Monday, March 2, 2009

Are You Lookin' At Me?

It's Hip to Be Square.

Friday afternoon, I meet my cool new friend Ginger down at the beach for a walk.



Now, you should know this is something I never do - walk at the beach, that is. I'm one of those people who does not take advantage of living in Santa Monica. I know - it's lame - but it never occurs to me to go down there and find a place to park and then play Hacky-Sack or do Tai Chi in my pajamas or roller-skate around with a giant boom-box on my shoulder or whatever it is "beach people" do.

Ginger, on the other hand, jogs on the beach several times a week (and has the gorgeous gams to show for it) and spends lots of time there, relaxing at
beachside cafes, reading and exchanging her crappy, smog-choked urban ions for highly superior beach ions that smell like Coppertone and David Cassidy.

Ginger knows about tides.

She's also a really relaxed, happy person which, naturally, arouses my suspicions. What's that all about, anyway? And does the beach play a role in her laid-back, sunny disposition
? Can anyone upgrade their ions, or is there a waiting list? Are there forms to fill out that require two pieces of identification?

Whatever is going on down at the beach needs investigating, so I lock down the LJKGW nerve center, change out of my vinyl jumpsuit and burn rubber toward the surf.

Things are going pretty smoothly. I find parking in a metered spot and unload half a Ziploc-bag of Canadian coins on the City of Santa Monica. Excellent. I locate the correct little cafe/bike-rental hut and there's Ginger looking very ch
ic and windswept. Fabulous.

So w
e start walking.

I concentrate and try to feel if my ions are getting dry cleaned, but I can't tell. Maybe they sell some kind of meter for that back at the bike shack. I make a note to ask about it at the end of our walk.

After a short while, though, I realize that people are kind of looking at me. Giving me little sideways glances and finger points. And - wait, I saw that - snickering at me!

What gives?

Am I not doing
the beach thing correctly? Is my rookie status that obvious? And then I remember that this is the maiden voyage of my cool new hip-sling-purse-thing that I got at the swap meet.


At least, I thought it was cool. I mean, it holds my stuff right at my hip and leaves my hands free for spontaneous dance-offs and it has a built-in holster for my Swiss Army knife. What could be better? Then again, perhaps form is losing out over function and I just can't see it.

Could it be that rather than looking like a savvy, ready-for-action broad-on-the-go I instead look like someone who wandered away from tending the axe-throwing booth at the Renaissance Faire?

Seriously, what's with the snickering?



New Blog Alert: Sassypants Wifey has just started Care Across the Cities, a blog with a very sweet and positive goal. She explains it better than I can, so click on over and see what's it all about.

And a big, sparkly thank you
to the my lovely friend (and honorary sister) La Belette Rouge for the Sisterhood Award:


I hope she knows that I am now certified to borrow her clothes without asking and then return them weeks later covered with mysterious stains and smelling of fried okra. That's my understanding, anyway.

93 comments:

MammaDucky said...

Is that the new and improved fanny pack? Must be the cool/hip version. I may have to upgrade my old, red leather fanny pack.
I miss SoCal beaches and the freakish beach folk that haunt the place.
I think you looked steller. I'm not sure what I like better, the shirt, the skirt, the bag or the glasses. All winners in my book.

Lynda said...

Nice outfit! lol - the secret to the beach is the sound.

Frau said...

Come on I thought anything goes in Cali!LOL
Please maybe they were German tourist they all stare just because they can. The fanny pack is going strong here in Germany maybe they thought you were one of their own.

Joppa Road said...

I think you look very nice!

Is it 'snickering' or 'sniggering'? Maybe yours is a chocolate version of the same saying or perhaps its different in the USA? Or maybe I have been hearing it wrong all these years. Who knows? But I am sure someone will know.

xxx

Blissful Babe said...

Hey, my memories of So Cal beaches say to me that you should fit in just fine. Really? I don't know why they be a snickerin'. Pfft.

