Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Flack Attack

Fear Not. I'm a PR Professional.

Back in my public relations days of yore, when I was first learning nifty phrases like "Be proactive!" and "Sell the sizzle, not the steak!" --

[Whoa - flashback! I just had the overwhelming urge to make fifteen rush copies of something, tidy up the break room and hang up on a toner salesman. Whew! Old habits die hard, don't they?]

Anyway...when I was a wee lass starting out in the PR business, one of my tasks was to call publications and request their editorial calendars. At first I didn't know what an editorial calendar was, but luckily I had the kind of trollish, back-stabbing supportive, mentoring supervisor that made learning the ropes a pleasure. *hork*

Editorial Calendar - A publication's schedule of topics to be covered in upcoming issues.

I got to thinking about this the other day and I asked myself, "Self," I exclaimed burst chided murmured hissed said, "why don't we have an editorial calendar for LJKGW?" At which point Self made some rather outrageous personal accusations and called me a rude name. Things deteriorated pretty quickly after that.

Refusing to be bullied, I was determined to bring up the topic at the next LJKGW staff meeting. However, just as I finished leading the pledge of allegiance, my staff scampered off to make fifteen rush copies of things, tidy up the break room and hang up on toner salesmen.

So. It appears it's up to me to present to you:

The Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder
Editorial Calendar for What's Left of 2010*

  • When Baby Chicks Attack
  • Carpentry Corner: Build Your Own Stroller from Scrap Lumber
  • What Your Leprechaun Wishes He Could Tell You
  • LJKGW Investigates: Things That May Or May Not Be True, Depending on Whom You Ask

  • What's Up With Ducks?
  • "You're Not the Boss of Me!" (Special Administrative Professionals Day Issue)
  • Seriously, What Is This Thing on My Foot?
  • Macarena vs. Lambada: It's ON.

  • Rubik's Cube is Stupid Because I Say So
  • Maybe I Don't Want to Go to the Gym Today
  • Your Magnificent Spleen
  • My Recurring Harlem Globetrotters/Morgan Fairchild Dream

  • "Denim Leggings Ruined My Marriage" - One Woman's Story
  • Apparently, Cats Don't Like Taking Baths
  • Camping: Why?
  • Things I Would Do at the Mall If I Could Levitate (and Read Minds)

  • At last! A Three-Piece Bathing Suit!
  • We Want the Funk. (Hunh!) Give Up the Funk. (Awww!)
  • My Dad Could SO Beat Up Your Dad
  • Sticky Notes You Wish You'd Written

  • Dating: If It Doesn't Hurt, You're Not Doing It Right
  • Celebrity Crochet - Make Angelina Jolie's Tissue Box Cover!
  • Wii Roller Derby: The Time Has Come
  • I Like a York Peppermint Patty Now and Again

  • Letter From the Editor: "Everyone's Against Me"
  • Product Review - The Glock Craftinator 9000 Semi-Automatic Hot Glue Gun
  • Let's Have a Home-Perm Party!
  • Sports That Should Be Combined to Make Them More Dangerous

  • I'm Happy. I Know It. I Don't Have to Clap My Hands if I Don't Want To.
  • Halloween Costumes That Will Keep Your Children Awake for 5 Days Straight
  • 4,972 Signs He's Not Into You
  • Ways to Trick Your Toddler Into Cleaning Your House

  • Bacon Crafts You Can Wear Then Eat
  • Bacon's Role in Shaping Our Nation's History
  • A Bacon-Themed Thanksgiving? Why the Heck Not?
  • Bacon: The Other Striped Meat

  • Who Is This "No. 9" and Why Did He/She Inspect My Parka?
  • Pie
  • Web Performance Anxiety - Are You Interesting Enough to Be On the Internet?
  • Persuasive Essay: Boudoir Photography Is an Acceptable Office Secret Santa Gift
* (content subject to change without notice, some restrictions apply, coupons not accepted for this promotion, absolutely no refunds - store credit only, turn inside out before laundering)


Lo said...

I love your mind.

Unknown said...

