Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Reject the Following on Various Grounds:

Anything that purports to be "spooktacular"
-
The same goes for:

  • "Yuletastic"

  • "Easterlicious"

  • "Yom KipPOW!"
Referring to the city of Malibu as "The 'bu"

Ditto on:
  • Calling Sacramento "The 'to"

  • Calling Oxnard "The 'nard"
Fake blessings from people who obviously hate me
-
This might be a California thing, but lately I've run across a number of people of dubious qualification who, upon ending a conversation, place their palms together and say something along the lines of, "I wish you light and laughter on your path" while the radioactive glint in their eyes clearly conveys their vehement desire to visit upon me an immediate IRS audit and chronic, raging irritable bowel syndrome.


What's the bottom line on that, anyway?

Blessings + Hate Vibe = Break Even?

Clothing that is described or advertised as "conceptual"

Any musical piece composed for or performed on a recorder


Including (but not limited to) "Greensleeves."

Any representation of Blue Man Group that exceeds 6 feet in height


The following conversational item and all variations thereof: "So, which route did you take to get here?"

My reaction is pretty much the same as this young lady's.

The way, when you're eating a bag of Funyuns, you can suddenly find yourself sitting bolt upright, peering into the bag and saying, "Wait, do these Funyuns taste like trout? Why do they taste like trout?" And then, after a few more, you convince yourself that they do, in fact, taste slightly more like fake onions than trout. What a relief.

And then you finish the bag.

58 comments:

Florinda said...

"The 'Nard"? Oh, that sounds SO many kinds of wrong...

If you get a petition going to ban pretty much everything on this list - especially the trout-flavored Funyuns - I'll sign!

Always Home and Uncool said...

When I was sentenced to live in Texas for five years or so, people loved to say, "Bless your heart." I figured this countered the cigarettes and fried cheese.

Mike Marshall said...

That is not unlike calling San Diego "Diego" or "The Dago"......and the trout thing and Funyuns.....I totally agree. You crack me up........Peace, Mike in Sandy Eggo.

American in Norway said...

Ok...now I have just peed my pants... Funny... & what is up with that coat of torture? Where do you find this stuff?

nikkicrumpet said...

Great...ya made me spitlaugh all over my computer screen. Crap where is one of those hankies my aunt used to stuff up her sleeve! Living here in the setts we don't get blessings like that...we typically just get the finger. And may I say...I'm now eternally grateful I've never touched a funyon. This is hereby my new favorite blog...don't mind me I'm just gonna sit in the corner and pretend I'm one of your close friends...I need the "cool points".

nikkicrumpet said...

Oh...and I don't see what's so conceptual about that dress...I went to school with a girl who had that contraption...very sad....

Anna Lefler said...

Florinda: Witchita = "The 'ta" It just gets worse and worse...

Always Home: Ah, yes. "Bless your heart." The ultimate Southern double-edged sword. (I grew up in Houston, BTW)

Mike: Sandy Eggo - that's awesome!

American in Norway: The creepy thing is, that stuff finds ME.

Nikkicrumpet: Thank you! And before you start believing I'm any kind of cool, I must confess that I was in marching band. For a long time. Just gettin' that out in the open... Wait - where you goin', Nik...? Nik?

Real Live Lesbian said...

I have the same problem with NashVEGAS. Seriously?

Funny, funny post!

Someone just recently, "blessed my heart" and I knew just how insultingly she meant it. I hate that term.

Chat Blanc said...

Yes, I too am against all recorder AND calliope music!

PJ Hoover said...

So why the blue Men?

Anna Lefler said...

Real Live Lesbian: Oh, the "bless your heart" is such a double-edged sword!

Chat Blanc: Calliope music! I can't believe I left that off the list!

PJ: Hmmm. Too blue. Too facey. One of them looks like Gilligan. Way too unstable a mix for something billboard-sized.

Bee said...

I don't know what I would do if someone wished me light and laughter. I would probably bust a gut laughing in their face and they'd wish me darkness and tears.

QuirkyLoon said...

I'm not Jewish, but that Yom KipPow had me absolutely rollin'!

