It Came From Outer Space

I Think It's Pronounced "Zim"

So I've been hearing about satellite radio for quite a while now, mostly from people who mistakenly think the words "Howard Stern" are some kind of selling point.

Naturally, I've resisted, preferring to harvest the people's free airwaves with the highly advanced wire hanger that I almost don't notice anymore when I'm waxing my Gremlin.

I've resisted, that is...until now.

Yup, I am now a proud mobile satellite enthusiast, with more than 2 million (I may have rounded up) stations at my ears' fingertips.

I always wondered how the whole satellite radio thing worked...and now I know. Here's the inside poop on the set-up process:

• Go to XM website and begin entering contact information to set up account.
• Realize that the paper with the radio number you need is down in the car, two flights of stairs below.
• Curse.
• Stomp downstairs while muttering obscenities and retrieve paper.
  
• Stomp back upstairs.
  
• Complete account set-up process.
• Wait for radio signal to be sent to car.
• Per instructions, drive around pointlessly for 15-20 minutes waiting for radio to receive signal and unleash mind-blowing premium programming.
• Minute 21: realize that every single button on the radio does nothing but deliver non-stop commercials for XM.
• Per instructions, turn radio off for 5 minutes then repeat process.
• Drive around for another 21 minutes, marinating in a continuous loop of promos for sports, talk and medical stations, none of which you would listen to even if they were free.
• Minute 21: test the other radio buttons again and discover that they are mocking you with more satellite commercials.
• Call XM customer service hotline from car and become ensnared in verbal combat with automated robot receptionist girl.
• Angrily punch random series of numbers into phone resulting in miraculous connection to "live person."
• Answer series of questions posed without hint of irony by "live person," including the following:

Is your car outside?
Yes.
Is the weather cloudy?
No.
Are you near an obstruction, like a large building?
No.
Is your engine running?
Yes.
Are you tuned to Channel 1?
Yes.
Are you wearing Jean Nate Bath Splash?
What?
Never mind.

• Dangle on hold for approximately 10 minutes. Dig furiously at cuticles. Realize that neighbor is eyeing you from webbed lawn chair with that Neighborhood Watch look on his face. Peel out around block.
• Rejoice when "live person" returns to give detailed instructions. Instructions are as follows: turn radio off for 5 minutes and try again.
• Damn "live person" to the fiery depths of Escondido. Hang up.
• Fume in car for 7 minutes, inflicting moderate damage to passenger-side visor.
• Deflate with resignation as you accept that you're going to drive around for 21 more minutes.
• Drive around for 21 more minutes.
• Close eyes and poke at radio keypad while chanting saints' names.
• Discover that the keypad doesn't work with XM - you have to use the "forward" button.
• Convince yourself as you drive home that the signal just now reached your car; it was not, in fact, working all along while you drove around like a jackass pushing the wrong buttons.

See? Piece of cake.

I Am Nostalgic for the Delightful Circus Circus Buffet

I'm still exploring all the channels, which play specific categories of music and have names like "Spa," "Lithium" and "The Joint" (which, BTW, exhibits no connection to the expected BBQ rib joint, but rather plays non-stop reggae...hmmm...).

I've already noticed, however, that a couple of wedges of the ol' demographic pie have been sorely overlooked. Here are my suggestions for additional music channels, which I will be forwarding to the XM folks post haste:

• Milk Duds - Tunes tailored to the lactose-intolerant lifestyle.
• The Hammer - Non-stop music from "Smokey & The Bandit"
• Club Yoda - Trance/trip-hop music crafted from the motion-picture soundtracks of the "Star Wars" movies
• Buzzkill - 24-hour public policy debates
• The Cougars' Den - An invigorating mix of music, club listings and skin-firming tips for today's predatory female in the prime of mid-life
• Strudel - Hot polka hits of yesterday and today

Whoops, that's the timer on my toaster oven telling me my TV dinner's ready. I'm off to the garage now to spend me some quality time lounging in the ol' ride because nothing goes with Salisbury steak and carrot niblets like a couple hours of 80s hair bands.

Yesss.


Thanks to DiPaola Momma over at Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom for the Bag Tag. I'm supposed to show you a photo of the inside of my purse, but I can't 'till I file the serial number off my Glock which is floating around in there somewhere. You understand.

MuseSwings is in the middle of a mystery... Help track down the missing gemstone and win a gorgeous prize! Hurry...

And thank you to "Sunshine" at Writing Is Like...for this little gem: