Thursday, March 5, 2009

I Can't Believe You're Returning The Kilt I Gave You.

It Was That Or A George Foreman Grill

Jon Bon Jovi's birthday is getting tougher every year. See, we've been together a long time now and, frankly, I've run out of gift ideas.


He's not the kind of guy who accumulates "stuff." He's not a "shopper."


I find this "annoying."

So when I was driving the other day and saw a man standing on the corner wearing a kilt, I was overjoyed. (Yeah, that came out weird for me, too.) Ahem. I mean, it gave me an idea for a gift for Jon Bon Jovi. Because you know what? I'm flippin' positive he doesn't own a kilt.

And why not, I ask?

As I idled at the red light and observed the fellow on the corner (who, BTW, was not some wizened extra from "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" but rather an athletic-looking fellow in his late 20s/early 30s who probably designs games for Electronic Arts or produces indie films), it struck me that the urban sport kilt's time has come, for several reasons:
  • With the onset of global warming, the kilt provides critical ventilation to combat mustiness.
  • The kilt removes the need to agonize over whether to wear boxers or briefs, thus streamlining one's morning routine.
  • The kilt finally makes accessible to men one of life's pure and simple pleasures: twirling.
All of which fell on deaf ears when Jon Bon Jovi tore off the Smurfs wrapping paper and uncovered his bitchin' new kilt.

"You got me a skirt?"

"It's not a skirt. It's a kilt. It's manly."

"It's pleated."


"You say that like it's a bad thing."


"I thought kilts were plaid."

"This is an urban sport kilt. The next generation. It also comes in camouflage."

"Please tell me there's a gift receipt."

"I tucked it in one of the knee socks." [sigh] "At least hold it up so I can see what it would look like."

[Jon Bon Jovi grudgingly complies.]

"See? That looks awesome!"

"I look like a stewardess."

"Don't your people come from Scotland?"


"My people come from Nebraska. Where men wear pants."


"I can't believe I married an anti-kiltite."

"I've got nothing against kilts in context. You know, next to a castle. Or on a moor. Is it 'moor' or 'bog?'"

"But kilts are cool! Axl Rose. Sting. Very sexy. And how about ferocious, huh? The Scots are some of the fiercest warriors around. Remember Mel Gibson with his blue face in 'Braveheart?' He was one bloodthirsty plaid-pleated dude." [shudder]

"I'm not wearing a kilt to Peet's. Or Costco. Or back-to-school night. Or the office. I am not going to get my tires changed in what looks like something that was loaned to me by Marlo Thomas!"

"Sshh! What are you, nuts?" [Looks over shoulder.] This is L.A., man...Mel Gibson could be anywhere..."

Note: No Scotsmen were harmed in the writing of this post and I really do love kilts.



You have to see this over at The Hussy Housewife's place! She's gone and made an awesome music video using the mugs of all the humor bloggers over at HumorBloggers.com. Righteous video and super-funny blog!

Who's More Awesome?
Walter's blog is killing me with the comparisons. Sanitation Man vs. Fireman? Batman vs. Wolverine? Stop it. Oh, and the categories of competition are always the same: archery, racing, chess, fighting, wine tasting, pie eating and swimsuit. The post I just read pits, um, female privates against male privates. I kid you not. Man, I love the blogosphere!

And thank you
to Mary at Adventures of Mommy Maestro for this lovely award!

93 comments:

derfina said...

I'm still giggling over "The kilt finally makes accessible to men one of life's pure and simple pleasures: twirling."

Is that what we're calling it now???

Grand Pooba said...

Oh that is perfect! Thank you thank you, I'm always trying to find good presents for my hubby's bday!

The Retired One said...

For a moment there, it sounded like Dr. Seuss.
I wear no kilt, no kilt I wear, I shan't wear any underwear
Under there.

LMAO! That was a really cute post. And I think Bon Jovi should GO FOR IT!

Anna Liffen said...

