Big, Throbbing Nuggets...

...Of Comfort.

I'm delighted to be guest posting over at Vodka Mom's pad today, where I'm sharing a few of my favorite quotations to kick off the new year with a bang whimper rustle odd thrum vengeance.

I hope the holidays treated all of you just right.

2010 was an unusually challenging year for most everyone I know (including myself). I don't think anyone gets through life without living through periods of time that leave one feeling dazed and punch-drunk.

When I find myself in one of those years, I try to be philosophical and learn from the experience.

Here's what I've learned coming out of 2010:

I'm making 2011 my prison girlfriend.

Who's with me?

[See you over at Vodka Mom's...]

While You Were Out

Technically, The House Is Still There

When VodkaMom of I Need a Martini Mom asked if I could keep an eye on her place while she was in rehab out of town, I naturally replied "Who the hell is this again?" "Why, sure! It'd be my pleasure!"

'Cause if there's one thing you can count on with me - no matter what - it's my sincere desire to root through people's stuff help people. Yeah, buddy.

So, um, it went...okay. I mean, some house sitting gigs are more complicated than others but I think overall it went, ahhh...well, look, they're back now so it's really not my concern anymore, is it?

Anyway, all the details are in the note I left for her on her kitchen counter.

In the meantime, if you talk with her and she says anything about me, just remember to factor this in:

That woman drinks.

A lot.

A big thank you to Meg at Prefers Her Fantasy Life for this wonderful honor:

I'm thrilled to receive this! Want to see the complete list of this month's ROFL recipients? You can find it at Oh, The Joys (each and every month). When you visit these two blogs, I bet you'll get hooked on them like I did. Thanks, ladies.

Want more laughs? Visit Jessica Bern over at Bernthis.com. She just posted links to her webisodes on her sidebar and, if you've ever wondered what goes in someone else's therapy sessions...you're about to find out. [tee hee]

10-S-N-E-1?

What's All The Racket?

As some of you know, I became afflicted with a mysterious case of tennis elbow a couple of months ago. I had my theory as to how I got it, but that's another story.

The update: I still have tennis elbow but now I know why:

Santa brought us a Wii for Christmas.


I Become Obsessed.

Yes, I'm the parent who sent a child to bed early just so I can have a turn on the Wii. I'm not proud of it, but I'm pretty sure I get honesty points for 'fessing up to it, no? (Anybody?)

[crickets]

Anyway...

At first I was all over the place. Bowling. Pinball. Golf. (That lasted one round - YAWN!)

Then I found Wii tennis.

YES.


This Can't Be Good For The Marriage.

Jon Bon Jovi and I start playing regularly. Let me point out that Jon Bon Jovi is perhaps the MOST competitive person in the continental United States, and I run a close second in that category. (Yes, we even compete about who is the most competitive.)

It starts out friendly enough. He's played more tennis in the real world (as opposed to the, um, "fake" world in my brain) than I have, so he crushes me relentlessly at Wii.

Fine.


I Have A Brainstorm.

So here's what I do: I practice by myself when Jon Bon Jovi's not around. When I get really good I plan to casually challenge him to another game and ambush him with my stealth tennis skillz!

Look who's hanging out in the Wii fake tennis clubhouse, ready to play a few practice matches with me:

Victoria Beckham
This is kind of heartbreaking because the poor thing can barely lift the racket with her little dental floss arms. I lose patience when the whining starts. "I've got bronzer in my eye." "I fell off my stilettos." "The paparazzi are in my way." Give it a rest, sister.

Lesson learned: I'm ready to move up from the wannabe league.
________________

Prince
Okay, this fella could teach Posh a thing or two about playing sports in high heels. Very impressive. Uses sequin-encrusted clothing to great effect by directing thousands of pins of purple light into my eyes during crucial match point struggles. Terrifying "Owww-WAH!" falsetto battle cry.

Lesson learned: Fierce hair, fierce back hand.
________________

Mahatma Gandhi

Wow, I do not see this coming. I totally fall for it when he lies down on the baseline in non-violent protest after losing the first game. The moment I drop my guard, he leaps up and drills one past me, then hops up and down and shouts "In yo' FACE!" so loudly you can hear it out in the parking lot.

Lesson learned: You never really know someone 'till you play tennis against them.
________________

Nicole Kidman
I find her panoramic forehead disconcerting in its ability to exert a planetary pull on my serve. Awkward moment when she puts Keith Urban on a time-out and makes him sit on a plastic chair in the corner of the court.

Lesson learned: I'm scared.
________________

Chewbacca

Two words: Killer serve.

Lesson learned: When your opponent is nine feet tall, it's okay to fake an injury.
________________

Jerry Seinfeld

Uses strategic sarcasm to get in my head. After every time he shouts "Out!" he holds up his hands and says, "Not that there's anything wrong with that..." I retaliate by sneezing on his water bottle spout.

Lesson learned: I must bone up on my mental game before facing Jon Bon Jovi again.
________________

And the lesson I've learned most recently:
Think it's impossible to play butt-kicking tennis in sandals?

Think again.

(P.S. I found the awesome Mii characters here. Lord knows I couldn't make those things myself! The website includes the instructions...)

I was both shaken and stirred when Vodka Mom over at I Need A Martini Mom posted a huge shout-out directing her readers to my PMS meme post. If you haven't visited her blog, you're missing out - she is one of the very best around. Thank you so much, VM.

Thanks also to the delightful Nikkicrumpet and her furry friends at Blah, Blah, Blah, blog for linking to the PMS post. Nikki never fails to crack me up - I love her sense of humor!

And thank you to the charming Adlibby over at Adlibby on the Loose for this gorgeous item: