Potentially Murderous SituationSo are you familiar with this whole PMS thing? I mean, I doubt it because you appear to be an extremely rational and calm person - certainly not someone likely to be buffeted by hormonal whitecaps.
I thought not.
I'm not familiar with it either.
(Jon Bon Jovi - known for his infinite wisdom and instinct for self-preservation - is the first to say my mental state is steady as a zen master's pool cue, month in and month out.)
In fact, I don't know anyone who has actual, first-hand knowledge of this alleged "syndrome" [snort], yet it's everywhere in our popular culture, is it not?
Everything from bad performance reviews to women running their husbands down with their Eldorados is attributed by one gender or the other to Pre Menstrual Syndrome. (I'll admit that those women who not only run over their husbands but then throw it in reverse and come at them from a fresh angle have got some tall explaining to do.)
And yet...
What if there is something to this notion? Crazy as it sounds, what if there exists a regular, repetitive pattern of moods and behaviors that can be linked directly to a woman's cycle of menses? Mind you, I'm not saying I buy into that and I'm certainly not saying that the date of this post has any particular significance...
But what if PMS is real?
Well, then, I say it needs a meme.
Therefore, here's what I imagine a PMS meme might be like if, you know, I'd ever had it:
The Meme of PMS
- I am at my most attractive when: my breasts feel like 50-pound bags of electrified rocks.
- If I get any more bloated, I'm going to need to: be tethered to the driveway with steel cables like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon.
- It would be unwise for a bystander or passerby to: come within striking distance of my bag(s) of Chili Cheese Fritos.
- When I have PMS, it can sometimes be difficult for me to: change ammo clips without frustration.
- During times of PMS, it is imperative that no one: be stupid within 50 feet of me.
- Why is my boss such a jackass? [Note: this is a freebie and can be used at any time during the month.]
- It's always safe to: tell me I'm pretty and/or rub my feet.
- Rule #7 can be revoked at any time without prior notice if: I think you're being insincere for personal gain and/or protection.
- This month's raging question: "Which one of you touched my car radio presets?" (Last month's question: "Which one of you hid my hatchet?")
- If you don't understand why I'm crying, then: You're dead inside, just as I always suspected.
- What I love most about breaking out is: that it makes me appreciate my crow's feet.
- The correct suggestion to help ease my atomic headache is NOT: "What you need is a little injection from Dr. Love."
New at the bookstore... My friend Kerry Karsian has just published a hilarious guide for parents of young children called PLAY NICE: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE FOR THE PARK, PLAYDATES, PARTIES, AND PRE-SCHOOL. This slim and highly entertaining volume will have you laughing, nodding in agreement...and plotting which family at your school will receive a much-needed anonymous copy.
Thank you to Florinda at The 3 R's: Reading, 'Riting and Randomness for including my list of mommy gang signs in her Saturday Round-Up post this week! Florinda's pad is a friendly, intelligent and well-read destination in the blogosphere - a favorite.
And thank you to the delightful Divine Chaos for this tasty morsel:
200 comments:
Surely you're not suggesting that I don't have PMS because I'm too old?!
I've heard of this "syndrome". If it does exist, I am thankful my wife has never been a sufferer.
IB
Holy crap. That was frickin' hilarious!
Holy heck, that was funny.
How did you think up such humorous symptoms to write about since, of course, these are non existent like unicorns and leprechauns.
This TOTALLY made getting out of bed worth it today!
Pass the chocolate.
Thanks for making me laugh this morning. That is honestly one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.
Hilarious Anna. Loved this post.
I do believe men have hormone cycles too. My husband has mood swings that are memeable.
You need this! http://www.amazon.com/Raging-Hormones-Unofficial-Survival-Guide/dp/B000GUTM2G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231772014&sr=1-1
It includes everything you need to know to survive - what to eat, carry in your purse, even exercises such as driving back and forth over your wedding dress. Your Meme is perfection except you said nothing about cleaning house with a hand grenade.
Really funny! Thanks for making me laugh when I really needed a good chuckles.
