Monday, December 29, 2008

Every Picture Tells A Story...

...You Just Might Not Want to Hear It.

I have a Hotmail email account that I use for certain aspects of my life (online betting, fake Craigslist personals, you know - the usual). Not long ago, Hotmail went through a big "upgrade" (I think anyone who's experienced a service upgrade will understand the quotes around that word), resulting in a wider and more luxurious selection of emoticons.

Now, I'm not a big emoticon user (no, I'm not), so I just recently got around to taking a closer look at the new selection now available. I can sum up my findings in two words:

"What the?"

Maybe I don't understand the purpose of these little symbols after all. I mean, I get the smiley faces - even the ones wearing party hats and/or sunglasses. But a sheep?!? Why do we need a sheep emoticon? Do I even want to know the answer to this question?

(My friend Beth says sheep are creative thinkers with their own ideas about landscape design. I don't think this one is a design sheep, though - he's not wearing retro-hip clothes or unusual glasses. I think this is a regular sheep.)

I had to be missing something. Hotmail is part of Microsoft, after all. I mean, if Bill Gates says I need a sheep emoticon, then clearly I need one...I'm just not sure why.

Think, Anna, I told myself. Think.

[Full disclosure: at this point I went and made myself a snack and, no, it was not a healthy one - in fact, its place in the nutrition pyramid was dubious at best.]

A
nd then it came to me. I had been looking at the emoticons from a superficial point of view - that was my mistake. I needed instead to get inside the sheep, to become one with the sheep, to understand the deeper, implied message of the sheep.

Okay, it sounds kind of stupid when I write it out like that, but, believe me, I kind of had a thing there - a moment of spectacular clarity - with the little symbols.

Whatever.

Anyway...allow me to share with you my interpretation of the deeper meaning of some of these petite pictorial punctuators and I bet you'll soon be scattering them throughout your electronic correspondence with gusto.

I know I will.


I feel really bah-ah-ahdly about how things ended the other night. (If you've got a decent JFK impression, now's the time to whip it out.)


It's days like this that make me pine for the attentions of a licensed healthcare provider.


Or a landscaper/fry cook.


Hey! There's a RuPaul special on TV tonight!


I disagree with my psychiatrist. I think there are some real advantages to having multiple personalities.


Can I list my appearance on my friend's nannycam on my acting resume? I mean, I really nailed it.


I am sick to hell of flying coach.


OMG, you are so naive.


Note to self: get Botox.


Don't forget: clog-dancing lesson this Tuesday!


I've also come up with some emoticons that, as far as I know, do not yet exist, but which I think you'll agree definitely should, including:
  • jar of Vaseline
  • cocktail weenie
  • pantyliner (regular for PC, thong for Mac)
  • tire track
  • Cool Ranch Dorito
  • minuteman missile
  • banana slug
I think the meanings of these emoticons require no interpretation.

Thank You...

...to
Pseudonymous High School Teacher for linking to my Mad Libs Christmas letter!

...to Lizzie at
Infectious Chatter for the cool Proximidade Award!

...and to
Pooba for this:

72 comments:

Michele said...

As usual, thanks so much for the useful tips. I had no idea.

You are a crack up! :->

Chase said...

I feel like the mysteries of the universe are explained to me when I read your blog

Florinda said...

I linked to your Mad Libs holiday letter too - the link's in here. Hope you and your family had a great Christmas, Anna!

And thanks for the emoticons lesson. One more reason I'm glad I don't use Hotmail :-).

Comedy Goddess said...

When will they offer the option to dot an i with a heart or a smiley? I'm just asking...

jennifersusan said...

So that's what the sheep is for! Of course!!! Why didn't I think of that before?
btw...my teenager is a big fan of your blog now!

Pacing the Panic Room said...

I think you should start using the "sheep" emoticon anytime you want us to follow a link you put up. No?

only a movie said...

freaking excellent. the cool ranch dorito is especially apt.

Eudea-Mamia said...

Your brilliant insight always amazes me.

And I'm thinking that Bill Gates might be making a subtle smack at American Consumerism - we're all sheep when it comes to the newest technical gadget - thanks in part to Bill Gates.

Baaaaaa.

That, or there are lots of lonely cowboys on the range amusing themselves with their Blackberries.

Ann's Rants said...

I've desperately needed an emoticon for sheepishness! Maybe I'll go reactivate my old hotmail account...

By the way, I'm officially nominating you as my comedyblogger.com big sister. Thank goodness I made it though pledge week. That hazing was a bitch. Will you please please tell me my secret pledge name? I promise I won't be offended.

Shonda Little said...

Fucking hilarious with the PC/Mac panty liner and Vaseline. I'm kind of jealous of your wit, miss.

I've used hotmail for a while and I hated the upgrade.

"Sunshine" said...

Hey! I stumbled upon your blog through another blogger who follows you. I like what I see--especially that business about the sheep emoticon. I have a couple of friends who always bring my maturity level down about 10 years when I'm in their presence. One of them sends me the sheep in IMs sometimes for no reason. And really you're right: there is no reason for that sheep. Just wanted to let you know I love this blog and will start following it as soon as I get this comment sent!

