Monday, January 26, 2009

I Have GOT To Get A Peephole...

...And Perhaps A Rottweiler

As we all know, in order to operate a blog, one must have a valid blog license. Or, in England, a blog
licence which, now that I look at it, does come across a little more civilized - oops - civilised, yes? [Note to self: pretend to be British until next weekend, preferably someone royal because I could use the jewelry.]

Anyway...what you might not know is that this year the Blog Control Authority had added an interview component to the license-renewal exam. That's right - it's no longer just the usual mail-in scratch-n-sniff test we're all used to (which, let's fa
ce it, is a piece of cake for anyone who has even a passing knowledge of rodent pheromones).

Nope, now they are sending a "real person" to conduct personal interviews using a standardized questionnaire. You heard me - someone is going to ring your doorbell/beat on the trashcan lid hanging by your screen door and ask you a set of questions that you must answer in order to remain a licensed blogger with all the rights and privileges therewith.


My two cents: I think they could at least let a person know when they're coming so's not to bust in on a person's private eyebrow-dyeing, toenail-paring, nosehair-plucking, nether-waxing time for quiet contemplation, you know? I mean, if a person were to do such things.

I'm just sayin'.


So, as a public service to my fellow bloggers (seeing as how they've just implemented this new interview policy and I believe I'm one of the first to be processed), I'm going to share with you here the content of the questionnaire so you'll have a chance to bone up on the questions and you won't be caught unawares like I was and have to think on the fly which - let's face it - is never a good thing.


Note: my interviewer's name was Gilbert and, just to draw a mental picture for you, he was 5'4" and wore chocolate brown Sansabelt slacks, a yellowish-green short-sleeve dress shirt and patent-leather shoes. No socks.


Gilbert:
How long has your blog been in operation?

Me:
About 6 months.

Gilbert:
Any nudity?

Me:
Not on the blog.

Gilbert:
How would you classify your blog?

Me: Well, I guess if I got a real designer to come in and spruce up the banner and put in a professional background it would classify it quite a bit.

Gilbert:
[pauses] No, I mean in what category would you place your blog?

[Hint: watch out for that trick question! I bet he'll try that with you, too!]

Me: Humor. And occasional spiritual guidance.

Gilbert:
Why do you operate your blog?

Me:
Because...um...I can't get anyone else to?

[Hint: That was a toughie. I'd have an answer ready ahead of time for that one.]


Gilbert: If you were to own a vinyl jumpsuit, what color would it be?

Me:
What do you mean, "If?"

[Hint: See! Another trick question!]


Gilbert:
So you do own a vinyl jumpsuit?

Me:
You make it sound like I only have one. Frankly, I resent that.

Gilbert:
Let's move on. How would you characterize your readership?

Me:
My audience consists of folks of all sexes who revel in sophisticated, high-brow entertainment and who never fail to stick their pinkie out super-far, even when drinking straight from the can.

[Hint: You're welcome.]

Gilbert:
I assume you're a member of a bowling league?

Me:
Naturally.

[Hint: Duh!]


Gilbert:
Team name?

Me:
The Pointy Gladiadettes

Gilbert:
What's that smell?

Me:
I'm baking a mock apple pie (no apples needed!). It's an old family recipe handed down from Ritz Cracker box to Ritz Cracker box.

Gilbert: Hmmm. Do you mind if I use your restroom?

Me: That depends. What did you have for dinner last night?

Gilbert:
I tried that new place on the service road out by the airport, Jed's King of Siam #3.

Me: It's broken.


The Latest...

Nate & Courtney over at
Mr. & Mrs. Staley are collecting lapel pins as part of their work for the Special Olympics (what a fantastic cause). If you have any old lapel pins stashed away that you no longer need, please click on over and find out how to donate them for use by this year's athletes.

Thank you to that vixen
Vodka Mom for laying the "Effing Fabulous Blog" award and tag on me! A huge compliment indeed, coming from this broad whom I admire greatly.

And thank you to
The Retired One for tagging me with the "7 Random Things About Me" meme. My responses can be found here.

77 comments:

blognut said...

I'm a first-timer here, but I'm totally in love (in a non-sexual, non-stalker type way), so I'll be back. Marinka sent me over to check out the PMS meme because I was whining about that over on my blog yesterday. I liked everything I saw here - I laughed, I cried, I snatched myself bald and ripped my clothes. Love your blog!

Have a great day!

wenderful said...

I'm first? Wow. I'm currently suffering from CPA. That was awesome, as always!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Thank-you for making sure it goes down that we all stick our pinkies out while drinking (applies also to milk gallons).

Andy said...

Wouldn't it be more fun if you tried this instead: eyebrow-paring, toenail-plucking, nosehair-waxing, nether-dying time...sound fun?

Chase said...

i'm concerned. They don't travel abroad, do they? Would I be better off taking my chances with them, or the IRS? How do they do with stairs? I live on the 4th floor.

Lynda said...

Not sure I would want the personal interview...but it might be fun!

Gladys said...

Do they call ahead so I can whip up a batch of my special mushroom pizza? I mean that would help with the whole interview process.:)

phd in yogurtry said...

