Saturday, February 27, 2010

How To Put On A Sports Bra

(In 12 Easy Steps)
1. Approach the sports bra with confidence, secure in the belief that you will wear it.

Holding the sports bra open by its bottom edge, peer into it and locate the medium-sized opening in the center of the cavity. This is your target.

Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

a. Am I naked from the waist up?
b. Have I removed my glasses?

If the answer to either is "no," make the necessary adjustments and return to Step 1.

4. Snake your right arm through the right armhole as far as it will go. Repeat for left arm and left armhole.

Assume power stance: feet shoulder-width apart and knees slightly bent. Hook your thumbs into the sports bra's bottom-edge elastic and pull it out in front of you as far as possible. (Note: do not let go.)

In one, deft motion, pull the elastic toward you and over your head. If you have martial arts training, this would be the time to release your battle cry, or kiai.

You should now be standing with arms pointing skyward, the sports bra encircling you at chin level, binding your biceps to your ears.

Remain calm. Visualize yourself wearing the sports bra while engaged in a pleasant activity, such as not watching Jersey Shore.

Cross your arms in front of your face, grasp the bottom of the sports bra and begin tugging it down to your chest. This process should take 2-25 minutes and can be streamlined by the removal of one of your arms (advanced yoga practitioners only).

If you have followed steps 1-9 correctly, the sports bra is now strapped across the rise of your bosom, compressing the breasts downward to the point that you can see your pulse in your areolas.

Resume power stance (see Step 5). Holding firmly to the bottom edge of the sports bra, pull it away from your body in a downward arc until it grazes your kneecaps. Then, with a scraping motion, drag the sports bra upward along the front of your body, capturing all excess flesh in its path.

When the bottom elastic reaches the desired altitude on your ribcage, release it. Then, while holding the top of the sports bra away from your body with one hand, plunge the other hand into the sports bra to distribute and align its contents, which should include both of your breasts.

If you are unable to locate two (2) breasts in the sports bra, do not become alarmed as they are likely nearby. Remove the sports bra (see "How to Take Off a Sports Bra") and return to Step 1 of these instructions.


Lo said...

Anna.....this may be your best gets my top award.....I wet my bloomers.

Lo said...

Anna, this may be your best yet. I loved it....give it my highest honor....the Wet-My-Bloomers award.
Love, Lo

Prinny said...

Great! Finally a blog that can help....



K A B L O O E Y said...

Removing wet bloomers is a complex process.
Step 1: grasp left leg hole and stretch it into a circle wide enough in circumference to slide you entire limb out of the gaping maw without touching skin to pee-panty. (Note: if there is dripping involved, get in the tub, pull the sodden things down without technique and proceed to shower your body, your panties and then your mind, Never mention this again.)
Step 2: oh, I'm tired already. Pull them off, curl into a ball (you if you're feeling particularly mortified, the panties if you simply want to get on with life), then hide inside an empty toilet paper roll and bury in garbage. Don't even deal with washing them. Your life is too short and valuable to waste time on pee-panties.

Brutalism said...

Perfectly captures the whole process...which will now make me laugh instead of getting frustrated. Very, very funny.

Congrats on McSweeney's...that's too cool.

Farmers Wifey said...

Funny you should blog about this. Only last week I went bra shopping and came home with 3 sports bras that are still in the plastic bag, and bruises on my arms from getting the stupid things on.....Hope I've still got the receipt..

Lizzie said...

too funny!

have a great week :)

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Ha! This is why I don't exercise. I'm passing this along to my sister who has sports bra issues.

Wanderlust said...

McSweeney's? Go you!

only a movie said...

Congratulations on McSweeneys!
Very funny list. And oh-so true.

The Retired One said...

That was HILARIOUS!!!!

Jack Steiner said...

Hopefully I'll never become so large that I need to know the hows and whys of this. No moobs on this boy yet, hopefully never. Yikes.

B. Freret said...

I tagged you - ha!

Tela said...

so funny!
and so true!

La Belette Rouge said...

Congratulations!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you.

Unknown said...

Okay. It's ridiculous it took me this long to go read this brilliant piece on an activity that has been a part of my life for so long and yet, I've never taken the time to dissect that annoying process that goes into putting it on each and every time.

I will always think of you now when putting on my sports bras. Yep. It's true.


Susan Blake said...

TOO funny! I've always hated those things - yeah they serve a purpose but it really IS a workout just getting them on! I gave up years ago and just wear a padded bra that keeps the girls from hittin my chin when I run!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

They should tape this up in all of the women's locker room lockers at the YMCA. I just love how to lists...

kathcom said...

McSweeney's--nice! I loved this and not just because it is totally factual and informative but because you've put things in my head, like pulsing areolas and kiai, that I hope will stay with me forever.

KiKi said...

Anna -- this is one of the best things I've read in a long time. LOVED IT!!!! -- Ki

laughingwolf said...

dang, sure glad i'm not remotely female ;) lol