Welcome To Hell. Here's Your Hot Glue Gun.

Is It Spring Break Yet?

Ah, spring. The bulbs are blossoming. The birds are tweeting.

The school projects are festering.

Yes, this is the time of year when teachers assign parents students those full-bore, hail Mary, multi-dimensional projects that drive parents to homicide drink the crafts store [shudder]. Like the mythical Hydra, a beast who grew two new heads each time Hercules cut off one, these projects regenerate overnight, refusing to be beaten back until they have consumed your afternoons...your weekends...your very soul.

Think you're done? Ha - think again! Sure, the presentation board is finished, but what about the costume? The oral report? The collage? The epic poem? The interpretive dance?

Done? Foolish mortal! [Insert maniacal laughter.]


Are You Sure Evil Knievel Wasn't On The List?

Take Morticia, for instance. In her fourth grade class, they're doing reports on influential Californians and students were given a three-page list of people from which to choose. (There are all kinds of names running through your mind now, right? Like Minnie Mouse and Ryan Seacrest?)

After much angst and rending of clothing, she chose this person:


(I totally agree - she does look shifty.)

That's Mary See, of See's candy fame. Mary See who was born in (and died in) Canada.

Ahem.

Okay, so we're playing fast and loose with the term "Californian." Awesome. If that's the case, let's think outside the (candy) box here and take a look at the ol' map. It looks to me like Butte, Montana is closer to California than Canada is. Butte, Montana happens to be the birthplace of Evil Knievel...ergo...please tell me you get to dress up like your influential Californian because how cool would that be?!?

Top 3 Reasons Evil Knievel Is Cooler Than Mary See

1. Flared leather pants beat white shawl every time.
2. Mary See has completed no known canyon or school-bus jumps.
3. There is no biopic about Mary See starring George Hamilton.

BTW, Evil's real name is Robert, so if you have a child named "Robert," do them a favor and upgrade their nickname asap. They'll thank you for it later when they're in the Guinness Book of World Records.


Meanwhile, In Third Grade...

Gomez and all the other third-grade ankle-biters are immersed in a huge headache endeavor called "The City Project."

Basically, each classroom becomes its own city, complete with businesses, a government and a highly unstable economy. No bureaucratic stone is left unturned in this deal, including the requirement to file a business plan for city council review before opening your storefront.

[Side note: the town is so realistic that the Environmental Compliance Officer recently was voted out of his position for abusing his power and giving out too many citations. Okay, full disclosure: it was Gomez. That's my boy!]

And, yes, every child has a store that sells actual things. Things the parents children must think up. And things the parents children must manufacture. And then they sell them to other students. Did I mention it all must come in within budget?

For example, each store must have on-hand roughly a zillion little identical products and the total cost of producing these little products must not exceed, oh, say...eight bucks. Piece of cake!

Here's what Gomez is selling in his little store:


Behold the "Marble Buddy." We know he's got foam feet and pipe-cleaner antennae. Beyond that, he's an enigma.

Now, aside from building the storefront for this enterprise, we're also cranking out the inventory and, let me tell you, Kathie Lee Gifford's got nothing on me in the sweatshop department. It's never too early to learn the exquisite joy of repetitive assembly, yes?

It's like we always say around the kitchen table:

"Break's over, slackers! These orders aren't going to fill themselves!"


My buddy Florinda - who runs one of the best book blogs around - is collecting votes for her BlogHer Room of Your Own proposal entitled "So Many Books, So Little Time." If you'd be interested in attending or co-presenting with her, please check out the details and vote here. (There's no attendance commitment when you vote, BTW, they're just getting a feel for which proposals will generate the most interest on the agenda.) Thank you!

And I have to give a big shout-out to blog Jedi Self-Deprechaun, whose current post cracked me up (as every one of his posts does) and features a plush-toy version of tuberculosis - the OG (Original Gangsta) of infectious diseases - which is stalking him in his workplace. (Trust me, it sounds really funny when he says it.)