What do they know anyway?

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My daughter and other odd people keep telling me walking with a fanny pack is not cool. Butit holds my stuff and lets my hands be free. I say wear it with gusto!! LA people totally need to get over themselves.

What's an ion?

Mad Texter said...

Oh my! Reminds me of when I was in college when my friends and I made fun fun of all the people wearing belt-bags. Especially when the bags just kept getting bigger and bigger, and looked like saddlebags hanging off the hips.

I was hanging with some friends of mine one day when my sister came to visit. She walked in my room, and dead silence came over everyone. They were mortified, caught between wanting to laugh, but couldn't for fear of offending me, because it was my sister who made the grave fashion faux pas.

My shock instantly turned to laughter swelling up in me so much so that I let go with a gaffaw so loud and earth shaking that I nearly passed gas. Everyone else immediatly burst in laughter.

My sister stood there, perplexed, wondering what the heck we all must have been smoking. I explained to her the predicament that she had brought into the room, and she said without skipping beat - "You think this bag is funny? Why don’t we see just how funny the mace is that I keep inside it!”

Enough said. Touche, Sis.

Keep on keepin' on.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

I love the purse... it's the rest of the outfit that's killing me... LMAO You go girl!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

TattooedMinivanMom said...

I thought that was a swiss army knife I saw sticking out of your ass pack.

I woulda shanked the snickerers with it.

Then came back and ran them over with MY Gremlin.

But hey, that's just me.

♥ Braja said...

I think you looked fine. What's the big deal?

And yeah, people at the beach are always laidback. Take me for instance...a very laidback Aussie gi...

What??

Frank said...

Could it be that your bag just screams that you left 56 cats at home??? Thanks for the Monday funny!!!

Anna said...

Not only does it have a holster for the knife. The knife is there too! Brilliant!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

FYI, my 5 year old son has been running around with my mustache on a stick saying, "I am not a boy, I am a man" in some accent I haven't figured out yet.

HappyHourSue said...

I was going to give you all kinds of 'fanny pack" shit until you said "david cassidy"...and now I'm all swoony.

Before there was edward...or Joe Jonas.....my heart belonged to David. In fact I've warned my husband that if he's ever playing in Philly we're going. he's all: "awesome".

Sassypants Wifey said...

Eeep! Thanks Anna! I feel honored to even be mentioned on your blog, I think I can probably now brag that we are friends, ha ha. They can no longer call me merely a stalker, cant stalk the willing right?! lol the longer I write the creepier I am looking. So thank you from the bottom of my stalkery heart! You are hilarious as always. A million thanks for both!

Beth Kephart said...

Um, Anna. You know how you said you were going to come and visit and we could go out and around here and I'd introduce you to all my friends and we'd be just the two coolest broads on the east coast, ever?...

Well, the thing is? My calendar just got booked.

Ann's Rants said...

Ok I'd pay real american coins for both the bag and the shirt and wear them together, so thanks for mocking my sense of style.

the skirt? Now THAT's hilarious!!

wenderful said...

I think the rule is you can only wear your fanny pack if you've got your t-shirt tucked into your shorts and you accessorize with your black Reebok high-tops and your black scrunchie socks. Am I right???

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I want a shoulder bag/hip holster/fanny pack that looks like THAT!! I think I'm jealous.

I don't think you looked too bad...lol but what do I know i'm a hillbilly...:)

Laoch of Chicago said...

One should never change out of the sacred vinyl jumpsuit.

Mammatalk said...

I thought that was you at the beach last week with the fanny pack. Looks like you upgraded with this little number. Good move. :-)

And, I was terrible when I lived just a mile from the beach at SM.I think if they polled all the beach goers, you would find 95% are tourists. What is it with that?

K said...

God - I wish the fanny pack was socially acceptable. Having all my arms and hands totally free for toddler wrangling would really help.

