Monday, January 5, 2009

Maroon = Quiet Desperation

I'm Sorry, But "Cement" Is Not a Color

I lovelovelove paper. And pens. And pencils. I'm powerless over fresh tablets and spiffy notebooks and crisp leads and razor-ti
pped felt pens. Yum.

I have my usual stores where I get my office-supply fix. If I'm really jonesing I can get by with a visit to Staples for bulk binging. I'm not proud of it, but when you need it you need it, yes? Then there are the really special stores, where I can spend hours poking through all the colored pencils and letterpress notes and little boxes to hold little clips and...well, you get the picture.

So the other day I was in one of these stores - one of the special ones - and I came across this piece of paper called a colorscope. It's beautiful - with a big grid of colors and a little description inside each one. The idea is that you stand back from the paper and pick your favorite color, then step closer and read what that color selection says about you.

So basically I get to indulge my paper passion and learn more about me?

I'm in.

But wait.

What is up with these descriptions?

Here's what the colorscope says about you if chocolate is your favorite color:

You are down to earth, comfortable with who you are and have a great ability to find joy in life. You don't take things personally, you rebound from failure, and you go for what you want.

Okay, do you know anyone who fits this description? Because I don't. And if I did, it would be difficult for me to form a true friendship with them since I'd be spending so much time wishing they would get gonorrhea.

A quick scan of the other boxes revealed that they, too, were peppered with annoying phrases like "easy to love," "inexhaustible energy" and "incredibly skilled at innovation."

What is that crap?

And where are they keeping this super-human race of color-coded kiss-ups designed to make the rest of us look like slouches?

I do not need this.

Therefore, I am blowing the lid off the colorscope c
onspiracy. Presenting:

The Crap-Free Guide to Favorite Colors and Their Meanings


You have a disturbing predilection for jumpsuits, made doubly so by the fact that you have a really long torso [ahem]. Your coworkers are pretty sure you've had work done, but can't figure out where, exactly. Your ideal mode of transportation is a Renault Le Car in electric green. Favorite Olympic sport: curling. Favorite animal: ocelot.


If given the choice, you would live in Des Moines. On the weekends, you often can be found in your garage, playing with your arc-welder. You have not yet broken it to your children that you lost their college money in offshore Internet gambling. You are known by all as a sympathetic listener - as long as the subject of roller disco does not come up. Favorite snooty art word: pointillism.


People admire you for your moist, healthy cuticles. Due to an FBI filing error, you have mistakenly been under surveillance since 1977. You would be a fantastic knitter, if only you'd give it a try. The guy with the mutton-chop sideburns and Sansabelt slacks who was always on your sofa when you were growing up is not really your dad. Secret fear: that the guy on the sofa is not really your dad.


When you hit 50, you will suddenly experience the uncontrollable urge to seal everything in your house with custom-fitted plastic covers. You like the idea of making the world a better place, but what's the payoff for you, really? If you are a man, your preferred footwear is the zip-up, tasseled bootie. If you are a woman: same thing. Two words: mood swings.


Seriously, enough with the make-up - you look like you're in the Kabuki theatre. You like to hide your sensitive side, to the point that children and animals both growl at you on the street. Yet people love to be around you because of your okra-cooking skills. You have a secret dream to be a podiatrist. Or a foot-fetishist. Depends on which pays better.


Everything you own is argyle. You once accidentally ate a sea anemone at the beach. Everyone admires your housekeeping, but then they've never opened the third door in the hallway, have they? You believe the glass is half full, but you also believe it has a lipstick smudge on it. It's time to learn to swim. I can't tell you why right now, but trust me: it's time. Secret fear: Disneyland.


You are overly proud of your tractor and your neighbors despise you for it. Don't worry, everyone else gets Ava and Zsa Zsa confused, too. Your are unlucky at love and even unluckier at cards. However, you kick ass at the dog track. Favorite song: "Turkey in the Straw." Favorite gemstone: CZ. It's all going to end in Vegas in the penthouse suite of Bob Stupak's Stratosphere, but it'll be pretty fun up until then.
In the Meantime...

...it's not too late to nominate your favorite blogs in all categories for the
2009 Bloggie Awards. Deadline for nominations is January 12 at 10:00 pm Eastern.

...thanks to
Janna for the Lemon Drop Martini Award!

...and thanks to K at
Interstitial Life for the A Hoy Award for Best Comedic Performance!

131 comments:

Liz said...

Love it!! And you are right on the money, too. Scary, eh? My fave color is yellow... you said "You would be a fantastic knitter, if only you'd give it a try." That is SO ME! That and the FBI surveillance thing but I'm not allowed to talk about that...