Too too funny!

BTW, why is blogger word verification thingy so darn long? sheesh. It's annoying. Or should I say, "blognoying"?

heh heh?

Anna Lefler said...

Bee: I KNOW! It's creepy, isn't it? The whole thing is highly suspect.

Quirky Loon: Blognoying! I'm SO using that from now on!

Pilo Gui said...

A nice and bold declaration.
nosle.com
pilo

DM said...

Just started reading your blog - pretty funny! Yom KipPow, haven't heard that one but will run once I do.

greedygrace said...

Funny stuff! I've never heard anyone refer to Sacramento as the 'to before, but I know many people who refer to San francisco as The City. Hello! We live two hours away! There are a lot of cities!

Congrats on being saucy this week!

traveler one said...

Soooooooooo wickedly funny!

mommaof4wife2r said...

kudos on ur 'fake blessings'...weird. i have to say, i've never seent hat in the midwest, but we still are busy picking at our teeth here...(big yikes). love ur writing style and you are sooooo funny! i will def be back. you are bookmarked!

KDLOST said...

hello SITSa!

thanks for stopping by my blog. congrats to you too, saucy lady! looking forward to reading more of your stuff! :)

togetherforgood said...

Snort!

They call Omaha "The Big O." Um, sorry, no.

April said...

congrats on being a SITS feature - you're hilarious :-D

Meaghan said...

Great Post!

stopping by via SITS!

-Meaghan

HappyHourSue said...

I'm going to disagree with "dm" on the "pretty funny" and throw "VERY funny" into the ring....Watcha got to say now, dm? That's what I thought.


p.s. After literally MONTHS of faithful SITS daily visits, I crapped out. Will visit now to see what the blogroll is about!

Linda said...

I just love when people call my home town Shy Town. Yea.

Maggie R said...

congrats on being a "Sits" pick.
I was chuckling about the "Bless your heart" phrase.... Gosh I have said it many times....didn't know I was being rude!!!! Guess in my era it was nice! VBG
xoxo
((((hugs))))
Maggie

Eudea-Mamia said...

Oh so delightfully, completely random!

Sadly, so much like myself, minus the awesome writing.

Em in the Big D

AngiDe- Nana's Box said...

Seriously, you are one funny person! That has too be the best post I ahve read in a long time. Thanks for a great laugh!

I hope you'll come by and check out my GIVEAWAY going on!

Angie
www.nanasboxnonprofit.blogspot.com

Anna Lefler said...

Thanks to all my SITS sisters for the terrific comments! Wow! Can't wait for the blogathon tomorrow...

Looking forward to checking out your blogs, too!

Have a great day...

:^) Anna

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

They call Sacramento, the 'to? As in, "The Toe"?
Hmmm, I'm trying to decide if that's better or worse than calling us The 'cram', or even The Sac'.


And can I just say that my word verification for this comment (and I'm not making this up)
"dikgal"

Anna Lefler said...

"The Cram?" "The Sac?"

There's no two ways about it: you're going to have to MOVE.

While you're at it, try to find a nice, new town where the blogs don't call you filthy names.

:^) Anna

oº˚ Queen Bee ˚ºo said...

Congrats on being saucy!

Much Love
anissa

nikkicrumpet said...

HAH...I'm linking back to you of course...you are my new favorite blog... everyone needs to experience a good spit/laugh..and this is the place to do it! I gotta work tomorrow so I'm gonna have to sneak in a few comments to win those valuable prizes! Should be fun though. And thanks for thinking of me for the link!!!!

Petra said...

OMG, the whole funyon conversation has me in stitches! (and gagging, by the way, because if there is anything I hate more than funyons, it's TROUT!)

Stacey Muir said...

Oh my gosh you are hilarious! And congrats on being saucy!!

Ashley. Unscripted... said...

Congrats on your Sauciness. I think I love this blog.

The 'Nard. Love it.

Michelle said...

I found you over and SITs and I must say, you are one funny lady!

Hey.....I have that coat in my closet! Aren't all soccer moms wearing them this season??