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, everyone is wrong! That's not a fanny pack at all. That's a pooch pack, for covering a woman's unsightly paunch. A man invented it. He's now divorced, I'm sure. But anyway, anyone who wears an I (heart) Gremlin shirt is okay in my book, pooch pack or not.

Swirl Girl said...

It wasn't the purse that made people look - or the I Heart Gremlin t-shirt...it was the fact that you don't have porn sized boobies that made people do a double take. And, you actually had clothes on. Oh - wait, you were at the beach, not Starbucks. Never mind.

How about that 85 degree weather this past weekend, huh?

derfina said...

*snort* AWESOME!

CDB said...

"roller-skate around with a giant boom-box on my shoulder"; so you can travel back to the 80s in Santa Monica?! Stellar. I'm moving there.

Also because we're under a foot of snow here.

The hip sling thing IS trendy, you're just ahead of the curve.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I think that's a very effective, hunter-gatherer kind of toolbelt - Wonderful - Perhaps you need to market them?!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I want one!

Kathy said...

What could be cooler than David Cassidy, a fanny pack, AND a Swiss Army knife?
Maybe they thought you were Paris Hilton.

Juliet Colors said...

*snicker*

No really, that's an awesome outfit. I LOVE the "purse."

(Full disclosure: In my teens, I never left home without my trusty fanny pack.)

Bee and Rose said...

I love that thing! Perfect for all my old mom crap! (and I could fit a camera in there to shoot photos for my blog!) You're on to something with this. I want to go get my medieval on right now, sister!

Blicky Kitty said...

People are just so weird. Why would they laugh at the hippest outfit ever? Next thing you know folks will be getting flack for wearing their mom jeans and member's only jackets!

Nicole said...

Duh...they are jealous of your style!

WA said...

Oh, I hope you didn't try to later walk down Montana Ave. with that on. Because you would have had soy lattes thrown at you.

Lea Ann said...

Man, and I was just about to order that Buxton Bag off the TV. Thanks for heading off my fashion faux-pas at the pass Anna. Whew!

Justine said...

I really enjoy your humor..no, I really do. After reading this one, however, I'm a bit scared. My daughter just gave me a "hip" purse like yours...My question is..should I be very worried?

nikkicrumpet said...

Actually I think they may have been laughing at the stache....just a thought.

Jane! said...

Do you know how many snowed-in, cold-toed, SADD depressed people you alienated with that one 'I don't walk at the beach' comment? Seriously, to us that sounds just as crazy as 'I'm going to spend my vacation in the movie theatres of Maui.' because we are not just cold we are BITTER!
I really do like that t-shirt, tho!

ZenMom said...

They were jealous of you're fashion sense, obviously. Sex-ay!

blognut said...

I think the outfit is perfect for you... and I wasn't snickering at all when I wrote that.

Imogen Lamport said...

Honey you have a style that I could only dare one day be anywhere near as savvy! I think there is something wrong with those beach people - it's definitely NOT you!

Lisa said...

snicker......as always, great reading xx

Grand Pooba said...

Would you sell me that shirt?

CaraBee said...

I think all those ions exploded on your shirt.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

You should have gone further down the boardwalk to Venice. You'd wouldn't get looked at twice there.

btw, I think it's the sunlight. Perks some of us right up.

rightonmom said...

Wait, I wanted to see your amazing footwear.
Pity those 'beachgoers' what do they know..you rocked in that get up!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I like short walks on the beach and I think you are hot enough to pull off that outfit. Do you wear cutoff jean shorts (jhorts) with that?

Comedy Goddess said...

In my opinion, with a body like that you could wear the proverbial paper bag over your head and get away with it!

The Great Fox Hating Potentate said...

Heh. Ha. Heh ha hahaha! :D

That wasn't cool when I saw it on Eurotrip either. And, just so you know, the closest thing I've seen to a beach in the last 6 months was standing in a field of snow with a defective toboggan; you have an obligation to go to the beach as often as possible.

Grrrrr.

:D

The Wife O Riley said...

