Tuesday, February 21, 2012

My Erma Bombeck Contest Entry

Perception Is Reality-ish

I don’t remember the minister inserting air quotes into our wedding vows. Then again, my vision at the time was clouded by multiple layers of tulle and mascara—not to mention a professionally tightened chignon that stretched my eyes so far sideways I was starting to resemble a Gila monster.

I believe, however, that a review of our wedding video would reveal the moment when the reverend rolled his eyes heavenward, waggled his fingers at the dearly beloveds in attendance, and applied a pair of floating punctuation marks to a key word of our blessed troth: in “sickness” and in health.

Everyone is prepared to stand by their spouse if, God forbid, they are faced with a serious illness. That’s a sacred part of the deal, after all.

No, it’s not the sickness that wears on the marriage—it’s the “sickness.” It’s the aches and twinges that must be discussed and assuaged to the point that you would welcome a bullet in the thigh if it meant never having to hear another word about his sensitive toe. Or his acid tummy. Or his pre-sore throat.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” he said, peering up at me through rheumy eyes as I perched bedside.

“I think you’ll pull through,” I said.

“I want you to know that, when the time comes, I trust you to make the decision about...life support.”

“You realize that cord you’re holding leads to a lamp, not a respirator?”

“Look at you, putting on a brave face.” He patted my hand.

“Listen, when they invent a durable power of attorney for the sniffles I’ll prop you up so you can sign it. In the meantime, your office called—it’s your turn to take doughnuts for the staff meeting.”

“I’ll never make it.” He rolled over with a moan.

These were the times I wanted to use bad words. Words like episiotomy. And perimenopause. Words I once thought of as afflictions but now categorized as “lifestyles,” in the same way I had come to think of my reading glasses as “streetwear.”

But, wait—this could be the answer. I couldn’t change the behavior, but I could change the label, like the time I blacked out from the flu while selling Girl Scout cookies in the Jiffy Mart parking lot then told the other moms I had been “multi-tasking.”

It was matrimony meets Madison Avenue and it just might work. I congratulated myself on my new, strategic mindset.

No, my husband wasn’t bedridden from a runny nose.

He was on a “spiritual mini-retreat.”

Yeah...he’s Zen like that.

Erma Rules

You can find out more about the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition here.

And I hope to see all of you who are Erma enthusiasts at the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop in Dayton April 19-21.

I'm on the faculty for the 2012 conference (ahem, pardon me while I adjust my cravat) and I'll be running a workshop titled "Brand to Book - Creating an Online Voice that Opens Doors" as well as leading sunrise calisthenics on the lawn of the Dayton Marriott.

And Speaking of Conferences...

Blissdom '12 is this weekend in Nashville and it promises to be epic in its, well...epicness.

I'm stoked to be attending for the first time, and my enthusiasm has not been dampened in the least by the fact that my movement to call the conference "BlissDOME" has failed to gain real momentum. (The hotel where it's being held is a dome...get it? Blissdom + dome = Blissdome? Okay, whatever!)

Anyway, I hope to see many of you there this weekend. Here's where you can find me when I'm not practicing my line-dancing in the Grand Ol' Opry parking lot:

Friday, Feb. 24 at 4:00 pm - CHICKtionary Book Signing at the Barnes & Noble booth in the Expo

Saturday, Feb. 25 at 2:30 - I'll be running a hands-on editing workshop called "More Method to Your Madness"

Side note: I might also be wearing one of those hats that holds a beverage on top and has straws running down the sides. It depends on whether I can find one that goes with my sheepskin peasant skirt.

In any case, I look forward to seeing you there!

Monday, February 13, 2012



Happy Valentine's Day!

Now, get out there
and bag some romance!

And remember:
no matter what happens,
you guys are
like a brother to me
the best.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

For Crying Out Loud

And Laughing, Too

I recently had the pleasure of being a guest on the super-swank podcast "For Crying Out Loud," hosted by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor and Lynette Carolla (yes, lovely wife to Adam).

It. Was. So. FUN.

The podcast is now available on iTunes - or you can listen/download right on the "For Crying Out Loud" website.

And, as further evidence that the best things in life are, in fact, free, the bottom-line price to own this episode (or any other, for that matter) is:

That's right! Rest assured that today's burrito budget will remain intact no matter how many times you download the podcast.

And Now, A Brief Quiz

Which grown-uppy topics* were covered on the most recent episode of "For Crying Out Loud?"

a. food porn
b. flapjacks (note: not the popular breakfast food)
c. Brazilian bikini waxing
d. chumps
e. household nudity
f. all of the above and more

If you bubbled in "F" then you just won yourself a totally FREE download of "For Crying Out Loud!"
And you know what...?

Since you're such a good-lookin' crowd and I like each and every one of you personally, I'm going to extend that prize and say that no matter which letter you bubbled in, you STILL win a completely FREE download of the show!
[insert trumpet/trombone fanfare here]

MANY THANKS to ACE Broadcasting, Lynette Carolla, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor and Producer Gary (who is a total babe, btw) for inviting me to be a guest!

(*Yes, we talk about some adult topics on the podcast, just so you're prepared...)