Yup, just part of the feminist-facist conspiracy conspiring against men...
WHAT? WHO said THAT??? (Revving chainsaw in one hand, wielding oreo bag in the other)
This is why I would totally love being a guy. Just scratch yourself and be done with it.
I will bookmark this to keep close at hand the next time Dr. Love comes a-callin' at the wrong time (of the month).
All I'd need to do is swap "Cheez Doodles" for "Chili Cheese Fritos" and I could totally claim this meme for my own. Well done once again, Anna! Hilarious and true!
I hate to admit it, but "What you need is a little injection from Dr. Love." is a really good line. Whoever said does all piggish men proud.
I'd take back PMS over Menopause any day... seriously. PMS goes away every month.. Menopause goes on and on and on and on and on and on......
lol!!! too funny!
Thanks for the shout-out to my shout-out :-)! And I think you're the record-holder for "Saturday Review" links now - or will be soon, when I include this one. Thanks, Anna!
Before I was forced into menopause I use to always say 'Which one of you'
When I got to the dead inside I fucking laughed my head off. The injection from Dr. Love has to come immediately the night before the onset of the period.
I love it and I love you.
Love Renee
Sorry me again. I also have to add when I saw that it needed a meme, I was like 'brilliant'.
Why did you have to post a picture of doughnuts?
(The post was hillarious BTW too bad I never get PMS)
mmm....chilli cheese fritos. Okay so if this mythical "syndrome" doesn't exsist then explain my husband. Because, of course, I would never experience such emotional unsteadiness.
Not that I have that mystical syndrome but.. err.. if I did.. it would sound suspiciously like that. *blinks innocently*
Hahaha, thanks for the laugh!
I also never suffer from this syndrome...right... ;)
I read somewhere that while we ladies have month "cycles", men's hormone cycles are measured in the seconds. So we just don't notice because they are continually PMSing (no change). I thought it explained a lot (world war, WWE, etc.)
love the mommy gang signs...
I guess the old one's just don't cut it anymore. I'll bring photos of these to put in our PTA bylaws at the monthly meeting ...if anyone shows up 'cuz you know how we women all get PMS at the same time....
I LUV #10!!!!
I just laughed enough to substitute for at least 300 crunches. You crack me up. I always felt so sorry for my son. Me and my two daughters had synchronized cycles. It must have been hell for him one week out of every month. Thanks for the laughs!
love the PMS meme, too bad it's all just an urban legend *wink wink*
PMS MEME. That's awesomely hilarious! I may have to take the bait!
Your delivery is impeccable. Thanks for the much needed laugh.
Dr. Love...injection...haha!
This meme could not have come at a better time, LOL!
Well, maybe not better, but certainly well-timed...
Good Gawd Girl - my PMS gets PMS. You kiddin me?!? The number one thing you should never, ever say to oh, say a wifeis: Is it THAT time of the month Honey - you seem a little edgy...
DOH!!!!!!
Hyfreakingsterical. Thanks, Anna. "You're dead inside" killed me. :-)
Um. PMS? Really? Must be strictly a west coast thing.
(ha, you genius, you)
I had to do a linky over here. I sure would hate for anyone to miss these last two posts! You are just waaaaay to good at this!
So that's why I feel like impaling other folks with the horn of my unicorn.
Oh, excuse me...I had to put down my bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and my hatchet to type...what is this PMS you speak of?
Here's one...don't you love it when, in the middle of an argument they stop and say,
"Wait a minute, are you getting your period?"
It's like it totally undermines every valid point you were beating into him.
why I oughta...
Oh how I loved this post! I agree with it 100% or at least I would if there was "PMS" hee hee hee!!
I tend to take the knives out of the house when such periods occur in our household but my wife and I always high-five when she gets her friend. We are not ready to be parents and it's always like Russian Roulette!
I think we are on the same cycle, cause I don't know anything about this phenomenon RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT either...
excuse me, my husband just looked at me funny and I have to go stick a fork in his eye.
