Monday, April 26, 2010

You're So Vein.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I made a discovery in the shower this morning. (No, not that discovery. Sheesh.)

I discovered that the Universe (see how I capitalized that? that'll pay off one of these days, you just wait) is communicating with me.

That's right: the Big U is paging Little A.

I used to think that if I ever had a metaphysical encounter, it would animated - like those Monty Python cartoons where the clouds stomp around with big, muscular calves and a pig can fall out of the sky and squish you without warning.

(Actually, I'd prefer that
all communications be handled in this format.)

But now I know that not all metaphysical messages are accompanied by cartoon trumpet fanfare.

Truth is, I'm always on the lookout for little signs. I like to think that a particular Roy Clark song on the radio carries a hopeful message meant just for me, or that when I make three green lights in a row (screaming brakes and leaping pedestrians notwithstanding), it's the Universe's way of giving me a little wink and saying, "Hey, Anna, I got your back."

So I was tickled today to discover yet another friendly nod from beyond.

The words were small, wiggly and reddish-purple.

And they were on my thigh.

That's right - the Universe is communicating with me through my spider-veins.

Here, see for yourself:

Can you read it? Too far away? Okay, let me zoom in a bit:

Isn't that amazing? I know it's kind of hard to make out, but if you squint your eyes and tilt your head to one side you can see that the letters spell H-E-L-L-O.

Isn't that cool?!?

Once again, the Universe has tapped me on the shoulder leg with a friendly dispatch and I just had to share the experience with you all.

Who knows where my next special bulletin will appear? I can't wait!


The winner of last week's drawing to win my BlogHer '10 ticket is Jana from
An Attitude Adjustment! High-five! And thank you to everyone who commented and entered the drawing!


Thank you to Cheryl at Deckside Thoughts for the lovely Sunshine Award!

Monday, April 19, 2010


The Prize: My BlogHer Ticket!

Here's the deal:

As you may know, I'll be speaking on the humor-writing panel at BlogHer '10 this summer in New York City.

One of the perks of being a speaker (in addition to the floor-length sequined cape and unlimited use of a personal, en suite cotton-candy machine while in NYC) is that my conference ticket is comped. (
Thank you, BlogHer!)

Which means I no longer need the ticket I purchased months ago. Hence...

Le Big El Contesto Grande!

Just think - this could be YOU this summer:

(Except the badge would have your name on it. And it would read "BlogHer '10." Oh, and make that "New York City" instead of "Chicago." Plus you're probably not a paper monkey. Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

You get the picture.

You + Ticket to SOLD OUT BlogHer '10 = Quivering Mass of Joy

All righty, then.

So Here's What I'm Thinking

If you would like to win
my full-weekend ticket to BlogHer '10
with all the rights and privileges thereof:

First, you must answer the Insanely Difficult Mystery Question.

Study the photograph below. In it, I've cleverly hidden clues to the TWO tourist traps cultural epicenters we visited on our recent Spring Break road trip. Can you find them?

Think you have uncovered the two destinations? Great, write them down here. Quick, before you forget!

#1: ____________________

#2: ____________________

post your answer (both destinations!) to the Insanely Difficult Mystery Question in a comment. You can comment as much as you like, but an individual may only enter the contest once.

Of course, it's all right to leave more than just the answers in your comment. You may want to shout out to the folks back home ("Look, Ma, I'm on the Internet!") or suck up to contest officials ("My, Anna, your mustache is less musty today than usual.")

each individual who correctly answers the Insanely Difficult Mystery Question in their comment will be entered in a drawing for the BlogHer ticket. The drawing will take place in this hat which belongs to me and is impartial:

(Gomez has graciously agreed to vacate the hat prior to the drawing.)

please note that all valid contest-entry comments must be posted by this deadline - as recorded by the Blogger comment time stamp:
(Hang in there, we're almost done.

Fifth, the drawing will take place the morning of Friday, April 23. Once I successfully contact the winner, I will make an announcement in my next blog post and on Twitter. In the event I can't contact the winner by Noon PST on Monday, April 26, I will instruct one of my legion of minions to draw another winning entry from the hat.

For obvious reasons, PLEASE make sure your contact info is available, either through your Blogger profile or in your comment. I will do my very best to find our winner, even if I have to go into full Daniel Day Lewis/"Last of the Mohicans" mode.

Once the winner is contacted and confirmed, I will pass his/her info, etc. on to BlogHer and they will transfer my ticket into the winner's name.

Revelry will ensue. (I've also made some calls about releasing a flock of celebratory parakeets, but I can't guarantee anything at this point.) And voila!

Thanks for playing, everyone!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm An Interview-Whee!

Thanks to Rockin' Robin

both of you those of you who've been asking to know more about me (at least, that's how I'm interpreting your requests for me to "write something normal for a change"), Robin at Robin's Chicks just posted her interview with me.

Robin is a gracious, considerate interviewer and only broke me down to tears a few times. (Actually, I blame one of those instances on her dog, Yvonne, who chewed through some plastic wrap and consumed two pounds of deer sausage shortly before my arrival.)

Anyway, thank you so much for interviewing me, Robin!

Fun Fact: Robin and I share the same birthday. So there you go.

P.S. I just learned that my "New Astrology" post is being syndicated by BlogHer and will appear on their home page this Friday. Wow - thank you, BlogHer!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The New Astrology

Or: The Zodiac...Is Whack.