American in Norway said...

OMG... you are too freaking F U N N Y! I know I have been MIA... but I am back & have really missed you! (OK, that sounds a little creepy doesn't it?)

Chase said...

I was happy to read my "GREEN" Crap-free Colorscope.

But then I got pretty depressed. I'm not entirely sure why. (something to do with the un-contained clutter in my room, likely)

This made me angry. Real angry. Tear-down-the-mosquito-net, fit-of-rage angry.

But don't fret. It ended in a bout of solitary giggles.




My feet are cold...Where are my boots?

IB said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning. The first real working day of '09 will be a wee bit brighter because of it.

IB

The Wife O Riley said...

I've read that one for purple once before. If my recovered memory is correct is was what the school psychologist wrote in my permanant record in the second grade.

I nominated you for the best African blog, that's the right one, right?

Comedy Goddess said...

And the sad thing is that there are people who would love their assessment and regale everyone they know with how delightfully high spirited they are. Yours are closer to reality. With the exception of Green.

Text Imps said...

Well, since you didn't do black, I went with the grey. And except for Turkey in the Straw, you pretty much have me pegged. Kinda disturbing really...

My First Kitchen said...

I'm crying, Anna. In Panera. Crying from laughing. STOP. DOING. THIS. If I could have a fraction of your comic genius, I'd totally try stand-up. For real. Nicely done, my friend. I'm standing and clapping. In my head of course because I already look like enough of a fool.

michelle said...

Well, except for the sea anemone thing (it was sea weed, and I thought it was spinach but that is for a post on my own blog on another day....) you got me about as purple as can be! It is nice to finally be understood for who I really am :o)

Heather said...

Oh Anna, how I *heart* you. You just totally lifted me out of my Post-New-Year's, Whinging Because I'm So Damn Fat Funk.

*mwah*

Thanks for that! I had been maroon, but now I think I'm more green. Well, maybe not kelly green, but more of a chartreuse.... :)

wenderful said...

My favorite was "If you had a choice, you'd live in Des Moines". I don't know why.
Always look forward to reading you!

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Can I say for the millionth time, that you are FUNNY?!!!!!!
Thanks, I needed that.
:)

Joanna said...

Bwhahaha! That's awesome. And you did nail a few people I know - spooky.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Perhaps you could sell your color pallet? People always need a laugh. Good stuff Anna!

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Another fantastic post which had me tying my neck in knots laughing!

I too love going round stationery stores ... I collect all the things you mention; pens, feltpens, storage systems to keep them in, and my favourite - ring-binder files, hundreds, in a whole range of colours and patterns.

However, this brings me to the thing which is slightly worrying me - I don't have a favourite colour! What does that say about me? Perfectly balanced ... or vacuous?!

Jay Amabile said...

yellow made me laugh...but I am definitely a blue...

RachelW said...

I love it!! This is so much better... maybe you should get into the business of fortune cookies, too?

Eudea-Mamia said...

You amaze me woman.

"Making bloooooooog, out of nothing at all...Making Blog!"

Santa brought the Oldest an art set that includes 200 different pieces. Crayons, oil pastels, water colors, cute mini markers...salivate. Is it wrong to covet your child's toys?

Voted for you in every category - accept for Best Kept Secret blog - I voted for myself. Ego much?

(How I wish you WERE my sister-in-law!! Holiday get togethers would be so much more fun.)

jennifersusan said...

so what if i was to say that I lean more towards the chocolate persuasion?? hmmm...okay maybe not (or am i?).
I'm definitely a rainbow kinda gal though...I have had FBI serveillance (okay, I've made really poor man choices over the years), and I know I'd be a great knitter if I learned, Disneyland does freak me out (but only because i'm a native floridian). oh, you get the picture.

K said...

I love office supplies. My husband often makes fun or me for my little obession. The best part of the new year is picking out a new planner.

I'm a blue girl myself. I personally think it's scarier when I do reveal my "senstive side" - nobody likes tears.

Divine Chaos said...

hmmph! I love chocolate and I fit the description too. 'cause I'm just awesome like that ...
well .. except for the comfortable part, and not taking things personally.

ok ok .. i'm more of a green girl ~le sigh~ I need to start looking for plastic covers and tassels (maybe the stick-on kind though, i don't really like tasseled booties)

My Side of the Story! said...

My GOD! It's like you looked right into my soul with that "Blue" description.

My okra-cooking skills ROCK, I'll have you know!

And now at least I know that my new web stie www.feetthatsmelllikecornchips.com is going to be a HUGE success!

Great post as always!!!

Later Tater ;)

Rhea said...

