Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Potpourri, If You Will, Of Experiences

And How Was Your Weekend?

Don't get me wrong - mine wasn't bad. No, I wouldn't call it that. It was more like...well, let me put it this way:

When I was little, we had an annual carnival at my elemen
tary school and one of the game prizes was called The Grab Bag. It was a pillow case, basically, and you could slink an arm down in there and pick your prize without seeing it. There was something about the mystery of not knowing what I'd pull out of that bag that made this prize my favorite.

(Do I still love being surprised by mysterious items in pillow cases? Not so much.)

Anyway, I'm still recovering from what I'd call a Grab Bag weekend, with each day presenting a fresh opportunity for me to plunge a twitching limb into the pillowcase of life and haul out a fresh, steaming experience to cherish forever...or at least until I can squeegee it off the windshield of my mind.

Friday: I Accidentally Eat A Flower

Friday night we're out to dinner for the first time with new family friends - lovely, civilized people on whom we hope to make a decent impression. Everything is going just fine until I take a bite of pasta and, when I start chewing, realize there's something floating around in my mouth that's not a member of the pasta family of foods.

Very suave-like, I glance down at my plate and see that, while there were formerly three little ornamental garnish flowers nestled against my ravioli, the head count now has dropped to two.

Play it cool, I tell myself. I can do this. I smile and nod along with the conversation as my molars clamp down on the intrepid daisy and it releases a stream of bitter flower venom in retaliation.

"Sounds like you've got a great vacation planned," I gasp at our friends and silently wonder if I can nonchalantly slip under the table on all fours, arch my back a couple dozen times and hork the blossom up without jeopardizing future dinner invitations.

Be
cause, see, the thing about those little garnish flowers is this: on the plate they look all innocent and dainty like this...


But in your mouth, they are more like, um, this:


Saturday:
I Am Traumatized By The Mail


I love getting the mail. It's just so...
exciting. After all, "You may already be a winner!" Right?

Not this weekend.

Here's what I find when I skip down the steps with my little silver mailbox key:


What?
Has my independence been confiscated? Am I going to have to somehow buy it back now, one compulsory orthopedic footwear purchase at a time?

I'm still reeling from this discovery when this falls out onto the driveway with a slap:


What the Buddy Ebsen is going on here? Wait a second, I know what this is! It's one of those catalogs that appears to be full of harmless sweaters, but actually contains jars of eye ointments with names like "Bag-Lift" and sexual aids marketed not by porn stars but by doctors.

What dark forces have conspired to rub my nose in my
mortality ebbing youth in the sanctity of my own driveway? Which company sold me out? I swear, you buy one festive cheese log through the mail and suddenly the demographic gurus assume you're incontinent. Which is exactly what I almost become when this falls out of the catalog:


Sunday: A Trip And Fall Down Memory Lane

I pull out an old photo album to find a particular shot and end up flipping through all the pages with Morticia (not my daughter's real name).

Which is when she finds this photo (a Friday night in So Cal, circa early 80s) and dissolves into snorts of laughter:



(Granted, the uniform looks a lot more bad ass when I'm brandishing my clarinet. I love that blouse, though. Ironically, that's what I'm wearing when I eat the hateful flower at dinner Friday night. Funny how life works, huh?)

They say comedy = tragedy + time.
Perhaps I should have given this photo a couple more years...?


Thank you to Tessa at An Aerial Armadillo for listing me as the person who makes her laugh until she's weak. What an amazing compliment from an amazing person! Thank you.

Thank you to Francies Fancies for the huge shout-out and link! Wow!

Thank you to Fragrant Liar for the Zombie Chicken Award! Get the cluck outta here!

And a huge thank you to everyone who's gone to the trouble to vote for our BlogHer Conference panel entitled "Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard!" I'll let you know as soon as we find out whether we've made it on to the agenda. (Voting closes May 1.) We appreciate your support!

64 comments:

KiKi said...

Love the stories. I could totally picture you eating the flower *snot* -- and the band pic was a friggin' hoot! Keeping my fingers crossed that you make the agenda!! xo - Ki

bb mcclain said...

And I thought parsley was bad.

Sassypants Wifey said...

Bummer deal about the weekend. See, I stand by my advice to teach the kids to bartend. At least if you have a bad weekend, you wouldnt remember it, which is like it not even happening, right?

Bar-b said...

your grab bag weekend rocked. srsly though, you're funny. This was beautiful...."as my molars clamp down on the intrepid daisy and it releases a stream of bitter flower venom in retaliation".

And as for your picture, you look very cute (kinda like that mouse from the dumbo movie?).

Joppa Road said...

I liked this post.

Not The Rockefellers said...

That very same flower garnish thing happened to my husband! He was so freaked by it! Aren't these poison??? Am I going to get sick!!!

Awwww I had a Mrs. Beasley doll!

And I get the odd geriatricatalog now and again.

I like the scratch and sniff Jean Nate ads ")

Peace - Rene

Joanie M said...

Could have been worse.. there could have beena bee hiding in the flower.

Gladys said...

Remind me to tell you the story about drinking the hand washing water in France. Yeah I am loaded with class.

Amy Jo said...

Hmm. I wonder what my mail says about me. Netflix, student loan bill, *gasp!!* REI catalog?!! They think I'm ATHLETIC?

Who are these evil masters of assumption?!

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

I would have felt the exact same way about eating that flower. I don't care that you can eat some flowers. Flowers belong in a vase, not in my food.

The Rambler said...

I picture you sliding from you seat under the table as everyone pretends not to notice you do it. And then as the table goes up and down from your back retching the Seymor type daisy from your throat, the guest still politely pretend as they hold their water and continue the conversation on how stunning the moon is....

You put me there :)

Chaka said...

You are not alone when it comes to having items for the elderly marketed to you. I have been getting hearing aid flyers in the mail since I was 35. A couple months ago I got a sample depends diaper in the mail. There's nothing wrong with getting old, but shouldn't we decide when it happens?

Ann's Rants said...

Next it will be "Coldwater Creek"

Sorry, friend.

horkin' up a blossom is my new favorite expression.

blognut said...

I can see how Saturday's mail would suck the life out of your weekend. At least you didn't get one of those invitations to the funeral home for their pre-planned event seminar where one lucky winner gets a pre-paid cremation. That would have been worse, right?

Jeanne said...

I don't think I've ever eaten anyplace that puts flowers on the plate. Maybe I should get out more.

CaraBee said...

The other day I went to buy some makeup at Macy's. They almost always give me some freebie with purchase. Usually it is a lipstick or eyeliner or something. This time, the tart behind the counter gave me wrinkle cream. I'll take a couple of anonymous AARP catalogs over someone telling me I look old any day of the week.

I imagine that was one of those edible flowers. It's a real thing. They may not taste great, but they won't kill you. I would love to have seen your face, though!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I've eaten those flowers. I didn't think they were half bad, actually. Or maybe that was my alter ego, just pretending to enjoy something so freaking pretencious. :o)

Lisa Loo said...

You had me at, "arch my back a couple dozen times and hork the blossom up"--just reading it again--snort--BWAHAHAHAHA! I think hork is my new favorite word.

I was at a luncheon once where the salad had a few greens and a LARGE assortment of flowers. Who knew I could have skipped the lunch and just went out and snacked on the flower boxes on my porch??!!

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

When will I EVER learn not to be drinking something when I read your blog??? I'm an idiot!

Beth Kephart said...

Gosh, Anna. I mean. Gosh. I will never put flowers on your plate, I promise.

And you look kinda more than cute in that band uniform.

Fragrant Liar said...

So you almost found your Daisy Pukes! I know, some flowers are much prettier than they taste. Probably if you'd downed the daisy with some newfangled exotic shot with ten liqueurs in it, you'd have had a good excuse for puking.

I'm pulling for you to make the comedy thang. I nominated you on Blogher the other day, too, for your mammogram post. I couldn't help it. That piece was hysterical.

Anna See said...

Yeah, I've made the cheese log mistake myself. Now it's all support socks and magnifying glasses. Ugh. I think I ate a pansy once at a chi chi restaurant, although I think I was supposed to...

Swirl Girl said...

"nonchalantly slip under the table on all fours, arch my back a couple dozen times and hork the blossom up"

thanks for the visual...no , seriously.

suZen said...

Don't go to the mailbox on Monday - the new AARP newsletters will be out - don't want you to start the new week off with that!

Geeta said...

Ohh the hilarious-ness. Always a welcome addition to my day =]

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

That's not a real band uniform. Where is the ridiculous shako fur hat? And the constricting wool jacket? And the rubber overshoes (oh wait, that's for parades in case you step in horse poo). And what the hell were you doing conducting anyway? I thought you played the tuba or something.

Sue said...

I can just picture the whole dinner table scene. Did you ever expel the evil flower?

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Your flower story reminded me of my first dinner with the future in laws (and snooty snoot snoots compared to my family) and I walked over to the fruit and cheese plate and plucked a juicey purple grape, popped in in the pie hole and realized it was a cheese plate... with plastic fruit for decor. To chew and swollow rubber or spit and humiliate oneself? That is the question!!!

Tessa said...

Shriek! Venomous daisies, geriatic catalogues and snorting children - what a pillow case of little horrors!

Guy bit into a smouldering chestnut at some fancy pantsy restaurant we went to in London a while ago and yelled like a banshee when it burnt his tongue quite badly. It was the sort of place where the food comes in one bite-size piece, all tarted up with silver bells and cockle shells and pretty maids all in a row. The chestnut was merely decorative and meant to complement the aroma of the teeny puddle of puree that was his meal.

K said...

I think food should be delicious, but not pretty. No extra decorations needed.

Bee and Rose said...

"What the Buddy Ebsen" ....that is a fantastic catchphrase! LOL!

I started getting welcome letters from AARP when I turned 40....My daugher got one the other day...she's 6...

Kulio said...

hahaha..."hork", nice.

That band uniform was SWEET.

And I'm sorry but cheese logs, smoked sausage and tiny jars of jelly, are you serious? Bring 'em on, baby.

Kelvin S. Mangundayao said...

hi!!! oh, you eat flowers? so, how was that...? hmmn, you're soo funny, huh... i loved it and i enjoyed reading on your pieces... anyhow, eventhough it's a late reaction from me, i wanna say thank you for visiting my blog... and one more thing... you look great in that mustache...!!!



your blog is awesome too...

keep safe and more blessings...
...and humors....lol!!!:D

♥ Braja said...

I dunno...I thought those flowers looked yummy...

xxx
:)

Rhea said...

You STILL Wear that blouse?! Wow

MommyTime said...

My sister ate a flower once. Actually, a whole bouquet. In her defense, she was drunk at the time. Not in her favor: it was a bouquet that had been given to me as a birthday present. I wasn't what you might call thrilled. However, it had no adverse effects on her from the standpoint of food safety. So at least you can assume that part will be fine for you too. :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Could have been an edible flower - I hear they are all the rage. On the other hand, I never heard that they taste good.

Nice band uniform. A real babe magnet, yes?

Anna Liffen said...

Ah - the evil of advertising... I told Adwords to go to hell after they didn't display funky ads for funky people on my funky blog. "Senior dating" etc they gave me and I ain't kidding. It seriously dented my self esteem.

Anna
x

Anna Liffen said...

PS. Well done on managing to eat a daisy, very impressive!

Snowbound said...

Love this post. I am going to add you to my blog roll. It has been tough finding other blogs out there worth reading let alone commenting on.
Yes, I have been frightened by what has shown up in my mailbox recently along with the so-called targeted ads on the side of my gmail page. It seems I have slipped into another demographic without knowing about it. Very scary.
www.whenpigsfly.squarespace.com

Barry said...

WOW! You won the Zombie Chicken Award!

Was that before or after you ate the flower?

