Monday, August 16, 2010

Now, THAT Show, I'd Watch

Less Dancing, More Plumbing

As I idled at a red light yesterday (something I r
arely have time for during the week but enjoy doing to relax on the weekends), I happened to look up from my crocheting and notice a billboard.

"So You Think You Can Dance?" it read, as beneath the towering title an impressive squadron of moist, chiseled youth mamboed, watusied and breakdanced by.


Did I think I could dance?

I reviewed my lifetime of dance experien
ce - the hours spent perfecting my early moves in my room ("Le Freak! C'est chic!"), the time spent grinding my taffeta-clad hindquarters across various school gym and cafeteria floors ("Let's get physical, physical..."), college halls ("Chaka Khan! ChakaKhanChakaKhan!") and, later, the sticky poured concrete of some of Los Angeles' least exclusive night clubs ("Whoomp! There it is!").

Where had it all gotten me?

Did I measure up?

Did I care?

No, I concluded. I did not.

As the light continued to burn red and I put the fi
nishing touches on the cowl-neck minidress I was fashioning for our cockapoo, I pondered the fact that life for me had changed at some point along the way.

Sure, I could remember a time when I went dancing often enough that it mattered to me to be at least halfway decent at it. Honestly, though, those memories seemed just as scratched and dusty as my recollection of the time in middle school when Tim Herron nailed me square in the face during a game of dodge ball out on the covered blacktop. (Fartknocker.)

Yes, life had changed. Many of the interests of past years had been crowded out by new, more pressing concerns. The transition had been
gradual, but in the end the shift was significant.

Bottom line: I could not relate to this show.

concept, however, still had potential.

Turns Out That...

...with just a few tweaks, the "So You Think You Can..." concept can easily be customized to address the goals and interests of a regular schmo li
ke, well, me.

Here, then, are just a few of the ideas for spin-off shows that I jotted down in the Hello Kitty notebook I always keep in my car for just such occasions. (I would have cranked my window down and pitched the ideas directly to the producer getting a shiatsu massage in the back of the Town Car next to me at the light, but 1. all my primo air-conditioning would have escaped, and 2. I was afraid the fact that my Gremlin needed a wash would put me at a disadvantage, negotiations-wise.)

For your consideration:

Spin-Off Show Concepts
Target Audience: Moi

So You Think You Can...

Grocery Shop Without a List?

So You Think You Can...
Apply Liquid Eyeliner?

So You Think You Can...

Synch Up Your Blackberry?

So You Think You Can...
Wear Those Jeans?

So You Think You Can...
Get the Tub to Drain Faster?

So You Think You Can...
Switch to Decaf?

So You Think You Can...

Understand Escrow?

So You Think You Can...

Finish Vacuuming Before Your Guests Arrive?

So You Think You Can...

Finally Return Those Movies?

So You Think You Can...
Get Your Security Deposit Back?

So You Think Y
ou Can...
Make it to the Gym This Week?

So You Think You Can...
Trim Your Own Bangs?

So You Think Yo
u Can...
Get a Decent Night's Sleep?

So You Think You Can...
Remember to Close the Garage Door?

So You Think You Can...

Get Your Hip to Stop Making That "Click" Noise?

An Apology

I'd like to apologize to BlogHer - both the organizers and the attendees - for being unable to make the trip to New York earlier this month to spea
k on the BlogHer '10 humor-writing panel. As many of you know, my mother recently was hospitalized and, as a result, it was impossible for me to travel to NYC. Many thanks to the conference organizers for their gracious understanding of my dilemma and to everyone who has sent emails and tweets of support. My mom is doing better and I will always be honored to have been invited to speak.
Thank You!

Big thanks to
Laugh Out Loud for featuring my "Iron Ma'am" piece! LOL is a very fun (and funny) site that's looking to harvest the blogosphere's humor highlights. Check it out!

Click for a Cure

I've previously shared my friend
Kevin's family quest to find a cure for Juvenile Myositis - the disease that threatens the life of his young daughter. The CureJM cause is SO CLOSE to gathering enough votes to secure a $250,000 research grant from Pepsi that each and every vote makes a real difference. If they can move up literally one spot to #2, they'll get the funding. There's no charge or commitment to show your support and - truly - each vote counts. You can vote here every day 'till September 1. Thanks so much for your help.


lisahgolden said...

Hilarious. I might be able to do a quarter, no - an eighth of that list. Especially if I don't switch to decaf.

Anonymous said...

So you think you can crochet a cockapoo minidress? That list was great! Glad I found your blog, your brand of humor is just was I'm itchin' for.

Ash said...

I'm so happy to read that your mother is doing better - hope her health continues to improve.

Dare I request a "how-to" post on the whole liquid eyeliner thing? I always look like a 12-year-old hijacking my mom's makeup drawer.

Anonymous said...