HA! I used to work in television, and while we didn't technically have an "editorial calendar" per se, I've heard about half of these come up during Sweeps Month meetings.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I liked "Camping: Why?" I'd buy your magazine. But then I want to buy all magazines - it's just when I get them home that they stop looking interesting me.

Brutalism said...

Best. Editorial. Calendar. Ever.

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Love your editorial calendar. I want to read those. Seriously.

"Sunshine" said...

I can't wait for the magnificent spleen one.

hokgardner said...

I am particularly looking forward to finding out what is up with ducks. I've often wondered.

Elkhorn Inn & Theatre said...

Laughed SO hard (and out loud) at WAY too many to list! LOVED it! Looking forward to reading all of them!

Unknown said...

The funk was BROGH'EN!

Loved this post.

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! Nice!

La Belette Rouge said...

This is like the TV Guide to your blog. You, my friend, are extremely organized.

Mouthy Housewife said...

Can I buy advertising for April?


Melissa said...

As a PR chick, I live and die by the editorial calendar. This one is so awesome, I'm posting it in my office!

bernthis said...

I would love to spend a night in your brain. Like a combo of magic mountain while high on a huge slurpee I imagine.

I wish I thought like you. I know I'd be happier.

Susan Blake said...

I am BEDAZZLED! Count me in! Cannot wait to read these posts! I'd give you a PhD in creativity anyday!

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I can't wait until October.
Can not.

Fragrant Liar said...

Aaaaah-ha-ha-ha. Hysterical, girlfriend. As the keeper of the editorial calendar in my office, I can relate to your ENTIRE post, including the boss description. You are right. I should also have an ed calendar for my blog. That might actually help me write regularly. Because what are my posts if not random?

Thanks for the MANY giggles this morning.

Karen at French Skinny said...

Is there anyway I can get an advanced copy of "At Last! A Three Piece Bathing Suit!"? I'd like to put it on my vision board. When I make a vision board. Which I plan on doing after I go wipe someone's nose.

Deanna @ The Unnatural Mother said...


Andy - Instafather said...

The downside of you doing this is that now I absolutely demand blog posts be done on all of these. Or at least some. Or at least the bacon month.

Shari said...

Okay, that is now my favorite list, ever. I think I have to be friends with you so we can do home-perms together.

I might have to bookmark this page just so that I can keep coming back for a laugh.

Alexandra said...

Oh, just wonderfully funny.

I'm reading it again, b/c I really need to just guffaw out loud.

Rick said...

Looks like you have a full calendar. I'm looking forward to bacon month. Any chance to squeezing in: "Just What WAS Being Cleaned Up On Aisle Nine?"

Heidi said...

I am laughing so hard I'm getting a cramp in my side. I know, not your fault I'm out of shape.
I'm going to RB(re-blog)this,oh wait, can't do that with blogging, only tweeting.

Anonymous said...

I totally need to do this for my blog. And, I the mall would be a lot more fun if I could levitate!

Jay Ferris said...

If you follow through with this, I shall pay you handsomely -- to the tune of ONE MILLION... hugs*.

*note - hugs may at any time be replaced by smartass comments at the discretion of the hugger.

Jeanne Estridge said...

I don't believe I've ever seen the word "hork" spelled out before.


RubyTwoShoes said...

I cant believe something so productive came from a conversation with yourself. I just finished talking to ME who just referred me on to MYSELF who just forwarded me to I, and the whole thing just kept going in silly circles

Farmers Wifey said...

Well it's a toss up between May and August for me!

Stef said...

That was so stinking funny!!

CaraBee said...

I'm not sure that just one month of bacon is adequate coverage. May I recommend instead Bacon Quarter? Covering perhaps the last three months of the year?

jubilee said...

OMGracious! That was hilarious. I so want to swipe it and put it on my blog. But I won't, cuz that'd be wrong.

Maybe I'll just make a copy and hang it in my kitchen next to the calendar we got from the Mexican restaurant last Christmas. At least this calendar I can read.

K A B L O O E Y said...

I would SO buy Wii Roller Derby, especially if it let you make little miis of your character. Seriously, I would kick ass. And a bacon: the other striped meat shirt would be my go to gym tee. When does your pop-up shop open?

Asheer said...

very nice article and job keep it up