There are not enough kilt-wearing men in the world!

Lesha said...

My husband is a total Kilt-ite! He has three of those plus a real plaid kilt too. He even won Utilikiltarian of the month last summer. I hand made a baby kilt for our son to leave the hospital in.

Kilts on men are SEXY!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Falling out of my chair this morning reading this kiltie stuff.... Hubby would not only think I had lost my mind if I brought one home to him... he would KNOW for a fact that I have!

LOL
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Paula aka. Zani said...

Oh wow.. yeah who can resist a man in a kilt? Really? And the pic of Vin there in his stylin' kilt... just YUM!!!

Men just need to understand.. some of us actually like knees.. and of course the possibility of easy gropage.

Did I say that outloud.. or in my head? *blushes*

Well.. I'm just sayin'... Yum. *grins*

blognut said...

I think men in kilts look hawt. HAWT. But they do have to be masculine looking men, or they just look like Tootsie.

Walter said...

If only you lived in the highlands and ate haggis the gift might have worked. And is that Vin Diesil in a kilt?
Thanks again for the blog plug (such a bad verb for the context). It's much appreciated.

skywind said...

Oh, the Scottish skirt, Scotland Male, brave heart, the heart of Freedom. :)

Health is the Greatest Happiness & The World at The Present

Laoch of Chicago said...

Nice Marlo Thomas reference. One does not often see "that girl" mentions these days.

From a male perspective wearing a kilt signifies to the world that you are ready to fight to the death today. Perhaps a bit extreme for a trip to Target.

ZenMom said...

It takes a very secure man to wear a kilt. :)

Frank said...

I had to recheck your profile to see how I got into a UK blog… I swear the gray kilt looks like the legs from the little boy in Mary Poppins. (That sounded creepy.)

Frau said...

OMG I love it! I asked my Husband would you wear a kilt..he said WTF! Hell No! Sorry I'm married to a anti kilt-tite too.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

I have a friend who participated in the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk (where you walk 60 miles over 3 days) by wearing--a kilt!

I kid you not.

Bee and Rose said...

I am a kilt lover myself! My husband being the nerdanderthal that he is, would wear it commando proudly with his "spank my monkey" shirt. He really is a show-off.

The Great Fox Hating Potentate said...

I wore a kilt to my high school grad, and I'll probably wear one to my wedding. I've already threatened to make my groomsmen wear kilts in my tartan.

But I don't twirl.

Grrr.

:D

Andy said...

I wore a kilt for a musical once. It let in a nice draft, but, surprisingly, was extremely hot because of the wool. I don't recommend it.

DiPaola Momma said...

First.. wholy farging snit Ugly Bat Boy (I would have said girl but I'm baiting you to look up that name on YouTube, you'll thank me) nix on the kilt love?! Aside from the validity lent to your argument with the Vin Dessel pic, there is the OBVIOUS plus of personally being able to answer the age old question "what does a scottsman wear under his kilt?"..I for one would pay to have that mystery solved for me, in person ofcourse. Secondly, do I smell? Be honest babe, I can take it. Should I give up the last link to Curt and trade in TeenSpirt for Clinical strength? I ask because for some reason you dropped me, or blocked me or are just talking behind my freakin' back beehatch, cuz I ain't getting your feed anymore. What's up with that esse?!

DiPaola Momma said...

what the heck happend to my comment? That's it I'm dummping your be-stashed ash..:D

bb mcclain said...

I wouldn't wear a kilt to a dog fight, even for the sake to battle mustiness. Talk about being snickered at!

I wonder if kilts would be considered "business casual"?

KekeLynn said...

I love it! Men definatey have to be secure in their masculinity to wear one... but I love a handsome man in a kilt!!!

Comedy Goddess said...

Going commando under the kilt is definitely sexy. I think JBJ is not considering the possibilities.

David said...

