the gradeschoolers! I don't consider crap a cuss word.

jennifersusan said...

you could use the phrase "c'est le mere'd" in the classroom. (oh i hope i spelled all that right, if not don't tell my mother or i'll be conjugating french for the next 100 years).
happy new year!

Lizzie said...

the mustache ball drop had me laughing so hard :)