Classic, Schmassic

Plus: Hard Evidence That I Actually Do Laundry

Here's a promotional video for the The CHICKtionary that the fabulous Marla Miller inspired me to make for her wonderful website.

It's called "The Top 10 Reasons Why The CHICKtionary Beats A Tale of Two Cities."

I'd like to point out that Charles Dickens didn't even bother making a video for his book. I'm just sayin'.

(If you can't see the video below, please click here.)



Thanks to my daughter Morticia (Director of Photography) and my son Gomez (Stunt Coordinator). Even though they have since unionized and are now suing me for unpaid overtime and boring unsafe work conditions, I will probably let them go to that swim party this weekend.

Probably.

Overheard at BlogHer '11

How Fun Was That?!?

So BlogHer '11 was last weekend in San Diego and it was excruciatingly fun, from the lovely people in attendance to the delightful restaurants to the informative sessions to the gorgeous weather to the...well, I'd say more but I've already blown through the set of repurposed complimentary adjectives I bought on Etsy.

In short, it kicked heinie.

Of course, it can be difficult to get away to a conference with life as busy as it is. If you are one of the folks who wanted to go to BlogHer but were unable to do so, I'm sorry I didn't get to meet you in person and pawn off a customized foot sander on you in the process (long story).

You're in luck, however, because I made a point during my time accosting total strangers networking at the conference to keep my ears open for intriguing conversational tidbits floating around in the halls, between the sessions and on the expo floor.

Why? So I could report them to you, silly!

That's right, I kept a little notebook of juicy comments made by my fellow attendees (as well as sponsors, organizers and, once, janitorial staff) specifically to share with those of you unable to attend this year's event.

What better way to experience the emotional core of the conference than to be privy to the raw, uncensored current of exchanges flowing through the seething mass of attendees? It's practically like being there, right?

So let's blow the lid off what really went down at the conference, yes? Yes!

Top Ten Comments Overheard at BlogHer '11

10. "Smrfflk. Coffee! Ptxnggy."
Friday, 10:21 am, Expo Hall

9. "I'm sorry, but there's no room 47X on this map."
Saturday, 12:04 pm, by the giant Twizzler sculpture

8. "Why, thank you. I made them myself. From felt."
Friday, 1:17 pm, "Up" escalator

7. "How the hell do you make vegan spare ribs?!"
Friday, 3:48 pm, the big room that looked like a boat

6. "It's not poofy at all. It looks good."
Saturday, 9:47 am, Marriott Lobby

5. "Look, pirates!"
Saturday, 5:07 pm, Convention Center Patio

4. "I took nine of them. They had extras."
Friday, 2:32 pm, Expo Hall

3. "Little Red Corvette! BOW-WUH!"
Saturday, 4:17 pm, Marriott Poolside Bar

2. "I think someone's tweeting from the third stall..."
Saturday, 10:52 am, Ladies' Room

1. "You've got some glitter there. Right there.
Down a bit, to the left. No...you'd better get it."
Sunday, 9:57 am, Marriott Bell Desk

And there you have it.

Thank you, San Diego!!

Our Contest Winner Is
Definitely A Big Deal

Congratulations to Nicole Pelton of Not Just a Working Mom for winning last week's book giveaway! Nicole was selected when her description of time spent slaving under a ruthless dry-cleaning regime was drawn from the official LJKGW ten-gallon hat.

As we speak, a copy of Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's hilarious new memoir "I'm Kind of a Big Deal: And Other Delusions of Adequacy" is winging its way toward her front porch. Enjoy, Nicole, and thanks for playing!



Special Thanks...

...to Amy at The Bitchin' Wives Club for bringing not one but TWO huge mustache lollipops all the way from Wisconsin to San Diego for me. You rock!

I Left My Callus In Sand Diego - Now With Giveaway!

Smooth Operator

This Thursday, I will be heading down to San Diego to attend BlogHer 2011 where I will be taking advantage of every opportunity to eat like a horse catch up with old blog friends and make new ones.

As you may know, conferences are all about handouts or, as they say in China, "tchotchkes."

Naturally, I agonized over the goodies I should take to BlogHer to promote my forthcoming humor book, The CHICKtionary: From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know. Once I started looking at the bajillions of options, however, I became completely overwhelmed.

What would the discerning BlogHer attendee be looking to snag while cruising the conference floor? And which promotional product says "CHICKtionary" (in a sexy kind of "Mad Men" voice, not a screechy, accusatory meter maid one)?

The jaunty trucker hat? (So Von 2004.) The hardworking lanyard? (BO-ring.) The peppy pedometer? (Just thinking about it makes me tired.) The prim personal hand sanitizer? (Too stern.)

So I kept searching...scrolling through product after product...looking for the one item that felt right - the one I could hand out with gusto knowing the recipient would cherish it for years to come while thinking fondly of me each time they encountered it in their junk drawer jewelry box.

And then I found it.

And so...

Let Me Be The First
to Offer You a
Complimentary Foot Sander!

