Monday, November 22, 2010

Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic

In Today's World... thanks is not as simple as it used to be.

Gone are the days of the gratitude short-list, when you could cover pretty much all the bases by giving your burro an extra carrot and pat on the head, then looking up at the starts and saying something along the lines of, "I really appreciate the help with that whole locust thing back in the summer."

No, life today is complicated, crammed with barristas, manicurists, feng shui practitioners and even a spouse or two. Heaven forbid you neglect to thank any one of them, lest you suffer through lukewarm lattes and ragged cuticles into the new year.

Yes, it can be a little overwhelming to try and express thanks adequately in our contemporary setting.

LJKGW Is Here To Help

In order to streamline your holiday experience and help you deliver thanks that are both sincere and efficient, we've designed the LJKGW Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic - the most complete collection of pre-printed thank-yous ever offered through the Internet.

Your Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic comes in handy pad form - almost four inches high! Simply flip through the pad, find the appropriate pre-printed thank-you and rip it out. Fill in the blanks as you desire and *doink!* your heartwarming message of gratitude is ready to be slipped under the windshield wiper blade of that deserving someone.

Hint: Have a child or home bound loved one color around the edges of your thank-you with crayon for an extra-special touch. Awww...

Wondering what kinds of messages are included in the Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic? Well, wonder no more!

Sample Thanks

#1 For the Vendors in Your Life:

Dear [vendor name],

I just want to say thanks for doing such an [adjective] job on my [body part/household item] so far this year. It means a lot to me that, thanks to your fine work, I hardly ever had to [be rushed to the emergency room/activate my homeowner's policy] in 2010. Have a lovely Thanksgiving and enjoy your traditional meal of smoked [meat of choice].



#2 For Your Children's Teachers:

Dear [teacher name],

What better time than now to say thank you for all that you do? Thanks to your diligent efforts, [child's name] has almost completely stopped [annoying habit], and - even more amazing - he/she has reduced the instances of [borderline-criminal activity] by 15%. I'd also like to take this opportunity to give you a hearty thanks for not contacting the authorities after that whole [wacky prank] episode earlier this fall. I can assure you that [child's name] no longer has access to that kind of commercial-grade adhesive.



#3 For Your Spouse:

Dear [spouse's name and/or endearment],

Well, it's Thanksgiving again. I was pretty sure that after last year's [incident], we wouldn't have made it past Easter, but here we are. Thank you for being the kind of person who doesn't write someone off just because they [annoying habit #1], [annoying habit #2] and [super-annoying habit #3] or, for that matter, because they fall slightly short in the [moral and/or hygiene] department. I knew I had found someone special the [time of day] I [mishap] you at the local [mega-discount store].

Thanks for being you, [endearment] [animal].



Don't Be Fooled By Imitations

Remember, only the LJKGW Super Mega Thanks-O-Matic is made from 400% recycled post-consumer waste and includes a bonus recipe for Ritz Crackers' Mock Apple Pie (no apples needed!) right on the box.

And that's not all! Be one of the first 500,000 to order and receive a copy of my highly anticipated debut single - "I've Got Your Thanks Right Here" - absolutely free! (Offer void in Delaware.)

Order now - operators are standing by!

And While We're On The Subject

Many, many thanks to all of YOU out there in Reader-Land! You make the Internet a heck of a nice place to be and it means the world to me that you stop by here week after week. I wish you a joyous, peaceful and fruitcake-free holiday.

Now, be safe in your travels and I'll see you back here after the long weekend, you crazy kids!


Monday, November 15, 2010

Yak Special Edition

Because We Care

Many of you, loyal readers, have written, emailed and - on two occasions - driven by the house corporate headquarters and impaled flaming arrows on the door with questions and concerns regarding this blog's yak coverage.

"What have you got against yaks?" asks Ann I. of Wisconsin.

"I think a yak advice column would be quite popular," offers
Lisa R.P.R. of Los Angeles.

"You're an ass-clown," writes
Jessica B., also of Los Angeles

[Dangit - I meant to save that last one for the Ass-Clown Special E
dition I'm putting together for December.]

Anyway... I'd just like to go on record and say:

I like a yak.

And the more I learn about them, the more my appreciation grows.

Let's discuss.

