Saturday, February 27, 2010

How To Put On A Sports Bra

(In 12 Easy Steps)
1. Approach the sports bra with confidence, secure in the belief that you will wear it.

Holding the sports bra open by its bottom edge, peer into it and locate the medium-sized opening in the center of the cavity. This is your target.

Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

a. Am I naked from the waist up?
b. Have I removed my glasses?

If the answer to either is "no," make the necessary adjustments and return to Step 1.

4. Snake your right arm through the right armhole as far as it will go. Repeat for left arm and left armhole.

Assume power stance: feet shoulder-width apart and knees slightly bent. Hook your thumbs into the sports bra's bottom-edge elastic and pull it out in front of you as far as possible. (Note: do not let go.)

In one, deft motion, pull the elastic toward you and over your head. If you have martial arts training, this would be the time to release your battle cry, or kiai.

You should now be standing with arms pointing skyward, the sports bra encircling you at chin level, binding your biceps to your ears.

Remain calm. Visualize yourself wearing the sports bra while engaged in a pleasant activity, such as not watching Jersey Shore.

Cross your arms in front of your face, grasp the bottom of the sports bra and begin tugging it down to your chest. This process should take 2-25 minutes and can be streamlined by the removal of one of your arms (advanced yoga practitioners only).

If you have followed steps 1-9 correctly, the sports bra is now strapped across the rise of your bosom, compressing the breasts downward to the point that you can see your pulse in your areolas.

Resume power stance (see Step 5). Holding firmly to the bottom edge of the sports bra, pull it away from your body in a downward arc until it grazes your kneecaps. Then, with a scraping motion, drag the sports bra upward along the front of your body, capturing all excess flesh in its path.

When the bottom elastic reaches the desired altitude on your ribcage, release it. Then, while holding the top of the sports bra away from your body with one hand, plunge the other hand into the sports bra to distribute and align its contents, which should include both of your breasts.

If you are unable to locate two (2) breasts in the sports bra, do not become alarmed as they are likely nearby. Remove the sports bra (see "How to Take Off a Sports Bra") and return to Step 1 of these instructions.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mouthin' Off!

If You Ask Me...

As an insightful commenter* observed
on the last post:

For shame, indeed, because today I am once again workin' someone else's corner.

A big, fat thank you to The Mouthy Housewives (proprietresses of the sharp, sassy and hilarious advice blog of the same name), who invited me over** to tackle a burning question from one of their readers:

What's a blogger to do when she discovers
someone's been "borrowing" her content?

For my answer, buckle up and click right HERE, then prepare to be whisked away by the magic of "the Internet"...

* The insightful commenter can be found over here.

** First they asked me over to guard their garage sale while they went out for Tex-Mex food, but I think I mentioned one too many times how easy it would be to fit all their merchandise - and cash box - into the back of my Gremlin,*** so instead they stuck around and gave me something else to do.

*** It is a deceptively spacious car.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Privates of the Caribbean

Blog Overboard!

Today's brand-new post is docked over at Always Home and Uncool, the domain of Kevin (a terrific, funny writer and one of my very favorite dad bloggers).

Thar she blows!

By the way, I know I've done a few guest posts in a row - it just happens that I've received several gracious invitations in the past couple of weeks. It's always great fun to spend time at other people's places and root through their stuff when they're not around make new friends.

I want you to know, however, that no matter how far and wide we travel together, you'll always have a home here, just like usual.

I promise I'll never turn your room into a home gym.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Big Jewel


I'm excited to say I've got a piece up on The Big Jewel today!
I hope you'll take a moment to click over and check it out... (Thank you.)

And Also...

I took this photo down the street from our pad.

It made me smile.

(Plus, now I have a bitchin' new TV and some boss speakers.)

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Chase Is On.

Le Guest Post A Go-Go

Today I'm guest-posting (thank you, Andy!) over at Wild ARS Chase.

Tomorrow is this young buck's birthday and I've, um, got a little surprise for him...

Monday, February 1, 2010

2010: Year In Review

Because It's Never Too Soon To Look Back

I learned my lesson last year, boy, and I am
never letting the holidays sneak up on me again.

It seemed like I had
just packed away the last of the Arbor Day acorn launchers and flying-squirrel suits when - BAM! - there was Mr. Turkey knocking on my door. (A deeply disturbing incident, by the way, and by far my least favorite memory of Thanksgiving.)

Nope, th
is year I am getting the jump on the holiday season. When it's time to review the year's triumphs and tragedies...its challenges and lessons, I'll be ready. So here goes:

The First 31 Days Of 2010: A Retrospective

The Good Times
  • Sweet parking all four times I went to the grocery store last Tuesday.
  • That weird purple spot on my toenail finally grew all the way out. (Not the pinkie toe, the one next to it. What's that toe called, anyway? The ring toe? Pinkie-adjacent? Mr. Stubbs?)
  • My favorite t-shirt - the one with Abe Vigoda wearing a Napoleon hat - finally turned up. How it got crammed into the bottom of that golf bag in the garage is anybody's guess.
  • My bangs pointed the right way an average of 34% of 2010. (A significant improvement over last year's 26%!)

The Bad Times
  • I ordered a book on and, although I paid extra for overnight delivery, the book did NOT, in fact, arrive until two days later. (Thanks to everyone for their support during this trying time.)
  • The houseplant death toll continued to climb as we said farewell to Jerry "The Predicament" Ficus III. It seemed we'd just brought him home from Albertson's when his leaves began to turn brown and curl, leading us to scratch our heads and wonder yet again what it is that we're supposed to be giving these plants to keep them alive...?
  • On January 17, an unexpected cloudburst resulted in almost 1/16 of an inch of rain, throwing the LA Metropolitan area into chaos and resulting in the Southland domestic threat level being elevated from sea foam green to a warm saffron.
  • The Curried Bratwurst Incident - 5:57 p.m. Friday, January 22 through 9:18 p.m. Saturday, January 23.

Cheers! Here's hoping 2010 treated you right!

This Just In!

I am honored and excited to announce that BlogHer has invited me to speak at BlogHer '10 - their annual conference - this summer in New York City!

I'll be part of the Humor-Writing panel on the conference's Writing Lab Track and will be talking about the craft of writing things that (please, God) make people laugh.

I'm happy to say that the very funny Jessica Bern of will be joining me on the panel. I don't yet know who the other two panelists will be, but when I do, I'll plug them. (That didn't come out right at all.)

I had a blast in Chicago last year as a BlogHer Room of Your Own speaker and I'm thrilled to be going to the 2010 conference. If you're wondering whether to make the trek to meet fellow bloggers in real life, I can tell you it's worth it. It was amazing last year to spend time with so many people I admire whose writing makes me laugh (and cry) again and again.

Want to know more? Click here...

Hope to see you there and thank you, BlogHer!