Beth said...

Horking flowers up sounds like more fun than grabbing a prize out of a pillow case. Just my opinion.

You made me laugh and then I had to explain it to the family. Now they are looking at me in that funny, funny way.

Frogs in my formula said...

Great weekend wrap-up. Thanks, needed a good laugh.

Lisa said...

Please don't stop. The laughing feels good!

Imogen Lamport said...

Flowers are all look and little taste, bit of a let down really.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Oh lord, you are hilarious!
And just what is it with those garnish flowers - I've never got the point - as you say, pretty to look at venomous, with sharp pointed teeth, to eat!

kel said...

I am totally snorting over the flower incident!! And that band outfit totally rocks.

Lee Ryan said...

Buying cheese-logs through the mail is almost as bad as actually giving money to a charity phone-solicitation or foolishly ordering magazines through a subscription service. :-) Great Post!

HermanTurnip said...

Aww...don't feel too bad about the daisy incident. I hear tell that some older folks have been known to eat salads made predominately of daisy flowers. I'm not sure what that would taste like, but it's good to know they're not poisonous!

http://terribleanalogies.com

Mary K Brennan said...

Nothing like eating a flower to get a little dinner conversation going?
I once swallowed pee while changing my son's diaper. Stupid me thought it would be cute to lean over and sing while performing the daunting task.
I think I'd rather the flower.
Awesome weekend!

Tere said...

Finally catching up after a few days and bwahahahahahahahaha, I have laughed so hard it brought my daughter downstairs to check on me.

jb said...

I just want to say I love your blog and your so funny. I just stumbled across your blog from Anna's Liffen's blog who is so funny and I love her and her blog..damm how many times can I say blog in one sentence.

Please fell free to drop by and read some of my not so funny stories on my humble little blog. My friends keep on telling me I'm funny and my ife is so dramatic but I can't see it...or can I....lolol

Take good care and hope you stop by for a visit.

Huggs
JB

Jane! said...

You still have a 25-year-old shirt? I am in awe.
I guess the aliens didn't accept your surrender?

Blicky Kitty said...

There could've been worse things to find in your salad n'est-ce pas? Oh and it would've been way worse if you were excited to get the old lady catalogues. "Yessss, my hip is gonna feel so much better after I buy these puppies."

A Cuban In London said...

That Friday experience beats mine hands down. A flower, huh :-)? I suppose you didn't have time to spread some pepper on top? Many thanks.

Greetings from London.

sherri said...

"What the Buddy Ebsen is going on here?" I love you even more now.

consider yourself tagged. at my place. scroll down - post before the backfat one. yes, I said backfat.

HappyHourSue said...

OMG a few years ago I received "As We Change" (AWC) and I was all "who the HELL put me on this list???? and then I browsed through it and was all: "oooh- that's a good idea..." and I'm now the proud owner of (1) slimming waist-wrap faux sweatshirt and (1) face fuzz buster.

Mammatalk said...

A band nerd? You? Never.

I'm Just a Girl said...

My mom gets the same catalogs! And yes...the porn insert was in her catalog too! I about fell off the couch when she showed it to me!

Kim Hightower said...

OMG! Your weekend was AWESOME! The flower is hilarious, only because that has happened to me before. I just spit it into the napkin! ;-)

Expat From Hell said...

This is good stuff, and I don't mean to eat. I will be back again. Thanks for posting.

ExpatFromHell

Dr Zibbs said...

Mrs Beasley - AWww jeeez (that was my A Bunker imitation)

Lisa said...

Bwhahahahaha...the whole post made me giggle...I hope my kids never find my Color Guard days pictures ;)

Mrs4444 said...

You have quite the sense of humor; I enjoy your writing style :) Came here by way of Twitter. Speaking of life getting weirder, I've been asking but not getting an answer...not to be rude or anything, but why would someone who doesn't know me Follow me on Twitter?? My inquiring mind needs to know, and you seem friendly. Can you help answer the question for me? (or do I know you--the stache is just a very good disguise?)