Awesome, huh? Doesn't it make you want to roll up your sleeves, start grinding and kick up a swirly of your own discarded skin cells? I know.

So if you're going to BlogHer, I hope I'll see you and have the opportunity to lay one of these babies on you and your petrified yet adorable peds (standard exfoliation rates apply).

And, even if you're not going to the conference, there will be lots of opportunities down the road for you to receive one of these limited edition personal grooming appliances.

Especially since I ordered 700,000 of them.

Hope to see you there!


Did Somebody Say "Giveaway?"

I just finished reading author, comic and fellow Listen to Your Mother castmember Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's new book "I'm Kind of a Big Deal: And Other Delusions of Adequacy" and I loved it so much that I'm giving away a brand-new copy! Right here! Right now!

One of the funniest aspects of Stefanie's collection of personal essays is her succession of lousy jobs. We've all been there, right? (This one-time children's shoe salesgirl says, "Hell, yeah!")

To enter the drawing for the book, just leave a comment before midnight on Friday, August 5 and share your lousiest job ever. Then ride that high over to Amazon and read all about the book to get jucied up to win your free copy.

The name of the lucky book winner will be drawn from our ten-gallon hat and announced the week of August 8.

And remember: no matter what your mother anyone says, you ARE a big deal.

Good Luck!

The Babymaker

Or Lack Thereof

As you may recall, I had the honor of reading with the Los Angeles cast of the "Listen to Your Mother" Show back in May. The videos of everyone's readings are now available for viewing on the Listen to Your Mother YouTube channel and, let me tell you, there are some amazing pieces there that address practically every aspect of motherhood (even a couple you've never thought of).

I'd like to share with you all my short essay entitled "The Babymaker" (alternately known as "My Excellent Surprise Gynecological Adventure").

If you can't see the video, please click here.



Thanks for watching, and I hope you'll have a chance to view the other castmembers' videos.

Huge thanks again as well to LTYM's national director (and inventor) Ann Imig, Los Angeles show director Lisa Rae Page Rosenberg and Los Angeles show producer Lee Vandeman. As my former softball coach used to say, "What a town, what a time, what a team!"



And Now, The Headlines...

Food For Thought (But Not For Goats)

Everyone's favorite goat enthusiast, Margaret Andrews of the wildly popular Nanny Goats in Panties humor blog, has an excellent new book out called Sticky Readers: How to Attract a Loyal Blog Audience by Writing More Better.

NGIP was one of the first blogs I admired (and stalked) when I began blogging and I'm proud to say that, over time, I've worn Margaret down and coerced her into being my friend. I can also attest to the fact that she is the kind of wingwoman who will flash you a signal if you have broccoli bits stuck in your teeth. Also she smells good in person. Congrats on the book, Margaret!

2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year

BlogHer announced the honorees and presenters of their annual Voices of the Year a few days ago, and I'm very excited to say that I was named an Honoree in the humor category for my "winning-adjacent" entry in the Erma Bombeck Writing Contest: "The Little Entries That Couldn't."


Thanks so much, BlogHer, and big thanks as well to Alexandra at Good Day, Regular People for nominating my post for consideration! Alexandra also hit it out of the park by being named as a presenter - she'll be reading her winning humor post at the Community Keynote presentation at BlogHer San Diego the evening of Friday, August 5th. Congratulations, Alexandra! And congratulations to all the presenters and honorees! You can read the entire list - along with their winning posts - here.

I Feel Like I'm Forgetting Something.

Dang it.

Curb Appeal

And if you don't believe me, just ask me.

You know, it's not easy being the person who's always two steps ahead of the herd. The person who spots innovation from miles away - before it's recognized by mainstream society - and embraces it.

The person who was into the Macarena before you could rent Macarena instructional videos at Blockbuster.

The person who was wearing those plastic sunglasses that look like mini-blinds back when everyone else was doing the Mary-Kate and Ashley bag lady look.

Nope, it's not easy being the one out on the frontier. The ice-cutter.

I know. Because I am that person.

Take last week, for instance.

It was time for Morticia's class to work the drop-off line at school - a dangerous, high-stress job that includes setting out orange cones in a straight line, opening a seemingly endless stream of children's car doors and making small talk with parents (most of them sketchy strangers whom I suspect are listed on some kind of national law enforcement registry) all while making sure not to step off the curb at the wrong time and end up splayed across the hood of someone's Prius blasting through the cones at a silent 5 m.p.h.

We made it through Monday, Morticia and I. From snippy parents to entitled children, it was quite the social odyssey.

Let's just say lessons were learned.

We returned Tuesday morning more seasoned, more prepared. Wiser, if you will.

Things were going along just fine until Ms. Wingo, Assistant to the Vice Principal, approached and pulled me aside.

"Hi." She adjusted her bright orange vest and captain's hat that I recognized from last year's middle-school production of "South Pacific." "We're getting complaints."

"Really? What kinds of complaints?" I shifted from foot to foot, anxious to get back in the line before I lost my door-opening rhythm.