I've always imagined David Cassidy smelling like a mix of Pleather, High Karate and Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific.

Beth said...

I have a paraprofessional at my school who dresses like that. Seriously. Plus, she regularly wears a skirt made entirely of ugly ties.

Rumor has it she has an herb garden. Wanna take a couple of guesses at what herbs she grows?

lizspin said...

When was the last time you actually rode in your gremlin????

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

Kinda reminds me of Celtic attire! Kinda scary! (***secretly thinking to myself, is there a dagger in her knee socks?***)I'm really kidding ya!

I'm expecting a VERY clever comment to come my way when you enter my little giveaway celebrating 100 posts.

Come on over!

Lisa said...

That shirt rocks.

Snowbrush said...

I thought the pack looked a bit like a tool pouch, so maybe people were just checking it out because it's unusual rather than putting you down for wearing it. I would look, but then I'm forever checking out that kind of thing because i like fanny packs and so forth.

RobynsOnlineWorld said...

Love the Gremlin shirt! We had one when I was a kid and it was my favorite car - and the best place to sit? Right back in the very back so you could use the spare tire in the trunk as a table to play on and wave to the people behind out the big back window. I was a child of the '70s, no seat belt needed LOL!

jennifersusan said...

Looks like hip beach clothes to me. Then again, I'm an east coast/gulf coast beach attendee so they may do things different on the west coast beaches. Are you sure you were at the beach?

the mama bird diaries said...

That's a fanny pack - right?

Gladys said...

OK that looks like that thing that my hair stylist wears when she cuts my hair. You know the one that holds the 53 pairs of "special" scissors that do different types of cuts to my bangs like the zig zag cut and the thinning cut. Hey that is EXACTLY what that bag is.

midlifeslices said...

What's wrong with a fanny pack, you ask? My husband wears one while snow skiing and I pretend I have no idea who that fanny pack wearing man is and why he keeps calling me "honey".

You are too funny.

WhisperingWriter said...

I like that! That would have been perfect for our Disney trip. Instead I tried to stuff things into my pockets because my husband said he would pretend he didn't know me if I put on a fanny pack. I wonder how he would have felt about your bag? Hrm.

HermanTurnip said...

They're jealous, I tell you. Jealous of your excellent fashion sense.

http://terribleanalogies.com

MuseSwings said...

I don't see what the problem is! I think you look phat. No not fat - I said phat. I would NOT call you fat. I said phat ph as in f, a as in audacious and t as in iced. PHAT.

BTW: A blogadventure awaits! Start packing!

Chase said...

if you ever visit in Taiwan, we'll join the old people in the park and do taichi in our pajamas. And by all means, wear the pack. They'll be pointing at you anyways just because you're white.

Raph G. Neckmann said...

I think that's a great bag! They were probably just envious.

We wear neck-pouches here - sometimes I wear three, all colour coded: one for food, one for keys etc and one for notebook and pens for blog ideas ...

Joanna said...

I guess I'm old school - I like to use my purse as a weapon. Able to launch it at enemies/kids/annoying people/my mother yet still be able to keep my hand on the strap and pull it back after it knocked the person out. I think it's some ninja mom tool.

TC said...

"roller-skate around with a giant boom-box on my shoulder" Are you old enough to actually have seen that in person?? And I really don't believe you wore that Hells Angels pouch in public.

If you subscribed to receive updates from my blog, or if you were following, please resubscribe. I switched templates and I'm afraid followers and subscribers might have lost their connection. Thanks!

Guillaume G. said...

I don't get it, this bag looks great :D I'm sure everyone was staring at its sheer awesomeness.

A holster for Swiss Army Knife? I thought you said it was a beach in Santa Monica, not a beach on Lost's Island : you don't need to build your own tree house there :D

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Is that a moustache bowtie? Awe. Sum.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

From my experience, you would have fit right in at Venice Beach. Remember that next time!

Krëg said...