Having auditioned time and time again for "So You Think You Can Apply Liquid Eyeliner," and failing in the bonus round where I'm supposed to be able to rinse the overflow from my eye without disturbing the shadow or foundation I have already applied, I've finally relegated myself to "permanent amateur status" and tried to cope with the fact that I'll never graduate to the ranks of "smokey eyed master liner."

It's hard giving up on the dream, though, ya know?

And I had not realized your mom was unwell. Sending many good thoughts to her. Any chance you'll be at BlogHer next year? 'Cause I already bought ma ticket, girl.

-Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points

Cheryl said...

Glad to hear your mom's doing better. Nice to see another supporter getting the Cure JM word out there. w00t w00t! I can't believe it's up to 3rd. Damn near giggled myself silly when I saw that this morning.

Your list? I'm crying about the jeans. Pfft on the rest.

Pearl said...

So you think you wear those jeans.


I wish I'd said that.


Multi-Ainjo said...

I would love all of those shows! Here is another one that would really be of benefit to me:

So You Think You Can
Make It To Work On Time If You Hit Snooze Again?

That one always gets me... *sigh*

Also glad to hear your mother is doing better. Sending you and her happy get well and laugh thoughts. :-)

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, honey. I didn't know you didn't go to Blogher. I sip hope your mother is doing even better now. I love how you manage SUPER funny even during the hard times. That is a gift.xo

Brutalism said...

Jeez. I haven't even mastered the pencil eyeliner yet...these shows are definitely for the elite.

Hilarious. As always.

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

I can relate to that list-- esp the eyeliner. Why do I keep thinking that would work for me???

Missed you greatley during BlogHer and said a prayer for your mom.

Crabby Commuter said...

My hip cracks every time I get up! Glad I'm not alone.

Penny said...

Here would be one of my favorites to watch -- So you think you can install your own crown molding.

So Humor Me

Heather said...

I'd totally watch So You Think You Can Remember to Close the Garage Door. Heck, that's already an ongoing contest in my car. My kid and I will bet whether I remembered to close it or not when we're leaving the house, then we circle back around the block and see who wins.

I'm up to eleventy million hours of backscratching owed to me by my kid, for the record, because just like you should always bet on red (or is it black?) you really never should bet against the Mommy.

Glad to hear your mom is doing better!

Melissa said...

So You Think You Can ... Make It Through an Anna Lefler Post Without Laughing/Crying Tears?

Missed you at BlogHer but am very glad to hear your mother is doing better!

When Pigs Fly said...

I don't think I could ever switch to decaf. And, that show drives me crazy.
So glad to hear that your mother is doing better. Thanks for coming back and spreading the humor our way again.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love this list. How many times have I tried to make the tub drain fasters...and I've never thought about it before.

Also I'm so glad to hear that you mother is doing well. Much love to you both.

Alexandra said...

Yes to all of them, including:

So you think you can get dinner on the table just for once this week?

Happy to hear your mom is better.

I think it's such an example of the awesomeness that you are by the way you are thanking LOL and giving Robin a shout out there.

You are that person who makes the world better.

Elkhorn Inn & Theatre said...

You truly ARE LOL funny! I LOVED your list of programs! Yes, I'd watch them all & could star in most of them. But only if I lost some weight first. ;-)

Ann Imig said...


So sorry you had to miss out on the BlogHer festivities, but mainly I'm glad the crisis has downshifted, and that your Mom is better.

Missing you ;)

Big hugs.

essbesee said...

Glad to hear your Mom is doing better. This post is genius. Especially, the "grocery shop without a list" b/c I kid myself on that one often. Or, rather "cook a meal without a list of ingredients while AT the grocery store". You are so awesome and make me guffaw. in a good way.

K A B L O O E Y said...

Glad to hear your mother is getting better. There was definitely a moustache-shaped hole in the comedy panel, but this awesome list of reality shows helps fill it.
I hope the shopping list show has auditions near me because I AM the William Hung of winging it at the supermarket.

Shari said...

Loved this! Particularly "get my hip to stop making that 'click' noise?"

Oh, and don't forget So You Think You Can Return Those Library Books Before The Late Fee Is More Than The Price Of The Book?

gretchen said...

Wow. Your lifetime dance experience is so similar to mine that it's eerie. It's as though you copy and pasted it from my brain.

And though I've never actually tried crocheting while sitting in LA traffic, I have been known to wrap gifts, give myself a manicure or play board games.

shrink on the couch said...

And my favorite, "so you think you can drink that double espresso?"

Decaff I can handle. Full throttle, I cannot.

KLZ said...

I, personally, do not think I can wear those jeans. A moment of silence for my butt, please.

Hope things continue to improve.

Stela James said...

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Jack Steiner said...

I think that I can handle a few of those items. Not too shabby for a guy running away from middle age.

Paige said...

how am i just finding your site?!?! totally your newest follower. loving it!

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

So very, very great.

~* Seven *~ said...

Very Cool!! I feel you! I loved your list ....but keep dancing too babe...we are still the cool kids, so just flip it!! :)

Anonymous said...

Funny, funny and clicking hip and eyeliner issues so relevant for me today. Thanks!