Friday, May 20, 2011

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Signs O' The Times

It's painful to acknowledge, but I guess I have to accept that every school - even our own - has gang problems.

I speak, of course, of the mommy gangs.

From their souped-up, chopped-off strollers that block the school driveway during drop-off and pick-up times to their disturbing practice of intimidating rival gang contestants at the Halloween Carnival Spooky Cake Bake-Off, mommy gangs are becoming an increasingly troubling presence on campuses across the country.

And, as many of you know, with gangs come the chilling symbols of their activities: gang signs. Mommy gangs are no exception.

In an effort to curb this disturbing trend, our beloved school principal Mrs. O'Leisenringenhamburg just sent a memo home to all parents warning us of the presence of these roving bands of outlaw mommies, along with a guide to the specific signs that are in use in our particular neighborhood of Santa Monica.

I include them here as a public service:

I sure hope that's organic cotton.

I'll have to check my nanny's schedule.

PTA event-planning committee meeting.

I'm judging you for not driving a hybrid.

Yoga was packed this morning.
Doesn't anybody work in this town?

Gotta run, on my way to a bikini wax.

Will there be valet parking?

That weekend is shot - relatives in town.

Where's the nearest Peet's?

Multiple meanings: I'll be laying low after getting my eyes done.

C'mon, she TOTALLY got her eyes done!

I'll be coming alone - hubs just got new hair plugs.

Incoming trophy wife.

Like I said: chilling.