No nudity?

Later.

DiPaola Momma said...

Good call. I had my interog..um interview, shortly after yours. Gilbert has him some intestinal fortitude, I tell ya! He can hold it like a retiree in line at the all you can eat 3pm seniors only dinner buffet at the Coper Coral! And let's just say that, well.. thank God I have both a house keeper and a personal vallet on staff!

Lianne said...

I am really enjoying your potty cozy. That is straight-up snazzy. Can you explain why it is we feel the need to keep our potties so comfortable, and in your case, oh-so-stylish?

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

since I guess we're obligated to divulge exactly what kind of love we have for you - I mean blognut started it- after reading this equally hilarious post to the poster child one, I am also in love with you but in the sexual, stalker type of way.

Hope that's cool.

MuseSwings said...

That must have been Gilbert that left the plaid business card on my door this morning at 10:30ish when I was ...well, never mind, Lets just say I was busy. The dogs didn't bark - they were saying OMG don't tell her she might let him in.

Marinka said...

I can't believe that you're giving us all these hints for free!

Swirl Girl said...

hahahahahahahahaha!!!

the mama bird diaries said...

Oh your blog is classifed enough. No need to classify it up some more.

Florinda said...

Thanks for the warning. I have a blogiversary coming up, so I guess it's coming on license-renewal time - at least now I can prep for the interview :-).

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Yeah, I'm thinking I probably wouldn't answer the door.

K said...

I think I'll just let my toddler answer the door. That gotta give them all the answers they need (and a few questions too).

Thanks for the heads up.

The Rambler said...

Per usual....brilliantly funny!

King of New York Hacks said...

First time here, classified as I'll most certainly be back !! Funny stuff !!

jori-o said...

I would plead a broken toilet too. Yikes!

bernthis said...

send him here. I need the company.

jennifersusan said...

Whew! Thanks for the warning and cheat sheet. I'd never have survived this without you. I'm going to be sure to actually wear my vinyl jumpsuit when he visits me.

Cocotte said...

Thanks for stopping by my place....I love Sedaris and Wally Lamb too!

Blicky Kitty said...

Bwaahhh "that depends, what did you have for dinner? " You made me snort the tea I was extending my pinky with, through my nasal passageway. (very elegantly though) Also, I'm following your example and now blogging with an English accent from now on.

The Wii Anna that Cynthia made at Muse Swings has taken on a life of its own in Bloggyland. Of course now that I'm Bri - tish I shant participate in any such rubbish.

I won't write how much your blog rocks today because you're probably getting weary (that's totally English) of it by now.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

You crack me up...

rightonmom said...

I laughed so hard at this! But must say I'm disappointed you didn't mention the actual color of your vinyl jumpsuit.

Mine is, of course, magenta.

Reddirt Woman said...

"How would you classify your blog?" ROTFLMAO...

Lord, you are a fun, funny woman.

And if you are needing jewelry, while it's not the 'family jewels', I've got my 100th post give-away jewelry posted... you might want to come see...

Helen

Ma'dame French said...

I don;t know where you get this stuff but you are one funny gal;) French

LarryG said...

ummmm... you need a sign for the bathroom door, one side "In Use" the other side "I Would NOT go in there!"

:) also no nudity? what? i mean, sometimes i post in the wee hours of the night, certainly no reason to doll up for that!

Beth Kephart said...

You are always my first stop shop for spiritual guidance, Lefler.

Chris said...

LMAO @ your classify q/a!!!!

nikkicrumpet said...

I'm getting kind of bored with all these funny and genius posts...could you mix in something lame now and then....just to soothe my ego?

lizspin said...

My God, do I love a man in Sans-a-belt pants!!!! Do you think Gilbert would release the name of his tailor???

First time here. Love your blog!

Jeanne said...

Thank you so much! I HATE being unprepared for tests!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

What is that, a Raggedy Andy toilet?

I'm so glad Gilbert came over to YOUR place first. Now we all have time to prepare. Should I answer the door naked?

Joanna said...

They make sure to only interview the smart funny people. Glad they picked you. I'm still getting questioned about my FBI crack. I said I couldn't help it - I like yellow.

Beth said...

If Gilbert comes to see me, I'm going to do like my mother-in-law and open the door wearing nothing but panties. That'll teach him.

Nicole said...

LMAO thank you!

The Wife O Riley said...

I don't think that was an interviewer at all! I think it was Slugworth trying to get your recipe for the everlasting gobstopper! Watch OUT!!

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Your posts make me laugh so much I can hardly type a comment!

(Fortunately we don't need blog licenses all the way out here ...)

The Self-Deprechaun said...

So did that Gilbert soil himself then?

Nudity? Yes. Same here.

Somehow I think that's probably more appealing coming from a hot mama like you then me although I have a secret dream of being one of those car sluts who wear teeny bikini's and drape themselves over the cars. With me, you won't even need wax for the cars, I will grease them up with my natural body oils. Anyone, anyone?

Nate & Courtney said...