As a Jon Bon Jovi fan (who isn't) I would love to see a photo of him in a kilt, so I could feature it on my site at http://www.your-kilt.com

If such a photo exists I would pay dearly for it.

Kind regards,

David.

K said...

Thanks for the gift idea.

The hubby birthday is coming up soon...

Poetikat said...

Maybe if you threw in a sporran with the package (Freudian slip, there) he'd be more inclined to find it cool!
So, if he won't wear it in public, perhaps you can use it to act out your suppressed fantasy for Mel (pre-drunken, anti-semitic Mel, of course)! I'm thinking "Gallipoli".

Kat

nikkicrumpet said...

hehe I feel cheated we didn't get a photo of him and his new kilt. And the "twirling" line made me lose it!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

See, my husband just doesn't have the gams to pull it off. You're so lucky.

My Side of the Story! said...

Let's get together. I'll put on my kilt and your hubby can put on his and we'll put on a production of Brigadoon.

We'll be like the Our Gang kids... "Come on fellas, let's put on a show!"

Becky just got me a Snuggie and yelled out, "Just put it on! I wanna be happy like the TV commercial family!" LOL

Later Tater

Poetikat said...

Matt (at My Side of the Story) is that the thing that looks like some Primary-Coloured Monks'robe? They look happy because they're part of a cult!

Kat

Imogen Lamport said...

If kilts come in a big way will I have to start writing them into corporate dress codes? Is there a correct hem length? What happens when men decide to do the mini kilt and since they are sans underwear we start seeing dangly bits?

The mind reels!

Thanks for the morning laugh Anna!

xx

Shelly... said...

Hmmm...a kilt. Now there's a gift idea I haven't thought of! Don't think I could get hubby to wear it though.

HumorSmith said...

What a wuss, man. I would be proud to wear a kilt. Well, except of course for the whole tenting thing, but I could always enter rooms walking backward.

Mary Moore said...

What a great idea! I have the same problem!! And my husband has nice legs and doesn't usually wear underwear, so that would work wonderfully!!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

and you jDON'T want to be messin' with Mel!
Twirling - I love it!

Rizzo said...

George Foreman Grill > Kilt

only a movie said...

With the onset of global warming, the kilt provides critical ventilation to combat mustiness.

That's just brilliant, Anna.

And I am almost got lost in Who's More Awesome blog. Ack. Too funny.

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Brilliant! I so love the way you've written this.

(I wonder if I would look good in a kilt? I'll ask Maureen - maybe she'll buy one for my next birthday ...)

Lizzie said...

"i do not like green eggs and ham, i do not like them Sam I AM"

"try them, try them, and you may, you may like green eggs and ham"

For some reason i see your conversation going something like this :)

i LOVE this gift idea, i too struggle with gifts for my hubby, but not this year!! He's scottish, i'll be sure to tell him it was YOUR idea :)

Marinka said...

Aww. Has he started menstruating yet?

Beth Kephart said...

Does JBJ have great knees? I need to know, so that I can picture this.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Thanks for the blog ♥love♥. Glad you enjoyed the video. I twas fun to make.
I have seen these kilts. Kinda sexy I thought. Maybe for just around the house??

WhisperingWriter said...

This cracked me up.

If I got my husband a kilt for his birthday he'd probably confuse it as a sign that I wanted to introduce another woman in the bedroom.

"Really? A skirt? Is this your way of telling me that..."

"No Tom. It's a KILT!"

Then he'd be crushed and I'd go into a rant on how I'm good enough for him and that I'm insulted that he doesn't agree. So it's just best that I never try to give him one. Oh well.

Beth said...

I had a friend who wore a kilt at times. Now he lives in a special hospital. Maybe the kilt was to blame.

Gladys said...

I saw an old guy in a kilt the other day and it's like nine degrees below zero. Tell Mr. Bon Jovi that it takes balls of steel to wear a kilt in that kind of weather!

*mary* said...

Kilts rock! Sorry your awesome git went unappreciated.