The Mom said...

HEElarious! YOu are my idol!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

There was such a need for a thong emoticon..you don't know how many times that comes up in my entries. Can you do one for mesh shirts and leather chaps too? Too funny Princess Anna! Woot right back at you. --> { <-- that's the thong.

flydragon said...

And I'm thinking your "snack" must have been of the liquid kind.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I' voting for adoption of the banana slug.

Julia said...

"I disagree with my psychiatrist. I think there are some real advantages to having multiple personalities."

This has got to be my favorite sentence I've read in a very long time!

MuseSwings said...

Bwahahaha...snort...hahaha! Try as I might I cannot add to your personal wish list. The Cool Ranch Dorito transcends time and space and most traffic violations. Okay maybe one thing: laudamum bottles to choose from: full, half full (or is it half empty - I can never decide), and empty. The sheep? I think he's saying "I wanna follow you to yer manger, babe." I could be wrong. Spectacular post as always!

The Hussy Housewife said...

I was with you on the hotmail upgrade. I find it incredibly rude that they first did not ask if I wanted a upgrade..if I needed a upgrade. Do I LOOK like I need upgrade?

I think I should feel insulted that they thought I needed upgraded. If I had know I was in for a upgrade I would have requested a "mommy tuck" upgrade and said pass on the sheep.

Hope you had a great holiday!

Fifi Flowers said...

My favorite emoticons are the martini glasses, champagne glasses, margarita glasses, wine glasses... WOW... do I see a trend here...
I actually got rid of my emoticons... so no more glasses for moi... sigh!
Thanks to you for a laugh!
Fifi

Mandy said...

Freaking hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

Is there an emoticon for a Mom who has two sick kids over Christmas break??? WTH

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

Bwahahahahahahaha!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

I have the flu and am spewing out of both of my larger orifices. Now there's an emoticon for you.

Bill who? lol

K said...

I think I'd like a toliet emoticon. It would be used in so many contexts.

Happy Monday.

Jamie said...

Hahaha, yeah what the hell are some of those supposed to mean? Anywho...love the jar of vaseline idea...you should totally send that into ol' Bill...bet he'd love it ;-)

Nyxmyst said...

I could say so many things about that sheep.. I could. I won't though, because you'll kick me off your pretty blog for being sick and twisted.

I will recommend the movie "Black Sheep" next time you feel the need to get inside the lil sheep, though. Were-sheep horror movies are good for that. *winks*

Bar-b said...

exactly.

I have too wondered these things girlie q. The sheep, the dying rose, the two pirate coins, the star, teh different colored half huggers. I agree though, if bill gates says so then I will use them, and use them proudly.

So effin' entertaining to read your blog, friend.

Ann's Rants said...

Umm, yeah. I meant humor bloggers...Now THAT's comedy.

MuseSwings said...

An award awaits you, my dear bloggyfriend!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I am laughing my (rather large, engorged from too much holiday eating) ass off over here! I love the interpretations, as do I love the suggestions for new emoticons. I bet Microsoft contacts you within days for permission to use them.

phd in yogurtry said...

I would guess a sheep significes that emotional need to graze. It becomes paramount during holiday season, with so much leftover nosh.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Well, clearly I'm offended that Hotmail does not offer a goat emoticon, yet they offer a sheep? That's discrimination and I will be filing a frivolous lawsuit any day now.

Grand Pooba said...

Aaaahahahaha! I was always confused at the sheep, thanks for the clarification.

HumorSmith said...

That was funny. :-)

Reddirt Woman said...

The sheep emoticon reminded me of the cartoon I saw years ago of a sheepherder standing behind a sheep with his hands entwined in the sheep's wool with a beatific look on his face saying, "what nice wool you have..."

And while suggesting other possible emoticons, why not add KY, Trojans, flannel nightgowns, peptobismol, jalapenos... ad infinatum.

Fun and creative... thanks.

Ma'dame French said...

OMG too funny I think I like yours best;) French

The Wife O Riley said...

Here are some more to add to your list.

Chicken leg
Chewbaca
One fuzzy slipper
Hamburger buns (no burger)
Bea Arthur.

Braja said...

I'm with Panties: what the hell kind of outfit is that Microsoft place, when they offer sheeps and no goats? They're looking down the barrel of some serious Muslim uprisings on top of Panties' threats....

ReformingGeek said...

Do they have a "middle finger" emoticon? That would be great in so many ways.

nikkicrumpet said...

Wow you had an ephiphany about a sheep....I think most ranch hands have had one of those too!

And I am all for that cocktail weenie emoticon. Boy could I put that to some good use!

The Rambler said...

OMG, I was so looking for the right emoticon for my clog dancing class taught by Rupaul on my not flying coach plane!!!! So if I put them together, this sentence works right?

Thanks Anna...(wink)

Michelle said...

Oh my gawd.....you have me laughing out loud and that isn't good because it is late and I should be in bed, but my sugar high is keeping me up way too late!