HA! I swear I've read like 3 blogs today on PMS...maybe women bloggers all get PMS together, you know, like when women living together like moms and sisters PMS together....have you heard of that before? I swear I have. I've been crying like a fool for two days and it's got PMS written all over it!!!
"You're dead inside, just as I always suspected."
Sheer brilliance, my good woman!
A little injection from Dr Love?! I love it. ROFL
#7 It's always safe...To bring home a HUGE jug of wine and a big bag of Dove Chocolate.
#10 If you don't understand why I'm crying...You need to just pass the Jug'o Wine and BACK THE F*@% AWAY!
I didn't cry today because I have PMS. I cried today because Judge Judy was just REALLY MEAN to that meth dealing car salesman.
This goes a long way in explaining your monthly mention of chili cheese fritos. :) I knew something was going on there.
p.s. When I am not suffering from this totally bogus syndrome/affliction I NEVER succomb to cheddar-sour cream Cape Cod Potato Chips. Never.
I am so gonna do this meme...when everyone get's off my back about being on the damn computer!
Thanks for an awesome laugh! That is hilarious!
Truly true! PMS is the real deal. Men don't get it, but maybe they should for at least a day! Enjoyed your post!
Ah, yes! I do believe I have heard of this, and my husband is quite familiar with it as well.
The cool thing about menopause is, it doesn't limit itself to a few days a month! You can feel like this any or all days of the month! For years!
(So you've got THAT to look forward to, which is nice....)
sweet baby jesus, you KICKED ASS.
And, if I still had my uterus and those other fancy girlie parts, I'd be SO empathetic right about now.
I know I'm not the first person to ever experience it...but let it be known that I proudly milk it for all it's worth!
Hey Anna, I haven't been here in quite a while, but Nikki reminded me what a fun blog you have! Oh, how I loved your PMS meme!!!!!!!!
Justine :o )
Perfect explanation for why I climbed into bed last night with a half gallon of Rocky Road Ice Cream and a bottle of Hershey Syrup.
My hubby made the mistake of asking in his nicest voice, if it would be better if I put the ice cream in a bowl. We've been married almost 20 years....you would think he would have known to keep his mouth shut!
Thanks for the laugh ---Very funny post!
Oh, if that power could just be harnessed - your continued ability to make me laugh my bootie off.
Energy crisis (and my wide load) solved!
P.S. yes, both Hubs and I are Aggies, Fightin' Class of '93 - Whoop! Sorry, couldn't resist.
5. During times of PMS, it is imperative that no one suggest that I might be suffering from PMS!
Thanks... AGAIN... for the chuckle!
Soooo funny! Love it :)
This is awesome! ROFLMAO
Okay, so what do I call it on all the other days of the month when I think and behave this way?
OMG! This was my first time here, and I almost fell off my chair laughing so hard... Funny, funny stuff!!
let's toast with pamprin, I hear ya sister. that mommy etiquette book sounds good, will have to check out.
Oh I am so glad I am here. I had seen your funny profile pic around but was just having a hard time getting my ass over here. Now you'll see me a lot. I'm an LA mom too - I need all kinds of help in all kinds of mommy areas. I hope your blog is the answer to all of my mommy prayers. Is that too much pressure? :-)
love the meme, just reading it, you made me glad i'm a man!
but wait,,,
Does everyone get the injection line? The one I hear is a variation "you need a hot beef injection".
I don't think they know how repulsive they are, no matter how many times we tell them.
Luckily, I married a woman who never has PMS. But woe to those men married to women who suffer from "MEANopause."
And Kerry, please write a parents guide on how to raise teens!
Gonna have to say #2...being tethered to the driveway....or watch out for FAT BASTARD (female version).
Hope you can stop by today. Would love your input. :)
Mmmmmm.... Chili Cheese Fritos.... Have you ever noticed they smell like a middle school boy's locker room? Yum!
I find that people are safest when they stand outside the front door and chuck Hagendaaz at me from a safe distance, far enough away that I cannot reach them with the butcher knife that I'm weilding, on certain days ... maybe it has something to do with this.