Thanks for putting me on your blog, I appreciate it LOTS!
-Courtney

bfs ~ "Mimi" said...

ROTFL in HUGE capital letters!!! GREAT!!!!!

unfinishedrambler said...

I'm glad to know about this. My blog review is coming up in April. I was a Boy Scout too. Be prepared. Thanks.

Kasey or Karen said...

LMAO, great blog.
I just added you to my list of interesting blogs on my Do Everything Blog.

Sabrae Carter said...

Nice comebacks on the questions! I'm sure you passed with flying colors! lol And I want to see that vinyl jumpsuit! lol

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Thanks for the heads up. I want pics of the vinyl jumpsuits.

Thanks for visiting my blog and admiring my Louboutin's. I recognized you from Twitter when I clicked over and saw the moustache. Your the only stache I currently follow.

Brenda Jean said...

Dang it, I can't be interviewed in person. I'd have to take a shower, comb and color my hair, maybe even clean the house. NOOOOOOOOOOO...

Oh wait, you said I was sophisticated didn't you? Sure,sure...

squaredonut said...

Okay, Anna, the classify bit had me choking like the time I sucked corn down the wrong pipe. Only I wasn't laughing when I sucked the corn.

Renee said...

totally went coocoo for pinky out when holding a can. and almost lost it when he assumed you bowled in a league. ha ha ha.

Love it. xoxoxo

Renee

TattooedMinivanMom said...

I have to admit, at first I thought your blog title was "I have GOT to get a Pee Hole" That's why I came to read it. Cause that'd be pretty crazy if you DIDN'T have a pee hole. Ya know?

P.S.Can I use your bathroom? It was red hot chili night down at the bowling alley.

Belle said...

Bernthis is such a tart. But I'll have him when she's finished. I'll wear my jumpsuit and feign surprise. Thanks for headsup.

Tessa said...

Jewellery, dahlink - with a double ll.

Anna! Laughter is a smile that bursts. You never fail to make my smiles burst!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I love you. You make me laugh so hard.

Kulio said...

haha....oh that interview was fine. Nice.

MuseSwings said...

Love the turlette! Gotta get me one. I'll look around at ETSY.

There's a missing gem and a reward at my place. You're one of the suspects! Got it? huh? huh?

Real Live Lesbian said...

How'd you know about my cola drinking pinkie out sticking?

Just curious.

And I already have a rottweiler. Just need the peep-hole now.

Poetikat said...

I'm pretty sure I had a blind date with Gilbert back in '91.

Kat

Poetikat said...

I'm not sure why, but when I quickly scanned your book choices, I thought I saw "Art and Fear - Observations on the Penis". What a relief to discover I was wrong.

Kat

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Your toilet looks so, ummm, friendly?

Poetikat said...

I must have been seeing things. Dang that HRT!

Kat

Shonda Little said...

I, too, love penal observations. I kinda wish I was you truthfully.

horatio salt said...

Someday when you're wearing one of your spankin' hot vinyl jumpsuits, gimme a call and I'll come over in one of my leisure suits. Or should I say, seizure suits. They have been known to induce false pregnancies, projectile spewing and erectile dysfunction (not in the wearer, I hasten to add).

Blissful Babe said...

I hate those 'spur-of-the-moment' interviews. I never have my hair quite right.

And now, the *real* reason for my visit...

*ahem*

Anna "The Mustache" Loquita Santa Maria Lefler!!

Your rawk my FACE *OFF*!!!!!!

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

Werd.

The Storialist said...

You are freakin' hilarious. I am cracking up.

Please tell the Blog Official of Blogging (aka Boob) to stop by my place, where I can't make any promises of how forthcoming I will be.

Chaka said...

Very funny post. Thanks for the heads up. I've never seen so many comments on a post before.

DiPaola Momma said...

You've been tagged... not targeted okay, I dodn't work for Strawbucks or the Blog Athority.. want to know what the hell I'm rambling about? Okay maybe not, but just in case.. go here:

http://chickennuggetsofwisdom.blogspot.com/2009/01/bag-tag.html

Maricris said...

He better make sure he comes in suit and armor or my 6'4 husband will be the one answering the door!

Vodka Mom said...

you're fucking welcome.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Classified and Bonafide!

BlackenedBoy said...

Ha, ha, this was really funny. I particularly liked the vinyl jump suit question.

grrl+dog said...

My dog loves you.. he wrote it on my blog when I wasn't looking, and

I so agree with that powdered crap passing itself off as chai. Hasn't anyone been a hippie for god's sake?

Janna said...

Methinks your blog is classified enough for my liking!

Temple said...

Your blog is totally classified! Poor, poor Gilbert...

Pink & Green Mama said...

LOL!!! Sent here by SITS, your blog is hilarious and I've shown teeth several times reading various posts. Happy SITS day!!!

Eudea-Mamia said...

I've been so dragged down by sickness and sick kids, I actually missed four of your posts!?!

No wonder I've felt like I lost something the last two weeks. It was my sense of humor.

Thanks for tending to it for me - I feel refreshed and renewed.

And the next kid that comes near me with a runny nose is getting a round house to the cranium.