Sabrae Carter said...

lol!!! that was great!

Beth Kephart said...

Lefler: Had you asked, I'd have given you the complete skinny on the sheep. I was merely Cliff Noting the thing, since it was Christmas and all, and I knew you were busy partaking in your violent sport and eating unhealthy snacks. Also, you've got the dancer thing wrong. It's about ballroom dance, and it's a reminder to go out and re-stock false lashes.

Yaya said...

Living in Scotland I already have 5 uses for the sheep emoticon off the top of my head!
Need to go check if its been upgraded on my account....

Needless To Say said...

Clearly you should be working as an emoticon designer! Happy New Year!

Femin Susan said...

Hi......
Your blog is really interesting... Keep posting.... Wishing you " A Happy New Year''

Femin Susan said...

Hi......
Your blog is really interesting... Keep posting.... Wishing you " A Happy New Year''

WA said...

Love the nannycam one. I think that's how Dame Judy Dench got started.

T said...

I must speak up and be grateful for the absence of a banana slug emoticon... I lived in the Seattle area long enough to detest those little beasts and I certainly don't want them creeping into my e-mail!!! (do they leave glittery slime trails all over the message?)

You are hilarious - loved the mad-lib letter btw - we sent one out as a snail mail greeting some many years back and I was disappointed with the obviously non-mad-libs-fans out there who just didn't GET it!

ZenMom said...

Finally! I can't tell you how long I have been waiting for the internet to catch up to my need for more expressive transitive pictograph verbalizations.

It is so tiring having to string all these letters and words and punctuation marks together. Whew.

Now I can really get back to telling stories the way they were meant to be told - if it was good enough for the cavemen, it should be good enough to you, Anna! :)

Christa said...

Banana slug?

I need emoticon for:

- Frazzled
- Put on thong backward
- Chocolate covered espresso bean addict

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

That was so funny--including the pantiliner for PC and MAC! ha!

The Blonde Duck said...

They need the peanut butter jelly time dancing banana!

LarryG said...

Loving to laugh goes so good with your blog.
I wish Microsoft would comeup with something new :)


Happy New Year!
May 2009 lift you up in wonderful ways!

Kimberly said...

I would like to see an emoticon of two crabs... for "that's the second time I got crabs"... because I quote Super Troopers WAY too much, any help shortening this would be appreciated.

Jeanne said...

My friend with the sex toy business says they sell blow up sheep at the toy warehouse, right alongside the other blow up dolls. So maybe the emoticon is to put on your order form?

TC said...

;~)

(Unfortunately, Blogger don't allow emoticon tags so you'll have to pardon my use of the semicolon, tilda and closed parenthesis to indicate a winking smiley face.)

Poetikat said...

Coincidentally, I just posted a poem the other day with a sheep theme. How do you like that?

Personally, I like sheep - but I wouldn't want to put them in my e-mail; people might think I have no backbone or can't think for myself.

I need a sloth emoticon - so there are no outrageous expectations. I mean, so what if I'm sleeping in the same pajamas I wore all day today (and yesterday) and a little instant oatmeal for dinner is no big deal, right?

Kat

essee said...

I rarely lol literally (did I just type lol?) but I did from "baaa-aad" onward. Ahhh. you make me smile.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I admit it, I LOVE emoticons. I wish they were available in every application.... but I am mystified why I'd want any of the ones that you introduced. The sheep? The odd, stiff armed people?? Is there some cultural phenomenon going on that I don't know anything about??

Blicky Kitty said...

Awesome post! I'm not sure, but I think the emoticon thingie on the top tried to hit on me. He was all "how you doin?"

My crazy crazy life said...

Oh GAWD, I don't even want to know what the vaseline would be used for but I can see how that might be useful...

Rick said...

Sheep for being quite contrary.

Hey Anna, I've started by big giveaway over on my blog. Please pop on over for a chance to win a caricature drawn by me. I'll throw in a sheep if you win.

bb mcclain said...

How about a teeny tube of K-Y Jelly for an emoticon? My wife used to think that the stuff was made in Kentucky....honest.

Divine Chaos said...

When I saw those two emoticons at the top of your list, it made me cringe. But, apparently I'm the one with the dirty and terribly warped mind who would have stuck the two of them together, not you LOL

Braja said...

Anna, have a great night and a wonderful 2009!! xoxox

Reluctant Housewife said...

Ha! Too funny.

I saw a comment you made on someone else's blog and had to click over because I was impressed by how full was your mustache. Kudos!

Zen Ventures said...

I don't ever use emoticons as much! but you gave it a better meaning! ha!
Happy New Year!

Bulldog said...

if sheep are "creative thinkers with their own ideas " why do you only need one dog for like a hundred or something? anyone who sends you a sheep icon thinks you're a dullard.

Bulldog said...

happy new year by the way!

Renee said...

Clog dancing lessons was priceless.

xoxoxo

Now I can crawl back into bed. thanks. xoxoo

Karen said...

Please, please, someone create the pantyliner emoticon......

I'm still trying to pick myself up off the floor. You are so freakin' funny.