What's So Great About Yaks?
  • They are the opposite of gila monsters. Seriously, go check.
  • Through a fluke of selective breeding, modern-day yaks are the best spooners in the animal kingdom. No, really. Once you've spooned with a yak, you never go back.
  • When a yak laughs (I mean really laughs - not just a chuckle) it sounds exactly like Chewbacca.
  • If you accidentally enrage a yak, you can easily calm it by playing anything by Henry Mancini. (Yaks are particularly partial to the "Breakfast at Tiffany's" soundtrack.) **But for God's sakes, don't play any Tony Orlando & Dawn - or Foghat - around them. Not if you value your coffee table, that is.
  • A freshly laundered yak will absorb all questionable odors in your condo, kind of like a box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, but, well, huger and SUPER hairy.
So Here's What I'm Thinking

Many of you have suggested ways to incorporate yaks into future LJKGW posts. I'm having trouble, however, deciding which suggestion best meshes with this blog's reputation for both hard-hitting investigative journalism and heart-rending human interest coverage.

And so I'm putting it out to you, my discerning and elaborately groomed readers. Which of the following would you most like to see included in upcoming posts?

"On the Horns of Love"
Relationship advice with a uniquely yak perspective.

"Woolly, Woolly World"
Current events and interesting happenings in and around Mongolia.

"Yak It Forward"
Philanthropic column informing readers about ways in which they can make the world a better place (for yaks).

"The Cloven Hoof"
Literary supplement highlighting the best of contemporary yak short fiction.

"Bovid's List"
Online marketplace where yaks and their enthusiasts can sell or trade yak accoutrements.

"Yak Shred"
A unique and thrilling mash-up of yaks and their emerging presence in the world of extreme sports.

"America's Top Yak"
Whose square, wet nose will gleam the brightest in our video competition that cuts across singing, dancing, cooking and - of course - runway skillz?

I look forward to hearing from you...

Speaking of Yaks...

Any post devoted to our wuzzy friends would be incomplete without mention
of my favorite big, blue one.


A special shout-out to Morticia's friend Ibby. [hi-five!] Thanks for being a loyal reader and Go, Griffins!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Not My Best Moment

A Disturbing And True Story

The only (and I mean only) thing I miss about my old job is how much I used to laugh every day.

There was a core group of five of us and together we formed a dynamic, dysfunctional work family held together by a complex webbing of in-jokes, proclivity for Mexican food within walking distance of the office and shared torment at the hands of the Tribal Elders (a.k.a the bosses).

And there were pranks.

They ranged from the ridiculous:

Realizing halfway through writing a memo that your keyboard was not attached to your computer
at all.

To the ironic:

The high-strung French intern sits on an eclair during the holiday party. (Perp still at large to this day.)

To the sublime:

As one of us drove the group to lunch one day, another complained loudly about the restaurant we were going to, saying that that the last time he dropped his car off there, the valet guys reset his stereo buttons to all-Hispanic stations. Then, while the driver stopped to get cash at the ATM, we frantically reset his stereo buttons to all-Hispanic stations and turned the radio off.

After lunch, he got his car back and we suggested that he check to make sure his buttons hadn't been messed with. I'll never forget the look on his face when - after pitching a fit on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant - the valets pointed at the car full of his friends who were howling and wetting themselves with laughter.

See what I mean? Good times.

When Jokes Go Wrong.

It's a particularly giggly day at the office (well, for the five of us, anyway) and, after my sixteenth cup of coffee, I go down the hall to the ladies' room and ensconce myself in what I like to think of as my office annex: stall #1.

I hear the door squeak open and, moments later, a pair of feet pass my stall door. The feet are clad in sassy little Mary Janes with tiny leather flowers on the straps and shiny patent cap toes. These are the very shoes my work buddy "Darla" (name changed to protect, well, myself) is sporting today.

Since we'd just been doubled over in laughter listening to our 20-year-old Armenian receptionist release her trademark stream of international obscenities at the copying machine, I figure why not continue the hilarity in the bathroom? Right?

[Note: this was a long time ago and I had not yet become the pillar of maturity you all know today.]

So - how to maximize the comedy potential of the moment? Right - I have it!

"Pllbbbttt!" I say, making a giant, echoing raspberry with my mouth (something at which, if I may say, I excel). Then, to stifle my giggles, I clamp my hands over my mouth and wait for Darla to burst out laughing.

Well, that's weird, I think.

Oh, wait - I get it: she's playing hard to get.

"Pllllbbbbttttt!" I repeat, louder and longer than before, my eyes tearing up with effort, then gnaw my knuckle to keep from laughing out loud.


A creeping uneasiness causes me to lean down and take another look at those shoes. Yep, they're Darla's all right.

But wait! Darla is wearing a skirt that day and these shoes are topped with [gasp!] plaid slacks!

I recoil in horror, reeling from two shocking thoughts:
  1. I was raspberrying a COMPLETE STRANGER - in the BATHROOM.
  2. Who would wear plaid pants with those shoes?
Although I was never able to pin it on her, I know in my heart that I was set up by the French intern. (But how did she find out about the eclair?)