You could add.. "Before you do/say anything stupid I have PMS and a hand gun. Thanks for the chuckle and congrats on the award..
Keep Aunt Flo to yourself, don't send her here next week
Oh wow! So glad I jumped here from Vodka's blog. This was freaking hysterical. Please just tell me you're getting paid for this!! Bravo.
PMS = Pass My Shotgun. Works for me like a charm.
Dont know how I have missed you, but sure glad I found you.
You're one twisted ticket, ma'am.
;-)
Jay @ Halftime Lessons
Oh its reall alright I jsut dont know what excuse I have for having it 24/7.
LOL Shonky - it means, something is so bad or precarious that it is actually shocking. ...
So, you bite the mailman and run over a crossing guard or two, small price to pay for the ability to further propagate our species. Even if, at this point, it is purely theoretical.
Funny PMS girl.
I laugh, yet it's a terrified, nervously looking over my shoulder laugh.
Cutting pumpkin when I have PMS makes me cry - I've decided that I will therefore never cook pumpkin whilst pre-menstral.
Very well done!
Oh the memories.......
I've been normal (ha) since I had an emergency hystericalomy many years ago.
I know this is my first time with you, but I wanted to really share...
An Injection from Dr. Love... Yes. That ALWAYS does the trick for me...
You are freakin' hilarious and I love this post! You are one of my every day must-reads. I feel like I should be charged admission.
I gave you an award. Do with it what you will.
What an interesting meme. Have you seen the SNL skit about the birth control and PMS? I thought about it the whole time I read this, you funny thing.
This cracked me up. Thank you.
Off to find more dark choco...
f you don't understand why I'm crying, then: You're dead inside, just as I always suspected.
lmao.
sorry about your hypothetical and alleged pms. it happens. it sucks.
I think you should add one:
If you ASK me if I'm PMS-ing, I probably am. And its also probable that something large and metal will be thrown at or around your skull.
LOL That was so funny!
Ahahahaha!
I had sworn off Memes a year ago, but this one? Is too good.
Wait. Do I have to wait to be tagged?
This.is.hilarious!
Possibly cos I'm older than you I went one step further and did menopause yesterday. Not that I did menopause and finished it yesterday. Oh what a star I would be if I could package that. I mean I did it on my post.
You are cracking me up! Love it!
:-)
Okay, IF I had ever experienced PMS, I would say this sounds like something I would write. BUT, since I have never been moody, cranky or bloated (in the last 2 weeks) I guess I can't say that. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I positively LOVE that list. Sounds about right!
Ah, yes, I recognize this list. And my family is lucky the hatchet was missing last week. Not that PMS has ever shown its blemished face around here, no no no... ;) Now pass the Fritos, Shiraz, and chocolate. And give me the remote.
Oi. Was THIS timely tonight (Thanks, SITS for linking me to my answer to the PMS sorrows!)
Keep up the FAB-U blogging. You are a HOOT!
Yup - I think you've covered most of it! ;)
I have no idea what you are talking about.:)
So glad God thought of you - because you crack me up.
Congrats on your SITS day in the sun!!
So so funny! I haven't had a period since before my 2nd baby so...1 1/2 years? I am dreading the day that PMS comes back to haunt me...
LOL Ya, you nailed it! Funny post!
http://allaboutmeandabagofchips.typepad.com/
Classic! Saying Hi from SITS. enjoy :)
Dropping by from SITS. I'm sure that this PMS thing is just an urban legend but still that MEME is freaking hilarious!
LOL, thats awesome!!
Hilarious!
Super funny list - what girl can't relate?! Congrats on your SITS feature!
OK, well as long as it isn't PMS...
Thank you for real-I'm-not-kidding LOL first thing on a Monday morning.
(I'm glad my husband isn't the only one to thing 'Dr. Love' can cure headaches.)
Happy SITs day!
Stop. I think you need to sell posters of this.
Thank you for the laugh...especially on a Monday morning when I needed it most! Happy, happy SITS day!
You are hilarious, and I bow down to your supreme creativity!
LMAO! That is hysterical!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, I think I'm done laughing now...*snort!* FUNNY!