"Is that your sign down there?"

"Where?"

"Down at the entrance to the drop-off line." She pointed to the end of the line of cars. "The poster board clipped onto the preschool art easel."

"Hmmm..." I squinted into the distance.

Ms. Wingo huffed with impatience. "The sign that says 'Drop-Off $3 per car - Tips Appreciated'?"

"Oh, right. Yup, that's mine."

"Yeah, you can't do that." She crossed her arms.

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm keeping the money. Well, I'm not. Okay, except for the tips. After Morticia's take, the other 90% is mine, fair and square."

"What?" Ms. Wingo looked startled.

"The money is for the school! Fundraising!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Listen, we've got a bird's nest on the ground here. Have you seen these parents? They're desperate. They'll pay anything to get these kids out of their cars."

"All right, that's enough. You're going to have to take that sign down right now."

"Come on, everywhere I turn, I hear people fretting about school fundraising. Auction this, raffle ticket that. Are you going to overlook the gold mine that's right at your curb?"

"Wait a minute." A look of recognition swept across Ms. Wingo's face. "You're the one who put a note in the suggestion box saying we should install pay toilets in the student bathrooms, aren't you?"

"Um, you're welcome. Someone had to step up and explain the concept of supply and demand."

"That's it." She turned and walked toward the front of the drop-off line. "I'm taking down that sign."

"Ignore the forces of the free marketplace at your peril, Ms. Wingo!," I shouted after her. "And, by the way, I'll just be keeping my ideas for turning the nurse's office into a money-making machine to myself!"


This post is dedicated to our local elementary school, which we will be leaving next week when Gomez culminates and moves on to middle school. Thank you for a wonderful grade-school experience and have a bitchin' summer!

A Book Deal + My Giant Floating Head

Livin' Large

Do you ever get the feeling that somewhere on the other side of the country people are pushing a giant yellow likeness of your head down the street?

I know. Me, too!

At first, I thought I was just paranoid, but then my dear friend author Beth Kephart shot the photograph you see on your right and posted it on her most excellent blog.

Yup, I thought when I saw it, that's the one. (It's like nothing at all has changed since my third-grade school portrait.)

But, Anna, you might ask, why did Ms. Kephart post a photo of your parade-float noggin on her blog?

News That's Even Bigger Than My Chicken-Wire Head

I'm thrilled to share with you that I recently got a book deal and I am currently putting the finishing touches on a humor book that will be in stores nationwide this October.

The book's title is:

CHICKTIONARY:
FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP,
THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

It's a humorous dictionary that contains hundreds of the words and phrases women use, along with their "definitions." I'm having the best time writing it!

I will keep you posted along the way, of course, and as the publication date nears, I'll also be sharing sneak peeks of some of my favorite definitions.

The totally normal-sized-headed Ms. Kephart (whose highly anticipated 13th book YOU ARE MY ONLY will be released this October as well) very generously posted about CHICKTIONARY on her blog and said some really nice and completely unsubstantiated things about me that I greatly appreciate. For all the details and links, please click through to her post. (BTW, if she asks about the flatbed trailer I borrowed back in February, please play dumb. Thanks.)

In the meantime, huge (and I mean huge) thanks to Betsy Amster of Betsy Amster Literary Enterprises and to Diane Garcia at Adams Media (a division of F+W Media). I am beyond grateful to them both for many, many reasons.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank you (yes, you). Thank you for reading, thank you for subscribing and thank you for bringing your particular brand of awesome to my rumpus room. Without you, it wouldn't be any fun at all.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Signs O' The Times

It's painful to acknowledge, but I guess I have to accept that every school - even our own - has gang problems.

I speak, of course, of the mommy gangs.

From their souped-up, chopped-off strollers that block the school driveway during drop-off and pick-up times to their disturbing practice of intimidating rival gang contestants at the Halloween Carnival Spooky Cake Bake-Off, mommy gangs are becoming an increasingly troubling presence on campuses across the country.

And, as many of you know, with gangs come the chilling symbols of their activities: gang signs. Mommy gangs are no exception.

In an effort to curb this disturbing trend, our beloved school principal Mrs. O'Leisenringenhamburg just sent a memo home to all parents warning us of the presence of these roving bands of outlaw mommies, along with a guide to the specific signs that are in use in our particular neighborhood of Santa Monica.

I include them here as a public service:

I sure hope that's organic cotton.

I'll have to check my nanny's schedule.


PTA event-planning committee meeting.


I'm judging you for not driving a hybrid.


Yoga was packed this morning.
Doesn't anybody work in this town?


Gotta run, on my way to a bikini wax.


Will there be valet parking?


That weekend is shot - relatives in town.


Where's the nearest Peet's?


Multiple meanings: I'll be laying low after getting my eyes done.
OR
C'mon, she TOTALLY got her eyes done!


I'll be coming alone - hubs just got new hair plugs.


Incoming trophy wife.

Like I said: chilling.