If I were a dude I would prefer a kilt over a Geprge Foreman grill (or a Snuggie) any day! Maybe that's because I'm vegetarian though.

Chaka said...

I think Scots and Islanders have a pass to wear "skirt like apparrel" but it doesn't work for most other men. It also wouldn't hurt to accessorize with bagpipes.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Kilts to let the boys airdry from their musty caves. Great idea. If that can be considered work casual at companies, you might have a movement here, as big as LA Gears in their prime!

Nicole said...

You almost killed me you know? I almost choked on my pizza just now. That was so freakin funny. Only becasue I was picturing my hubbys face in that conversation! LOL
My contest started today, stop by and enter!

the mama bird diaries said...

i see you two in matching kilts.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

OOh, I like twirling! But you do know that the real Scotsman wears nothing under there, right? So would you really want him to show his wares so publicly? A great post, Anna!

Janna Bee said...

Hi Anna,

I featured this post in my Friday Favorites! Thanks for the laughs!

Belle said...

You've given me a great idea for Groucho's next birthday. How can I ever thank you. That was a rhetorical question.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Urban kilts, leather kilts--it's all good.

BTW, I've nominated you the Feb. ROFL award at Oh, The Joys place for your post on increasing school funding. Congrats!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahaha, I would love to see the look on my husband's face if I got him a quilt. He scoffed when I bought him a SCARF last Christmas. Nuff said.

Pearl said...

Oh, that was beautiful. I laughed out loud several times, something I rarely do.
:-)
You rock, Anna.
Pearl

Always Home and Uncool said...

Having been to Nebraska many times, I can tell you it's overalls or nothing. Literally, nothing. Bottomless farming is all the rage there.

bernthis said...

Fuck, I forgot about Bon Jovi and I was just at Target and standing right in front of the pot holder section which I know would have been perfect for him

CDB said...

I think it will go really well with the Hip Sling With Belt Buckle.

Lea Ann said...

I danced with all the boys in skirts, um, er, kilts, in The Garage in Columbus, Ohio in 1985!

Lidian said...

Is being an anti-kiltite like being an anti-dentite?

I have a feeling that kilts would not go over too well at our house, either! :)

Found you via Just Because You Don't Need It & will be back!

Lidian

Gladys said...

Hey I tagged you for a Meme over at http://gladyspeaks.blogspot.com.

Guillaume G. said...

Wow. You should be put to jail. Seriously, giving a kilt as a gift to a man is going to have serious consequences.

Did you actually believe Scotsmen went from diapers to kilt in a day or two? That you could just MAKE A CHOICE between pants and kilts? That it was simple? My, my.

I won't get into this, but trust me, ... no evil deed goes unpunished ... Mwhahaha!

Ahem. Not sure what I meant. The kilt must have confused me in some way :D

Oh, by the way, nice gift idea ^_^

Debbie said...

Pleasing a man is just almost impossible!

Coffee with Cathy said...

I've never thought about adding "kilt" to the list of possible husband gifts but now I definitely will. And they say that blogging is a way of time!

Joanie said...

Thanks for the chuckle, Anna! I"m tryng to imagine the covnersations I'd have with John if I bought him one. I know "No way in hell" would be a large part of it! Still, it's fun to think about it!

Jeanne said...

If I gave Old Dog something like that, I'd get kilt. Oh wait, he'd get kilt. Anyway, someone would.

TC said...

I thought your tilted kilt post was nuts till I clicked and read Who's More Awesome's. Sorry, no contest this time:
Walter - 1
Anna - 0

Kulio said...

aw, I WISH the husband would drag his kilt out of the closet again, just for kicks.

High kicks.

giggle.

Lisa said...

I love the idea. I'm sure in time, were kilts to truly become a fad, I would get over being distracted by all the possible clanging around going on down there.

Wendy said...

Sign me up for the "Kilts are Hawt" group, please. Do we get a free button to wear?

