Calls May Be Monitored...

...For Quality Assurance

As part of our ongoing commitment to customer service here at Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder, we are offering this intrepid [note to self: look up "intrepid" before hitting the publish button and make sure it means what we think it does] questionnaire in order to better meet the unreasonable demands address the ever-changing needs of today's aggressively chic and actively non-average LJKGW reader.

And so, we hope you'll take 35 a few minutes to complete this comprehensive and super-sensitive data-collection instrument that not only was designed by an outside consulting firm that totally gouged us on their bill but also has been guaranteed to soak you for all kinds of information you won't even realize you're divulging.

But enough about science! The bottom line is:

Your Opinion Matters!

Let's get started, shall we?

1. I have been a loyal LJKGW reader...
a. since the day I was born
b. since I was incarcerated
c. for almost 25 minutes
d. define "loyal..."

2. I discovered LJKGW...
a. in my grocer's freezer section
b. while scanning Craigslist for a used roto-tiller
c. hidden in the back of my teen's underwear drawer
d. during a routine self-examination

3. LJKGW is my primary source for...
a. hard-hitting investigative journalism
b. limericks
c. things to do while in Tulsa
d. simple exercises to tone and firm the buttocks

4. I think LJKGW should be published...
a. once a week
b. once a month
c. every hour on the hour
d. sporadically, to keep the element of surprise

5. My favorite thing about LJKGW is that...
a. the posts are exactly the right length for my Segway ride to work
b. it makes me feel...mighty real
c. I find the wood paneling oddly calming
d. once you pay off the initial membership fee, it's practically free!

6. My least favorite thing about LJKGW is that...
a. the crossword is too hard
b. it's always trying to "be funny"
c. the delivery boy throws it into my rain gutter
d. it often smells like Parmesan

7. In future editions of LJKGW, I would like to see more...
a. Esperanto folk songs
b. quick 'n easy desserts made from Vienna sausage
c. real-life adventures of "Dr." Betty Stanka - Self-Taught Podiatrist
d. guest posts from funnier bloggers

8. I would be interested in submitting a guest column on...
a. "A Relaxed Chicken is a Prolific Chicken"
b. "Overcoming Procrastination" (flexible deadline)
c. "The Ins and Outs of a Healthy Sex Drive"
d. "Poncho!"

9. Which potential Special Edition most appeals to you?
a. Millard Fillmore Exposed!
b. Iambic Pentameter Month
c. Oral Hygiene Essay Contest
d. Lint: The Silent Killer

10. Overall, I would describe LJKGW as...
a. vague
b. misguided
c. insouciant
d. moist

Thank you for your participation in our customer satisfaction survey!

We invite you to submit any additional suggestions or critiques in the specially designed "comment box" below.

In the meantime, you can take comfort in the knowledge that your responses will be logged, tabulated and shredded discussed at great length at the next meeting of the editorial advisory board in Stuckey's the LJKGW Memorial Conference Room.


YOU ARE MY ONLY Launches Tomorrow

The much-anticipated latest from Beth Kephart will be released tomorrow! YOU ARE MY ONLY is a taut psychological thriller that centers on the kidnapping of a young girl and artfully explores the themes of loss, imprisonment and freedom regained.

I've already pre-ordered the crap out of the book Kirkus Reviews calls "Intense and lovely" and Bookalicio.us describes as "A pint-sized powerhouse waiting to be devoured."

I can't wait to dive into this one!