If You Give A Ms. A Moustache...

With apologies (and an honorary moustache) to Laura Joffe Numeroff, author of IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE...

If you give a Ms. a moustache...*

If you give a Ms. a moustache...
She'll want an ice-cold Bud to go with it...
Then she'll adjust her fly and say...
"As long as you've got a Bud handy, how's about some Doritos or somethin'?"
When you give her the snacks, she'll want to try out the recliner...
Once she's comfy, she'll want to know what time it is...
And when you tell her, she'll ask where you keep your remote...
Once she's got the remote, she'll wave you aside because you're blocking the TV...
When you ask how her day was, she'll say, "What channel is SportsCenter?"
And when the SoloFlex commercial comes on, she'll ask to use your phone...
And when you say she doesn't need a SoloFlex, she'll flex and say, "Yeah, you're right..."
Half an hour later, she'll stand and say, "I need to use the can..."
After you point the way, she'll say, "When I get back, how 'bout another cold Bud?"

* (...or a Miss...or a Mrs...)


Moustache-On-A-Stick Contest Results!

Okay, first of all, everyone here at the LJKGW home office was blown away by the response to our little contest, both in quantity and quality of comments. Seriously creative, funny stuff. Thank you for proving once again that LJKGW's team of professionally trained commentors (commentators?) kicks Internet ASS! I'm just going to pause a moment while you all pat yourselves on the back.
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All right, great job on the patting. High-five!

I'd also like to thank our esteemed team of judges:


Don't let the wigs fool you - these guys are "D" to the "ULL. "

And here's a new development: since the judges had such a difficult time choosing between the top two 'stache contenders, we are pleased to announce that we will be awarding not one but TWO moustaches-on-sticks! (Nope, still not giving mine away...I managed to get my mitts on a third. You know, "the hair and a spare." *snort*)

And the winners - the folks whose comments made our judges laugh out loud the most - are:

TattooedMiniVanMom who said:

"Ok. Since I am very short I will wear the mustache (I'll have to shave my real one off first so that the one you send will stick. and I don't want mine to get jealous so I'll just kill it.)while wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt, with the top buttons open to show my chest hair in true Tom Selleck fashion, with my leg warmers on my hairy legs cause I wanna be just like you and look up at my sky and yell "Da plane. da plane!!"(that guy had a mustache right?) Then Ricardo Montalban will walk out from my overgrown bushes (pun intended) and we'll smoke a stogie together like I always wanted too. You can come too if you want. But I get a turn at Ricardo first. I don't want your sloppy seconds."

And...

NikkiCrumpet who said:

"I'm thinking that the stache-on-a-stick would be a nice weight counterbalance to the hair on my back. People think I'm trying to stick my boobs out...but the reality is the hair weight is dragging me down. Besides...it would be fun to have people come up and say..."hey what is that curwhibble you have there?" And I could say "look you phlyarologist...don't make me use this stick!!"

We also have six Honorable Mentions who deserve a big shout-out:

The Blue Ridge Gal - for making the most of the humiliation and shame angle
Kiki - for working in both Hall & Oates and Avery Schreiber
Natalie - for rhyming
Melodie - for keeping her husband in line
Heather - for devotion to the lifestyle
The Wife O Riley - for being the only person to point out the 'stache's secondary use as unibrow


Woo-Hoo! Big round of applause and moustache-rustling for all these very deserving winners!

Seriously, there were so many very funny and original comments. If you take a moment to scroll through them, you will find even more gems...

BTW, I found the moustaches at a super-cool little Etsy shop called Something's Hiding in Here. They have an unusual collection of unique, handmade (some might say odd) items that's worth checking out. You know, if you like that kind of thing.

Thanks again to everyone who commented!!!


In Other News

A big, fresh-baked THANK YOU to Don over at Beyond Left Field for laying this little baby on me:

I will, of course, be welding it onto the hood of my car before the weekend's out. Sniff on that, elementary-school meanie mommies! Nyah!


And Lastly

As if breakfast isn't awesome enough, I ran across this tasty item over at A Thorn Among Roses (via SITS):


That's right, it's Van Halen toast! Righteous brunch, dude! Face-melting guitar solo!


Up Next...

Meme Smackdown and a Dubious Compliment

Unleash Your Inner 'Stache

Like many people, I often turn for guidance in times of crisis to an authority figure...someone who operates on a higher realm...someone who can extend to me the sage, informed counsel that I seek when faced with life's many obstacles and predicaments.

I see you nodding.

You know where I'm going with this.

Yes, like you, I can be found during these trying times standing under my carport in my leg warmers with hands raised, straining to be heard over the unbalanced washing machine thumping away in the background as a single, plaintive question crosses my lips:

"What would Burt Reynolds do?"

Throughout history, civilization has turned to the wise and moustachioed for inspiration in the disciplines of science, philosophy and the arts.


Only in the last, say, thirty years, however, has civilization come around to appreciating that the true wisdom of the follicular-upper-lipular (I'm pretty sure that's Latin) lies in the more contemporary, more enigmatic disciplines of creative finance, interpersonal relationships and, of course, stunt driving.

Which leads one to ask - what is the source of the moustache's remarkable power? And why should it be available only to those who have the natural ability to grow one (watch it, I'm sensitive about that) or who regularly enter their car by leaping through the T-top while being chased by thugs with no lines of dialogue?

Well, those days are over.

Prepare to wield the power of the 'stache for your own ends - and in the comfort of your own recliner. I give you:

Moustache-On-A-Stick


And I mean that quite literally because I am, indeed, giving away a moustache-on-a-stick!

(It's not my personal one, you understand. It's a fresh one, cast in resin from a hand carved mold and stuck on a, um, stick. Hell, no, I didn't make it! I think it's pretty obvious that I have better things to do with my time. Okay, maybe it's not so obvious, but you know, I do stuff.)

Anyway...

Anyone who follows the moustache commodities market will tell you that this is one super-swank piece of blog catnip that will deliver unto its lucky owner both razor-sharp insight and a superhuman ability to burn rubber in any gear.

Of course, you folks will have your own uses for this powerful implement.

And speaking of which: the person who leaves the most entertaining and persuasive comment describing why they want their very own moustache-on-a-stick and/or what they would use it for will receive the one pictured above!

That's right - I will ship it directly to the winner at no cost! (Just to be clear, though, you're on the hook for your own Trans Am and jumpsuit.) As long as your comment is submitted by 3:00 pm Pacific Standard Time on Saturday, October 18, it will be in the running to bring home the 'stache.

So let 'er rip and tell us how you would wield your moustache power and, who knows? Next week at The Red Lobster someone might just tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey, friend, aren't you Burt Reynolds?"

Happens to me all the time...

Good luck and may the 'stache be with you.
______________________________________________________

AND A HUGE NOTE OF THANKS...

...to all the SITS ladies who took the time to visit and comment here during yesterday's spectacular blogathon! I was overwhelmed by your kindness and enthusiasm and I look forward to visiting and commenting on your blogs ASAP.

(Perhaps at that time you will share with me your secrets to hair with loads of body and manageability. Just a thought.)

Thanks again so much!

XO Anna