There's a strong possibility that people were instead causing a stir about your GOLD ELVIS SUNGLASSES. The pocket knife probably didn't help either.

Next time try some Buddy Holly frames with white medical tape around the bridge and a pocket protector.

Anna Liffen said...

Hey Anna! Saw a clip of you on You Tube doing stand-up. The "Your father" comment with air quotes - priceless! Had me laughing out loud, a real belly laugh, the cackling kind. I'm SO going to do that to my child. (Being divorced, it's all that much sweeter). You're my hero. :o) xx

sherri said...

love the shirt. if that's a fanny pack then that's a mighty stylish one.

Jeanne said...

Please tell me you're wearing that outfit at Blogher (and then get VM or Marinka to take pictures).

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I have no idea, I think you look rather fetching in that outfit.

bb mcclain said...

Surely you had that t-shirt made. I can't believe that you could find that in a store anywhere in the continental United States.

anymommy said...

Nonsense. You look adorable..bly insane? I'm kidding. Ignore them. Beaches are good for the soul.

Belle said...

You are such a fashionista! You are lost on the Santa Monica crowd. Move to New York.

Renee said...

Thank you Madam for the best laugh I have had in ages. From the Canadian coins to the outfit. Fuck, honestly you are the absolute best and I love you.

Renee xoxoxo

Aubrey said...

I heard they are making a comeback and are the IT thing for this fall. LOL Ok, maybe not!

Bar-b said...

I have no idea what they could be snickering about. You love your gremlin. So? Your fanny pack as you call it is cute, and compact. Smart and sassy if you ask me.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Holy Meatloaf!! Ginger didn't tell you?? No you save that purse for the National Conan the Barbarian Fan Club convention!!

I to am a fan of being able to carry my leatherman around..you know..in case a boulder rolls onto my arem and I have to cut it off.

BTW- I made a music video..and you have a CAMEO in it!! Go check it out on my blog.

Vodka Mom said...

I say we get matching Gremlin shirt and wear them to blogger. Only my Gremlin will look like a stretch LIMO.


god-dammit.

Mary K Brennan said...

I prefer the fanny pack to the Paris Hilton 2 ton bowling bag. I feel I have a fighting chance against possible muggers.
P.S.- Stop by my blog when you get a chance. I have an award for you.

Deb said...

don't get me wrong... i personally love the look. i am wondering if it would be less conspicuous to wear it slug across your body (shoulder to waist), instead of fanny-pak style?

and anyway, i love getting sideways glances, followed by snickery whispers... and you know they'd end up voting for you in the dance-off

Brenda Jean said...

I personally like the pack, really, I'm not just saying that. Do you think it was your funky t-shirt they were snickering at? It might be, because that is one cool
fanny pack. Or maybe they were just jealous!

Kulio said...

That look is SO I-don't-know-what-year.

It's you, baby.

Who is named Ginger? Seriously?
I mean, apart from on Gilligan's Island?

Shonda Little said...

I hate the lake, so I get I would really hate the ocean. All that fucking sand rubs my skin and the sun burns me and I just don't like it.
The Gremlins shirt rocks, by the way!

ella said...

I think its functional and cute and if people don't like it, well--fuck 'em.
And I too luuuurve David Cassidy, so that alone would forgive a multitude of fashion sins.

Snowbrush said...

"...if people don't like it, well--fuck 'em."

But if you do that with people who give you a hard time, what do you do with people who you like?!

Lizzie said...

oh my god, i love this post! that shirt is classic! lady you too funny for words :)

jubilee said...

LOL

A true friend would have told you what was wrong with the outfit. Or maybe a true friend would ignore eccentricities and just go with it. I can't decide.

At any rate, it was the sunglasses paired with that skirt, honey. Not the uber-cool biker mama bag. BG

Counselormama said...

If anyone snickers again, just tell them not to hate! I could use a bag like that, as Justin is always "accidently" running into me at the club...any excuse for a dance off!