Happy SITS Day! ;)
omg - this cracked me up!!!!
LOVE IT!
SO FUNNY! But I am sure I am never like that.
That was the best! Happy SITS day!
LOL. You are awesome.
Still hilarious!
So glad you are the featured blogger today!! It's always fun to already be a reader of a blog before it's featured!! Congrats!!
Thank you for the laugh this morning. :) My husband has never asked me if I have PMS, but I can usually tell when he's thinking it by the scared deer-in-the-headlights look he gets on his face. Poor guy.
You are completely insane...I LOVE IT! LOL I look forward to reading more of your zany blog posts.
Take care!
Ha! Thanks for the laugh and happy SITS day!
That is hysterical the if you don't know why I am crying one rings oddly true that is if I believed in PMS
That was FABULOUS!
But I'm sure that's only because I, personally, have never experienced any of those feelings...(*snort*)
Congrats on being FB =)
Over from SITS. Congrats on being the featured "saucy" blogger! Love this site! You have a great sense of humor.
This meme rocks! And no, I never have PMS...either! LOL
I agree with this list for sure. But why is it that when my hubby does something irritating and I get grouchy, that it gets blamed on PMS...come on cut PMS some slack please, lol!
Wow, I loved it!!! Myite would be no stupid people moe than 50 feet ...that is so me!!
It's funny because it's true! Found your blog through SITS today, and I can't wait to read more.
I've said it before, I'll say it again...WHY ARE YOU NOT FAMOUS? Well, ok...you are famous...but I mean famous like Brad and Angelina are famous, ya know?
I'm having POST MS. I swear I'm down to one good week a month.
Stopping by from SITS, these are too funny... Now I need, yes need, me some Chili Cheese Fritos!!!!
Happy SITS Day! Love this post! My answer - If I get any more bloated, I'm going to need to: serve as the "jumpy" apparatus at a children's birthday party.
All I can say is "Amen, SITSA!"
That was insanely funny! And true!
Happy SITS Day!
Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight! Woot! Woot!
Tiffany may have been spitting out wine, but I just snorted my coffee right up my nose while reading this post.
And I NEVER suffer from PMS.
And I'm pretty sure my husband has used the Dr. Love statement, which was the cause of my coffee snorting.
Happy SITS day!
Great post!!!
Happy SITS day!
Over from SITS, and boy am I glad you were the featured blogger today. I just ended the year long reign of 2 week periods (from my IUD). The PMS (that I didn't have) was horrid!
that is AWESOME.
Happy SITS day!
That is so awesome!
That has to be one of the funniest posts that I have read! I think you have captured the spirit of the infamous "PMS..."
Reading the comments left was almost as good!
Congrats on being featured today!!
LOVE IT!
I don't feel like that today. Nope. Not at all. GET YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS OFF MOMMY'S PETIT-FOURS! Nope.
So where was your hatchet? hehe.
HIGH-larious, as usual, Anna! I've never experienced PMS either - I'm like this all of the time.
Hee! Hee, hee!
Happy Sits day! Great post.
Too funny!
I would laugh about this meme but it's so true. I was crying the other night b/c some ladies I don't know, from the next city over had lost their beauty salon in a fire. If that doesn't scream PMS! I don't know what does.
Came from SITS. That was freakin' hysterical and so on the mark.
Hi I am stopping over from SITS... congrats on blogger of the day...
this is so frickin' hilarious and so so perfect...I think I will be giggling about this all day... thanks for the pick me up..I needed that today
Simply hilarious.
What else can I say.
What is this PMS you speak of?
Happy SITS day!
Happy SITS day!
ahahahaaha....ahahahahahhaaa! Oh don't mind me, I am just rolling on the floor laughing at this post! My particular fave:
"If you don't understand why I am crying: then you must be dead inside, just as I always suspected."
mahahahaha!! mahahahaha!!!
pure awesomeness.
HILARIOUS! Felt like hauling my husband over to the computer and reading them out loud! Thanks!
#12...my favorite. Why is that their answer to everything!!!
