Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The New Astrology

Or: The Zodiac...Is Whack.

That's it. I'm fed up with the old astrology system.

I'm tired of vague newspaper horoscopes. I've cracked open my last fortune cookie only to discover the following:

"Your friends find you sagacious
but only the boll weevil laments
the valise that is life."

Um, hello? Tell me something I don't know.

Nope, the old system is not working for me anymore. I have, therefore, as a public service and with no thought to personal gain (note to self: install PayPal button with next post) devised a new, modern and, dare I say, kick-ass zodiac system guaranteed to put a spring in your Crocs and a snap in your cosmic trunks. It's a simple system based on birth month and I like to call it:

The Karm-O-Matic


Special Animal: Ocelot

Dominant Furniture Item: End Table

Vibrational Cheese:

Overview: Those born in January are known for their shiny, manageable hair, the attractiveness of which might (or might not) be enhanced by oversized canine teeth. Born under what is often called the "Sign of the Fajita," Januarians have innate pan-frying skills, which they often call upon if cornered in the wild. Those born under this sign are fiercely protective of their young, although they do seem to dress them funny.


Special Animal: Lemur

Dominant Furniture Item
: Murphy Bed

Vibrational Cheese: Asiago

Overview: Those born under this sign have an unnatural knack for recalling hockey stats, an ability that is greatly amplified by shaping the hair into an organic data receptacle, also known as a "mullet." An intensely creative people, Februarians are known for their explosive clog dances and fiercely woven tote bags. Under no circumstances should a Februarian become involved with a Junite. (No, I can't tell you why. It's is one of several Untalkedabout Things in the Karm-O-Matic System. Der.)


Special Animal:
Stuffed Bear

Dominant Furniture Item: Clothes Hamper

Vibrational Cheese: Alpine Lace

Overview: Ah, the Marchers. You know them, of course, as fruit leather artisans to the world, but did you also know they were pioneers in applying tuberous flowers to Rose Parade floats? Well, there you go. Although generally mild-mannered, those born under the Marcher banner are also really good at flicking things with a spork if annoyed, so, you know, heads up on that.


Special Animal
: Birdie

Dominant Furniture Item: Davenport (No, really, you can look it up.)

Vibrational Cheese: Gouda

Overview: Those born under the "Sign of the Charcoal Insole" are known for their fastidiousness...with one exception: they never, EVER, empty their car ashtrays. Landlords love Aprilites because they never stick thumbtacks in their apartment walls but instead use those little blobs of goo to hold their posters. 23% of Aprilites possess an overwhelming and unfounded fear of inflatable rafts.

Mayan Maynard Mayjor

Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Ottoman

Vibrational Cheese: Aerosol Bacon Cheddar

Don't ever make fun of a Mayjor's hat. That goes double for the Members Only jacket. That's really all you need to know.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Umbrella Stand

Vibrational Cheese: Cottage

Overview: Junites are affable folks who love nothing more than to rent a movie from Blockbuster, bury it in their backyard and then sit around and talk about what it might have been like to watch it. They never cut in line and the only thing that gets under their skin is when someone pronounces "et cetera" as "ECK cetera." Unfortunately, entire suburbs have been wiped out as a result of this sensitivity.


Special Animal
: Platypus

Dominant Furniture Item: TV Tray

Vibrational Cheese: Camembert

Known as the healers of the Karm-O-Matic System, Julysauruses are highly empathic, often describing others' feeling before said others are even aware of them. (Yes, it
can be annoying.) A highly fragrant group, their soft, calming patchouli scent often lingers after they depart, in stark contrast to the acrid bite of smoking rubber from the patches their Corvettes laid on your driveway.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item
: Shelf

Vibrational Cheese: Mozzarella

Overview: Almost all middle-school principals are Augustonians. No one knows why and we're all too scared to ask. Many people also hold those born under this sign responsible for the recent and ill-advised "jeggings" trend. I once saw an Augustonian recharge a cell-phone battery by pressing it to his forehead while doing a Robert Goulet impression. True story.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Hooked Rug

Vibrational Cheese: Limburger

Septemberites tend to be extremely organized and have been known to cross-reference their socks by wool content and country of origin. They are an easygoing group and make ideal mates for every sign in the Karm-O-Matic System. They also make mustard that is so hot it can burn your eyelashes off. Okay, not really, but that would be cool.


Special Animal: Flounder

Dominant Furniture Item: Coffee Table

Vibrational Cheese:

Overview: Octoberians can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a--wait, let me turn that dang radio off. Okay. Octoberians. As far as I know, there's only one and she lives in a gated community outside of Seattle. Her neighbors say she keeps to herself, raises fighting voles and never takes off her crocheted hat. So there you have it.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Bean Bag Chair

Vibrational Cheese: Brie

Overview: Some of our nation's most revered truckers are Novemberites. Fun fact: those born under this sign never forget a joke but they do occasionally forget to put on sweatpants before answering the door. Want to know the way to a Novemberite's heart? Offer him/her a brisk exfoliation. You're welcome.


Special Animal:

Dominant Furniture Item: Captain's Chair

Vibrational Cheese: Ricotta

You will never catch a Decemberonian wearing a belt and shoes that don't match. Exactly half of them like lobster. As a group, they are surprisingly non-hairy, although one of them (last seen in the Dallas vicinity) single-handedly makes up for that. A Decemberonian will always loan you a pencil, but for God's sakes,
don't chew the eraser.

And remember:
When life gives you lemons,

run 'em through the Karm-O-Matic!


Pseudo said...

Well, I like my fish (porpoise) and my food. I think I might have been a really good trucker too.....

La Belette Rouge said...