Those are really great...you need to write horoscopes. hehe Boy would you have fun with that.

Queenie said...

you are too funny. thanks for the guffaws today. i needed them!

Mandy said...

LOL... Can't decide which color I like the most. :)

perfectlycursedlife said...

I have the same obsession! Paper, pens, staples, anything office related is beautiful to me.

And this post was hilarious! Love the blog!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I like purple but I will take the quiet desperation of maroon as the title suggest. Can I offer the color of corpse: This color says that you enjoy crying and fondling manboobs.

Reddirt Woman said...

Hmmm .. I figured that orange would mean you have a propensity for criminal behavior since that seems to be the "haute colore" for inmates.

April said...

My favorite color is red, but I'm more of a combination of green and blue. That makes red, right?

angie said...

Happy New Year. You were missed while I was on my bloggy holiday! :)

Mama H said...

Great post! If I am more of a turquoise girl, what does that mean? Schizophrenia perhaps? Hmmmm....

only a movie said...

Hysterical. "Favorite snooty art word: pointillism" LOL.
Thanks so much for making us smile - off to vote now.

Jeanne said...

Where on God's green earth (oh my God -- green! God's a greenie!) do you come up with this stuff? Don't they have drug laws where you live?

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Can I have blue as my favorite color and still wear jumpsuits?

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Shonda Little said...

What if you love all the colors equally? That's what my four year old insists. God, I'm gonna spend a fortune in therapy.

Beth said...

Ok. I want to know who would pick brown as their favorite color.

Funny blog!

Blissful Babe said...

I think I am somewhere between yellow and gray. Gawd, whatta pukey color THAT would be if it got mixed! No wonder I'm so jacked up.

I, too, have an office supply fetish. Is there a support group for this??

If not, think we should start one?

Nah. I'm okay, you're okay.

Swirl Girl said...

Oh I am green alright. Approaching 50 in a few years and I already have a furniture sized Daisy Seal-A-Meal ready to start the plasticoating.

...although I hope the boots aren't suede. I don't trust anyone in unstructured suede boots.

MuseSwings said...

HLAB (howling like a banshee) Apparently I'm a bluish yellowy green person. Thanks for the crap free telling it like it is. The arc welding thingie- is the penchant more towards mig or tig?

Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

I am totally a green.

trogblog said...

Have you ever listened to Turkey in the Straw....AWWWE-SOMMMME!

Panda Mime said...

I picked gray, and it's true! They see me rollin' in my tractor and they be hatin'. It's cool though. I just turn up my "Turkey in the straw" mega mix cassette and turn the other cheek.

nikkicrumpet said...

I swear..your brain is on another planet...ney...another galaxy! I do love getting the benefit of the giggles when I read you...so don't come back to earth anytime soon!

Tessa said...

ZippityDOdaa! You have given me a new lease on life. This is my new Color Code for Living Exceptionally Well. Tanks, dahlink...mwah.

Yaya said...

Lol that was hilarious!
And true. I often catch people looking at my cuticles with cuticle envy. Eat yer hearts out!

momto1 said...

I haven't been by in a bit--hell, I haven't been by many blogs in a bit--but stopped by because I love your comment on SITS and realized that I hadn't been by. Your comment made me smile--on an otherwise really yucky Tuesday.

Then I realized that it is stupid that I haven't stopped by in such a long time--you are so funny (which, I see you've been told many times) but truly, you are. And for the record: I love the line about wishing gonorrhea on the person whose description matches that of the lover of the color chocolate.

And also, for the record, as per your Crap-free Colorscope guide, my favorite color is Green. The scary thing is, I already buy those vaccuum seal plastic bags to store my clothes in when they are out of season....I guess you were on the nose there. I do not, however, wear booties of any sort.

Andy said...

I never knew I had a foot fetish until now.
This answers so many questions.

rachael said...

Oh too funny, I am going to keep hold of that color list for future reference. :)

the mama bird diaries said...

Brilliant. This is the first horoscope/colorscope thing I've ever enjoyed.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

You know what? You really had me going there for a minute. I was completely falling for it until I hit yellow. That's when I realized, like all the snake oil astrologers out there, you were just taking us for a ride. You're just trying to get us to buy into your "color" theories in order to support your "Save The Alpaca" campaign and I'm not going to be another sucker. So pack up your little gypsy tent and hit the road, Missy. We have children here.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Purple - I'm definitely purple...

WA said...

I think you should seriously set up a Anna's Color Reading shop at the Malibu Country Mart. Goldie Hawn & David Geffen would make you RICH.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

But where's black? Or maybe I'll pick red and imagine a body so hot that my non-existent coworkers wonder what work I had done...

Janna said...

I love purple and am scared of Disneyland. Colorscope, you so KNOW me and my inner demons.

Seriously, thank you for all of the great blogs! I love them, even though you're about to get me fired from my job with all the random bursts of laughter from my office.

Reluctant Housewife said...

That's great! YOu should write those professionally.

I have an award for you at my blog.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Totally awesome, but what if your favorite color is pink? Should I just jump under a bus and save myself the trouble?

And by the way, is there a category in the Bloggies for best blog about dildos? If so, can you nominate me please? Thanks a bunch.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Good Lawd Girl - you make me pee. Is that a part of red you forgot to mention? found you through Adventures of a Reluctant Housewife.

AndreaLeigh said...

Love it! I hate those crap "pick so-and-so and learn about yourself" mumbo jumbo in magazines. It's all such bull. Your description and hilarious!

horatio salt said...

Boy, you've got me nailed. My favorite color is red and I've had some work done. My nose is now orange, which is fitting, because I do live in Des Moines, where I've been living under the witness protection program while I knit a yellow sweater. I am a man, and I get hot for gals wearing a zip-up green hot pants that barely cover their booty. I admit it, I do have a bit of a foot fetish involving blue toenail polish. I make my own wine, which is why there are six tons of half-squished purple grapes behind the third door in my hallway. And I've recently been incarcerated for driving my tactor through a gray cement wall in a casino in Vegas to prevent George Clooney from making Oceans Fourteen.

Jack Payne said...

I have no idea of what you are talking about.

But...it is BRILLIANT.

Hairline Fracture said...

Mine is green, and your description is right on the money. As soon as I get some tasseled booties, anyway.

squaredonut said...

I wish you'd done puce. I love puce. If you puke on puce it hardly shows at all (if you're drinking red wine).
I love your blog so much I nominated you in two categories. It would be so awesome for me if you won, I could say, "Hey, she won that blog thing and I KNOW her. I READ her blog." Yep, that would be so awesome for me. So wish me luck, I hope you win!

Braja said...

That chocolate description? Utter bullshit.

Gee I hope that swear word doesn't spoil your G Rating...

Laura said...

I am sooo purple

Laura said...

I am sooo purple

TC said...

Hey, I can play Turkey in the Straw on the harmonica, does that mean gray is my favorite color?? I hope not because I do indeed "have a secret dream to be a podiatrist. Or a foot-fetishist." Don't believe me? http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y282/tcfromky/flip-flops.jpg

bb mcclain said...

Wait a minute, something's wrong here. My fav is gray and I don't even own a tractor.

Sabrae Carter said...

I'm definatly the chocolate! :)

Temite said...

so like my favorite color is PINK! and you didnt have it on here. I am most definetely NOT AMUSED! )I keed I keed(. That was hilariouuuuuus!

dizzblnd said...

Great.. at 50, I will have plastic covered crap.. mood swings.. meh already have those they are hereditary.. you get them from your family

Grand Pooba said...

Mine is yellow.

You really hit the nail on the head wit that one!!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

I'm incredibly skilled but it's not at innovation...if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

WheresMyAngels said...

Oh I love it!

Lizzie said...

this is so great! you miss smarty pants :)

Ronnica said...

I think you're on to something here. I bet you could sell this for some good money!

bernthis said...

Okay, this is pure genius. It would take me forever to come up with something as good as this, and I'm not sure if forever would even give me enough time.

MommyTime said...

This post made me laugh out loud. For real. (Not that fake LOL stuff.) Thank you for that!

SWC said...

Hey girl, I am sure that you have been told this 1,000 times: you have a way of tapping into the universal knowledge and sharing the mysteries of the cosmos in language that is easy to grasp. Thank you for my free 'scope.

Eve said...

My favorite color is black, not sure what that says about me! LOL

http://allaboutmeandabagofchips.typepad.com/

Jamie said...

Have a GREAT SITS day!

San said...

*gasp!* However did you guess with my secret obsession with jumpsuits! Hahaha! I loved this!

Tiffany said...

Too funny!!! Stopping in from SITS!!! Enjoy your day :-)

KC Mom said...

Visiting from sits...Bravo...you nailed it!

Joy said...

Too too funny. Where can I get tickets for the live show?!

Rhea said...

colorscope conspiracy. I always knew there was one. Thank you for confirming my worst fears.

You are hilarious.

sandy said...

Very funny! Thanks for the laughs!

Kathy said...

You had me at the pens...

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

I know I read this post when you posted it, I thought for sure I must have commented on it, but alas, I must have been distracted by bright shiny objects... :) Based on your descriptions, I think I'm going to have to change my favorite color... LOL!