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

My sons are into kilts and bagpipes and knives. It's the manly man way...the Celtic way! Go with it!

Karen said...

Toooo funny !!! :-)

I love me a man in a kilt. It's my Scottish blood !!! :-)

Tessa said...

Oh Bonnie Bon Jovi! Tell him that you know a girl who is married to a man who wears plus fours when he shoots peasants...er...pheasants.

(And no, I'm not the pheasant plucker. I'm the pheasant plucker's wife.)

Barry said...

Being of Scottish heritage, while I don't own a kilt, I have worn one on several occasions.

Despite the snickering, it is manly and comfortable, once you get over the total self-conscious embarrassment.

And women seem to like it.

Mammatalk said...

A man in a kilt is a pretty sexy thing.

Thanks for supporting me during my writer's strike. Contract negotiations are over and I scored in a big way! Back to bloggin' again! :-)

Debby said...

My hubby is reminding me that he's GERMAN. Lederhosen?

CaraBee said...

Anti-kiltite might just be the funniest thing I've heard all week. I wholly support the wearing of kilts by all men because twirling? Is AWESOME.

jubilee said...

You had me at "annoying." BG

Hullaballoo said...

I loved this post. Coming from Scotterland, obviously I have ironic kilty men on my blog.

So pleased that no Scotsmen were harmed lol.

Tabitha Blue/Fresh Mommy said...

Hahahahahahaha, ok, I can just picture that whole scenario from your writing... thanks!!

:)
~Tabitha~

♥ Braja said...

Well as a first generation non-Scot (that means everyone before me, even brothers and sisters, were born in Scotland, but I was born in Australia), I am familiar with the pleasures of twirling. Hilarious post. You, as usual, rock the kilt....

La Belette Rouge said...

Call me crazy but I think that sexy men look sexy in kilts and that fat and unattractive gits look like fat and unattractive gits in them.

Jennifer P. said...

Last Summer I saw a man in the Dairy Queen wearing one and seriously wanted to take him home and do naughty things with him. If your husband doesn't want the kilt, pass it on over my way :) ....

Real Live Lesbian said...

Lesbians LOVE men in kilts. Just sayin'.

Barrie said...

"My people come from Nebraska. Where men wear pants." HA, HA, HA!! I am still laughing at this!

jennifersusan said...

I think men are afraid to twirl. I don't think they could handle twirling. Plus then they would have to put up with the whole.."hey, babe. What's under the skirt?". yea, maybe men aren't ready for the sport kilt. Nice try though.

Anna Russell said...

Oh, you got me with this post! I'm Scottish and I love nothing more than a hot man in a kilt.

Gone Crazy said...

This is seriously the funniest thing I've ever read, besides your pan flute post, that is. I would sell my soul (if I still had one, that is) to have comic genius even approaching your level. I'm also getting an urban sport kilt for my husband's birthday. I'll let you know how it goes if I'm still among the living.

Big Blue Frog said...

Kilts. Just the word makes me giggle. I'm so mature.

Joshua said...

I've got TWO kilts. One from school (Strathclyde University in Glasgow) and one with City of Glasgow tartan, along with formal jacket, sporran (Scottish man purse) and the other accoutrements of the well-dressed git. I used to wear 'em to the local Highland Games events, but alas I have grown (horizontally) and neither kilt fits anymore.
Maybe I'll have them altered...like my reality.

Susanna Bartee said...

My husband owns two kilt and has been a kilt model--seriously. Too funny! I rarely actually laugh out loud at the computer, but this did it. Hilarious reading on this snowy morning. Hope to meet you at the EBWW in April!

Susanna Bartee said...

I rarely actually laugh out loud at my computer but this did it. Hilarious reading on this snowy, catch-up-on-blogs morning. My husband owns two kilts and has even been a kilt model. I have to ask him nicely not to wear it to Home Depot. Looking forward to meeting you at the EBWW soon!