Heather said...

here in the Bible belt, the trend seems to be toward telling people to "have a blessed day" instead of just saying see ya later. i admit to being a little suspicious when i hear it.

Mommy2lilgems said...

awesome post! Stopping by by way of SITS!

Jen Sue Wild said...

You are way too funny.. I almost peed I was laughing so hard..

Natalie said...

Just did a literal spit take on my keyboard. I've never done one without a beverage of some sort involved before. Didn't even know it was possible. Too funny.

Momof3 said...

Stopping by from Sits.

And I don't get Blue Man Group at all!

Love your blog, you are cracking me up. I am including you in my blog list for the blogathon tomorrow.

Pennies In My Pocket said...

SO funny and so scary at the same time....blue man group, I've seen them in concert. Not a fan, bless their hearts. ;-)

Thanks for coming by on Friday when I was featured on SITS! I'm having a blast visiting everyone who stopped in! LOVE your blog!

~melody~

dddiva said...

Congrats on being a Saucy SITSta- I loved your post and am adding you to my blog list so I can read more when I have some more spare time.

Rhea said...

What a hilarious post. Those city abbreviations were...AWFUL! I hate it when people do that.

You crack me up. Your profile picture is great. hehe

Mer said...

You have apparently gotten lucky and haven't been exposed to the world of "scrap speak." Things like "yummy paper" "scrappy goodness" or "scrappy crush."

Ignorance must be bliss. :)

Lisa Petrarca said...

Well over here in "THE" OC...what's up with "THE" OC...thanks for pointing out the obvious! STUPID HUH?

Congrats you Saucy lil blog u! Sorry, couldn't resist

Anna Lefler said...

Thanks again to all my new SITS friends! "Spit take" and "peed my pants" are two of my favorite phrases - I can't think of higher praise! Can't wait to visit your blogs as well...

On to the SITS blogathon!

Thanks again for all the great comments!

XO Anna

Justine said...

Heeheeheeeeeeeeeeeee! Funny post, and how the hell did you find a picture of a trout and Funyuns? Just found you through Nikki's blah blah blah blog!

Justine :o )

Kendra said...

Okay, I'm sold. I am now a faithful reader.

Ronnica said...

Wow, you certainly have an interesting sense of humor. I'm from Wichita, KS, and we often refer to it as "'Ta Town." I take it that wouldn't be cool with you either...

Mary Anna said...

Bless you and Amen.

Funyuns are wrong on so many levels (and, yet, right on so many!) Strangely, they are great with salsa.

I live in San Antonio, and it drives me nuts when people say "San Antone." Just throw in that last syllable already!

And, I'm from Houston - don't even get me started on H-town.

(Thanks for stopping by!)

Cristin said...

I was just eating Funyons a minute ago... and the next time I eat them, I will taste trout... thanks.

CailinMarie said...

I am in on the whole "fake blessings thing" from which ever corner of faith they wish to bless me - just tell them to KEEP IT already - I get a bit less of the light and whatever variety - being on the northern tip of the Bible belt it tends to be more along the "Bless your heart" with a tone that lets me know they are pretty sure my blessed heart is already damned to hell. umm.. should I mention I actually believe the Bible? but anyway

Mandy said...

Oh my god, you have me on the floor laughing!!!

Summer said...

Hey- I'm living in the "Bus!"

My latest encounter was being told outright that my soul was being prayed for, signed "In His Grace, Dawnita." Thanks. Could you CC me a copy of that prayer? I just can't seem to get ahold of the Big Guy himself...

J'Ollie Primitives said...

"bless your heart" Right up there with AFRo's "How nice" And all of the e-mailed ((())) HUGS I get. OK well some ((())) are well meant, otherwise I feel a noose of parentheses. Gack.

Brenda Jean said...

I agree. Yes, 100%. Wait, I really do like Greensleeves--I'm half Irish, I can't help it. Please forgive me. I live in the Midwest and I can assure you that NO ONE is every going to say: I wish you light and laughter on your path. I don't think we even have a path around here. Really. Unless you mean the path to the hayfield.