Happy SITS Day! :)

Astrid said...

Both hubby and I had to laugh at this post!
Happy SITS day!

Willo said...

Ha ha ha! Looks like I am moving to Des Moines.

Preston said...

I picked green and I'm 48. I'm worried because will slip covers work if the sofa is already dirty? (I have two dogs and I'm a guy so you tell me which is worse? Hmmm?) Happy SITS day!

blueviolet said...

LMAO. You are insanely funny.

Blue Castle said...

How did you know about my fear of Disneyland? It's all those weird people lurking under their seemingly harmless costumes.

Creative Junkie said...

I have to say, reading your blog was the perfect way to start my Monday morning!

Thrifty and Chic Mom said...

I like your colorscope better!

Karen said...

Hey, who told YOU about our third bedroom? Crap.

ScrappinAway said...

Ok, so I am going to have to pick a new favorite color. Because I totally don't want to cover my sofas with plastic at 50, LOL, too funny girl!

Coffee with Cathy said...

Hilarious! I love that you take what everybody else thinks and make it even better. Please keep it up!

Erika said...

This is too freakin' funny!! Congrats on your SITS feature!

Charmaine said...

haha - that was great!

Lisa M said...

Dropped in from SITS. You are too funny lol.

I have always wondered where they get the wierdos for those other color scopes. Your's were much more insightful ;)

Shalee- Be Speechless said...

Wow you are an awesome blogger! I love reading them! I will be sticking around!

Jacie said...

too funny!

What A Card said...

Wow, you really nailed me with that "orange" one. Who knew you could tell fortunes via favorite colors?

Betsy said...

Stopping by from SITS.

This post was HILARIOUS!!

xoxoxo

Jennifer P. said...

oh me oh my I do love you! :)

But please don't hate me because my favorite color IS a chocolate brown and I was thinking: "wow--what an accurate description". But, hey!, I like green too and am so down with tassled booties :).

Enjoy your SITS day! I didn't think that I needed a bojillion and ONE blogs to follow, but I do think I am making you that ONE....

AmEz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Xazmin said...

You are too, too funny! How's a blogger to complete with that? Or even come marginally close?

Alicia @ Oh2122 said...

My fave color is red, and I do love curling!

I think it's a hoot and the uber-serious Canadians crack me up.

{april kennedy} said...

I'm a chocolate! Thanks for not messing with it!

Tori C. (The Sweet Jelly Bean) said...

Cement? BOL!!

Kendra said...

LMAO...to funny! Happy SITS day.

Sarah said...

Happy SITS day...you are so freakin' hilariuos!

Jennifer said...

What happened to pink?! haha! This was funny! I'm glad i found SITS last night, I'm finding really cool blogs!

Blicky Kitty said...

DADDY! ***runs off sobbing***

Sherrie said...

LOVE it! Happy SITS day to you!

Bebe said...

Hi Anna,
Okay, it's official...I'm now "following" you!! Your writing and humor are absolutely wonderful! I like it, I love it, I want to read more of it!!
Hugs, Bebe :)

Diva Scrapper said...

OMG..I'm roflmbo...too funny. I think I might be Yellow or Blue...maybe I'm Green...yikes!

jubilee said...

Oh, my goodness. I was laughing so hard at all the randomness. I did stop laughing when my husband's eyebrows shot up in a "She's on the money" kind of way. My fav color: green.

Kimm at Reinvented said...

Wow. Where do you come up with this stuff? Hilarious. And I thought I only like decorating blogs.

mrsbear said...

Green, definitely green. You are a comedic genius. Congrats on the SITS feature, it was a pleasure reading.

{Katie Lane} said...

I like notepads and pens. Not so fond of your color descriptions though, I so do not like jumpsuits. LOL!

Tanielle said...

My favorite color is yellow, thanks for teaching me more about my self. TOO FUNNY!

Stesha said...

What about Pink?

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

Rachael said...

Hilarious! I am also a pen hoarder, I love pens and fancy cards and stamps and paper.

Quiskaeya said...

ROFL you are too funny. I love green so glad that I'm in the crap-free zone. lol

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Oh my gosh, love it!

Rae Ann said...

I love the glass half-full but with lipstick on it. That is SO me!

Michelle said...

I was really starting to hope that my favorite color wasn't listed. Nope, it was there ;) And glass half full with the lipstick smudge -- yep, that about describes it!

Fiery said...

Your Color Scope soudns much more real then the one you found.

Vickie said...

Oh no, my color is green. I don't like slip covers. I am in trouble when I become old.