I am a Marcher who wishes she was a Novembrite. Novembrites get the good cheese.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I am a Cougar.
Thank you.

KiKi said...

As a May baby, I can honestly say that Members Only jackets are sacred.

As is bacon. And cheddar.

And peanut butter...just as an addendum.


Jana said...

I am a Mayjor and glad to see that you have not made much fun of us

This is one of the funniest posts I have read in a while... you had me rolling with laughter on the dirty floor

Beth Kephart said...

Excuse me? Gouda!!!!???? Where did you get your creds, man?

Cheryl said...

This explains a WHOLE lot of things about my family. Just one question Anna: Why, oh why, do we Marchers get represented by a dead critter? Or is that a toy critter? I wasn't quite sure. Either way, it kinda sucks being a Marcher except for the spork part. I've perfected my sporking skills and can poke out an eye with a pea from 90 yards away.

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

I like being an Octoberian, love blue cheese and never take off my crocheted undies.

I love the new signs, man!

Heather said...

Thank heavens this system was created by a fellow Decemberonian. I've long chafed at the way that Decemberonians get the short end of the stick when it comes to things like gemstones and flowers etc. (Yes, I know there's a cream for that, but I left the cap off the tube and now it's all gone crusty and solid at the top, so ew. I'll just have to continue to chafe...) Turquoise (or, alternatively, blue topaz)? *Yawn* Oh, and holly as our flower? Yeah, yeah, so it's seasonally appropriate, so what? It's still pointy and sharp and jabby. Humph.

So, I didn't panic when I started reading through the eleven months that serve as the opening act for the headlining month that is December. Seeing all manner of awesome furniture, animal and cheese for them didn't phase me one bit. Not even mozzarella and brie. I knew you wouldn't let us Decemberonians down.

Ricotta? ROCKS! And captain's chairs? WOOHOO! Oooh, look, I just woohooed, just like.... an owl!

Well done, Anna! Totally tweeting a link to this informative post so the masses can learn and appreciate the best astrological system EVAH. (Well, okay, perhaps not "masses" but at least the "scant dozens" who follow my twitter account...)

Ash said...

I actually caught myself watching the high school boys running around the track yesterday.

Now I know it was just instinct and the cougar in my soul. Thanks for absolving me of my guilt!

ModernSauce said...

No wonder my lady bits go all tingly when I see some Limburger! It's also a good that you noticed Septemberites get along with everyone since we're all pretty whore-y...

It's the Limburger.

Alexandra said...

September is dead on!

When Pigs Fly said...

How did you know I do "explosive clog dancing?" This new astrology system rocks!

Unknown said...

You nailed it!!! Bean bag chair and brisk efoliation are the only things I needed to hear to completely convince me of your genius.

Novemberites Unite!!!!!

LindaDiane said...

Glad I'm August, LOVE mozarella!

Ann Imig said...

I adore this post.

Now please help me pull off these jeggin's


Ann Imig said...

What is even stranger is that I , a Mayjor, recently thrifted a pristine Members Only Jacket.

Not kidding.

Life just keeps getting more omniscient.

Pop and Ice said...

Bacon! As long as my new Zodiac sign references bacon, all must be well in the world.

BECKY said...

Hmmm..I can't really say I'm happy about my new horoscope. I'm a Januarian. Now, I DO love end tables, so you've got it right on that one. BUT, I definitely do NOT have beautiful, shiny hair! And it's certainly not because I don't WANT IT! I just have always had dull, yucky, dirty-dish-water-brown hair. (doesn't that sound lovely?) Alas, the reason hair color was invented! I also do NOT have oversized, canine teeth, thank you very much! I am a bit of a fryin' pan connoisseur, and I AM very protective of my, all in all, I guess you didn't do so bad after all...My apologies Miss Anna!! :D

Anonymous said...

Good post!

Short Funny Jokes

Coffee with Cathy said...

I love your astrology redo! And I always get those weird fortunes, too: "The spring trees are filled with the blossoms of love which will litter your path as you seek the skies of fortune." Or something. And everybody else gets "You'll be rich tomorrow!"

essbesee said...

I may or may not be that hairy person born in December.

Fragrant Liar said...

Hey, I'm a Septemberite! And a cougar! Your astrological chart is WAY cooler (and more pinpointedly accurate) than that boring traditional Zodiac crappola. So good on ya!

Well, except for that limburger part. I'm fragrant, as in flowery, so that part is way wrong. Waaaay.

Shari said...

I hate to burst your bubble, but I am the other Octoberian. Well, actually now there is only one, since I've placed the other one in the Witness Protection Program. She is currently masquerading as a Mayjor.

Absolutely brilliant, as always. Not to be weird, but I get a little shiver of anticipation when I see that you have a new post. Okay, that was weird anyway.

Karen at French Skinny said...

It's like you've been IN my sock drawer!

Stinky cheese Cougar

Leslie M. Brown said...

Novemberite, and proud of it! The odd thing is that I am currently sitting in a bean bag, and just realized that I forgot to put on pan...uh, nevermind. Funny stuff!

Leslie M. Brown said...

oh! if you're interested, check out my take on trying to stay sane with kids...

Helena said...

I'm a Marcher. And when I was little I had a teddy bear collection. And I have three clothes hampers just for my clothes, and my husband isn't allowed to put his clothes in them.

It's like you're reading my mind. Or you have hidden cameras in my house. Either way, I'm flattered.

Unknown said...

Wow. Like, I so relate to the Octoberian, man. Coffee tables. I love coffee tables. And flouder -- it's the best fish in the universe, man. Thanks!

Unknown said...

Excellent post and congrats on the BlogHer nod!

And for the record, though I LOVE talking about movies I have yet to see, I loathe cottage cheese. ;)