That's it. I'm fed up with the old astrology system.

I'm tired of vague newspaper horoscopes. I've cracked open my last fortune cookie only to discover the following:

"Your friends find you sagacious
but only the boll weevil laments
the valise that is life."

Um, hello? Tell me something I don't know.

Nope, the old system is not working for me anymore. I have, therefore, as a public service and with no thought to personal gain (note to self: install PayPal button with next post) devised a new, modern and, dare I say, kick-ass zodiac system guaranteed to put a spring in your Crocs and a snap in your cosmic trunks. It's a simple system based on birth month and I like to call it:

The Karm-O-Matic


Special Animal: Ocelot

Dominant Furniture Item: End Table

Vibrational Cheese:

Overview: Those born in January are known for their shiny, manageable hair, the attractiveness of which might (or might not) be enhanced by oversized canine teeth. Born under what is often called the "Sign of the Fajita," Januarians have innate pan-frying skills, which they often call upon if cornered in the wild. Those born under this sign are fiercely protective of their young, although they do seem to dress them funny.


Special Animal: Lemur

Dominant Furniture Item
: Murphy Bed

Vibrational Cheese: Asiago

Overview: Those born under this sign have an unnatural knack for recalling hockey stats, an ability that is greatly amplified by shaping the hair into an organic data receptacle, also known as a "mullet." An intensely creative people, Februarians are known for their explosive clog dances and fiercely woven tote bags. Under no circumstances should a Februarian become involved with a Junite. (No, I can't tell you why. It's is one of several Untalkedabout Things in the Karm-O-Matic System. Der.)


Special Animal:
Stuffed Bear

Dominant Furniture Item: Clothes Hamper

Vibrational Cheese: Alpine Lace

Overview: Ah, the Marchers. You know them, of course, as fruit leather artisans to the world, but did you also know they were pioneers in applying tuberous flowers to Rose Parade floats? Well, there you go. Although generally mild-mannered, those born under the Marcher banner are also really good at flicking things with a spork if annoyed, so, you know, heads up on that.


Special Animal
: Birdie

Dominant Furniture Item: Davenport (No, really, you can look it up.)

Vibrational Cheese: Gouda

Overview: Those born under the "Sign of the Charcoal Insole" are known for their fastidiousness...with one exception: they never, EVER, empty their car ashtrays. Landlords love Aprilites because they never stick thumbtacks in their apartment walls but instead use those little blobs of goo to hold their posters. 23% of Aprilites possess an overwhelming and unfounded fear of inflatable rafts.

Mayan Maynard Mayjor

Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Ottoman

Vibrational Cheese: Aerosol Bacon Cheddar

Don't ever make fun of a Mayjor's hat. That goes double for the Members Only jacket. That's really all you need to know.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Umbrella Stand

Vibrational Cheese: Cottage

Overview: Junites are affable folks who love nothing more than to rent a movie from Blockbuster, bury it in their backyard and then sit around and talk about what it might have been like to watch it. They never cut in line and the only thing that gets under their skin is when someone pronounces "et cetera" as "ECK cetera." Unfortunately, entire suburbs have been wiped out as a result of this sensitivity.


Special Animal
: Platypus

Dominant Furniture Item: TV Tray

Vibrational Cheese: Camembert

Known as the healers of the Karm-O-Matic System, Julysauruses are highly empathic, often describing others' feeling before said others are even aware of them. (Yes, it
can be annoying.) A highly fragrant group, their soft, calming patchouli scent often lingers after they depart, in stark contrast to the acrid bite of smoking rubber from the patches their Corvettes laid on your driveway.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item
: Shelf

Vibrational Cheese: Mozzarella

Overview: Almost all middle-school principals are Augustonians. No one knows why and we're all too scared to ask. Many people also hold those born under this sign responsible for the recent and ill-advised "jeggings" trend. I once saw an Augustonian recharge a cell-phone battery by pressing it to his forehead while doing a Robert Goulet impression. True story.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Hooked Rug

Vibrational Cheese: Limburger

Septemberites tend to be extremely organized and have been known to cross-reference their socks by wool content and country of origin. They are an easygoing group and make ideal mates for every sign in the Karm-O-Matic System. They also make mustard that is so hot it can burn your eyelashes off. Okay, not really, but that would be cool.


Special Animal: Flounder

Dominant Furniture Item: Coffee Table

Vibrational Cheese:

Overview: Octoberians can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a--wait, let me turn that dang radio off. Okay. Octoberians. As far as I know, there's only one and she lives in a gated community outside of Seattle. Her neighbors say she keeps to herself, raises fighting voles and never takes off her crocheted hat. So there you have it.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Bean Bag Chair

Vibrational Cheese: Brie

Overview: Some of our nation's most revered truckers are Novemberites. Fun fact: those born under this sign never forget a joke but they do occasionally forget to put on sweatpants before answering the door. Want to know the way to a Novemberite's heart? Offer him/her a brisk exfoliation. You're welcome.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Captain's Chair

Vibrational Cheese: Ricotta

You will never catch a Decemberonian wearing a belt and shoes that don't match. Exactly half of them like lobster. As a group, they are surprisingly non-hairy, although one of them (last seen in the Dallas vicinity) single-handedly makes up for that. A Decemberonian will always loan you a pencil, but for God's sakes,
don't chew the eraser.

And remember:
When life gives you lemons,

run 'em through the Karm-O-Matic!