I Can't Believe You're Returning The Kilt I Gave You.

It Was That Or A George Foreman Grill

Jon Bon Jovi's birthday is getting tougher every year. See, we've been together a long time now and, frankly, I've run out of gift ideas.

He's not the kind of guy who accumulates "stuff." He's not a "shopper."

I find this "annoying."

So when I was driving the other day and saw a man standing on the corner wearing a kilt, I was overjoyed. (Yeah, that came out weird for me, too.) Ahem. I mean, it gave me an idea for a gift for Jon Bon Jovi. Because you know what? I'm flippin' positive he doesn't own a kilt.

And why not, I ask?

As I idled at the red light and observed the fellow on the corner (who, BTW, was not some wizened extra from "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" but rather an athletic-looking fellow in his late 20s/early 30s who probably designs games for Electronic Arts or produces indie films), it struck me that the urban sport kilt's time has come, for several reasons:

• With the onset of global warming, the kilt provides critical ventilation to combat mustiness.
• The kilt removes the need to agonize over whether to wear boxers or briefs, thus streamlining one's morning routine.
• The kilt finally makes accessible to men one of life's pure and simple pleasures: twirling.

All of which fell on deaf ears when Jon Bon Jovi tore off the Smurfs wrapping paper and uncovered his bitchin' new kilt.

"You got me a skirt?"

"It's not a skirt. It's a kilt. It's manly."

"It's pleated."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I thought kilts were plaid."

"This is an urban sport kilt. The next generation. It also comes in camouflage."

"Please tell me there's a gift receipt."

"I tucked it in one of the knee socks." [sigh] "At least hold it up so I can see what it would look like."

[Jon Bon Jovi grudgingly complies.]

"See? That looks awesome!"

"I look like a stewardess."

"Don't your people come from Scotland?"

"My people come from Nebraska. Where men wear pants."

"I can't believe I married an anti-kiltite."

"I've got nothing against kilts in context. You know, next to a castle. Or on a moor. Is it 'moor' or 'bog?'"

"But kilts are cool! Axl Rose. Sting. Very sexy. And how about ferocious, huh? The Scots are some of the fiercest warriors around. Remember Mel Gibson with his blue face in 'Braveheart?' He was one bloodthirsty plaid-pleated dude." [shudder]

"I'm not wearing a kilt to Peet's. Or Costco. Or back-to-school night. Or the office. I am not going to get my tires changed in what looks like something that was loaned to me by Marlo Thomas!"

"Sshh! What are you, nuts?" [Looks over shoulder.] This is L.A., man...Mel Gibson could be anywhere..."

Note: No Scotsmen were harmed in the writing of this post and I really do love kilts.



You have to see this over at The Hussy Housewife's place! She's gone and made an awesome music video using the mugs of all the humor bloggers over at HumorBloggers.com. Righteous video and super-funny blog!

Who's More Awesome? Walter's blog is killing me with the comparisons. Sanitation Man vs. Fireman? Batman vs. Wolverine? Stop it. Oh, and the categories of competition are always the same: archery, racing, chess, fighting, wine tasting, pie eating and swimsuit. The post I just read pits, um, female privates against male privates. I kid you not. Man, I love the blogosphere!

And thank you to Mary at Adventures of Mommy Maestro for this lovely award!