I thought I had a fever and my husband said....well you can imagine what he said!
To be fair, I would always have trouble changing clips. I'm a little klutzy 21 days of the month. I'm a walking deductable for 7 of them.
aaaahhh, so funny.
Wonderful. You are a crack up!
this is hilarious and even better the second time around! Happy SITS day!
laughing so loud around here it's a good thing the kids have left for school... but the preschooler thinks I'm off my rocker ;)
Happy SITS day!
I think I will print this out and give it to the husband... not saying that this ever happens to me... but if it did.
I think I peed a little. To funny.
That actually made my day. Thanks!
Hahaha! This cheered me up today! I cry ALL the time but once a month I have a good excuse.
Hilarious!
Haha this was even better the second reading. Happy SITS day. Will you remember us poor bloggy slobs when you're rich and famous? Maybe I should show it to my husband to heal his wounds after his next PMS induced verbal excoriation.
Fantastic! Loved this post..
lol
L
very funny stuff! I DO believe in PMS, I DO believe in PMS, I DO believe in PMS! lol
Genius.
I completely agree. Nice to know someone else gets bloated, I swear I gain like five pounds in water weight alone sometimes!
Stop it...it hurts...please....stop it! Ha!ha!ha!ha! AHHHHH! you're FUnny Girl!
Holy Crap! I think I have the syndrome! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
that was too funny
Hilarious. Happy SITS day!
Hilarious! Happy SITS Day
Happy SITS day! I've got PMS myself right now so I really do appreciate this meme! A million thank yous!
Happy SITS day to you! Love the PMS meme...maybe we can just make it a "mommy" meme. LOL!
Hi Anna!
Visiting from SITS ~ girl, you crack me up! That was so funny and so true!
Hugs, Bebe :)
Hilarious! Happy SITS Day!
OMG that was funny! YOU are a funny, funny lady. I had to stop reading twice because the tears were preventing me from seeing the computer screen. That is just too funny! Thanks. I think I'm going to bookmark this and read it every month!
- Leslie
Heee heeee. You's a funny lady! Happy SITS Day.
Funny...visiting from SITS. Have a wonderful day!
Okay, there's wine coming out of my nose too!
hi visiting from SITs, love the pms meme, one of the tv stations over here just did a thing about a web site that tracks your pms, supposedly for men to plot their wives/girlfriends cycles so they know what to expect and when...
Funny stuff! Congrats on your SITS day!
I don't know what you're talking about. I never ever suffer from PMS, the mood swings, the donut binges, the crying spells...I blame my husband. And nature, stupid nature.
too, too funny!!!
Very funny post!
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I LOVE number 5! So funny! Happy SITS day!
Visiting through SITS. Congrats on the feature. I laughed so hard - thanks for the giggles. I needed it to get me through this cold.
I love it!!!!! Hilariously true!
A belated Happy SITS day! I personally don't believe in PMS, It's just a happy coincidence that once a month my family's behavior becomes totally intolerable, my coworkers' IQs drop significantly, nobody has a clue how to drive, and someone goes through my closet and replaces everything with identical clothes one size smaller...
Bwa, ha, ha, ha! LOVE! I am lucky to have minimal PMS (don't hate me!), but I feel your pain!
Happy SITS Day!
Hee hee! This is a great post. I definitely don't know anything about PMS. And I never send the wee ones to bed an hour or two early because Mommy needs some quiet time. Nope, never.
LOVE THIS MEME! .. although I ofcourse have NEVER EVER had PMS lol Im always chipper and happy :) (NOTE: heavy sarcasim.. I PMS sometimes even when Im not PMS-ing lol)
Anyway congrats on being a sits featured blogger... sorry Im a few days late!:)
Love the blog!!
~ chuckles~ What a good chuckle I got from reading this. Definitely going to have to check out your friends book, know a ton of parents who need something like this.
Visiting from SITS. I am sorry I am late. I was sick on Monday. I am playing catch up. I hope you enjoyed your day:)
I loved the meme. The last sentence cracked me up.
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